Tuesday, November 17, 2009
After I was introduced to YM, I have no idea where to look for hookups except from the infrequent chatters. I almost gave up on YM because there nothing there actually that could gratify my desire for a link up. Then I meet this certain chatter from one of the random rooms that I’ve visited. He asked for a cam to cam session and apparently like me. We talked for a while and then invited me to a chat room. From then on my chatting days have transform and my life drastically changed.
The chat room was called “Cute Men’s Locker Room” and I am sure some of you might have been a fan of the said room. It was then later coined as the CMLR room.
If I remember it right, it was on the middle part of 2004 when I get to visit CMLR for the first time. It was an awakening on my part, a realization that there are actually a lot of people like me. Have the same situation and issues that they are trying to understand – to cope up. Not only to find answers but to accept the diversity that the society was trying to ignore; spoken only in hush tones. CMLR provide me doors for my self-discovery.
Days ago, I just had the first experience of doing it to a guy with consent. I let my curiosity won me over and it fed the latent part of me. Slowly roused by the deed and increased my thirst for my newly found discovery. Just like when you did it the first time with your girl but better. Better because you were told it’s not possible or that it’s forbidden. Just a matter of days and life could actually changed – my life that is.
I met friends online, but these people I choose not to meet because they are the instrument of my self discover, hence, my acceptance so I give them my respect. I don’t want to jeopardize things with them that’s why I choose not see them in person. There were others whom I get to meet and hookup and end up in bed, a lot of them as a matter of fact. It was liberation, a freedom and I used it well. I meet different people to master the craft of having sex with your own kind. I make sure that everyday off, I should have at least 2 people to meet and do the deed. It was all fun, it was all play. My rule is simply: don’t do it with your online friends.
There were times, of course, that you get to meet people who fell for you. I was not there for a commitment. I was there to explore and play. One meet is all what I need, but one meet might lead people to fall for you. It wasn’t my fault but I don’t believe that people fall in love in just one meeting. They must have mistaken a good deed or lust for something else called love. Thus, they thought they were into you.
I’m not that much of a looker but I have my qualities. I don’t even think that I’m the kind of guy that you would turn your head when I pass by, but somehow some do haha (feeling). And like most of you out there, I was also pihikan. Maybe I just played my cards all too well, I don’t know. I really don’t know what they found in me that interest them.
In time, I get to learn a game called let others fall for you and crash them later then off you go. Meeting people and just doing the deed bore me in a while. I am not perfect and I am not that good of a person. I have my own share of silliness and you might curse me all you want and I don’t care.
I remember this one nursing student that I met in Starbucks. We had coffee and saw a movie. I played with his emotions and fell for me big time. After 3 days left him without a word, his been contacting me to no avail and he was devastated.
There’s this one guy I met and while doing the deed he kept on telling me that he loves me. I asked him if he meant it and said yes. So I played a long and broke his heart after my next day off. He got so mad so I visit him again and act as if to win him back and when he fell I left him for good.
Then there’s this game where I was fooling around with lovers – by far the meanest. No need to elaborate, go figure.
I’ve been playing and fooling around for months and could no longer count the people I rallied until I met someone and gradually I fell for that someone big time. The good thing though is that he felt the same but he’s already taken. We were caught and were hurt big time. The three of us end up hurt, lost and devastated. It was karma and the joke was on me.
I know now how it felt and so sorry for the things I’ve done. I used not to believe that a man could fall in love with another man. I thought it’s ridiculous and silly. But when I did fall, I fall into a trap that I set up. The damaged has been done.
I cried a river of tears and my drinking habits went overboard. My health was affected and my work in call center suffered. I was admitted in a hospital twice before I finally resigned from work.
Despite of it all, I still frequent CMLR. Still playing the game but felt empty afterwards. The thrill was no more. I no longer find joy in what I do. Then I happen to chat with one person. I don’t know but I suddenly open up myself and told him everything. He offered his friendship and told me that I should have real friends who are like me in order for me to be guided and truly understand this kind of life that we had. So I agreed to meet him up only to end up in bed with him haha.
He was sincere in being friends with me. He introduced me to another friend. Somehow he was able to help me. Gradually, I was able to stand up again. But he end up falling in love with me, since I respected him that much and thankful for his help I told him that we should remain just friends.
Now that I think I have the liberty to chat again and meet up with new buddies, I tried to check the room but it was no longer there, all YM rooms actually. I still found the yahoo group which to my surprise is still active - new rules, new people and it evolved into something else. And so far I can’t find the web but I guess they’re no longer have one. I think CMLR now was not the same as before, it will never be. Time flies really fast.
I check my old YM id and found out that I still have loads of PMs and requests as old as last month haha. They even leave their numbers. My downelink and other myspace are still active but empty now, I don’t know why (maybe that’s the penalty for 5 years of absence haha). Amazing, my other friendster account is still active and my contacts are still there haha. Should I be active again? Hmm need to think about it.
For what I am now and what I have become, somehow, CMLR (the chat room) played a vital role. So this entry serves as a dedication to CMLR and all the people I came to know there.
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://morethananelectrician.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/lockerroom1.jpg