Monday, October 19, 2009

Confession


Last Saturday, before going to Makati Shang instead of doing some unfinished stuffs for the deadlines, I watched two Tagalog flicks instead. I’m not much of a fan of Filipino movies (sorry) but decided to try watching “In my Life” and “And I love you so” para maiba without so much expectations or whatsoever, pampalipas oras lang talaga.

I realized in the end that I actually enjoyed the two films. I even end up reflecting on my current situation with my life on how I’ve been doing and of course my relationship with my mom and my partner.

My mom and I are very close to each other but of course there are things that I would like to remain private and stuffs that I would rather die than for her to know. After what happened to my mom and dad, there was a time when she shut me off from her life. Maybe, just to protect herself (self-preservation I might say) from breaking down and to remain strong for us her children. I understand her but find it hard to express myself to tell her that I’ll be always there for her; I know she knows that already yet I just would like to (tell). Then as time pass by things were already ok between us now. Time helps us to adjust and cope up.

As for my partner, there are a lot of things that were wrong before we even started dating. I used to recall the reason why we met in the first place. He used to be attracted to a person who would want to have sex with me. Funny but that’s the reason why we met, to talk things out. For him to beg me off, haha I still recall his endless nights where he would think of nothing but that person whom we both end up not meeting at all.

From the time we first met, other meet-ups materialize until we both realized that we slowly fell for each other. I’m no saint, so does he. While we were dating, I still hook up with other people I met online or on the street. There were times that I would hook uPOST http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.do HTTP/1.1POST http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.do HTTP/1.1p with two best friends and they end up hating each other to bits. It ain’t my fault but when they both declared that they fell for me, I’m gone.

The thing is before we met, I already knew that my partner was already committed to someone. That’s why I would like to met up with him to tell him that all that crazy feeling for the other person we both met online (let’s just call him Mic* so we’ll have a reference) is all for naught because he’s no longer free. Little did we know that destiny would play a joke on the two of us. Very unexpected and very selfish of me to allow the felling to turn up.

Our constant meet-ups became courtship. He’s been courting me all along and I used to ignore it because it was wrong. I’m slowly falling for him and so afraid for him to go so I decided we remain friends. He even introduced me to his partner over the phone and YM but his partner, who’s used to be popular in showbiz, managed to excuse him self from meeting me. Then one day, Lex* (let’s nickname my partner Lex for reference) wrote me a letter. Telling me that he’ll go away because he already fell for me and thanking me for not returning the favor. I was dumbfounded. I don’t know what to say but I know that I already have feelings for him and I can’t bear him to go away. So I made a decision, I did the unthinkable. I accepted him, I officially became his number two. Yes, naging kabit niya ako. I have no other thing in mind that time to think of an instant solution so sa katangahan ko sinagot ko na siya.

The scary thing is that I forgot he’s already with someone. Naging selfish ako. I even recalled that he said to me that he never thought it would possible to love two person at the same time. I was just so glad that he would not be leaving me now - that I still be able to see him even from a few stolen moments. I know that it’s very unkind of us and very unfair to his current flame but I was so overwhelmed by the feeling of that moment. You may judge and there’s no excuse.

I know marami sa inyo na naging bitter or nagbago ang buhay at takot na mag commit because kinaliwa kayo ng partner ninyo. Kase may isang katulad ko na naging dahilan sa pagbreak ng relationship nyo. I’m sorry, I truly am. Pero that time, sa totoo lang wala ako ibang inisip kundi ang sarap ng feeling na naramdaman ko. Parang muli akong nabuhay. Wala ako hiningi kay Lex, ni oras niya hindi ko hiningi. Kusa niya ibinigay ang bawat nakaw na sandali. From our first kiss sa loob ng tricycle kase madilim naman and the moment was just so right. I can’t even begin to describe how I felt.

Siguro after reading this, a lot of you would not come back reading my life. I will not take it against you. I just would like to share the perspective of a person who used to be a third party.

Like any other story from the movies you’ve seen in the past. We were caught. Grabe, that was one of the hardest and darkest moment that I’ve ever experienced. Lex and I were talking on the phone and he didn’t notice that his partner were already home and was already listening to our conversation. Then I heard a commotion over the other line. I heard how they quarreled. I was listening habang nag-aaway sila. I was again taken aback, caught off guard. I just listened without even listening because I was aware of what took place. Then my phone died. I didn’t notice that I already ran out of battery. My tears just came flooding incessantly, I'm barely breathing and not moving at all.

It took me hours to recover from the shock. I recharged the phone and terrifyingly turn it on. Lot of messages came flooding my phone. I didn’t read them but decided to erase them without reading. My phone rang and I answer. My partner wanted to see me.

I remember how I was afraid to see him. To tell me that it’s over between us. As much as I don’t like to see him, I forced myself to meet him.

We met at a coffee house we’re we used to hang out. His eyes we’re swollen from crying all night and he has a wound on his lower left eye.

“Why did you hang-up on me? Bakit mo ako pinabayaan?,” were the first words he told me.

I didn’t know how to respond. I don’t know how to explain myself. After a while I told him what happened that I ran out of battery and was so shocked myself that I was not able to move for hours. To cut the story short, he bid goodbye and thanked me for the brief moment I spent with him. It was one of his happiest. And so was mine.

After a few weeks he came back and I accepted him.

As I recalled it, if given the chance, I wish Lex and I never met at all. If we still had met after all, I would not have entertained the possibility at all. I know I love him so much but it cause so much pain to the other person whom we hurt and he betrayed. That’s the last thing on my mind, to hurt other people beyond what he deserved. No one deserved that.

I was told that karma would get back at you and it will convey you pain more that what you caused others. Siguro, it’s true. It does not only hurt me but my family suffered as well. My dad and mom broke up, the reason? You guessed it right, a third party. The same person as I used to be. Maybe that’s the reason why I don’t really hate my dad that much, because I understand, napagdaanan ko. Pero the pain that brought us is beyond words. Siguro that’s why hindi na ako gaano open sa mom ko because I was guilty of being a third party.

That no matter how sorry I am, I will no longer be able to fix what’s been broken. To undo what transpired.

Grabe sa dami ng nanligaw sa akin, hindi sa pagbubuhat ng sariling bangko, at sa dami ng pinaiyak ko, never in my life would I thought that I would end up a third part and broke a relationship apart.

Sana when Lex came back to me after, hindi ko na lang siya tinangap because even if they’re not already together, Lex would never be able to give me his whole heart. He still has feeling for Athan* (nickname for his former flame). Like what he told me before that he loves both of us. If given the chance he would not let go anyone of us. Naghalo ang love at awa ko for him, that maybe the reason I accepted him back.

I would also feel guilty if I would not accept him after all it was me, the reason why Athan and Lex did not have a happy ever after. How could I turn my back on him now more than ever that he needs me.

After all these years, it happened almost 5 years ago, but I still feel that he still have feelings for Athan. That no matter how much we love each other, it would not be whole. Haha karma nga for me kase until now I still love him so much pero I think he can no longer love me like he could have if wala ako kahati. I am not complaining but do you think, it would liberate the two of us if we end up our relationship now? Parang kanta nga na ni-revive ni Regine: It’s best to leave while I’m still in love?

I’m not sure though, siguro I’m not yet ready to liberate ourselves. I don’t know really. Maybe, it’s the guilt that has been haunting me or I just matured. It maybe a little too late but I know it might be the best thing to do, or maybe not.

From now on, I will "try" not to share if I have issues with my partner in the future but will tell more about our past. Wala lang, just to tell and hope you’ll pick up some lessons and might avoid what we’ve been through.

Love is indeed mysterious; it will make you whole but breaks you into pieces if it can.

In the end, it’s up to you to decide how to be happy. You may fall, but it’s up to you if you want to stand up and start over again.

I am not sharing this to ask for your understanding. You may judge me if you may. As I mentioned earlier, you might want not to visit me again. It’s ok. I just want to share this to you, so you know, for reference perhaps or for caution. I don’t really know what or how you are going to react but I just want to tell you that it hasn’t been easy for me either. The whole journey might be painful to all of us and lessons might have been learned late, nonetheless, I learned. I know all of us involved, learned a lot as well.

Whatever I am going through right now, the pain, the hardships, I accepted it not thinking that it was the late dues to what I did in the past but part of life that I have to go through - a constant journey that I have to pass through. I have been very optimistic and have so much more to give, whatever I have to experience, I know I’ll still be able to make it through.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. The names mentioned above are not true names to protect the identity of the people involved.
P.S.S. The image was copied from http://www.darklight.ie/archive/images/Confession-Sessionsbg.jpg

14 comments:

  1. normally, i'd be the kunsintidor one and tell you to follow your heart and do whatever makes you happy.

    but then, life isn't all about being happy. we all have to experience our ups and downs to know that something better is always ahead.

    and whatever decision you make in the future, isipin mo lang lagi, there's always two sides in every penny. it's not always that bad.

    ReplyDelete
  2. No judgements, Xtian.

    Each one has to undergo experiences like these in order to forge one's character.

    At the end of the day, it's the choices in life we make that matters.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  3. nagkakamali talaga tayo para matuto. pero ang importante ay ang ginagawa natin para maituwid ang pagkakamali. maniwala ka rin sa isang maaliwalas na bukas at tiyak na ito ay darating. *hugs* my friend. :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dahil sa post mong ito, I guess I will occassionally bring back the dead for me to remember how it was like struggling in a relationship that was bound to go down the drain.

    Don't worry dude, you will not be judged because of your past. My history was marked with so many battles, it still haunts me now that I am free to go back and try my luck in loving again.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  5. ay, talambuhay pala ito. masalimuot at makulay.

    ako rin, indi masyadong fan ng pinoy films. lately ko lang na-appreciate because of the budding indie film industry.

    as for In My Life, I still have to see it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. hi xtian,

    i agree with scheez. masalimuot ang larangan ng pag-ibig. be sure to take lots of vitamins, hehehe. :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. lahat tayo pagdating sa love nabubulag were not taking considerations and di na natin iniisip and magiging pros and cons sa kung anung mangyayari sa pinasok natin, kasi all we know happy tau un ang mahalaga...

    and besides pinagdaraanan ng lahat ng tao yan.. kaya don't blame ur self...at list you have learned you lessons... and kung sakali man magnyari ulit un maiiwasan muna...

    :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. huwag kang mag-aalala, hindi kita hinusgahan sa iyong sinulat

    sa katunayan, nais kong malaman mo na you gained a friend in me with your honesty.

    sana lang matutunan mong patawarin ang sarili mo.

    lalo pa at hindi lang naman ikaw ang may fault.

    sabi nga nila, it takes two to tango

    ReplyDelete
  9. tapos na yan. ok lang yan! (sabay tapik sa balikat)

    kita mo naman ang daming nag comment na kaibigan mo (turo sa taas)

    ReplyDelete
  10. to err is human, to forgive is divine. and it should start with yourself.

    we all did things that we are not proud of. but what's most important is that we learned something from it. trial and error lang ang buhay. pag nadapa, tayo lang, tapos tuloy lang.

    *hugs din*

    ReplyDelete
  11. at one point or another we all went through the same thing. not necessarily the same situation, but the act questions our morals. so you're not alone, and we do not have any right as readers to judge, because we don't really know you.

    this is a medium for smart people, i don't think anyone'll judge you for what you did. to err is human, as maxwell said.

    ReplyDelete
  12. come here and let me hug you...

    ReplyDelete