Friday, December 31, 2010

2011

Here I am again just like last year – trying hard to recall the moments that made me who I am today. It seemed that my mind refuse to cooperate. I can’t think very well. Memories elude me. It’s like thinking so many things all at once.

I know I’m on my lowest this year. I ended a very long relationship that started wrong but I’m glad it ended right. It’s been rough but I made it through gracefully.

A new love has flourish that help me get back on my feet and help me believe in myself again. It was a love that I hope to last very long. I felt the love and I’m so happy. I’m a work in progress but I’m trying hard to return whatever that is given to me. But one thing is for sure that I’m truly, deeply, madly in love with my partner.

This year I left the company that I stayed the longest. I joined another company that is the complete opposite of the former that left me exhausted everyday. I don’t know how long I am able to last but I’m still holding on.

I also sacrifice a lot this year. I do not know if my sacrifices are all worth it but I have to try. Whatever the outcome may be I’ll accept it even if I’ll fail, at least I tried.

I’ve gained a lot of friends this year. I am very thankful and grateful for that.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who follow, read and comment on my entries. I know that my entries were written not minding the forms and grammars but I hope the messages that I’d like to share find its way to you. I hope that somehow I inspired you and that you’ll learn something from it.

So before I end this entry, I’d like to greet all of you a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I am hoping for the best and may all we have a peaceful, safe and eventful 2011. I still wish you all happiness, contentment and love just like last year.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.maxgladwell.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/New-Year-in.jpg

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Holidays


Happy Holidays everyone. This is kind of late but I still want to greet all of you. I just got back from Bangkok. This was actually the first Christmas that our family spent abroad. It was a lot of fun. I almost maxed out my credit card and almost spent all of my savings. But it’s all worth it. Truly a memory I’ll cherish forever.

It’s been a very eventful year for me and thank you all for following and reading my entries.

Again, happy holidays to all of you and I hope that all our wishes will come true before the year ends.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://sdotblog.seattle.gov/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/happy-holidays1.jpg

Monday, December 13, 2010

Sometimes


I get afraid of being so happy at times because I might feel the complete opposite the next.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRDMU1_nVaQy4XG6z25TY2IY9Kjj62-xfglb2N1_CqNgkuUOcwVN-AT7Hsz

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Regularization



I should be happy. I should be leaping out of extreme joy. My efforts were not for naught after all.

But how come I can’t find any hint of happiness in my heart. As if I was expecting otherwise.

Contentment. Peace of mind. How come they’re very elusive? Intangible.

I guess I am changing. I guess I’m tired. I guess the problem is me. I really don’t know.

So I’ll just have to continue to work, as what my partner told me last night, “that’s work and at the end of the day, it puts food on your plate.” It’s hard to find job that pays me this well.

Mom also told me last night when I vent out my frustrations at work, “if you work for others, you have to work for him and stand by the institution he represents. The same kung ikaw may mga employees din.”

They’re right. And I know it, I just need someone to tell to validate my thoughts.

Well, congrats to me.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

Monday, November 22, 2010

Sorry


You told me you were hurt yet all I can do is to listen. I felt so helpless that I can do no more than that. How I wanted to go to that person and smack him right in front of you but we all know that adults don’t do that childish way anymore. For that I am sorry.

Though the lights inside my pad were all turned off, I can see clearly the expression painted in your beautiful face – hurt, betrayed, and helpless. The light from the post opposite my window provided enough light for me to see that.

You sat on the bed with your back on the wall, knees folded together pressed hard against your chest. You stared past the window as you retold what happened. I just let you talk your heart out so you could somehow release the burden you’ve been carrying around. I only respond when needed so not to interrupt you. After you relayed it all you look at me and I tried so hard to conceal the fact that I was hurt too. After all, it’s just a normal response because I love you and that’s the last thing I want you to feel.

Sorry if I can only offer is hug to let you know that you’re not alone.
Sorry if I can only kiss you hoping that you’ll be ok.
Sorry if I can only listen and can do nothing more.
Sorry if I can only smile for you now that you are hurting.
Sorry if I can only sit and stare into emptiness beside you.
Sorry if I can only hold your hand to know that I’ll be here for you.

For this is something you should overcome yourself. But no matter what I’ll be here waiting for you. I know you can overcome this like you always do and become stronger and a much better version of you.

Now don’t fret, everything will turned out ok. Eventually, every thing will. Come here let me hug you tighter this time.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://journal.media-culture.org.au/gfx/sorry-cover.jpg

Sunday, November 21, 2010

N96

Goodbye my friend.

You drowned without a fight. Taking with you all my contact numbers, text messages, photos and videos that I truly cherish.

You’ve been a good friend. Thanks for all the memories I kept with you – forever lost.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.allmobileworld.it/2009/05/06/nokia-n96-firmware-upgrade-20050/

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Rain

The first time I saw him cry put a wound deep within me. I never though fathers are capable of shedding a tear. Not in front of their child, anyway. Do I see weakness in him? Not sure. I listened intently as words flooded out from the silent man I grew up with. His whole body’s trembling as the tears continue to flow.

Finally he said, “Kapag namatay ako ‘wag mo ako ilibing katabi ng mama mo ha.”

I looked at him more keenly as I tried to absorb every letter in each word that made up the phrase he just told me. My mind seemed to refuse to understand and part of me wanted him to repeat what he just said but another part of me told me not to. It would only hurt me and eventually haunt me in days to come.

“Promise ha,” he added.

We were sitting on a wooden chair in the front porch that day. It was near dusk and crows began to fly back to the mountains to evade the setting sun. It’s was oh so quiet except for the irregular sobs my dad generated. I felt so insignificant and so small. Sitting beside my dad with his right arm around my shoulder, I felt helpless – powerless.

I only managed a nod in reply. But I know that my dad felt my answer weren’t sincere he hugged me tighter as if telling me it’s ok. He knew how hard must that be. After all, I am just a little child and my mind can’t comprehend what was happening at that time.

Later that night I heard sobbing outside my window. So I opened the window a little to peek as to who’s making the sound. I saw my mom, her back in front of me with her face on her palms rested on her knees.

“Mom?,” I asked. My heart skipped a beat. The scene before my eyes impaired me intensely it’s hard to breath.

She must not have heard me as she continued to cry.

I went outside to check on her and probably asked her why she’s crying.

“”Nak dito ka lang ha, iwan ka sa dad mo. Bantayan mo siya. Kawawa naman siya kung wala maiiwan sa kanya. Isasama ko kapatid mo,” my mom pleaded.

“Ayoko, sama ako,” was my initial reaction. I don’t know where they’re going but all I know was that I have to go with them. How could she leave me here? I asked myself.

My mom continued as she led me inside the house. I don’t know why they had to leave. I don’t know why dad had to stay. I don’t know many things. After all, I am just a little child and my mind can’t comprehend what was happening that time.

Then she packed our things, went to my mother’s parents taking me and my brother with her.

I knew deep within my heart that no amount of effort will make things as they used to be. It will never be the same again. My little brain told me and my little heart agreed.

Then they got back together.

After so many years, I was disturbed by a late night call. It was my sister-in-law. She was crying on the other line. I can barely make up what she’s trying to say but I already understood.

After all, I am no longer a child. My mind can already comprehend what’s happening. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.

My parents separated and this time I think it’s for good.

My younger self was right. Life was never the same again. Our family was never the same after the first break-up. I may not have understood it before but I remembered it all too well.

Though it hurts me to recall all these things and how our family turned out this way but deep within my heart I knew that it was best this way. Ending up like this somehow ebbed out the pain they caused each other – the pain it caused us all.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://blogs.wvgazette.com/johnmccoy/files/2009/11/rain.jpg

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Stillness

There he goes again. I always find him staring blankly like that. I wonder what he’s thinking about or if he’s even thinking about something. Not blinking an eye for so long. He looks so calm every time. Is it inner peace? Perhaps. If something’s bothering him, clearly it doesn’t show. There he goes again, still.

He’s sitting at the bed’s corner opposite the head rest, his back forming a ‘C’ as he slouch. With both his arms on his sides, leaving creases on the bed sheet. With the laptop in front of him he continue to stare, but not on the screen. Beyond. For how long he’s going to sit there, I still have no idea.

I wonder what befall but I can’t help myself looking at him. His messy hair needs combing. Even a trim will be of great help to tame his shaggy and uneven mane. Looking at his face, I’ve notice that fine lines start to show on the side and under his eyes. Laugh lines are very evident, he must have laugh a lot. His choppy lips need moisture, seriously. I can’t help grinning upon looking at his uneven moustache that he’s trying to grow to make him look a little mature. I must admit, all in all he’s not a bad looking fellow despite of all the flaws I just pointed out.

Then he blinks. Shake his head and apparently take notice of me. Is that a smile I see? I guess. I’m relieved. Seeing him like that he must have thought I think of him as loony while he freezes up. He’s ok after all. I’m glad I didn’t disturb him while he does that. There’s always this urgency in me to come near him and break whatever state he’s in. I think we all need to have that from time to time – all the time in the world for ourselves to stop everything. Then he blinks again and I know everything will turn out right.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image Courtesy of http://stacyjulian.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/stillness.jpg

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Scarcity

When I was little I wish that I’d never grow old. Maybe I would be able to play the toys my parents couldn’t afford if I wait a little longer and won’t grow an inch taller. Maybe they could afford a car instead of us 4 riding on a bike as we visit my grandparents. Maybe, just maybe, I my parents could afford to celebrate my birthday in the class just like every single one of my classmates. Maybe they could afford to buy new uniforms instead of us using hand-me-downs. I still recall how badly I wished for that to happen.

Eventually I grew taller. My dad would have us stand with the wall on our backs and measure how tall we’ve grown since the last month. We still couldn’t afford the toys. We still use the same old bike. We still can’t afford to celebrate my birthday in class. And I’m still using hand-me-downs. I wonder why I still grow taller wherein I wish I won’t.

I would not buy food during recess so I could save my baon and would be able to buy the toys we couldn’t afford. Sometimes I would walk for miles from school to our house so I could save it for a new pair of shoes. But no matter how I saved it I still couldn’t afford the stuff that my classmates had.

I envied them. How cool their toys were. How fancy the clothes that hugged them. I could even tell how tasty their baons were when I smelled of them when they happen to passed me by. But time has its own way of making me understand that there’s no way I could ever enjoy what my classmates were enjoying that time. Nasanay na ako, or so I thought.

Then one night, we received a package from dad when he was assigned in Manila. The package was huge and was so heavy. My mom opened it and to our delight, a family computer was safely tucked inside. I was so happy back then. After months and months of staring my neighbor played their family computer I could finally play our own. I remembered how my brother and I were jumping out of joy. That night I finally felt that my wish had been finally granted.

When I was in collage and was granted a scholarship and a stipend that comes with it, I would buy toys and put it in a glass-door cabinet as my collection for everyone to see. I would not play with them. I just take a look at them as a reminder that sometimes you just have to be patient to get what you want. Sometimes work even harder just to get it.

Now I’m quite earning enough and eventually grow tall and obviously not a child anymore. I would still visit toy stores and just stare at the toys inside. Sometimes I would buy some to give it to my younger siblings even if they no longer need it. I realized that it’s me that I’m trying to satisfy more that anyone else.

I would now visit fancy restaurants just to experience what it’s like. Take pleasure in every minute detail of what it can offer my senses.

The child still lurking inside of me craves for that and sometimes I gave in. Sometimes, excess is better than not having what you needed, it would tell me.

Having a childhood like that drives me to try even harder. I may not be rich but I’m living comfortably as of the moment. I’m still working hard to keep the comfort that I’m enjoying now though. You see I’ve been working since 2003 and it is only now that I am able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. It may have taken me that long but I got here after all. My childhood experience would stay as a reminder for me to work hard so I could continue to take pleasure in what I have right now.

I no longer wish not to grow old. Instead, I’d like to wish for the day that I no longer have to work to enjoy the best of what life has to offer.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_122/11716489105Jz0t8.jpg

Monday, October 25, 2010

Betamax

One summer vacation (when we were little), our parents went to some faraway place and won’t be back in three days. The house was completely in our care. Being the kuya I would do the cooking, laundry and house cleaning while my little brother would get the sinampay from the sampayan, wash the dishes and sweep the floor. Then we would either watch tv or play all day.

On the third day, we got so bored that we decided to get our parents’ porn tape and watch it while they’re still away. We set the betamax player and rewinds the tape with our dad’s do-it-yourself wooden tape rewinder.

I pressed the play button and everything went well at first. I remember it all too clearly how our eyes were glued on the tv screen as we see the couple doing there thing to our delight.

Suddenly the pumping stopped and the scene went completely frozen. The player seemed not to be functioning as expected. So I asked my brother to check it out but he declined, “’Yoko nga, ‘kaw na ang tumingin nyan. It was your idea after all.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Fuming with anger, I checked the betamax player myself. I pressed the stop button then the eject button but nothing happened. “Oh Lord,” I told myself. I started to panicked and I didn’t know what to do.

The cartridge was completely stuck inside the player.

“I-open ba natin?,” I asked my brother.

“Hala ka kuya, sinira mo ‘yang betamax. Pauwi na sila mama papaluin ka nyan pagnalaman ‘yan,” my little brother was scarring me and I couldn’t believe it. How he could do this to me. “Bold pa pinanood mo,” he added.

“Gago ka pala eh, nanood ka din naman ah. Nagustuhan mo naman pinapanood ah,” I shouted. I didn’t know what to do first. I have no idea how to fix it.

Then my brother left me and went outside.

“How could he leave me there by myself,” I ask myself. That bastard, “Makuha ko lang ‘tong tape patay ka sa akin pagna-abutan kita,” I shouted hoping he could hear me.

Then I went to the kitchen and looked for a knife that would fit the screw. I unplugged the tv and the betamax player from the power cord and opened the player so I could take the tape out. It was caught between some tiny things inside the player so I carefully remove it by hand. Then screwed the player back and rewind the tape.

I have no idea how I am able to act so quickly that time but I was panicking so I guess my instincts made me do it.

After a few moments, my brother went back with a couple of screw drivers he borrowed from our neighbors. He handed the drivers to me and I smacked his head with it and told him everything has been taken care of.

Then we laugh. We were laughing on my behalf. Thanks for panicking. I was so scared that my parents would find us out watching porn. I was sweating profusely.

From that day on, I told myself not to watch porn with my brother anymore. Ever. And I live happily ever after.
Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.damienriley.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/photo_vcr_betamax.jpg

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Dream


I just want to follow my dream but no matter what I do, I always fell short.

I was very ambitious and would always find my way to get what I wanted – in school.

But when you step out from that microcosm where everything seemed so easy, in reality the real world thinks like a drunkard. It never really cares. You have to find your own way to survive.

Dreams crumble before my eyes. And it bleeds me to death if it only could.

Cried a thousand buckets but tears still flow profusely like the first time. It still hurts me.

From time to time, I’d still looked at my old files. Thinking how hard I tried but never succeeded. I thought I was good. I used to believe in myself. That’s the reason why I flew in here in the first place – to chase my dreams but to no avail.

That maybe the reason by I always moved from one company to another – from job to job. Because it would never make me happy no matter what how hard I try. My heart always belongs to that dream.

Then I turned 27, 11 companies, and yet my dream is still out of reach.

When will I ever learn? I ask myself.

So now my dream is taking a backseat. I’m now taking my new job (on my 12th company after 3 years from my previous and the longest I’d stayed) seriously because I’d like to save and earn enough so I could chase my dream again.

You might ask, why still chase it when you’re earning enough to satisfy you’re every whim?

What if you’d still fail?

I don’t really know why but if I give up life would be meaningless for me then.

I just wanted to feel how it's like to finally fulfill you're dream even if it's just one time.

Oh boy, just want to share. Don’t mind me really. It’s just lonely here that’s why I’m melancholic right now.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qan_l-t2BGc/StkxJEVjsLI/AAAAAAAAAec/KRuJfJVNuu0/s1600-h/Migrate_in_Dream_by_liquidkid1.jpg

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Villain

Yes guys... You are reading and following a bad person...

"kakalimutan kita ***...dahil sobra hurt dinanas ko syo.."

"so isang request....dont text me na ha at burahin mo na no ko sa cell mo....dahil paano kita mkakalimutan kng one day magtxt ka.."

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://www.liquidmatrix.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/villain.jpg

Monday, August 30, 2010

Ex


It took me a while to finally admit that I no longer feel the same for you.
It took me a while to finally admit that I’m holding on for the wrong reason.
It took me a while to finally admit that I’m blinded by the idea of us.
It took me a while to finally admit that I can’t lose you because you where never mine to begin with.
It took me a while to finally admit that I can’t fight for something that no longer exists.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to let you go and bid goodbye to you.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to leave you and stand up for myself.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to accept we’re thru so I can finally move on.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to love you no longer and start to love myself again.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to move out and start building a home with my new love.

******

Goodbyes were never my cup of coffee
It’s inevitable and when things end
One had to utter the word
Most of the time a whisper will do
Most often it’s I who received it
But this time around
It’s my time to say it to you
Goodbye and live well for your sake


Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.mseddesign.com/templates/default/elements/X.png

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Notebook



It’s heavier than I though. Slowly building up and stinging ‘til I can no longer take it. I blinked. Then a drop fell from my eye. I stiffened because people might see it. Then I remember I was wearing my Wayfarer. So I let a river pour down from my eyes. It’s heavy still and my heart began to pound harder as I sob.

Earlier, I was browsing through my drawer and carefully checking the documents I collected since 2003 – the first time I set my foot in the Metro. From receipts to withdrawal slips and from curriculum vitae’s to contracts, they were all there. Stack and stack of papers collecting dust from the years of abandonment.

Memories from a not so distant past came flooding. Refreshing me from what took place from before, each of them gives me a recollection. It’s like an old film has been playing inside my head only I can see myself playing the lead role.

I tried to remember the places I went to and the people I’m with. The smell of the coffee and the taste of the food. The conversation I had and the feelings involved in the encounter. It was such a nice feeling. How far have I gone – from being that thin who wants to make it big in the urban jungle to this corporate slave who learned to fall in and fell out of love. I realized how well I remember them all considering the fact that memorization bores me to the core.

Then I saw the notebook. I pick it up, removed the dust and sat down by the bed’s edge. I slowly opened the last page browsed it backwards. I stopped when I encountered the first entry I had about someone whom I’d loved:

“Kala mo siguro hindi ako nasasaktan
Pero ang totoo unting-unti gumuguho ang mundo ko.
Mahal kita, mahal mo ako pero mas mahal mo siya.
Hinayaan kita kase gusto ko lang na lumigaya ka.
Sa bawat nakaw nating mga sandali ay ang mga
Panahon(g) ako ay parang dinuduyan at inaangat sa langit
Gusto ko na iyon ay di na matatapos pero
Lahat ay may katapusan @ kailangan mo nang
Bumalik sa kanyang mga kamay @ damhin ang
Init ng inyong katawan sa higpit ng inyong mga yakap.”

I gazed upon my handwriting. The tiny penmanship was made possible by a 0.1 G-Tech pen. It was my favorite pen, which I usually used in drawing and sometimes, in writing my journal.

It was a 9 paragraphed entry I had on that notebook. I had written the date on the topmost part of the page. I wrote 4/11/2005 so I’ll remember in case I’ll come across it again – which I did today.

You see it was wrong from the start. I had no idea that it will come to that. Me being the third party was not on my “to do” list before I die. I had no idea at first. Then when I already fell hard, it was all revealed to me. He was going to use me as a temporary replacement because his current partner was going to work. And will eventually leave me hanging when his partner comes back.

I was naïve and careless. Letting myself be fooled by the person I thought who loved me back.

I browsed through the notebook again – paragraphs upon paragraphs of how I felt that time. Each entry was full of love, full of pain yet full of hope. Then I came across the page where reality slapped me hard like a brick fallen flat at my face from the heaven to wake me up from dreaming.

I remember all so clearly why I had written those words that woke me up from the delirium. These were the words I received that night:

- I want you to entertain suitors & have someone else aside (from) me.
- So that if I won’t be there, you(‘ll) have someone to share time with
- Eventually you(‘ll) find (out) that you love the other person and won’t be hurt when we broke up
- If *** came back soon then it would be impossible for me to communicate nor see you
- I am concern with you
- Kung ayaw mo o cge bahala ka
- ‘Wag mo lang ako sisisihin
- Kase ang pinakaayoko ay yung kinukunsensya ako
- 1/8 lang yan sa lungkot na mararamdaman mo
- Kase nag-usap na kami na in case mawala man mga magulang nya ay kami na dalawa ang bubuhay sa kapatid at anak nya.

I closed the notebook after reading that entry. My heart grew heavier but I did not entertain the thought. After all, it happened more than 5 years ago. So I continued on browsing the other documents. Taking the ones that I still need and leaving the rest inside the drawer.

It was almost 9am so I prepared myself for work.

Inside the bus, the notes I’ve read earlier linger in my head – waking up dead emotions that I tried so hard to forget. Now, inside the bus the pain came back. Hit me so hard which left me exhausted.

It’s heavier than I though. Slowly building up and stinging ‘til I can no longer take it. I blinked. Then a drop fell from my eye. I stiffened because people might see it. Then I remember I was wearing my Wayfarer. So I let a river pour down from my eyes. It’s heavy still and my heart began to pound harder as I sob.

I close my eyes and I say a little prayer. Then I realized that it not about the pain why I cried. It was about the love I gave and was thrown away. It was not wasted though because I learned a valuable lesson in the process.

I watchfully wiped away the tears and I stood up – making my way out of the bus and head straight to the office. The drama is long over. Now I am happy with the person that I believe loves me back truthfully and wholeheartedly.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9Um6_5nIHEI/TDHstZgF6qI/AAAAAAAAD8M/lCJQJI3-oSU/s1600/notebook.jpg

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Recognition



I gazed upon the heavens, wandering; my thoughts lead me to the stars that glitter and sparkle upon the black canvass that is the heaven. It seemed that these stars are playing hide and seek right before my eyes inviting me to join them. But I’m not in a mood to play; it’s beyond me right now. I did not respond, instead I continue to stare showing no emotion but something boils deep inside me. They don’t know how lonely I am that night. The heavens must have known I thought, but seeing those stars doing things they are good at, I re-think. Heaven must not know what I truly feel so I lower my head.

With a backpack carefully embracing me from behind I continue to stand there. Waiting. Nothing. Busses come and go that would lead me to me once happy home, passes me by slowly. Opening their doors and warmly greeting me to come in. Tempting but I’m not in a mood for some strangers’ hospitality. They’re not what I look for. I already found my home yet out of reach. I could stand there for eternity I thought, but seeing how late it is already, sooner I have to leave and go home. I laugh, I don’t even know how to call it anymore, and home is no longer an appropriate description.

A drop of water hit my hand (holding my phone). Am I crying? Is it my tear? Why it is cold. Then another drop into my other hand and another follows and soon loads of water drop from all over me. I gazed upon the heaven again, the stars no longer visible. The glitters and sparkles that once were there are gone. Stars no longer play. Rain clouds overshadowed their natural brilliance. It started to rain. I pulled my umbrella from my backpack and covered my self from the million tears the heaven shed for me.

I re-think, again. The heavens did know what I felt. I stand corrected. They are just trying to cheer me up. They even cry for me so I won’t shed a tear.

With that in mind I entered the first bus which opens up its door for me. Welcoming me and leading me to where I need to go – to rest my restless soul.

Then everything stopped. The mirror cracked in front of me. The impact was so strong it woke me up from my trance (can you still call it daydreaming even if it’s still dark, I ask myself and as usual no answer came). The bus hit another bus in front of us. I stayed while the others (passengers) went out and look for another bus to lead them to their destinations. I stayed and I am so still. Everything seemed to move but me.

Finally we (remaining inside) were asked to exit the bus. As I entered another bus I inhaled so deep and when I exhaled, gone with it are my worries and loneliness. I finally recognized (if not fully accepted) that there are things that you can’t control no matter how you want it the other way around. Sometimes you have to go with the flow and let things be as they are. That sometimes you have to wait to get there - to where you are suppose to go. That all difficulties and hardships you are going through are the necessities you have to undergo to arm you for the things to come. I sat down on the nearest empty chair and smiled.

The rain had stopped, the stars played again and I am home – drowned into your voice telling me everything will be ok.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.pmpnonline.com/Realization_of_Anima.jpg

Friday, August 6, 2010

1


It’s been a year since I started this space. All I want is to let all out what I hid from world where I belong. With the fear of not being accepted as normal, this blog has been my breathing space – my refuge. No pretence, no fabrication, no make belief. Not fearing of what people might think because to them I only exist within these four corners in cyberspace. What a year so far.


Sometimes things happen right in front of you without you even realizing it. It may take minutes, hours or even months before you become conscious of it. At times, you may not even recognize it at all. Sometimes even if we do see it, there are things we can’t change and the best we can do is to accept it.


When I started this blog, I only intend to share about the past struggles and adventures I’ve been through on my way of accepting myself – that I might be tagged on the category that falls in between the normal orientation the world accepts. Like what I’ve said earlier, things happen. My world starts to fall apart right before my eyes and there’s nothing more I could do but to raise a flag in surrender. This blog turned into my therapy – to cope up and save my sanity.


It was not my intention to bring another drama to the already soap-opera-like filled blogosphere. Nor my intention to gain audiences by ranting about how hard and sad life has become for me. I guess misery attracts people. I’m glad that a lot reached out to offer pieces of advice. I truly appreciate the efforts given to me.


If it weren’t for the readers’ feedbacks and sentiments I might not able to gain my sanity back. I was able to move on and forward. It was hard but I was able to made it.


I’d just like to thank all of you. Another year has come by and still I’m here. I might not able to update on a regular basis but from to time I will. That’s for sure.


Well, Happy First Anniversary to my blog.


Xoxo


The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.vmguru.nl/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/anniversary_1.jpg

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Sunday


I was reading a book I borrowed from you.
You were browsing the internet using my Mac.
My left hand on the book while the other on your left leg.
Your right hand on the keyboard while the other embracing me.
T'was raining outside and we're just killing time.
Exchanging glances and smiles while mouthing words only us understood.
I felt secured, at peace, and loved and I know you are too.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.freewebs.com/itemsforless/31730%20ALAB%20GARDEN%20LOVER%20FROGS%20BENCH.jpg

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Moments


How many times someone took your breath away? Suddenly you forget to breath. Savoring the moment before it'll pass as you exhale.

How many time you lost for words? Words fail you, because something so beautiful just happened right before your eyes. Speechless you become.

How many times your heart pumps so hard? You'd be so afraid it'll jump right out your chest. Being so excited to have someone so special coming for you.

How many times you wish a day won't end at all? It's not perfect but so close to being one. You'll hold onto it so long as you can.

How many times you can't sleep at night? Just by thinking of someone and/or relieving something so dear. Your heart and mind seemed to agree at last.

How many times you caught yourself smiling alone? Feeling so good thinking about someone. Knowing you love and loved in return.

How many times? Countless. And it's all because of you.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://aliceverheij.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/counting.jpg

Friday, July 2, 2010

Newbie


I woke up with a heavy heart. I felt like a newbie. Not quite really. More of lost. You see I'm new, not new new. But I transferred. Suddenly everything's different. Same but not really. Different faces, different spaces. Bubbles burst openly and suddenly I felt fragile. Blood pumps harder, faster every time. Tried to calm down, impossible. Then I closed my eyes and called up for your help. You took it all out. I suddenly felt light. Good. I'll do my part well, I promised. One day at a time. One task at a time. A second passed turned into minutes. Hopefully time pass and I gain more. Wisdom that is. I slept calmly.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.getoutdoors.com/goblog/uploads/newbie.png

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Blanket


it's late but why I feel that the night is still young, starless sky brings unusual comfort, cold wind passes me that warms my soul, abnormal it may seem but I perfectly feel normal, extraordinaire even, it must be your smile, it must be your kiss, it must be you, I know because I wanted to, so much that I could not think of any better reason than you, happiness is written all over my face, i need no mirror to check my reflection, nor someone to tell me so, any time now, I'll be on my way home but there in your heart is where I truly belong, you see we may not see each other that often, but here in my heart is where I keep you, hush now, I'll be sleeping soon and dream of you, of us, good night for now, tomorrow's another day, I'll always be here for you like you are always there for me

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.candedesigns.com/candedesigns/files/2_5_21_19__available_april_15th_microfiber_baby_blanket_pink.jpg

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Tune


I copied one of your favorite song.
I listened then I smiled.
Then it was high school again.
4th year to be exact.
I was sitting next to a diva.
"You ask how my day was."

I remembered it was Physics my favorite subject.
I was the teacher's fave.
98 all throughout.
They envied me, i used to like it.
Used to.
"You're the best listener that I've ever met."

I never let anyone copy my answers.
They hated me for that, even my friends.
Guess they already used to me being like that.
They accepted me and loved me being just like that.
Like that.
"What took you so long."

Then the song ended.
I'm back to where I am now.
Here right beside you.
Then you looked at me and I melted.
Melted.
"Thanks for your patience."

You asked if I'm ok.
I said never been better.
Then you smiled.
I smiled back.
Satisfied.
"Head over feet."

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://pbskids.org/arthur/games/songbook/images/song_intro.gif

Monday, June 28, 2010

Alms


I walk pass by you.
no, i pretend not seeing you.
yes, I saw you extend your hands and told me you're hungry.
I'm in a hurry you know.
already late.
I didn't look back.
I say a prayer thanking God for the blessings he showered upon me.
I ask for the man's well being.
I almost look back.
Almost.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://hrocboston.org/assets/images/givinghands.jpg

Monday, June 21, 2010

Stick


It’s a lazy day and my mind’s wandering about. Back on bed, legs stretch outward. It’s a hot day and I’m still sleepy. Free hands start to crawl. Right hand finds its way inside my shorts. There you go, resting silently old friend. It’s been a while and I miss you so. Fingers start to play slowly patting in circles. Playing hard to get eh. Caressing slowly without choking. After all, I’m not in the mood for bondage. Wakey wakey old friend. Sending messages telepathically. Gleefully it finally responded. I want it up and I want it down and oh so gently. Closes my eyes and think of you. Imagination is a friend for keeps. Temperature starts to rise. Left hand starts to pull the shorts down. Exposing the old friend, it finally breathes freely. I think of you “Wanna take a ride on my disco stick?” Up it goes and down again. Breathe in and out. It’s getting warmer and hotter. Almost there and friend you were smiling. It’s hard, exposing its veins. I moan silently who might not hear of it. Let it go and there it goes. You vomit a lot. I like it. I’m exhausted. Can I sleep now? Thanks my old friend. I can always count on you in times like this. I close my eyes and dream of you. See you later.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image is courtesy of http://etc.usf.edu/clipart/48800/48847/48847_b001_stick_md.gif

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Daddy


Happy father's day dad, even if you no longer want me part of your life... I wish you well...

Oh I still love you dad, despite it all... i forgive you, sadly I won't forget, I just can't...

Not for now, at least...

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.betterphoto.com/uploads/processed/0805/0801300642011dsc04816edit_1_.jpg

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Stolen


“Sa’an ka? Kita tayo,” a text from my bestfriend while walking towards the church.

“Eto papunta ng church, its a Wednesday dba? Teka dba you were suppose to be in HK. D ka natuloy?,” I asked back, almost near the church.

“Naiwan ako ng plane, kwento ko sayo pagnagkita na tayo,” he texted back.

“Ok hehe, kaw talaga. Dito mo na lang ako puntahan?,” I suggested.

“Sige pero sa office ng church tayo kita. Almost there na ako,” it was already almost 8:30 pm.

”Oki doki, sa may right side lang ako ng church, will pray then puntahan kita,” I replied, I tucked my phone in my pocket then I began to pray.

After the rosary I checked my phone and no text from bestfriend. So I texted him instead, “Tapos na ako mag pray, san ka na?”

No reply, it’s been almost 30 minutes so I went to the church’s office right away. No sign of him. I tried calling and yet no response on his line. I began to get worried.

While trying to call for the nth time, I saw him inside the office. He was sweating profusely – like “basing sisiw, literally” tsk tsk tsk.

I approached him while his mind wandering somewhere else.

“Grabe Xtian, nadukutan ako. Malas talaga araw na ‘to,” I felt responsible because I was the one he’s been texting a while ago, the culprit might saw him texting me, “I don’t really care about my SIM but I need the phone. All the info I need for HK and Korea were all there. Tara samahan mo ako sa police station,” he was talking so fast that there’s no time for me to respond. He’s furious, scary. I know how upset he gets and things he might do when in that state.

We asked the guard where’s the nearest police station and we were told to ride a “padyak” going UNIoil.

There, on the padyak, he told me what happened. He was inside the bus, duffle bag in front while he was making his way out the bus. There was this guy in the middle of the way blocking him. It took him a while to make his way out the bus. Then someone told him to check his phone, he did but it was already gone. What’s left of it was the cord hanging by attached to his pants.

The man was nowhere to be seen. His phone, for 3 years, poof, just like that, out of thin air, was gone.

”Hindi ko pa alam number ni yobo* ko,” he told me feebly.

”Alam mo pa ba email niya? ‘Yung gamit niya sa facebook? We could go online and I can leave a message informing him what happened,” I suggested.

“Sige ganun na lang,” he replied while the “padyak” came to a halt.

”’Yun yung police station oh,” mamang driver pointed out the location of the police station.

I handed mamang driver our fare then we proceed to the station.

The police men were all there, they were eating dinner. It was already 9pm. My best friend approached one and told him that we were filing a report about phone being stolen. He informed us to sit while he’ll call for an office to assist us.

A minute past, then two then 10 minutes, not one police men approached us. My temper starts to heat up but upon gazing at best, he seemed determined to report the case so I calmed myself down.

Finally after (probably) 15 minutes past, an officer came.

”Ano ‘to,” the officer asked his fellow police men who were still enjoying the fishy-thing meal with “sabaw” and malungay.

”Magfifile ng ng report daw ‘yan, kanina pa ‘yan,” one shouted back.

”Kanina lang pala ‘to wala man lang nagassist,” he barked back. Eyes began to roll but I hid it, best might saw it.

Then best and the officer were talking. Best relayed what transpire. I was texting my partner about what happened to best. After a few minutes he called. I told him what happened. He was worried, I could tell from his voice. I asked if he could go online and do me some favor. I instructed him what to do and thanked him - sweet of him, very thoughtful.

After the complaint had been filed, I hailed a cab and we went to Crossing.

My phone rang, my partner on the other line told me that he already did what I requested. I thanked him again. I truly appreciate his effort, best asked me to thank him again for him.

Finally we settled at Chowking since best was so hungry already. We were eating while he informed me about what happened at the airport, about his current partner, about life, about lessons it offered.

After getting his partner’s number, I handed him my phone so they could talk.

I noticed that my best face kind of cleared up upon hearing his partner’s voice. Atleast, he’s sort of ok already. Regardless that his day ended so bad, just listening to his partner’s voice seemed to washed away all of it.

Best told me he’s going to be ok and he won’t keep me long because I still have work the next day.

On my way home, I texted my partner informing him that I’m going home already.

While watching the night away, I realized that in times like this, friends do play a vital role. Come to think of it, my best could do it all without my help, but by just being there, telling him that I’ll be there for him all throughout make things (for him) seem easier to bear. Knowing that there is someone whose willing to hold your hand when you’re troubled makes you feels secured – safe.

Having a partner, regardless of the distance, whose always going to be there for you makes things even bearable. Because you know at the end of the day he’s going to stand up for you and welcome you no matter what.

Best’s yobo texted me the next day. Thanking me.

And of course, whether we admit it or not, some policemen are fond of procrastinating things. Panis na ang case and yet they still don’t act. When they finally do, there’s nothing they can do (about it) because ang tagal na nun eh. Sabi pa nga ng officer na kausap ni best, “Wala na din ‘yun.” Yes true enough - thanks for consoling my bestfriend, it helps a lot.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.letsgodigital.org/images/artikelen/109/nokia_n95_zoom.jpg
*Yobo means sweetheart in Korean dialect.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sattelites


At last we see the same sun staring back (at us)
Wandering forever at lost not one bit
A tick tock hanging by the second (passes swiftly)
Wall silently bore witness ceaselessly quite
Again but no replay different altogether
Whispers from coast to coast all so loudly


At last the moon shines oh so brightly
Widening horizon a step at a time
A hand holding hand that warms the night
Wry as it may seem when not one search
A meeting (where) the universe conspires
Wonder what befell (reasons) no longer matter


At last the stars sparkle mirror the devoted eyes
Waking up no more fantasies fogging thoughts
Abound with fresh memories dewy day
Walking side by side
A glimpse of things to come
Wheels turning another chapter (again)
A journey has begun (communication continues)


Xoxo


The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://members.cox.net/wmckinney1/wallpapr/saturn_family.jpg

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Absence

There were a lot of times when I am about to give up. Just to stop and stare and don’t care. Just to let the moment pass by and letting myself get numb and act as if I’m not affected. However, some parts of me want to fight back and care. Swallowed my fears and head on, regardless of the outcome, what’s important is I try.

I’ve been very occupied lately with so much stuff that I don’t have enough time to sit and write something here in cyberspace. Been juggling creating turnover documents, rush client needs and requests and requirements for my company. It’s prettily exhausting but I try my best to finish a lot of things in a little time. My body’s complaining but as much as I want to leave things be I can’t because my future is at stake.

Good thing is that I’m inspired haha. I forget everything whenever I get the chance to see the inspiration.

Three weeks before this night I was able to finished the entire turnover documents from my previous company including all requirements that I have to finish before they can finally let go of me. Well up to now, there is still no news when they’re going to give me my 2316 and COE (Certificate of Employment). Funny though, they’ve been rushing me to finish all those documents and when I finally did, when I try to ask for COE and 2316 and clearance forms there’s no reply from them.

Anyway, I already started from my company. At first my body find it hard to adjust. Super antok ako the first two weeks. I don’t really drink coffee but for two weeks I’ve been drinking it like water. There were even instances when I had to mix 3 shots of espresso and 1 cup of three-in-one coffee just to wake myself up.

Finally, this week I was able to adjust. I hope so haha.

I’ve been sad since Monday up to Tuesday of this week. I really don’t know why. It was Tuesday when I finally face and assess myself. About what I really want and how to achieve it. I was running then with headphones on my head listening to some dance tunes. I was sweating profusely and then tears starts to flow uncontrollably. Luckily I was sweating else people will notice. After 40 minutes or so I stopped running and tears stopped flowing while my sweat drains away my sadness.

Then I went outside a church and pray. I prayed and gave all my worries to God and let His will be done and as long as I am doing my part without hurting anyone I think I’ll be ok.
So when I finally went back to the office the next day. I am no longer sad. In fact my boss noticed and teased me. Thinking I was inspired, well partly it’s true hehe.

It’s still early to tell but I think I’m going to love this new job and I hope it will stay that way regardless of the trials that will come my way in the future.

Anyway, that’s it for me now. That’s the summary of days where I am not able to update my blog. Sana lang, ibigay na ang clearance, COE at 2316 ko. Please lang.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.learningradiology.com/images/giimages1/gigallerypages/Cong%20Absence%20Diaphragm1.jpg

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Palm


Nahinumduman nko ba katong hapit na gani ko matapos sa elementary na ako na lang diay ang ‘wa pa ka lolo sa amoang batch. Tanan nabuhat na nila. Sa tinuod ra wala man gud ko’y nahibal-an sa mga ana nga butang. Abi nako ang lolo kay iyot, kundi diay magdula man diay sa imo patotoy gamit sa kamot hantod magawasan ka hahahaha.


Usa ka adlaw nagdula mi sa akoa mga amigo ba og alutanay tapos naay niduol sa amoa na silingan mga kaedara ra gud pud namo na nasakpan daw ang amoa duha ka amigo na lalaki na naglolo sa ilalum sa lamesa. Nakuratan man ko kay abi man nko dati na ang lolo kay iyot dili man diay. Unya duha gud to sila ka laki so d dyud pwede na mag-iyot sila. Oo ‘wa pud ko kamao na pwede diay mag iyot ang duha ka laki hahahaha. Unsa pa, late ra dyud ko pirmi ani.


Tapos usa pa pud ka adlaw ba, ulian naman ‘to tapos uso man ang mangaon og binignit pagkahuman sa klase. Tua mi nagtambay mga lalaki nko nga ka eskwela sa payag na gabaligya og binignit. Ginasungog nila akoa usa ka klasmate na sige daw og lolo, tapos kantsawanay ba. Didto na nko nahibal-an kung unsa ang lolo.


Paghuman namo og elementary sa akoa mi lola namuyo sa akoang manghud kay para makalaag og dula pirmi. Didto na nako gitistingan mag lolo. Tsamba pa dyud na ginabuhat ang silong sa balay so wala tawo ngadto so. Akoa dyud gisiguro na walay tawo makakita hahahaha.


Nilingkod ko sa likod sa pader sa may bintana para makit-an nko dayon kung naay muagi ba. Human akoa na gibaba akoa short hantod sa paa, tapos akoa na gidula dulaan akoang patotoy. Human taas baba, taas baba. Naunsa man kay nidako man, mitindog og hasta na mang gahi-a ani. Human lami man diay, giganahan man ko sa akoang gibati. Init akoa paminaw ba na gikan gyud sa akoang sulod sa lawas. Mao na akoa gipas-pasan. Lami gyud kaayo makapiyong piyong pa gyud ko sa kalami sa akoa nabatyagan. Kalami na man ani uy, akoa pa gyud gipaspasan pa gyud hantod na dili nman nko makaya. Nipiyong na lang gyud ko.


Tu-a na gigawsan ko sa unang tulos nko hahahaha. Init siya, pilit pero mura ra man og tubig. Gikapoy ko og maayo. Pero lami kaayo akoang gibati. Akoa na lang gitrapuhan sa akoang t-shirt dayun gitaas na nko ang akoa short. Tapos naisip nko ngano karon lang man nko ni nadiskubre uy. Sagdi lang kay buhaton ko lang utro hahahaha.


Hala ka dira kay naganahan na man ko, maka adik man diay sya. Pirmi na nko ginabuhat hahahaha. Upat o unom sa usa ka adlaw, laliman gud ka. Pero dili na murag tubig mura na og paste hahahaha o elmers glue na nabutangan og tubig. Hahahaha dayun mao na to. Kung mataymingan nga ako ra usa, mag-lolo na dayun ko hahahaha. Adik.

Usahay gani sakit na pero sige ra gihapon kay lami man gud.

Naa pud mga gabi-ona na gina-atik nako akoa manghud kung tapad mi matulog na galindol ba tapos magbukot ko og habol kay murag mahadlok pero ga-lolo na diay to hahahaha. Ambot ra kung nabawo ba 'to siya atoa kay murag man pud na abi niya na galindol gyud hahahaha. Mao 'to pirmi na gyud. Makadako bya siya og patotoy kadugayan ay. Testingi ra gud d pa man huli ang tanan.


Sa makasabot na lang ani hahahaha.


Xoxo


The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://protaku.com/pics/mastur/nuku-nuku-jerk-off.jpg

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Faces


I’m here by myself sitting by the window side, watching people come and go while writing something that come to mind. One thing about me is that I rarely remember names but I almost (if not always) remember every face I see and the clothes they wear that particular time. Hair styles they sport and sometimes shoes they wear. At the end of the day I try to forget them and hold on to the faces that strike me the most. Then I try to write about it but no words usually equate what I truly feel about my observation, no matter how hard I try.

When I travel, I usually sat by the window. Trying hard not to fall asleep. I would watch the landscape that I passed by and trying hard not to blink because I might miss something - a very bad idea because I always end up becoming dizzy and I usually vomit before the end of the trip.

It’s a different here in the Metro though. Here where everything seemed to pass so fast I tend to sit by the aisle instead so I could get out fast enough before the bus leaves for the next stop. I wouldn’t want to miss my stop, else I would walk a thousand steps to get back to where I supposed to be.

I draw, whatever words fail to express I try to compensate it with my drawings and sketches. I don’t think that I am good with it, but I think it’s fair enough. I remember when I was in school I usually draw my teachers and classmates while listening to lectures. I would draw things with faces that would best illustrate them (I think). My classmates and teachers would end up laughing after seeing my drawings. It would always make me happy. Seeing them happy. Sometimes my drawings would end up printed in t-shirts and cards. I actually like it because they appreciate it.

I always draw people (almost exclusively). I like watching and observing them. Sometimes I caught myself staring at a person for too long and scold myself because he/she might find it rude. I appreciate every detail, every scar, and every line. The eyes speak a lot, I know if they’re sad or if they’re happy. There's something about faces that fascinates me.

I remember a conversation I had with 2 friends. They we’re asking me what I think of a person if I find him handsome or not. Or who’s the most handsome or the least that I know of. I find it hard to answer, not because I’m scared to offend but it’s just hard for me to categorize people by their faces. My friends concluded that I have no concept of what’s handsome or “pangit” at all.

This entry seems to be lengthy already and I don’t even have a plot. It’s just one of the lazy day that I’d like to be by myself because the person I’d like to be with the most can’t possibly be with me at the moment. But regardless how I miss the person terribly, I know there’s a reason why I can’t be with him for now. So I just close my eyes, write something and sketch, after all, I already memorize his face and by remembering him, somehow, it makes me not so sad anymore.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://rgr-static1.tangentlabs.co.uk/images/bau/97803162/9780316287050/0/0/plain/face-forward.jpg

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Tested


I can’t sleep that night. It wasn’t the heat or the noisy neighbors. Not even the small space I had to occupy while sleeping. I was restless and thinking about what I did in the past. In a way, they’re hunting me. Faces materialized before me, bodies I interacted during my exploring days. Then I began counting. One, it was the doctor from not so distant neighborhood. Two, it was the one who played pool. Three, it was the dentist I didn’t like. Four, five… I lost count and finally fell asleep.

“Whatever happens, I’m here…”

Words comforted me and made me more secured. I knew I had to do it, not for anyone’s sake but mine. What makes it scarier is the thought of losing something special - something that makes me happy. I can’t deny the fact that whatever the result might be, that something might change, after all humans tend to cloud their thoughts in times of uncertainties and times of trials, specially when it involves something that can’t be healed – something that could spread and kill. But I trusted these words told to me and instead of being scared I felt an excitement deep inside me telling me that everything will be ok.

“Whatever happens…”

I woke up early that day. Lack of sleep won’t hinder me on pursuing the initial plan. I tried to condition myself to be ready for the test. No matter how I do it, the beating of my heartbeat beats faster each second passed. I can’t deny how scared I am. I’m scared of the test result but nothing is scarier than the thought of losing something special.

As I ascended each step going to the clinic, faces began to reappear inside my head. One, two, three…

“HIV test?,” the nurse asked me when I approached her.

“Opo,” I answered.

“Tara pasok ka and fill-up mo ‘tong form. Maupo ka,” she invited me in.

I accepted the paper and carefully read through what was written on it. I can’t clearly think that time because of fear. I never thought it was that scary. I’m so scared that I can’t even begin to describe it.

It was August of 2009. I was drinking alone finishing a bottle of Jose Cuervo while my ex was doing some University work on his laptop. It was almost empty when I finally went to bed and my ex decided to sleep too. I was not thinking straight and we did it – unprotected.

Months later I found out that my ex were doing it with some other guy – way back before that night. Apart from being mad, fear slowly building up. What if’s and worries came hunting me.

“Hindi ka sure sa age mo sir?,” the nurse asked me.

“Ah kase kala ko year, age pala kaya binura ko ‘yung una,” I lied.

“Sige sir proceed ka dun sa room *** para makunan ka ng blood sample. Bigay mo lang ‘tong paper.”

I accepted the paper and headed straight to the room indicated on the paper.

I’m scared of needles so I had to think of a happy thought while the nurse got blood sample on me.

“Ayan na, hindi naman masakit dba?,” the nurse told me while she put a ball of cotton where she inserted the needle. “Balik ka na dun sa taas para antayin and result.”

Again as I ascended the stairs, my mind counted voluntarily. One, two, three…

While waiting for the result the nurse and I chatted and she told me about stuffs regarding HIV and AIDS. I really can’t think well because the longer I wait the scarier it becomes.

After a few minutes, one guy entered and handed the nurse some papers. Those papers held the result of the test.

“Saan ‘yung kay Chris?,” the nurse asked the guy.

“Wala ba dyan?,” the guy replied.

Hindi ko na yata kaya ang delay, hihimatayin na yata ako.

“Kunin mo ‘yung sa kanya para malaman na natin,” she told the guy while she looked at me.

“May kasama ba STD tests yung sa kanya? Malamang after 2 days pa ‘yun,” the guy replied.

Nako ‘wag naman ganun katagal. One, two, three…

“Oo ‘yung sa STD 2 days pa talaga ‘yun. Pero sa HIV madali lang. Ask mo dun kung ano result ha,” she instructed the guy.

While the guy left us she began talking to me again. About the ABC’s and stuff.

“NR,” the guy informed us after a few minutes.

“Congrats Chris, hindi ka infected ng virus,” the nurse informed me.

Sobrang happy ko and was relieved to finally know that I am free of HIV. Life changing talaga siya. Sana just to be sure have yourself tested na din.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_n8CKTO3MuQg/S2QwMtlvwUI/AAAAAAAAAk8/vgi8xfYngZ4/s400/person_hivtest.jpg

Monday, April 19, 2010

Resigned

I've been very busy with turn-over documents that I haven't got the chance to read your blog posts lately. As what I've said from the previous post (I had the other month) that I won't be renewing my contract with my company, so this is it guys! Haha. Hopefully I'll be able to finish everything this week because my last working day will be on the 23rd. I'm so excited to finally free myself.

I also got the chance last week to talk to some of my officemates who are dear to me and I was overwhelmed by their response. They started crying and telling me stuffs that really moved me. It almost brought me to tears but I had to compose myself and tried hard not to cry (kakahiya lang ano, ang laki laki ko na tao tapos iiyak haha).

My boss was ok with my decision, after all, she knew that we're not being paid on time since the 3rd quarter of last year. I thank my boss for everything. Without her pressuring me and pushing me to my limits, I would not have discovered things that I am actually capable of doing and achieving. Surprisingly, our talk went really well. She gave me pieces of advice and I can really tell she's happy for me (and my decision to leave).

I am also joining a new company soon, weeeh. Yeap, I'm all excited about transferring, meeting new people and exploring new environment. In fact, last weekend I already signed the new contract and had my medical exam. I also hand them (company HRs) my requirements and documents needed for the transfer.

I also opened up a new savings account to transfer all my savings from my current payroll to my new account. Just a precaution in case there is a need to close my payroll account when I finally moved out from my current company.

Well, It's has been 3 years and the time for me to move out, on and forward has finally arrived. Goodbyes are never easy but we need it to grow into a better person and live a much better life. I remember upon seeing my officemates cry, it saddened me, in fact, for the briefest second, I wanted to take it (resignation) back, but of course, I know myself, once I decided it's final. The process of deciding was the hardest part but once you decided everything follows and it is smooth sailing already.

So guys, wish me luck ha hehe.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://images.google.com.ph/imgres?imgurl=http://www.freefoto.com/images/19/10/19_10_11---Spring_web.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.freefoto.com/preview/19-10-11%3Fffid%3D19-10-11&usg=__ABwJKJC-IH8Tuei0JNmlkvj5J8s=&h=400&w=600&sz=217&hl=tl&start=8&sig2=OxPOi1Z-uQjmheUVl9pAhQ&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=BDT45J_j4qSAlM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dspring%26um%3D1%26hl%3Dtl%26sa%3DN%26tbs%3Disch:1&ei=RLHLS5uPINGHkQXgp5izBA

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Change


The first quarter of 2010 is about to end yet a lot of things already came to pass Things happened so fast that it left me joggling a lot of stuffs at a time. First there was the break-up and then I lose a lot of weight. My contract in the company is about to end and a lot of opportunities to seek for a better job come knocking at my doorsteps. Going out with friends again and meeting up people is again part of my life. Then I finally move on and I'm taking things slowly this time. A lot of transformations come my way and I'm glad that I'm coping up.

I was 207 lbs before 2009 ends and I realized that I need to do something about it. I decided not to eat rice on the 24th of Dec of last year and haven't taken rice ever since. From 36" I'm down to 32" and I can already wear skinny jeans haha. From XL shirts, small and medium sizes fit me all too well. Friends even offer to help me shop for new clothes hehe. Then I'll hit back to the gym come this April after a month of hiatus for body toning (I have no plans yet to buff myself up though).

The most drastic change however is my hair. From the long silky black hair my hair stylist friend decided to cut it into Korean/Italian style we often see on TV and glossies.

I was with a friend that night and we've been talking a lot of stuffs. I did mentioned what happened to me and my plans for the future. Then I showed him my ID and passport and he told me that I look better with a short hair. I told him that I'm still fat and so used to sport this long hair for so long that it's scary to cut it just like that. Eventually, I got so inspired and finally decided to have it cut that very hour.

I sent a friend an SMS to ask her about my stylist friend's number so I could contact him to give me a hair cut. I received the text and finally able to get hold of the stylist's number. I texted him and finally called him up.

"Hello san ka ba?," asked Ads*, my stylist friend.

"Dito ako sa Ayala Ave., buti gising ka pa," I replied.

"Hellooooo, 3 am kaya nagsasarado ang parlor namin. Ano ba nakain mo at magpapagupit ka sa ganitong oras (almost 1am)?," Ads asked again.

"Wala lang, gusto ko lang pagupit," I replied.

"Goooo. Alam mo ba pano pumunta dito?," he asked me again.

"Hindi e, txt mo na lang sa akin para punta ako dyan," I requested and I ended the conversation.

"Heto na yung address oh," I showed it up to my friend.

"Ah madali lang yan," he told me.

He held a cab for me and gave the cab driver the instructions on how to get there. I thank my friend for inspiring me. I'd really love to hug him but we were in a public place so I just texted him again how I felt.

Ads was already outside when I arrived at the parlor. He greeted me and showed me inside the parlor.

"Ano ba gusto mo gupit? Trim ba?," he asked me.

"Yung pinakita ko sa facebook ko, yung sa wall photos na album," I replied.

"Kaloka ka friend! Sigurado ka? Kala ko trim lang. Teka hihinga muna ako ng malalim. Teka sure ka ba talaga? Hoy mga bakla (referring to the other styling inside the parlor) papagupit daw niya (referring to me) buhok nya," Ads reacted violently while laughing.

"Hala hindi ka ba nanghihinayang dyan?," asked the other stylist.

"Oo nga, sayang naman buhok mo. Dko kakayanin yan pag ako. Paunti-unti siguro pero yung total gupit? Kalerki ka kuya," reacted another stylist.

"O sya, Xtian hali ka na at i-shampoo na kita. Haha kaw talaga," Ads laughed.

I was already sitting in front of the mirror while Ads was preparing my hair. He grabbed the pair of scissors and was already ready to cut it off.

"Teka teka teka… P*tang 'na 'tang na teka...," was all I could ever said.

Ads handed me the hair in a bun he just cut off me. I just received it from him and look at it for a few minutes before looking back at myself in front of the mirror. I almost do not recognize the reflection in front of me. A younger version of me perhaps and I began smiling.

Ads was an expert and I've been working with him for more that a year so I trust him already.

The rest of the people in the parlor applauded me for my courage to finally cut my hair short. It's been more than 3 years and in just a blink of an eye it was all gone - my shiny long black hair hehe.

Ads then took out his phone and took a photo of me with the camera installed in it. We headed to the nearest internet shop and he posted my photo for all our friends to see. The next thing I know, my facebook was flooded with messages of mix emotions from my contacts in facebook.

I texted my friend whom I am with earlier and told him about the hair cut. I even sent him a copy of the photo that Ads took earlier. I can't wait to see him again. I thank him for inspiring me to have it cut off.

We went back to the parlor. As promised I allow Ads to color some of part of my hair (in exchanged of styling it for free) which he told me I could color back to black after a week. Guess what color he put on my hair? Purple, yes it's purple haha.

The next day I had a fever. I don't know really know why but every time Ads cuts my hair I always had fever right after. But the result was always amazing and my hair grows back fast.

The week is almost ending so I could finally color it back to black. Then maybe come April or May I'll sport the hair cut I had back then, just like the one I have on my current passport photo.

Even though I've been through a lot for the past 3 months, I'm glad it all happened. It made me a better person and made me finally smile again.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.malemodelscene.net/

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Forward


“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

I knew it was coming, all I had to do was to decide and let go. I never thought it would be so easy. Thinking how to say that I had enough and that it’s all over was the hardest. But to actually face him and tell him how I feel was just a breeze.

It’s been two months since we broke up. The first few days, weeks, the first month even was hard. Having to see him every day was painful to start with, knowing that he cheated on me.

Just like watching your favorite movie and wanting (hoping) that it would have end up differently on the replay, I played what happened to us over and over again inside my head. Analyzing what went wrong or what have I done wrong. There were times when I am with some people but I can’t help thinking about him. I even felt guilty at times (well most of the time).

Then I realized it was not all my fault after all, yes, I do have my shortcomings but I work hard to fill up whatever that is. But no matter how hard you try and how much (or less) you do about it some things are just bound to end.

Then I tried reaching out to my friends again whom I neglected because of revolving my world around my ex-partner. They might not have known what happened to me but they accepted me with wide open arms. I also tried responding to bloggers who were always there to support me along the way. You never know how much these bloggers were able to help me lift up myself away from deepest pit that I’ve been through. I can’t thank my friends and blogger friends enough who have become my family here in the metro

After more than two months I can finally write about my breakup. It doesn’t hurt anymore and I am already ok. I’m actually doing very well, I was even surprise myself.

Now I am starting again, from scratch? Not really because I already have with me some valuable lessons that I learned from the experience. I’m happy though that all I remember now was all the happy part. Well I’m not really a bitter person, I even wish (hope) that my ex will find all the happiness that he wants and deserves. But I am taking one step at a time, and then hop a step if I need to then back a little but definitely I’m moving on forward.

God is really good. He prepared me well. He never left my side, he even gave me something to look forward to.

I think a particular song was right after all, it’s not really how long we held each other’s arms, what matters most is that we loved at all. That way it would be easy to let go, forgive and move on forward.

Now I can finally say that I no longer have romantic feelings for him, love, a little but mostly because we used to be together, other than that wala na. I no longer long for him, I don’t even think of him that often. And that I can assure you and that you don’t have to worry or question at all.

“We might never be friends again but I already forgive you. Thanks for everything.”

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.abanet.org/media/youraba/200712/cb054564.jpg

Friday, March 12, 2010

Drunk


I had second thoughts whether I’ll be attending the party last Monday night. My friend insisted that I should go, Mimi* is so demanding (at times like a scornful wife) so I had to agree. I don’t want her getting upset and I love her like a sister so I had to gave in.

On my way going to Makati, I received an SMS from a friend informing me that he’s in Makati hanging out at Starbucks. Since it was still 6pm, I decided to meet up with him since my dinner with some friends was set later at 8pm. We chatted for a while. I actually enjoyed hanging out with this friend. We parted ways by 7:45pm I think.

Instead of riding a jeep I walked instead. I headed straight to Greenbelt and waited for my friends to arrive. As usual, they were late. They were 6 of us including a client who was inquiring for our services. The dinner turned out into a business meeting. Our target date of was tentatively scheduled to March 27.

Later on, 5 of us went to the party less the client. I hesitated at first because it was a Monday. Knowing myself, I won’t go home ‘til I’m dead drunk. I had so much to drink that I totally black out. The last thing I recalled was me hugging my girl friend while resting my head on her shoulder.

I woke up on my bed, wearing boxers and still wearing my shoes. I was so dirty. My hands and right shoulder were muddy. I saw my pants, polo and t-shirt inside my bag and they smelled nasty. Apparently, I vomited with me recalling it. My mobile phones were already missing.

Still having a headache, I put on a shirt and went to a nearby pay phone. It was already 11am. I dialed my girl friend’s number.

“Hello,” it was Mimi on the line.

“Ei Mimi, anong nangyari kagabi?,” I asked.

“OMGee Xtian, ang lasing lasing mo kagabi!,” Mimi replied.

“Alam mo ba hindi ko makita dalawa kong cellphones. Hindi ko maalala pano ako nka-uwi Mi,” I told Mimi.

“Haha grabe ka kase. Tinulak mo pa nga si Paul* sa labas ng bar then natumba kayo sa damuhan at asar na asar si Paul sayo. Alam mo ba na sina TJ* at Simon* naghatid sayo kagabi sa Araneta?,” Mimi inquired.

“Tapos daw nung dun na kayo sabi mo daw kay TJ ‘Go away TJ, go away. Please, please, please. I can handle myself’ tapos pinapaalis mo na daw siya,” Mimi continues.

“Wala talaga ako maalaal eh kaya pala may putik yung braso at mga kamay ko,” I sighed.

“Tsaka alam mo ba pinaggagawa mo sa party? Hinalikan mo yung girl na hindi mo kilala at naghalikan kayo sa gitna ng party then dinala mo yung isang bote ng Bacardi sa CR at tinunga mo doon,” Mimi recalled while laughing.

“Tsaka, nanunulak ka sa amin then pinag-smack mo lahat kami haha,” Mimi continued as she laughs.

“Ano? D nga? Wala ako maalala. Last na recall ko hinug kita then nilagay ko ulo ko sa balikat mo. After nun wala na,” I explained.

“Na-possess ka yata. Kase naman hindi ka na kumakain lately sa kakadiet mo kaya nalasing ka tuloy ng bongang bonga,” Mimi laughs as she recalled the incident.

“Nakakahiya Mi, pati sila hinalikan ko? Ano number ni TJ* para kausapin ko?,” I sighed again.

Mimi gave me TJ’s landline number and informed me that Paul texted her to ask if I’m ok. I hang up the phone and dialed TJ’s.

“Hello,” the other line answered.

“Pwede makausap si TJ?,” I inquired.

“Wala siya dito eh, nakaalis na, sino ‘to?,” the person on the other line asked.

“Si Xtian, pakisabi na lang tumawag ako,” I answered.

“Uy, si Simon to hehe,” Simon replied.

“Tang-na tol nawala cellphone ko hindi ko na maalala anong nangyari kagabi nablack-out
na ako,” I informed Simon.

“Oo grabe ka kagabi tol, lasing na lasing ka. Pinaghahalikan mo kami kagabi. Torid kissing kayo ni Mimi haha,” Simon laughs.

“Tae, d nga? Bakit mo naman ako hinayaang halikan ka? Bakit mo din ako hinalikan?,” I asked him.

“Ok lang ‘yun lasing naman tayo lahat dun e hehe,” he laughes at me again.

“Nasarapan ka ano?,” I teased him.

“Hehehehe. Alam mo ban a pagdating natin sa SM cubao ay pina-uwi na ako ni TJ kase kaya ka na daw niya. Tapos ayun sumakay ako ng bus pa Caloocan then nagising na lang ako na nakapark na yung bus at kasama ko na antutulog yung bus driver at konduktor dun haha. Tsaka yung bag ko nalaslasan din pero wala naming nawala. Yung camera at cellphone nandun pa din,” he recalled what happened to him.

“Haha talaga? Adik ka din. Uy ha baka kinunan mo ako ng pictures kagabi,” I asked him, worried.

“Yung mga kuha lang natin as group. Kukunan ko sana kayo nung natumba kayo ni Paul sa damuhan kaso nakatayo na kayo nung na-on ko na ang camera ko hehe,” he relayed.

“Ganun ba? Sige salamat tol ha. Tawag na lang ako ulit para kausapin si TJ sa nangyari kagabi ha,” I hanged up the phone.

I paid for the pay phone and bought 4 tetra packs of juice because I was so thirsty. Maybe I was dehydrated from last night drinking spree. I went back to my room after finishing the drinks.

I had a terrible headache so I decided to nap again. Then I noticed that my ring has gone missing as well. My cell phone chargers were missing too. I sighed and dozed off.

I woke up by some noise when my ex arrived. I just turned on the other side of the bed and went back to sleep. I finally woke up by 9pm. I decided to buy pain reliever for my headache and bought Gatorade to quench my thirst. I ate dinner then went to a nearby internet shop.

I log on to YM, FB, and Twitter and informed my friends about the missing mobile phones. Of course, I didn’t inform them yet what really happened why I lost them. I chatted with some friends before I went home to sleep again.

Last Wednesday, I called Globe and Sun to disconnect my phone numbers. Globe promised to give me a new prepaid SIM for free and any promos I joined and load I had on my lost SIM will be transferred on my new SIM.

Oh I had to omit the “drinking spree” when I retold what happened to me to my bosses, officemates, some friends, clients and family. I don’t want to get into more trouble you know. After all, they just had to know how I lost my phones and why I didn’t report to the office last Tuesday.

Yesterday I had my old mobile phone fixed (it costs me Php 1.8k) and inserted my new prepaid SIM (which Globe gave me for free). Luckily there’s no need to reformat my old phone so all the messages, photos, and contacts I stored there are still available.

Yehey! I can text and call again.

Lesson learned: Don’t drink with an empty stomach especially on a Monday night. Well come to think of it, they actually like kissing me haha.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image is courtesy of http://interact.stltoday.com/blogzone/the-platform/files/2009/11/drunk-driving.jpg
*Not actual names to hide true identities.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Renounce


There’ll always be challenges along the way, I know that. I am the type of person who doesn’t easily give up, as long as I can still take it, I’ll take it. Even with friends, even if everyone else seems to leave a friend behind I’ll always be the last one to let go. But you see there are also battles that you should know and recognize (and accept) that are not worth fighting for anymore. You just have to let go and move on to the next challenge that life has to offer.

It was summer of 2007 when I finally realized that my love for art is not enough for me to sustain my stay here in the metro. Less than Php 1K a week of salary doesn’t compensate for the things I needed to spend for myself. I have to pay the rent; need to spend for fare and almost once a day meal. Amazingly, I survived. For almost two years I stayed working in animation industry. I love my job there, imagine drawing all day long and am with people of the same likes and hobbies as I do. It was perfect but not financially (rewarding). My situation is the same for all the artists working in that studio.

Come to think of it, we were lucky compared to other artists working in other studios. We were paid like Php 18.00 to 25.00 per drawings while other studios only pay for Php 12.00 to 14.00 per drawing. Even if you like drawing, but the pressure of drawing a lot in order to have a higher pay when the week ends tires you eventually. Fingers and hands are hurting and deadlines were impossible to meet yet we’re able to make it. Instead of going home, to earn more and to lessen expense in fare, we would stay all week long in the studio and eat instant noodles just to earn more (I lost a lot of weight though hehe).

It took me to realize all these things when our studio finally decided to close. Panicked stricken, a lot of artist began looking and transferring to other studios. We were all divided and separated into different studios around the city. Three of us transferred to Tomas Morato, a small studio but pays better while most of my colleagues decided to work in Pioneer (home to the biggest studio in the city).

Even though the studio I was working pays better but it doesn’t seemed to be the same. I no longer have with me the friends I get to know and love. Gradually it doesn’t seem to be fun anymore. That’s when I finally decided to go back to corporate world. I shifted to programming. Life becomes so much better. IT industry really pays well. You see, I no longer have to eat instant noodles (except for the time I want to remember my friends in animation). I don’t need to worry for the rent and bills I have to pay. I can send money in the province whenever my family needs it. I can watch movies again just like when I was in college. I am not extravagant so I only live according to my needs, so I am able to save some.

I’ve been working here at my present job for almost 3 years now. Even though the pressure work gives me, I am able to handle it pretty well. I love my work here actually, everyday I learn something new and that excites me. There’s always something to look forward to. I’m glad that every moment I’m here I get to live it to the fullest. Then again, another challenge comes my way. The last company that handles our contract was affected by the US economy. The company suffered so much during the recession consequently, it also affects us contractors. Salaries were delayed (two months the longest). Since we love our work here and we like the people we give our services to, it’s really hard for us to let go and resign from this company. It started August last year and up to know the company still owes us a month worth of pay and we don’t know yet when we’re going to get it or if we’re going to receive a pay this coming payday. We already seek help to DOLE but to no avail.

I just realized that it’s not worth working here anymore. No matter how you’d like to understand the company’s situation it’s just so hard. Working everyday under pressure and receiving nothing as compensation will slowly leave you uninspired, drained and hopeless. Again, love for work is not enough. I endured this for 7 long months already but I can no longer take it anymore.

After my contract ends this March, I will no longer renew it, whether I can find a new company to work for or not (don’t roll your eyes just yet Maxxwell, I know I told you to look for a job before quitting which you actually did). It will be hard for me, yes, I might even go back to eating a cup of noodles a day but I’ll take it. At least I will not work for naught. Well, I have still my “raket” as a fall back, even though it’s (pay) not enough but I still have something to earn. My “raket” actually saves me from those times we’re not receiving anything from our company so I think I’ll be ok. Hey I just survived a break-up from more than 5 year relationship so leaving this job would be a piece of cake. How hard can it be?

So guys, this is it. I finally made up my mind. I will no longer renew my contract so better wish me luck, ok? I know God will provide for those who work hard and persevere. I know I’ll be ok.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.freefoto.com/images/41/13/41_13_69---Red-Traffic-Signal_web.jpg