Thursday, January 21, 2010
I have a confession to make. One time, I badly needed to use a computer so I asked him to use his desktop PC. I was browsing the net to research something. He was off to his parents’ house to visit them so I was left alone in our pad. While downloading the files I decided to log on to YM to check on my contacts.
I double clicked on the YM icon located on the task bar and the application showed up. His YM id was still there and so is his password. I don’t intend to log in using his account but my curiosity won me over. I already doubted him that time so might as well check it to confirm if there’s any to confirm.
Usually I let him browse the internet and let him log on to YM while I sleep on the bed. He sits on the edge while using the PC so he blocked me completely so I can’t see whatever he’s doing. I really don’t mind though because I used to trust him.
Anyhow, I clicked on login and put it on invisible mode. I checked the message archive. First I looked for my YM id and there it was. All our private conversation was there, from the very start to the recent ones. Kinilig ako while reading it, it brought so many memories, happy ones, of course.
Then I checked some of the YM id’s there, mostly from the recently added ones. There at first YM id I already read something that almost drove me mad. It was there conversation after they’ve met in our pad. I was completely caught off guard. Alam mo ‘yung feeling na huminto ang mundo and you couldn’t think anything at all. Their conversation ended that they’re going to meet again. I’m thinking, what the hell, may next time pa?
Then I read the next, they too already met and they were having a good time. Then the next, almost same story altogether, wala halos pinag-iba. Oh my, I checked the dates again and it was all recent.
Initial na inisip ko, sana pala hindi na lang ako naghanap ng work ulit. Like, nawalan ako ng konting time para sa kanya. It’s like I’m blaming myself why he did all these. It’s like it was my fault for him to look for someone else.
It was painful. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling. I wanted to confront him that time but I was so afraid of losing him. You see, dati pa may pagkatanga na ako talaga. So I let it be thinking that if ever I’d spend more time with him he wouldn’t look for someone else. Kaya tinago ko ‘yun. I didn’t confront him. Baka magalit din siya at bakit ko nilog-in YM niya. Wala din ako sapat na evidence.
What I did, however, was I added those YM id on my YM contacts. I copied their conversation and saved it to my gmail. Then I began chatting with them. Some offered to meet me and I thought sige para naman makabawi ako. Makaganti. Pero I usually backed out the last minute. Hindi ko pala talaga kaya. At tsaka para saan pa?
Funny, thinking that wala na iba, pero ayun pala. Pinaniwala niya ako. Come to think of it, we never really discussed before that kami lang because dba automatic naman ‘yan na pag kayo na, kayo lang. Wala na iba? O kailangan pa ba sabihin sa agreement ‘yan? Sabi naman niya dati ako lang.
Whenever I came from the office he usually checks my phone. I didn’t put any PIN code because I don’t have anything to hide. He even deletes some messages I have there kase sabi niya puno na daw phone ko at baka hindi pumasok mga text niya. Ako naman, I don’t check his phone, I don’t even know his PIN code. Biniro ko nga siya one time sabi ko pa check ng phone niya kase he just checked mine, he got mad and refused to let me check his phone because he’s waiting for a text from his mom daw,
Right now, we still don’t talk. No conversation or whatsoever exist between the two of us. Parang room mates na lang kase na naka bed space ako. There are times that I don’t want to go home so I would end my work out late or log on to net in some nearby internet café until 11pm or 12mn. During weekends it’s either I went home ng madaling araw or nakikitulog sa ibang bahay.
Pero nasanay na ako. Nasanay na ako na hindi na kami nag-uusap. Nasanay na ako na walang kumustahan. Nasanay na ako umagahin sa lansangan. Siguro ready na ako. Ready na ako ma-gain ang freedom ko. Siguro, ready na ako maging single ulit. Lahat naman yata ng bagay natututunan at napagsasanayan.
Many of you asked bakit hindi ko pa siya palayasin, siguro dahil ayoko na sa akin manggaling ‘yun. Kelan ako mag-aantay sa pag-alis niya, siya na makakasagot niyan.
If you ask me kung ano nafefeel ko ngayon? I really don’t know. Honestly, hindi ko alam talaga.
Don’t pity me though, kagagawan ko din naman ‘to kase hinayaan ko. Ganun talaga ang buhay. Pero if you see me sa lansangan hindi mo masasabi na may dinadala pala ako na problema kase no matter what, I never fail to smile and make other people smile too.
Don’t hate him though. You don’t know his side of the story. So it’s unfair for you to hate or judge him. He’s not that bad, trust me. He’s one of the sweetest people there is. He’s his charm and ways that’s why lahat yata ng naging partner niya nahihirapan to let him go. Kaya din siguro ako nahihirapan din.
The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://buckeyesecure.osu.edu/pmwiki/uploads/SafeComputing/password_star.jpg