Thursday, November 26, 2009
I went home early yesterday, the client postponed the meeting and rescheduled it later today. I decided to go home first to leave my stuff before going to Taft. I was walking on my way home when we bumped into each other.
“Oh saan ka?,” he asked.
“Hindi natuloy so iwan ko muna gamit ko,” I replied.
“Pupunta ako ng Save More, check ko if pwede pa ‘tong credit card ko,” he said while showing his cards.
“Ok uwi muna ako,” I said as I head for home, he followed me.
Before we entered the house I gave him money.
“Ito na lang gamitin mo, baka hindi pa pwede card mo. Hindi mo pa nabayaran ‘yan,” I offered him.
“Pero try ko pa din,” he said as he accepted the bill.
“Teka akin na nga lang ‘yan at ito na sayo,” as I gave him a larger bill.
I put my stuff on the floor and changed my clothes. He left to set off to Save More. After I finished dressing up I went out and headed to Taft.
On my way back to QC, the train I was in suddenly stopped. So we’re asked to vacate it and wait for another train to come. Ayala MRT Station is still a nightmare. Daming pa din tao putik.
I am in no mood to go home just yet so I decided to go online in a café. I was adding, checking, and replying to whatever there is to do in FB and Multiply. I went online in YM and chatted with some new found friends (thanks sa kakulitan ninyo ha, I appreaciate it a lot, alam nyo na kung sino kayo so no need na magcomment dito lol).
By 12 midnight, the café closes so I decided to go home. I was walking home while talking to a friend on the phone. I haven’t noticed the time, it’s already past 2am so he reminded me that I still have work later so we called it a night.
I entered the room and as expected he was already asleep.
I inserted my other SIM to check for messages. There were 3.
Message 1: “Gusto mo ng nudels?”
Message 2: “Akala ko sa ****** ka lang? tagal ano oras na?
Message 3: “labyue beybi..lock+mu yng dor mu ha bka psukin k ng ka.bord mate mu jan..uhmm”
The first two messages were clearly intented for me, the third one however was for someone else, he just happened to sent it to me accidentally (again).
This time, wala na ako ramamdamam. Ayoko na muna umuwi tonight. Bahala na kung saan ako makikitulog.
“I am here to tell you we can never meet again
Simple really, isn't it, a word or two and then”
“Every moment of my life from now until I die
I will think or dream of you and fail to understand
How a perfect love can be confounded out of hand”
“You are all I'll ever want, but this I am denied
Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wish I'd never learned
What it is to be in love and have that love returned”
- excerp from Written In The Stars, Elton John/Tim Rice’s Aida
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://www.mobilechoiceuk.com/mobile_choice/cms_assets/news/texting-1-46949-46950.jpg
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Yesterday I was supposed to go on leave in the afternoon because my headache was still bothering me. However, there is still so much to do in the office so I was not allowed. By 5:30 in the afternoon I decided to go and deliver some stuff for my client. Luckily, a friend was in the area so I decided to meet him up there. My headache still hasn’t ebbed out but already manageable.
I arrived late and saw my friend first looking seriously at his laptop and talking to someone on the phone, apparently doing some office chores. I said hi and took another chair from the opposite table and sat in front of him. I open up my laptop and prepare stuffs for the client. I had coffee while he had cheesecake.
After a while, my client’s friend called up to pick up the stuff and I excused myself to give the stuff. My client’s friend is cute but he was in a hurry so we haven’t got the chance to talk. I assumed that this person is my client’s beau.
My friend and I talked over some issues that are hunting us. By 9 or 9:30 pm we called it a night. Instead of going home, I went to my favorite store to buy some yogurt for myself. It’s been a while since the last time I visited the place, this used to be our favorite yogurt place. I can’t help reminiscing the good old days.
By 11 pm I was home, I was still texting another friend asking him to let me borrow his comics’ collection and texting my new best friend about some issues he’s currently facing, which by the was mirrors mine.
He was already asleep when I arrived. I decided to take a shower and decided to sleep early because I’m still not feeling well.
I was awoken by a sudden pang of pain on my leg. I tried to ignore it at first but the more it hurts, until I can’t take it anymore. I can’t help it but shout. I’m in so much pain that time. I haven’t felt that way before. It’s like piercing me and ripping my muscles apart.
I notice him standing up and switched the light on.
“Xtian, Xtian, tayo ka.”
“Ahhhhhhhhh, hindi ko kaya.”
“Xtian, sige na.”
“Ahhhh, sakit. Sakit sakit.
I don’t know how he did it but he sort of carried me and hugged me tight so I could stand up. I’m pretty heavy but he was able to.
“Tayo ka bilis. Hawak ka lang sa akin.”
I hugged him tight, still closing my eyes trying my best to stand up.
“Ayan ganyan tayo mo lang yan. Shhhh mawawala na 'yan maya maya.”
And he was right, after a while, the pain had become lesser now so I went back to bed. I force myself to sleep again because I was embarrassed. I never expected that I would react that way while in so much pain. Luckily, he didn’t panic as well.
I woke up and my leg still hurts. He was already preparing for school so I headed straight to the shower. After the shower I notice that he already left. I open the door and saw something in the bed. I saw something that I never thought I would ever see again. I suddenly forgot the pain and discomfort brought about by my leg.
My heart melted. I sighed. Then I smiled. (Sh*t! The small things he does.)
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Health/Images/Knee-Pain.jpg
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
“Gising na maligo ka na. 6 am na.”
“Sakit ng ulo ko.”
I love him because he takes good care of me.
I love him because he makes me feel secured.
I love him because he makes me smile.
“If magkakaroon ka ng iba, pakilala mo sa akin ha. Para naman malaman ko na you’ll be in good hands.”
“Ano ka ba? Why do you have to talk like that?”
I love him because he’s smart, funny and outspoken. We often had friendly arguments over things that interest either one of us. We debate over simple things.
I love him because he’s strict. He always reminds me of things that I often forget. He guides me always. Spoon fed.
I love him because he thinks I’m cuter when I’m fat. He would then tickle me and then we wrestle until we stop when we ran out of breath.
“Nakahiga ka na naman diyan. Hindi ka pa nga naliligo eh. Didikit ang dumi ng katawan mo sa bed. Kaya tayo nagkakataghiyawat niyan.”
“Pagod ako. Pahinga lang ng konti. I’m here naman sa may paanan.”
I love him because he stays with me all day without anything to do and without anything to say. We could stay in bed all day and night just starring at each other and sometimes smiles at each other.
I love him because he makes me feel loved and with all the little things he does.
I love him just because.
“Close your eyes. Can you feel where in your face I’m pointing my finger to?”
The Curious Cat
P.S. Images courtesy of http://www.liverefresh.com/images/beach-silhouette.jpg
“What happened to us?”
“Ikaw eh, ever since you got famous with what you do, you no longer have time with me.”
He’s sweet in his own little ways. He really takes time to know what makes me happy. He doesn’t want to be hugged but he hugs me all the time because I like it.
He loves music and would often sing along with his favorite tunes. He used to be afraid of videoke’s but still sing a song or two if I ask him to. Now he can carry a tune well.
He loves to cook for others. He would prepare the food and watch me while I eat. He would explain how one ingredient compliments the other. He would explain how it would be served. He would grin if he thinks that I love it.
“Dati kase lagi tayo magkasama.”
“But you said we depend on each other too much. That I have to meet other people too.”
He loves his coffee and cigarettes. It’s either latte or a mix of chocolate, mallows and lots of creamer. We often went to the rooftop and watch the stars while he finishes his coffee.
He loves photography. He took photos of himself, friends and me, but mostly of me, most of the time. Then he edits it and turns it into his masterpiece.
He loves reading books. He buys books all the time even if he ran out of money. He knows that I love books as well. We usually lie down on bed with his legs over mine as we race who’ll finished first. Sometimes he will read it aloud for us if we want to read the same book together.
“Diba, every night I when I am about to go home I’ll text you and ask you to accompany me eat dinner outside.”
“Sometimes it’s best to eat inside the pad.”
He loves movies and so do I. We would watch movies together at the theatre. Even if he doesn’t like the film he stills accompany me. Then we would play his DVD collections over and over again during idle nights.
He loves to stare at me in the morning. I would often catch him looking at me. Then he would smile and shows me the photo of me that he just took. He would then say, “Oily ng skin mo?” Then grin while I try to wipe my face.
He loves to teach. He would lend his time to those who wants to know something that he knows. He doesn’t teach me though hehe.
“We usually have Sunday for ourselves but I often catch you talking with someone on the phone.”
“You always talk about work anyway.”
He loves to browse the net. He could spend all day and night browsing the net, playing flash games on facebook, and adding friends on networking sites - including his exes.
He loves his family. I know, I met them already and I know how he takes care of them.
He loves me and a few others too.
“Malay mo you’ll meet someone else too. Go ahead. You might fall in love hangang itatago mo na din sa akin.”
“You’ll leave me na ba?”
”You know I will never do that.”
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://imagecache5.art.com/p/LRG/29/2901/AKWPD00Z/jeff-greenberg-silhouette-of-man-on-pier-fl.jpg
Monday, November 23, 2009
I had a very long day yesterday. I already woke up by 7 am because Mina’s* been ringing my phone nonstop. I forced myself to get up even if I still want to sleep some more, I only get to have 2 hours and 30 minutes of sleep.
The sun is up and its rays illuminate my now beige (used to be white) wall. He’s still asleep by my side so I carefully got up so not to wake him up, you see I still refuse to talk to him since the wrong sent message I received from him. I look at him while he sleeps, his breathe is in a constant rhythm and fine lines starts to show on his forehead. He still looks handsome while I’m gaining so much weight. The light being reflected by my wall added the whimsical feel of seeing him sleep calmly, I wonder what or whose he’s dreaming of now.
I stood in front of the mirror and checked the stranger looking back at me. My unruly long hair (my trademark to be different in my field so that clients will remember me from hoards of wannabees out there, I once was a wannabee too so I know how hard it is to penetrate) seemed to be a total disaster. I remember Kim Chiu’s Rejoice commercial and thought that I might to get that shampoo for myself to soften my buhaghag hair, maybe it might do some miracle. It’s been two years since I got myself a proper hair cut. I ought to have Taboo’s (Black Eyed Pees) from their latest video, but worried it might affect my career. Sacrifice - why does it have to be so hard? The person in the mirror was grinning and shaking his head, telling me how silly I am.
My arms are huge now from dragging my stuff (the total weight of the bag is about 190 lbs) whenever I have to meet my clients (and that does not include my 3 other luggage. It’s hard not to have my own car). You can’t see the muscles that once were so obvious except for the triceps. My abs were gone completely and turned into jelly like caterpillar-ish shaped attached to my body. My clients and friends say that I’m lucky to be tall or else I’ll look like a walking ball now. My beard doesn’t help much, so I thought the beard should go first before someone else out there will hire me to play Santa on their children’s Christmas Party.
After examining myself, I asked myself what have I become. I need to bring my old self back again. Two years of stopping from working out and eating the same amount of food could turn you into a stranger you used to hide yourself from, someone you refuse to meet after seeing the person first in an eyeball. Talk about karma.
He succeeded in turning me into this so that no other people would look at me, desire for me, would want me. It’s also because I let him to. I used to feel secured from him, from our relationship so I really don’t care that much how other people see me as long as he’ll be there for me. I remember how he would document my progress (of getting fat) everyday by snapping photos of me and put it in a well kept folder in his laptop.
This has to stop and I must need to do something, I told myself. All I need is two months but my schedule was impossible today. You see, work in the office is piling up and I end up going out by 8 or 9pm. Most of the time, I still have to meet clients for a meeting. My weekends are already booked until March 2010. Have to travel locally and across some countries in Asia. I only get to sleep 4 hours max everyday. What I need now is to review my schedule so I’ll find time for myself.
By 8 am I went to Toto* and Vangie* (a married couple) to fetch Mina who had an overnight sleep there, we ate breakfast. As much as I’d love to play wii with my friend’s son, I declined the child’s request because it’s already 8:45 am and the client’s call time is 9 am. We arrive late (my first, Mina moves like a snail that’s why) so we have to begin the session right away. Some point in the session I excused myself quickly to meet another client from our last session.
By 4 pm we went to the street and after a while we went back upstairs to the client’s condo unit. Then I felt dizzy, it must be the heat. Or I got “hawa” by my client’s sickness. Toto and Vangie came to fetch me and Mina. Toto* is also having colds and fever so I got worried I might get sick later on. By 8pm we finished the session and I’m already not feeling well (again my first). I have to meet another client pa sana somewhere in Makati but called them that I can’t make it because I felt dizzy and might get sick. I was also supposed to meet a friend in Timog but he called up that he’s going na and can’t wait for me.
Toto, Vangie, Mina and I decided to have dinner first before going to another meeting but after dinner I told them that I need to rest na and head home. Told then I can’t afford to get sick because I still have loads of stuff to do in the office the next day. I gave Toto two medicines and have 2 for myself to prevent myself from getting sick. By 9:30 pm I was already home, he was not there so I decided to take a shower, then texted some friends whom I befriended these past few days before switching to my regular SIM.
Upon tuning the phone on, I was bombarded with text messages from one client and was asking me why he didn’t get any from the last session. I didn’t reply instead called another friend. Told my friend that I didn’t deliver any to this client because I’m against violence. I’ve known lately that this client hurts other people physically and how I am against it. Remember, my mom suffered really badly from my Dad so I really don’t care if the client will get mad at me. I have way better and powerful contacts than him, and I’ve heard no one wants to work with him anymore. I also called the other client as to why he did not inform me about this particular client, had I known earlier, I wouldn’t have work with him in the first place.
Before going to bed I took vitamins and some meds to prevent from getting sick the next day. It’s only 11:30 pm and that was my earliest sleep since I forgot.
He woke me up by 6 am, he told me to get up or I’ll be late. Saw him already dressed up and ready to leave for the University. I had a headache and throat hurts a bit. Oh well, I need to get up and be ready for office. Still loads of stuff to finish.
So now here I am in the office, finishing this entry while waiting for the program to end its query. I also logged in to multiply (it’s been a while huh) and added 44 friends and clients from 143 invitations, too bad FB is restricted here so I can’t add some friends right now. I’m quite better now but still my head hurts a bit. I can manage this, after all, the office policy is no work no pay. I can’t afford to absent myself even for just a day, sayang ang miles hehe.
The Curious Cat
*Not real names to protect people involved.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://densonhomehealth.com/images/sick%20child%201.gif
Friday, November 20, 2009
I had fun spending time with him, but I had to cut our meeting short because I promise a friend to attend the premier night of Ninja Assassin at the Gateway Mall in Cubao.
It was already 7:45 pm and I’m still in Makati heading to MRT Ayala Station, the premier night will start at 8pm. I texted my friend and told him I’m on my way and also asked if I’ll be able to make it. He said yes because it’s still early and a lot of trailers will be shown before the actual movie.
The queue was so long so I had to wait patiently. As usual the platform was jam-packed with people heading north. I had to squeeze my body to fit in when the train finally arrived, there’s no time to wait for another train so I had to be on that train or else I won’t be able to make it.
Upon entering, I notice a cute guy so I decided to stand next to him. I moved closer so I had to put my right leg at the back of his left leg and carefully place myself so I could still see his face haha. The train is masikip so my intentions weren’t that obvious. Every now and then I tried to brush my elbow against his and he responded by doing the same. I noticed that he’s looking at me through our reflection on the glass in front of us. Nahiya ako, so I looked down. Shet, I notice his feet (naka tsenelas lang siya), maitim at ang his nails are shiny. Hala naka nail polish yata. Na turn-off ako so I distanced myself a little bit away from him. Sayang cute pa naman at may potential.
At Boni station the train halted to let some passengers out and some went in. The three persons in front of us went out so I decided to take a seat so does the cute guy. Deadma lang kPOST http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.do HTTP/1.1ase turn-off na nga.
Upon arriving at Cubao Station I went out the train and doon din pala stop niya. Shet dikit ng dikit sa akin as in magkadikit na ang braso namin, gusto ko na mag-give in kaso I still have a movie to watch and I don’t like the idea that he wears shiny nail polish so binagalan ko lakad ko at hinayaan ko na siya mauna. Aba bumagal din siya ng kaunti, pero I think na nanotice niya na hindi ako susunod so bumilis na lakad niya papalayo.
I arrived at the Gateway mall and use the elevator heading to the floor where the cinema is. I told them my contact and went in, luckily ang daming trailer so the movie hasn’t started yet. Ang daming movies to watch for like Clash of the Titans, Avatar at Sherlock. Can’t wait to watch these movies, and I was told that the Avatar’s premier night will be at IMAX theatre in MOA in full 3D haha. Mas lalo ako na-excite.
The Ninja Assassin finally started. Wala ako masabi kundi dugo, puro dugo. Brutal siya at tiyak matutuwa ang mga hard core fans ang gory movies. Simula pa lang yung pagtatatto at dumudugo ang skin pero wala lang pala yun. I don’t want to be a spoiler pero bloody talaga ang movie na ‘to. At first masho-shock ka kase you don’t expect the movie to be like that. Muntik na ako umalis kase parang hindi ko na kaya. Along the way masasanay ka na din. Buti nga it’s rated PG-13 (with extreme caution) and not R-18. Sabagay sayang naman kase ang mga fans ni Rain ay mga teens, baka hindi makapanood.
Overall I actually like the movie. It’s a popcorn-ish movie but the effort of the lead star blows me away. Rain, the lead star, as a singer doesn’t appeal that much for me pero with this movie sobra siya naging hot for me. With his almost perfect sculpted body hahaay drool worthy haha (Doc Mike at Ternie ‘wag na mag roll ang eyes niyo ha hmp). Plus the moves, shet, the moves na may dugo dugo haha, I don’t know pero pinipigilan ko lang sarili ko kase my straight friends were there and I don’t want to give them ideas. First time ko sasabihin to, ang “yummy” niya sa movie haha. I can’t even believe myself that’s what I was thinking almost the entire movie despite all its goriness. Mas lalo ako nainganyo na mag gym na talaga at mag enroll sa Elorde.
I recommend this film sa inyo. Go watch it. His “moves” pa lang, worth it na.
The last part of the movie ay parang commercial ng Clear Shampoo for Men hehe. Nasa rooftop siya while the wind blows his jet-black dandruff-free hair haha. Tama na nga at manood na lang kayo when showing na sa theatres near you.
The Curious Cat
P.S. Photo is courtesy of http://www.onscreenchemistry.com/img/user/Ninja_Assassin.jpg
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
After I was introduced to YM, I have no idea where to look for hookups except from the infrequent chatters. I almost gave up on YM because there nothing there actually that could gratify my desire for a link up. Then I meet this certain chatter from one of the random rooms that I’ve visited. He asked for a cam to cam session and apparently like me. We talked for a while and then invited me to a chat room. From then on my chatting days have transform and my life drastically changed.
The chat room was called “Cute Men’s Locker Room” and I am sure some of you might have been a fan of the said room. It was then later coined as the CMLR room.
If I remember it right, it was on the middle part of 2004 when I get to visit CMLR for the first time. It was an awakening on my part, a realization that there are actually a lot of people like me. Have the same situation and issues that they are trying to understand – to cope up. Not only to find answers but to accept the diversity that the society was trying to ignore; spoken only in hush tones. CMLR provide me doors for my self-discovery.
Days ago, I just had the first experience of doing it to a guy with consent. I let my curiosity won me over and it fed the latent part of me. Slowly roused by the deed and increased my thirst for my newly found discovery. Just like when you did it the first time with your girl but better. Better because you were told it’s not possible or that it’s forbidden. Just a matter of days and life could actually changed – my life that is.
I met friends online, but these people I choose not to meet because they are the instrument of my self discover, hence, my acceptance so I give them my respect. I don’t want to jeopardize things with them that’s why I choose not see them in person. There were others whom I get to meet and hookup and end up in bed, a lot of them as a matter of fact. It was liberation, a freedom and I used it well. I meet different people to master the craft of having sex with your own kind. I make sure that everyday off, I should have at least 2 people to meet and do the deed. It was all fun, it was all play. My rule is simply: don’t do it with your online friends.
There were times, of course, that you get to meet people who fell for you. I was not there for a commitment. I was there to explore and play. One meet is all what I need, but one meet might lead people to fall for you. It wasn’t my fault but I don’t believe that people fall in love in just one meeting. They must have mistaken a good deed or lust for something else called love. Thus, they thought they were into you.
I’m not that much of a looker but I have my qualities. I don’t even think that I’m the kind of guy that you would turn your head when I pass by, but somehow some do haha (feeling). And like most of you out there, I was also pihikan. Maybe I just played my cards all too well, I don’t know. I really don’t know what they found in me that interest them.
In time, I get to learn a game called let others fall for you and crash them later then off you go. Meeting people and just doing the deed bore me in a while. I am not perfect and I am not that good of a person. I have my own share of silliness and you might curse me all you want and I don’t care.
I remember this one nursing student that I met in Starbucks. We had coffee and saw a movie. I played with his emotions and fell for me big time. After 3 days left him without a word, his been contacting me to no avail and he was devastated.
There’s this one guy I met and while doing the deed he kept on telling me that he loves me. I asked him if he meant it and said yes. So I played a long and broke his heart after my next day off. He got so mad so I visit him again and act as if to win him back and when he fell I left him for good.
Then there’s this game where I was fooling around with lovers – by far the meanest. No need to elaborate, go figure.
I’ve been playing and fooling around for months and could no longer count the people I rallied until I met someone and gradually I fell for that someone big time. The good thing though is that he felt the same but he’s already taken. We were caught and were hurt big time. The three of us end up hurt, lost and devastated. It was karma and the joke was on me.
I know now how it felt and so sorry for the things I’ve done. I used not to believe that a man could fall in love with another man. I thought it’s ridiculous and silly. But when I did fall, I fall into a trap that I set up. The damaged has been done.
I cried a river of tears and my drinking habits went overboard. My health was affected and my work in call center suffered. I was admitted in a hospital twice before I finally resigned from work.
Despite of it all, I still frequent CMLR. Still playing the game but felt empty afterwards. The thrill was no more. I no longer find joy in what I do. Then I happen to chat with one person. I don’t know but I suddenly open up myself and told him everything. He offered his friendship and told me that I should have real friends who are like me in order for me to be guided and truly understand this kind of life that we had. So I agreed to meet him up only to end up in bed with him haha.
He was sincere in being friends with me. He introduced me to another friend. Somehow he was able to help me. Gradually, I was able to stand up again. But he end up falling in love with me, since I respected him that much and thankful for his help I told him that we should remain just friends.
Now that I think I have the liberty to chat again and meet up with new buddies, I tried to check the room but it was no longer there, all YM rooms actually. I still found the yahoo group which to my surprise is still active - new rules, new people and it evolved into something else. And so far I can’t find the web but I guess they’re no longer have one. I think CMLR now was not the same as before, it will never be. Time flies really fast.
I check my old YM id and found out that I still have loads of PMs and requests as old as last month haha. They even leave their numbers. My downelink and other myspace are still active but empty now, I don’t know why (maybe that’s the penalty for 5 years of absence haha). Amazing, my other friendster account is still active and my contacts are still there haha. Should I be active again? Hmm need to think about it.
For what I am now and what I have become, somehow, CMLR (the chat room) played a vital role. So this entry serves as a dedication to CMLR and all the people I came to know there.
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://morethananelectrician.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/lockerroom1.jpg
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The early morning brought cool winds gently but slowly numbing me. I’m freezing. It is the time of the year when Manila normally went chilly. The snow slowly melts from neighboring countries and the wind carries the frosty breeze in the usually humid Metropolitan. I can no longer take the cold so I forced myself to stretch to ease the numbness I was feeling.
I wake up early that day. It’s been few days since I just arrived from the province, spent the Holidays with my family. It was 2005 already, time flies really fast I thought. Since it was my day off from the call center that I used to work for, I decided to go shopping. I know discounts were all over the malls due to the ending season. I haven’t shop for myself because I give most of the stuff I bought last year to my siblings. I even bought mom and dad gifts. I had to start the day early to look for the finest discounted items just for myself.
I arrived early before the mall opened its doors for frugal shoppers like me. There were already a number of us outside patiently waiting for the mall to be opened. I am not surprised because when I used to look for a job, I usually go to mall early to escape from tending my little cousins and end up just like this – waiting for the mall to open.
When the mall finally opened, I roamed around the mall. I used to think that Galleria is my play ground whenever I get bored from sleeping all day at the boarding house, my escape from the metro's scorching heat. I was already mid-lunch were able to buy about 3 shirts and pair jeans when I finally said I had enough strolling.
It was a long day and didn’t expect to spend the whole morning at the mall so I decided to log online. After a while, I received a private message from Ted*, it says:
“Xtian, where you at?”
“At the mall,” I replied.
“Want to craPOST http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.do HTTP/1.1sh my pad?,” he offered.
“He’s there? So finally, I can meet him (his partner) na?,” I asked.
“Nope, ako lang dito. Wala magawa. Sige na, I’ll cook for you,” the text said.
“Sige ba. What time? Text mo sa akin paano makapunta sa place mo ha.”
Ted told me to go to his place by 11pm. I took a jeep and it passes Rosario going to Cubao and then took another bus going to his place somewhere in QC.
It was a long ride, I didn’t take a taxi because umandar pagkakuripot ko.
I texted him when I finally arrived at the place he texted me. I waited for a while before someone got out of the building carrying two plastic bags full of rubbish. He signaled me to go near him as he throws the bags away.
“Ang layo pala,” told him.
“Ikaw ang malayo hehe. Tara,” he offered.
His place is small but very nice. Only a lamp posted near the kitchen illuminates the area. The entire place was decorated and posted by film memorabilia (LOTR, Star wars, etc.) and several posters of performers. I already know that he loves music and computers so it’s not a shocker for me to see the set up. In fact, back in college I also put huge posters of movie on my walls given from my classmate who owns a video renting store. What surprise me though are the toys hanging here and there all over the place. He’s a child at heart, prettily like me.
“I’m preparing Pasta – my specialty. Sana magustuhan mo,” he smiled as he chops button mushrooms and black olives.
“Favorite ko ‘yan Ted. Wow, excited na ako,” told him delightfully as I drop the shopping bags that I was carrying on top of the table where the lamp is situated.
He carefully prepared the ingredients and checked the pasta from time to time if it’s ready. I love watching him. It was actually a scene to behold. Wow, I never thought someone would prepare food for me other than my mother. I usually cook for my ex-gfs before but no one prepared one for me. I didn’t know that small gesture would bring him closer to me. Slowly, I am opening my heart for him.
“Ayan na,” he said as he offered a plate of Pasta to me.
“Wow, ang sarap men,” told him while savoring the pasta. It was delicious, more that what I expect actually. He told me that he used to work in a hotel kitchen. Now I know why this Pasta tastes so good. He even told me that next time he will prepare a different one.
We chat for a while and then told me to watch some of his DVD collections. While the movie played he fell asleep. I can’t help but look at him while he sleeps. He looks really good, kind of chubby but it actually complements him. Thick brows and long lashes. His unusual red lips and freckles compliment his fair skin. He looks at ease while he sleeps.
Why I am doing this, am I falling for him? This has to stop, I told myself. He’s already taken and I should not go beyond the limits of friendship he’s given me.
After 2 movies, I decided its time for me to go. I woke him up and told him that the sun is about to rise. That I need to go home because I have work later in the evening and haven’t slept yet.
He accompanied me downstairs and hailed a jeep. I smiled as the jip took me away from him. Absentmindedly, I am hugging my shopping bag thinking that he’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever had that day. That what inside the shopping bag compares nothing to the joy he has given me. At that moment, I was changed. I decided not to play games anymore. Not to hurt people heart anymore - to open my heart again after three years of mourning from heartache brought by my ex-girl friend. I will start to look for someone like him to spend moments with - to finally look and find love.
You see it was him who changed me and the catalyst for me to open my heart and be able to love again. I never thought it was him who brought back the pain that cost me three years of mourning. That caused me to play with other people emotions and struck them pain to my hearts content. I never thought that the old me that I thought was dead eons ago will rise again and “might” play the hunting/hurting game again.
Watch me as I will rise from the grave. 2 months, give me two months and then I decide which path to take. Who knows I might start with Ted.
The Curious Cat
*Not actual name to protect the identity of the person.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.restaurantwidow.com/images/2007/05/29/pasta.jpg
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I was chatting with a friend then suddenly it hit me. Things started to sink in.
I used to be so dependent on him. I built my world around him. I have chosen to forget my friends and decided to quit my job just to be with him when he needed me.
We would spend days together on his pad. We don’t go out that much. When we do, it’s always during the afternoon. We would take a bath together. Do almost all things together.
He would play music, light candles and prepare our dinner. Then we would go to the rooftop to hang around and sing along on his music collections while he smokes and I had my coffee in to drink.
Later make love. This has been our set-up for the first three years.
Until he changed jobs and I decided to find new job.
Slowly things changed. I saw the change, but it will be good because I will not become too dependent on him, same goes with him. Slowly we learn to detached part of ourselves from each other. We reconnected with our friends and families. It was all good, I though. But never thought it will come to this.
First the K.Y., then there’s condom, then the endless fight. Coldness. Then the message I received. Then there are photos. Then I found out who. Then he pretends.
I’m having headache now. I need a drink.
Melancholia is a profound presentation of depression. With this form of depression, there is a complete loss of pleasure in all or almost everything. The start of these episodes is usually not caused by a specific event, and even when something good happens, the individual's mood does not improve, not even for a short time.
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://nucleo.ces.clemson.edu/home/online_tools/sparse_matrix/0.1/images/Melancholia_I.png
Nakainom na naman ako kagabi, two bottles lang naman ng Red Horse so wala lang ‘yun. Hayaan niyo na muna ako hehe tolerate niyo muna.
Before I decided to commit myself in a relationship, I had my share of kabulastugan. Siyempre, everything was so new to me so I explore a lot. Knowing my curios self, if something would interest me, hindi ako makakatulog unless I tried it. Of course, I frequent chat rooms. I would chat and look for possible prospects.
During my time, pahirapan ang maghanap ng bottom. If someone enters the chat room ang declares that he’s a bottom, ayun na, parang ewan kung maguunahan ang mga top sa pagkuha sa attention ng bottom na ‘yun.
One time, I met someone near pasig. Tripper daw. Upon meeting him, tangina, iba yata ang photo na pinadala niya o sobra pagka photoshop. Hindi naman ako kagwapuhan (at sinasabi ko ‘yun sa mga naka chat ko) pero naman, words fail me. We were walking and I was slightly behind him. Then when a jeepney passes by, ayun bigla ako kumabit at sumakay. Napalingon na lang siya at wala na ako. He texted me:
“Dude, what happen? Kahit jakol lang.”
I erased his message and his number. Mean.
There was this one incident when I met someone sa Robinsons Galleria, he arrived late, he apologized because they had dinner with his officemates pa daw. When he arrived, he looks good actually kaso medyo malamya kumilos, so I told myself pwede na ‘to pampalipas libog.
So I invited him home para doon naming gawin, hindi marunong mag kiss ang putik. Naalala ko tuloy ang post ng isang blogger ‘yung tipong oopen ang bibig then labas ng dila at ‘yun na. So I told him na bj na niya ako. Matagal ako labasan so ok lang if matagal ako i-bj, kaso parang nilalagari si junior. Ang sakit at parang kinakayod na ng mga ipin niya. So pinastop ko na siya at pina-uwi. Bad trip, hindi na tuloy ako maka jakol kase maga na alaga ko.
Then heto pa, may na meet ako sa Mega Mall, patawarin niyo na ako pero pagkakita ko sa kanya, I turned off my phone and walked away. He reached out sa YM later pa and been texting me for days. Hindi ko na siya pinansin.
Those were some of the things I did in the past, as what I’ve said before; everything was so new to me. So there’s no use wasting time over neither someone who you don’t want to end up in bed nor someone who won’t satisfy your craving. I’ve been mean, I know. I was young then, not an excuse but that’s the easiest way out. I was sorry, really, it was hard and I made judgment hastily without even thinking what the outcome might be.
Then one day I woke up. I was bombarded by endless calls and texts from strangers whose numbers were not registered on my phone book. Some of the messages were:
“Pre ako pwede. Kelan.”
“Interrested here dude.”
“I’m horny. Meet tayo.”
And so much more. When I can’t take it anymore, I answered one of the callers.
“Pre saan mo nakuha number ko?,” I asked the caller irritably.
“Sa bus. Sa likod ng upuan nakasulat number mo,” he replied.
“Ano? Sa bus? Putik, bakit nandiyan nakasulat number ko,” I absently-minded asked.
“Ewan ko. Sinulat mo?,” he replied.
“No, hindi ko Gawain ‘yan ano. Please favor naman pre, pwede pakibura,” I pleaded.
“Sige pero meet tayo,” he requested me.
“Ok, no prob,” I agreed.
I met the person, he was actually nice. Not my type pero at least we talked. He's a call center trainer. Nothing happened.
Siyempre, hindi natapos doon ang mga calls at messages. Someone told me sa CR daw ng MRT, sa wall daw sa university. Even a friend, called me that he actually saw my digits sa backseat ng bus. He erased it for me. So I guess it’s true.
I think someone whom I made gago with did it - to give me lesson. Lessons I had to learn the hard way. Well I learned to be nice na haha.
Siyempre I had my share of rejection too. I met someone near Makati. I arrived late due to traffic. When I saw him, may pagka twink so hindi ko ganun ka type pero straight acting pa din. Pero told myself ok na para parausan lol. He suddenly told me that may tao sa pad niya so hindi kami pwede doon. Some other time na lang daw. Alam ko naman kung ano ang rejection ano, kaya told him it’s ok at hindi na din ako interested. Haha. Pero in fairness may “k” naman siya kase gwapo naman niya talaga.
I think ganun lang ‘yun, sa buhay natin sometimes magrereject ka at marereject ka. Kaya don’t fret too much at h’wag isulat ang number ng ka eb sa public places kung nareject ka ano. It’s nothing personal, just a matter of preference. H’wag bitter lol.
The Curious Cat
P.S. The image is courtesy of http://opengardensblog.futuretext.com/archives/number.JPG
Monday, November 9, 2009
Funny no hang over when I woke up, I love that new drink I just recently discovered.
I arrived at the office by 7:36 am and decided to stay at the balcony. I’m not sure how long I stared into nothing but it was broken when on of my boss suddenly spoke to me (she doesn’t usually smile nor talk to me when we bump into each other on the hallway).
“H’wag ka mag-alala, mahal ka nun,” she told me grinning as she moves closer to me.
I just smiled back.
Funny, no one in the office knows that I’m on a relationship. No one knows that my heart has been broken. How come she said those words? Does it shows on my face? Is it written all over my face?
I guess I forgot to smile; everyone in the office compliments me that I always smile and makes their day better. I guess, there’s nothing to smile about, that’s why. I can’t fake it. They’ll know it’s not genuine.
Oh well, maybe I’m still in shock. The days to come will be difficult, at least for me.
BTW, thanks for the chat pre.
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://img.wallpaperstock.net:81/blue-tear-wallpapers_13598_1280x960.jpg
Sunday, November 8, 2009
I headed straight to the shower and while dressing up, I told my partner to get ready for we're going to the mall to spend the day away.
I held a taxi cab, while on our way, I received a text message. It was from my partner. I was puzzled why he'd sent me message where in fact he's just beside me. It says:
"slip p c beybi?
eat kana agad pag gcing u ha....
labyue so much beybi... grabe toxic nnmn aq at may klase n ulit bkas gwa p me lctre and d lyk..."
The message is not me for me. As clear as the cloudless sky.
My head grew heady, my body felt cold. No it's not because of the alcohol and spirits I took last night nor the hot weather.
I put the phone on my bag's pocket and went completely silent.
I might need more alcohol and a friend who'll stay with me who need not talk but just stay with me while I stare at nothing.
The Curious Cat
P.S. The image is courtesy of http://www.yogabreeze.com/message_in_a_bottle.jpg
Friday, November 6, 2009
Lately, I choose to work overtime even if it's against my will. Even if the work is due next month. So I won't have to go home early. This is the only way I know, at least when I get home, you're already asleep. We don't need to quarrel over stupid things. I don't get to say things I'll regret later, same with you. At least, I see you calm and deep in slumber. At least when I sleep next to you, I could hug you and sleep soundly. It's the only escape I could think of right now, working my ass off.
When will this end, I don't know. I know in time, I have to face you again. Not now though, not now. What I know now is I need this distraction to save whatever left of us. You see, I love you this much.
I wish for a better tomorrow for us. I don't want to give us up even at times I already like to.
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://hr.ucsb.edu/icons/work_life.jpg
Thursday, November 5, 2009
“Wala po e, bakit po ba?,” I asked him back.
“Gusto ko sana magbanyo,” he replied as he look away from me.
I am the eldest grandson on my mother’s side. It’s no secret that I had become the favorite among cousins. I am close to my mother’s parents, and her kuya. They adore me so much and I love them too. It was really nice to be the first born. It is, really.
I almost grew up on my grandparents’ house. My mom and dad were so young when they had me and got married so they don’t have enough money yet to buy their own house. Growing up with my grandparents make me feel more love and secure. Having two set of parents is the best experience there is plus an uncle for a kuya is more than I can ever wish for. Then one day, my parents were able to build our own home.
My Lola had a brain tumor. My Lolo had to bring her to Manila for operation. After the operation my Lola came back differently. She seemed not to recognize most of us at times. She would wake up at the middle of the night talking about the past. Mostly of happy memories, that was good so that she could escape the pain even for a moment. Sometimes I can’t help but cry when I see her in pain.
Then my brother Dino’s birthday came, we’re celebrating when a friend came to the party and told my tita that my grandmother already left us. We we’re all shocked. Then my tita became hysterical. It took me a while before the reality sunk in, that my beloved lola was already gone. I cried.
Days before my Lola left us, I came to visit her. She was peeling avocado, then cut it in pieces and handed it to me. She told me to dip it in sugar before eating it. I did what I was told, just like when I was small. She always prepares my food. I love her so much.
I was told that my lola have chosen to die on my brother Dino’s birthday because Dino was her favorite. I thought I was, but it was my brother after all.
After months of my lola’s death. The friend who came to my brother’s birthday came to my lola’s house again, this time to inform us that my mother’s kuya had an accident. That he was killed. Another death in the family, my Lolo took it so hard.
Kuya Dan* was well loved - by his family, friends and my dad. Kuya Dan was my dad’s best friend. It was he who introduced him to mom. I was close to him, he was my kuya.
Due to my Lola and kuya Dan’s death, old habits came hunting my back my Lolo. He would drink for days and he changed drastically. He wanted to remarry – a girl 2 or 3 years senior than me. His children disagreed so the marriage never materialized.
It was summer, semester break, my tita called my mom. She was crying. We were having our breakfast when mom told us to go to the hospital. Mom told us that lolo had a stroke and was taken to the hospital.
In the hospital, Lolo was in a poor state. It seemed that he aged so fast, thinner and weak. Since I had no classes, I was assigned to look for him. Like any grand child, I obliged to look after my Lolo. It was against my will (it was summer was supposed to relax and enjoy my vacation).
Since it was against my will to look for him, I didn’t cooperate that much. I would watch TV all day instead of taking care of him. When he needs to go I would put bed pan instead of assisting him to go to the bathroom even if he complains that it hurts his back so much. Then I would call the nurses to clean him instead of me doing it. I almost completely ignore his pleas and pains.
There was one time when my Lolo fell off the bed because he wanted to go to the bathroom. Maybe too tired of asking for my help to no avail, he wanted to do it by himself. I even scolded him.
You see, I was young then and it was not an excuse. Instead of helping him and making sure he feels comfortable I did otherwise. I was his favorite but what did I repay him? By making his life more miserable. So much more had happen during my stay there at the hospital. I was waiting for an opportunity to get away from that.
The opportunity came when my dad’s brother ask me to accompany him to climb a mountain. I agreed without even blinking an eye. I left Lolo the next day and join my uncle braving the bad weather to climb a mountain to escape the burden that was my Lolo.
It was a school day when my mom called me up.
“Hi Xtian, wala na si papa,” my mom informed me over the phone.
I was speechless for a moment there and my tears came flooding profusely. I don’t know what pains me more, my lolo’s death or the guilt that I was carrying from the moment I decided to take the climb instead of taking care of him.
I was in pain, full of guilt, longing and so sorry. The thing is, the day after I left the hospital, I wanted to go back and tell my lolo that I was sorry. But it was my pride that is at stake so I never did.
Now it’s too late. I can no longer take back what I’ve said and done in the hospital. I can no longer take care of him to pay for what I did to him. How ungrateful I was. I can never forgive myself. That no matter how I’ll explain to myself, wala, what I did was wrong.
I came back home to the province. On my way, I was holding back my tears, my emotions. Upon seeing my Lolo’s humble abode, I can no longer hold it. I let the tears fell and unleash all the emotions that I was holding up a while ago. I know that no matter how many tears I will shed or no matter how many times I’ll say sorry. My lolo can no longer see it, can no longer hear me. I can no longer feel his warm embrace like when I was little.
It was all too late.
Dreamscape and nightmares were all the same for me, hunting me. There were times that kuya Dan, lolo and lola would want me to join them. There were time when see my lolo in my dreams. Then I would always wake up in tears. Sobbing my guilt away hoping it would go away when I open my eyes but it did not.
“Anak, when I grow old don’t bother tending me ha. Ipadala mo na lang ako sa home for the aged,” my mom told me one fine day.
Then it starts to rain.
It was the last day of school. I will be graduating on top of our care giving class.
That night I dreamt. My lolo finally bid goodbye.
I woke up crying for the same dream for the last time in 9 years.
I called my mom up. It was against my dad and mom for me to enroll in a care giving class. Without them knowing, after office I would attend care giving class. I explained myself.
“Mom, today I graduated the care giving class. I know it was against you and dad for me to attend that but I had my reasons.
You see I was so guilty when papa died. I make it hard for him during his stay in the hospital. Then he died without me telling how sorry I was. I was thinking way back then that I would repay him after the school ends but he left us so soon. It has been hunting me since papa pass away.”
There’s no way for me to say sorry to him now. So to tell him how sorry I was; I enrolled in a care giving school. It was the last thing in my mind too but I brave myself and was able to finish it.”
Then he visit me last night, it was a dream but felt so real. He finally smiled and said goodbye.”
I guess tama lang ang ginawa ko. I think he finally forgave me. I finally had forgiven myself.”
That when you grow old, I would be able to take good care of you.”
The Curious Cat
*Not their real names to hide true identity.
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://gallery.photo.net/photo/5770033-lg.jpg