Thursday, January 21, 2010

Password


I have a confession to make. One time, I badly needed to use a computer so I asked him to use his desktop PC. I was browsing the net to research something. He was off to his parents’ house to visit them so I was left alone in our pad. While downloading the files I decided to log on to YM to check on my contacts.

I double clicked on the YM icon located on the task bar and the application showed up. His YM id was still there and so is his password. I don’t intend to log in using his account but my curiosity won me over. I already doubted him that time so might as well check it to confirm if there’s any to confirm.

Usually I let him browse the internet and let him log on to YM while I sleep on the bed. He sits on the edge while using the PC so he blocked me completely so I can’t see whatever he’s doing. I really don’t mind though because I used to trust him.

Anyhow, I clicked on login and put it on invisible mode. I checked the message archive. First I looked for my YM id and there it was. All our private conversation was there, from the very start to the recent ones. Kinilig ako while reading it, it brought so many memories, happy ones, of course.

Then I checked some of the YM id’s there, mostly from the recently added ones. There at first YM id I already read something that almost drove me mad. It was there conversation after they’ve met in our pad. I was completely caught off guard. Alam mo ‘yung feeling na huminto ang mundo and you couldn’t think anything at all. Their conversation ended that they’re going to meet again. I’m thinking, what the hell, may next time pa?

Then I read the next, they too already met and they were having a good time. Then the next, almost same story altogether, wala halos pinag-iba. Oh my, I checked the dates again and it was all recent.

Initial na inisip ko, sana pala hindi na lang ako naghanap ng work ulit. Like, nawalan ako ng konting time para sa kanya. It’s like I’m blaming myself why he did all these. It’s like it was my fault for him to look for someone else.

It was painful. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling. I wanted to confront him that time but I was so afraid of losing him. You see, dati pa may pagkatanga na ako talaga. So I let it be thinking that if ever I’d spend more time with him he wouldn’t look for someone else. Kaya tinago ko ‘yun. I didn’t confront him. Baka magalit din siya at bakit ko nilog-in YM niya. Wala din ako sapat na evidence.

What I did, however, was I added those YM id on my YM contacts. I copied their conversation and saved it to my gmail. Then I began chatting with them. Some offered to meet me and I thought sige para naman makabawi ako. Makaganti. Pero I usually backed out the last minute. Hindi ko pala talaga kaya. At tsaka para saan pa?

Funny, thinking that wala na iba, pero ayun pala. Pinaniwala niya ako. Come to think of it, we never really discussed before that kami lang because dba automatic naman ‘yan na pag kayo na, kayo lang. Wala na iba? O kailangan pa ba sabihin sa agreement ‘yan? Sabi naman niya dati ako lang.

Whenever I came from the office he usually checks my phone. I didn’t put any PIN code because I don’t have anything to hide. He even deletes some messages I have there kase sabi niya puno na daw phone ko at baka hindi pumasok mga text niya. Ako naman, I don’t check his phone, I don’t even know his PIN code. Biniro ko nga siya one time sabi ko pa check ng phone niya kase he just checked mine, he got mad and refused to let me check his phone because he’s waiting for a text from his mom daw,

Right now, we still don’t talk. No conversation or whatsoever exist between the two of us. Parang room mates na lang kase na naka bed space ako. There are times that I don’t want to go home so I would end my work out late or log on to net in some nearby internet cafĂ© until 11pm or 12mn. During weekends it’s either I went home ng madaling araw or nakikitulog sa ibang bahay.

Pero nasanay na ako. Nasanay na ako na hindi na kami nag-uusap. Nasanay na ako na walang kumustahan. Nasanay na ako umagahin sa lansangan. Siguro ready na ako. Ready na ako ma-gain ang freedom ko. Siguro, ready na ako maging single ulit. Lahat naman yata ng bagay natututunan at napagsasanayan.

Many of you asked bakit hindi ko pa siya palayasin, siguro dahil ayoko na sa akin manggaling ‘yun. Kelan ako mag-aantay sa pag-alis niya, siya na makakasagot niyan.

If you ask me kung ano nafefeel ko ngayon? I really don’t know. Honestly, hindi ko alam talaga.

Don’t pity me though, kagagawan ko din naman ‘to kase hinayaan ko. Ganun talaga ang buhay. Pero if you see me sa lansangan hindi mo masasabi na may dinadala pala ako na problema kase no matter what, I never fail to smile and make other people smile too.

Don’t hate him though. You don’t know his side of the story. So it’s unfair for you to hate or judge him. He’s not that bad, trust me. He’s one of the sweetest people there is. He’s his charm and ways that’s why lahat yata ng naging partner niya nahihirapan to let him go. Kaya din siguro ako nahihirapan din.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://buckeyesecure.osu.edu/pmwiki/uploads/SafeComputing/password_star.jpg

22 comments:

  1. just like you, speechless rin ako. its one of those moments ata na masyadong hindi kanais-nais o hindi pinaghandaan na kung saan wala ka nalang magawa at tumunganga.

    its like getting hit by a truck. i dunno about you, but once, i've been in that moment at sa sobrang takot ko, hindi ako nakagalaw. ayun. share lang.

    HUGS. 'cause this too shall pass

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  2. sige na nga, sabi mo don't hate on him eh.
    we're rooting for you xtian! ;)

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  3. awwww. big F*CK to cheaters, in any form and in any way!

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  4. i know my comment would be useless, but nevertheless i want you to know

    if ever you'd need someone to talk to, you know my contact number

    godspeed

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  5. I've already said I know how you must feel, xtian, so all I can say is best of luck.

    The waiting game...ahhhh.

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  6. but its still good to talk to him. kahit wala na iyung feelings. kahit na ang treatment ninyo sa isat isa ay mag roommate lang. just express whatever u have in mind. u dont need to be emotional even. break the ice. just talk.

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  7. This had happened to me. Pero in my case it was really my intention to do some digging.

    If kaya mo na, you guys should sit down and talk. It's best when these things are let out in the open.

    That's what my partner and I did, and because of it, we got a second lease on love.

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  8. it's good though that despite what he did to you, gusto mo na hindi magalit mga tao sa kanya.

    i think that makes you the better person.

    i wish you well xtian =)

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  9. its good that you still respect him enough. it felt nice inside kasi hindi mo sya kinompronta. pero i agree with Trip. dapat mag usap kayo.

    tumaas ang paghanga ko sa iyo kaibigan.

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  10. I agree with Trip completely. I believe many conflicts can be solved by a mature conversation, where both parties are willing to admit their mistakes and agree on the best course of action to take.

    Goodluck. Hope you get to resolve this soonest.

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  11. don't blame yourself bro.. everything happens for a reason. kung nadiscover mo man na ganun nga.. siguro yun na din ang sign na mag e end na ang lahat para sa inyo.. pero tandaan mo bro. lahat din nadadaan sa mabuting usapan.. talk to him..

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  12. personally, given that kind of circumstance, i will not open or log to ym or check anyone's phone, especially that of my partner's.

    i dont know, but it just does not feel right for me. in a way, its a violation of someone else's privacy.

    but then, its me...

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  13. interesante ang post na ito. ang hirap naman ng situation mo. nde ko kakayanin ang ganyan na parang wala lang kaya, the mere fact na once naging lovers kayo. parang hirap makapag move on. saludo ako sa iyo.

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  14. Hindi ako galit. Hindi rin ito magreresulta sa pagrerebelde at lalong hindi ito magiging dahilan upang ideklara ang aking kalayaan.

    Ngunit kung tatanungin mo ako tungkol sa aking totoong nararamdaman,

    isa lang ang masasabi ko.

    I feel so empty.

    Anuman ang gawing kong pagpapanggap na okay lang ako sa sitwasyon, tao lang ako para hindi makaramdam ng panghihinayang.

    ---

    Ganito man kasakit ang nangyari, alam kong mahal ko pa rin siya.

    Ikalima
    April 21, 2008



    I sincerely wish you won't tread the same path I followed.

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  15. Proseso yan. It doesn't happen overnight. But it will, eventually. It's good to know you keep an positive disposition, even though superficially. It's like the placebo effect. If you believe you'll be better, you will be. :)

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  16. i agree with red the mod.. it takes time..

    Hoping for the best!

    xx
    Dhon

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  17. Talk to him whether u want in or out of the relationship. Lay all the cards and take it from there. Nahipo ako sa post mo na to. I once cheated my partner and I got caught. Same as yours, he got into my profiles which I had left open. Reading you is like hearing my partner's side of the story and more.

    Good thing, it has been always our agreement to talk things (trivial or otherwise) over. Suffice it to say, I got a second chance. I wad such a lucky slut :-)

    all the best for you :-)

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  18. deep sigh. this is a tough one. i think at this point you've decided and no one can tell you that's wrong. you're very sweet for not kicking him out. i wouldn't have been as forgiving.

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  19. i have been in the same scenario as you are. it's very painful. i became depressed and restless when it happened to me. i felt like i cant move on - the thoughts of it haunt me even at my sleep.

    but time heals all wounds, they say, though sometimes they leave scars. eventually you will get over this. but for now, try to talk to him. see if he'll be sorry or he'll air his side out.

    if you feel you can forgive him and give him another chance then go. it will be hard but if it's worth it, then you can do it.

    i wish you well curious cat! :)

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  20. well, i guess, konti pa, konting push pa sayo then eventually, you'll finally have the guts to do what it is that you have to do. so gather up your courage xtian, you're on your way.

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