Monday, August 24, 2009

Holiday

I took a holiday off last August 15 to 21, 2009 from our relationship. I just needed a break – from us. I didn’t go home. I just spent those days by myself and/or with some friends whom I didn’t see that often – reawakened lost friendships. I didn’t send my partner any text messages at all to inform him about my whereabouts nor didn’t ask him where he was neither. I didn’t even bother to think of him at all. I just took a time off spending days without him.


On the 21nd, I almost gave up and about to call him but was able to stop myself from doing so. Instead I spend the night at a friend and got drunk ‘til 8am the next day. Then I finally went home. He was not there because he has classes on Saturdays so I just slept almost all day.


I woke up by 5pm and he’s still not there so I decided to watch a movie alone. But this time I began to miss him so I gave up and called him up (after not receiving any messages or whatsoever from him pa din) and told him to watch a movie with me. We spent the rest of the night dining at a posh resto and then watch the movie “UP” later. We acted as if nothing happens as if I didn’t take a time off. We were happy: laughing at each others jokes; watching other people busing themselves; and other stuffs a couple like “us” would normally do in public. So I though all my time taking off was for zilch lang pala because no matter what I still go back to him.


Sunday, when I was about to sleep I finally realized that I no longer matter to him. Whether I took a time off or be with him is all the same. I thought all the time spending by myself was all for naught, hindi pala. Nagkaroon ng realization at naging clear ang utak ko sa status namin. Sa status ko with him. As if I’m just a “friend” na lang and nothing more to it – a constant companion, a pain in ass, and/or maybe even a burden perhaps.


As I am writing this entry, I will just take one day at a time. One day at a time trying not to think more of him but more of myself na lang. I will slowly train myself not to dedicate most of my time thinking of him but to improve myself instead. I will enroll to the gym again and will try to meet my friends– whom I took for granted when he became part of my life. I will try to distance myself emotionally and mentally from him (I will not distance myself physically because he can’t live by himself alone and that would be so selfish and mean of me throwing him away from the pad now that he doesn’t have much. Yes I took care of the bills and food. He lost his high paying job two years ago and now working as a part time instructor to different universities here in the metro).


I know this won’t be easy but I think I can do it. I know many nights I would want to feel his embrace but will not think of it. I know there will be days when I want to be with him but will try my best not to think of it. When that time comes when I no longer feel anything for him, I will move forward. Move on to another journey. I will start my new adventure and this time without him to think about.

Tanga ko ano? It took me all this time to realize my worth (or less thereof) for him.

Xoxo


The Curious Cat


P.S. The image is courtesy of http://z.about.com/d/movies/1/0/X/m/N/theholidayposter.jpg

9 comments:

  1. may mas malala pa sa iyo bro, believe me.

    (hay look whos talkin)

    HUGS, may we attain the elusive "moving on and letting go."

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  2. friend, sa mga ganitong sitwasyon, gasgas man na sabihin, kailangan ninyong mag-usap para maging malinaw ang lahat. sana kung may paraan pa, ma-save ninyo ang relationship ninyo lalo na kung may pagmamahal pa kayo sa isa't isa at nahihirapan lang kayong ipakita o ipadama. kung naglaho na ang pag-ibig, maybe you can still move on as friends. i am hoping na sana maging maayos ang lahat at sana kung ano man ang maging desisyon ninyo, pareho kayong maging masaya. :)

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  3. Dont you think na the longer you don't talk to him, the longer din na naghihirap ka? i mean, ngayon you're trying to forget about him kahit wala ka pang confirmation na ganun nga nararamdaman niya. if you feel his love is worth fighting for, do it. in the end kung di man maging kayo, sigurado ka sa sarili mo na pinaglaban mo siya at di ikaw yung unang bumitaw.

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  4. Naniniwala pa rin ako na actions speak louder than words. From the way things are going dalawa lang yan, either wala na siyang pakialam whether kayo pa o hindi, or masyado siyang confident na babalik kayo sa isa't isa. Maari rin na may ibang kumukuha ng attention niya kaya parang wala siyang halaga sa iyo.

    In the coming months, may mga ibang entries ako na magrereveal ano ang buhay taken ko noon. Mukhang may similarities tayo.

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  5. ' so poignant and sharp.. geezz.. this is the second time in days i get to relate to a "different" love story.. indeed, it matters not if you're straight or gay, love is still love and pain is still pain..
    - keep it up pal! take one day at a time and one day you'll wake up realizing that you're ok nah.. =)

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  6. I know that what you're going through is hard and I also know that kind words and advices while comforting are never enough to make you feel better. It may take a while for you to move on and maybe you guys may even go through a cycle of being together and apart. When you are ready though, isipin mo ano makakabuti para sa sarili mo naman. Masasaktan ka. Iiyak ka. Malamang sa hinde babalik ka sa kanya. Pagdadaanan mo lahat yan, hanggang maubos lahat ng nararamdaman mo and 1 day you'll wake up and you'll just know na handa ka na whatever the next step is :)
    God Bless.

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  7. The Curious Cat,

    There is only so much a person can give to another. But until then we must give our best.


    Hug. Alam kong hindi madali ang pinag dadaanan mo.


    Kane

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  8. Tama, may mas malala pa sayo. At least tingin nya sayo e "friend" pa. May iba nga dyan, mahal lang pag may kelangan. Pero pag wala, ang tingin "burden".

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  9. Cute train of thoughts... and I actually read all the comments, hoping to find the comment of "the guy" you're referring.
    Nice sana kung dito mabasa nya to... sayang naman yung time & emotions you both invested on this relationship...
    I'll be back for chapter 2.

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