I took a holiday off last August 15 to 21, 2009 from our relationship. I just needed a break – from us. I didn’t go home. I just spent those days by myself and/or with some friends whom I didn’t see that often – reawakened lost friendships. I didn’t send my partner any text messages at all to inform him about my whereabouts nor didn’t ask him where he was neither. I didn’t even bother to think of him at all. I just took a time off spending days without him.
On the 21nd, I almost gave up and about to call him but was able to stop myself from doing so. Instead I spend the night at a friend and got drunk ‘til 8am the next day. Then I finally went home. He was not there because he has classes on Saturdays so I just slept almost all day.
I woke up by 5pm and he’s still not there so I decided to watch a movie alone. But this time I began to miss him so I gave up and called him up (after not receiving any messages or whatsoever from him pa din) and told him to watch a movie with me. We spent the rest of the night dining at a posh resto and then watch the movie “UP” later. We acted as if nothing happens as if I didn’t take a time off. We were happy: laughing at each others jokes; watching other people busing themselves; and other stuffs a couple like “us” would normally do in public. So I though all my time taking off was for zilch lang pala because no matter what I still go back to him.
Sunday, when I was about to sleep I finally realized that I no longer matter to him. Whether I took a time off or be with him is all the same. I thought all the time spending by myself was all for naught, hindi pala. Nagkaroon ng realization at naging clear ang utak ko sa status namin. Sa status ko with him. As if I’m just a “friend” na lang and nothing more to it – a constant companion, a pain in ass, and/or maybe even a burden perhaps.
As I am writing this entry, I will just take one day at a time. One day at a time trying not to think more of him but more of myself na lang. I will slowly train myself not to dedicate most of my time thinking of him but to improve myself instead. I will enroll to the gym again and will try to meet my friends– whom I took for granted when he became part of my life. I will try to distance myself emotionally and mentally from him (I will not distance myself physically because he can’t live by himself alone and that would be so selfish and mean of me throwing him away from the pad now that he doesn’t have much. Yes I took care of the bills and food. He lost his high paying job two years ago and now working as a part time instructor to different universities here in the metro).
I know this won’t be easy but I think I can do it. I know many nights I would want to feel his embrace but will not think of it. I know there will be days when I want to be with him but will try my best not to think of it. When that time comes when I no longer feel anything for him, I will move forward. Move on to another journey. I will start my new adventure and this time without him to think about.
Tanga ko ano? It took me all this time to realize my worth (or less thereof) for him.
The Curious Cat
P.S. The image is courtesy of http://z.about.com/d/movies/1/0/X/m/N/theholidayposter.jpg