Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Notebook



It’s heavier than I though. Slowly building up and stinging ‘til I can no longer take it. I blinked. Then a drop fell from my eye. I stiffened because people might see it. Then I remember I was wearing my Wayfarer. So I let a river pour down from my eyes. It’s heavy still and my heart began to pound harder as I sob.

Earlier, I was browsing through my drawer and carefully checking the documents I collected since 2003 – the first time I set my foot in the Metro. From receipts to withdrawal slips and from curriculum vitae’s to contracts, they were all there. Stack and stack of papers collecting dust from the years of abandonment.

Memories from a not so distant past came flooding. Refreshing me from what took place from before, each of them gives me a recollection. It’s like an old film has been playing inside my head only I can see myself playing the lead role.

I tried to remember the places I went to and the people I’m with. The smell of the coffee and the taste of the food. The conversation I had and the feelings involved in the encounter. It was such a nice feeling. How far have I gone – from being that thin who wants to make it big in the urban jungle to this corporate slave who learned to fall in and fell out of love. I realized how well I remember them all considering the fact that memorization bores me to the core.

Then I saw the notebook. I pick it up, removed the dust and sat down by the bed’s edge. I slowly opened the last page browsed it backwards. I stopped when I encountered the first entry I had about someone whom I’d loved:

“Kala mo siguro hindi ako nasasaktan
Pero ang totoo unting-unti gumuguho ang mundo ko.
Mahal kita, mahal mo ako pero mas mahal mo siya.
Hinayaan kita kase gusto ko lang na lumigaya ka.
Sa bawat nakaw nating mga sandali ay ang mga
Panahon(g) ako ay parang dinuduyan at inaangat sa langit
Gusto ko na iyon ay di na matatapos pero
Lahat ay may katapusan @ kailangan mo nang
Bumalik sa kanyang mga kamay @ damhin ang
Init ng inyong katawan sa higpit ng inyong mga yakap.”

I gazed upon my handwriting. The tiny penmanship was made possible by a 0.1 G-Tech pen. It was my favorite pen, which I usually used in drawing and sometimes, in writing my journal.

It was a 9 paragraphed entry I had on that notebook. I had written the date on the topmost part of the page. I wrote 4/11/2005 so I’ll remember in case I’ll come across it again – which I did today.

You see it was wrong from the start. I had no idea that it will come to that. Me being the third party was not on my “to do” list before I die. I had no idea at first. Then when I already fell hard, it was all revealed to me. He was going to use me as a temporary replacement because his current partner was going to work. And will eventually leave me hanging when his partner comes back.

I was naïve and careless. Letting myself be fooled by the person I thought who loved me back.

I browsed through the notebook again – paragraphs upon paragraphs of how I felt that time. Each entry was full of love, full of pain yet full of hope. Then I came across the page where reality slapped me hard like a brick fallen flat at my face from the heaven to wake me up from dreaming.

I remember all so clearly why I had written those words that woke me up from the delirium. These were the words I received that night:

- I want you to entertain suitors & have someone else aside (from) me.
- So that if I won’t be there, you(‘ll) have someone to share time with
- Eventually you(‘ll) find (out) that you love the other person and won’t be hurt when we broke up
- If *** came back soon then it would be impossible for me to communicate nor see you
- I am concern with you
- Kung ayaw mo o cge bahala ka
- ‘Wag mo lang ako sisisihin
- Kase ang pinakaayoko ay yung kinukunsensya ako
- 1/8 lang yan sa lungkot na mararamdaman mo
- Kase nag-usap na kami na in case mawala man mga magulang nya ay kami na dalawa ang bubuhay sa kapatid at anak nya.

I closed the notebook after reading that entry. My heart grew heavier but I did not entertain the thought. After all, it happened more than 5 years ago. So I continued on browsing the other documents. Taking the ones that I still need and leaving the rest inside the drawer.

It was almost 9am so I prepared myself for work.

Inside the bus, the notes I’ve read earlier linger in my head – waking up dead emotions that I tried so hard to forget. Now, inside the bus the pain came back. Hit me so hard which left me exhausted.

It’s heavier than I though. Slowly building up and stinging ‘til I can no longer take it. I blinked. Then a drop fell from my eye. I stiffened because people might see it. Then I remember I was wearing my Wayfarer. So I let a river pour down from my eyes. It’s heavy still and my heart began to pound harder as I sob.

I close my eyes and I say a little prayer. Then I realized that it not about the pain why I cried. It was about the love I gave and was thrown away. It was not wasted though because I learned a valuable lesson in the process.

I watchfully wiped away the tears and I stood up – making my way out of the bus and head straight to the office. The drama is long over. Now I am happy with the person that I believe loves me back truthfully and wholeheartedly.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9Um6_5nIHEI/TDHstZgF6qI/AAAAAAAAD8M/lCJQJI3-oSU/s1600/notebook.jpg

5 comments:

  1. ahhhhh...

    i love the scent of crisp fading nostalgia.

    it makes my chest jumped.

    :)

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  2. There's no greater feeling than a love that loves love back. :) I'm really happy for you, CC.

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  3. the memories are still with us. they linger although we do not cling to them.
    and when the notebook is full, we should get another one. =)

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  4. kakaamove on k din first time dito

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  5. Awww... natuwa naman ako. Sometimes, we don't know how far we've come until we turn around and see the path we just finished. Masakit alalahanin paminsan pero ang maganda, you learned something from it. You're a stronger person now. >:D< nakakatuwa talaga. :)

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