Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Melancholia

Sometimes I think my bosses have this ability to detect whether I’m down or not. When I’m on my usual happy self, they won’t give me lot of things to do in the office. However, when I’m down and sad they give me lots of things to do and have to finish soon. Now, I’m quite not myself but since work keeps me busy, it would take me away from pain all through the day.

I have like 14 projects to finish now. Felt like my brain’s going to explode anytime now, at least it’s not my heart. These projects are actually shielding me from pain.

I was chatting with a friend then suddenly it hit me. Things started to sink in.

I used to be so dependent on him. I built my world around him. I have chosen to forget my friends and decided to quit my job just to be with him when he needed me.

We would spend days together on his pad. We don’t go out that much. When we do, it’s always during the afternoon. We would take a bath together. Do almost all things together.

He would play music, light candles and prepare our dinner. Then we would go to the rooftop to hang around and sing along on his music collections while he smokes and I had my coffee in to drink.

Later make love. This has been our set-up for the first three years.

Until he changed jobs and I decided to find new job.

Slowly things changed. I saw the change, but it will be good because I will not become too dependent on him, same goes with him. Slowly we learn to detached part of ourselves from each other. We reconnected with our friends and families. It was all good, I though. But never thought it will come to this.

First the K.Y., then there’s condom, then the endless fight. Coldness. Then the message I received. Then there are photos. Then I found out who. Then he pretends.

I’m having headache now. I need a drink.

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Melancholia is a profound presentation of depression. With this form of depression, there is a complete loss of pleasure in all or almost everything. The start of these episodes is usually not caused by a specific event, and even when something good happens, the individual's mood does not improve, not even for a short time.

Source: http://bipolar.about.com/od/depression/f/faq_melancholia.htm

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Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://nucleo.ces.clemson.edu/home/online_tools/sparse_matrix/0.1/images/Melancholia_I.png

8 comments:

  1. It is those kind of bonds that are difficult to beat. And I wonder, in those five years, were there any times I was like that.

    I will try to remember.

    And I hope yours is not too late.

    ReplyDelete
  2. be strong kuya xtian

    hindi natatapos ang lahat sa oras na matapos ang kaligayahan

    sa katunayan, ito ang panimula ng panibagong bahagi ng iyong buhay

    at iyon ay ang paghahanap ng iyong sarili

    ang pagbuo ng nawasak na puso

    hindi ka nag-iisa

    pakatatag lang kuya,

    it will be one heck of a ride

    ReplyDelete
  3. what do you mean the KY... and the condom... they weren't there before? nasa medical field siguro ako kaya yun yung napansin ko . *sigh* 3 years

    ReplyDelete
  4. kaya mo yan, christian. we're just here for you. kung gusto mong iinom yan, yayain mo lang kami.

    Cheer up although it's hard, i know the feeling but we have to endure all the pain for us to move on. There's no other way but to let go and move on...

    ReplyDelete
  5. i just found this quote appropriate for your situation.

    7 things you should realize before crying on a break up:

    7) Every race has a finish line
    6) Breaking up is either letting go of a good one or kicking out a moron
    5) you lose a person because a more important one must enter
    4) love has its own reason, destiny has it's own way and karma has it's own judgement
    3) the one who cries the worst, is the one who loves the most
    2) time won't heal the heartache, but a new love will surely do
    1) it's the end of the relationship, but not your life.

    You'll be okay xtian. We're all here for you. =)

    ReplyDelete
  6. things always happen for a reason bro. just keep it together. everything passes. eventually.

    kaya mo yan. dito lang kami.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Gusto kong mag-amok ng away para sa 'yo. Pero hindi nararapat yun..

    Nakakainis lang minsan at ganyan talaga nangyayari. Basta huwag 'mong limutin na alagaan ang sarili, at kung kailangan ng masasandalan.. maraming mga kaibigan sa paligid.

    ReplyDelete
  8. sometimes we love another person so much that we lose ourselves in the process. in the end, when things do not work out, it has already become very difficult to pull things together and pick ourselves up.

    but we should learn to... not for anyone, but for ourselves.

    ReplyDelete