Monday, August 30, 2010

Ex


It took me a while to finally admit that I no longer feel the same for you.
It took me a while to finally admit that I’m holding on for the wrong reason.
It took me a while to finally admit that I’m blinded by the idea of us.
It took me a while to finally admit that I can’t lose you because you where never mine to begin with.
It took me a while to finally admit that I can’t fight for something that no longer exists.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to let you go and bid goodbye to you.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to leave you and stand up for myself.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to accept we’re thru so I can finally move on.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to love you no longer and start to love myself again.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to move out and start building a home with my new love.

******

Goodbyes were never my cup of coffee
It’s inevitable and when things end
One had to utter the word
Most of the time a whisper will do
Most often it’s I who received it
But this time around
It’s my time to say it to you
Goodbye and live well for your sake


Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.mseddesign.com/templates/default/elements/X.png

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Notebook



It’s heavier than I though. Slowly building up and stinging ‘til I can no longer take it. I blinked. Then a drop fell from my eye. I stiffened because people might see it. Then I remember I was wearing my Wayfarer. So I let a river pour down from my eyes. It’s heavy still and my heart began to pound harder as I sob.

Earlier, I was browsing through my drawer and carefully checking the documents I collected since 2003 – the first time I set my foot in the Metro. From receipts to withdrawal slips and from curriculum vitae’s to contracts, they were all there. Stack and stack of papers collecting dust from the years of abandonment.

Memories from a not so distant past came flooding. Refreshing me from what took place from before, each of them gives me a recollection. It’s like an old film has been playing inside my head only I can see myself playing the lead role.

I tried to remember the places I went to and the people I’m with. The smell of the coffee and the taste of the food. The conversation I had and the feelings involved in the encounter. It was such a nice feeling. How far have I gone – from being that thin who wants to make it big in the urban jungle to this corporate slave who learned to fall in and fell out of love. I realized how well I remember them all considering the fact that memorization bores me to the core.

Then I saw the notebook. I pick it up, removed the dust and sat down by the bed’s edge. I slowly opened the last page browsed it backwards. I stopped when I encountered the first entry I had about someone whom I’d loved:

“Kala mo siguro hindi ako nasasaktan
Pero ang totoo unting-unti gumuguho ang mundo ko.
Mahal kita, mahal mo ako pero mas mahal mo siya.
Hinayaan kita kase gusto ko lang na lumigaya ka.
Sa bawat nakaw nating mga sandali ay ang mga
Panahon(g) ako ay parang dinuduyan at inaangat sa langit
Gusto ko na iyon ay di na matatapos pero
Lahat ay may katapusan @ kailangan mo nang
Bumalik sa kanyang mga kamay @ damhin ang
Init ng inyong katawan sa higpit ng inyong mga yakap.”

I gazed upon my handwriting. The tiny penmanship was made possible by a 0.1 G-Tech pen. It was my favorite pen, which I usually used in drawing and sometimes, in writing my journal.

It was a 9 paragraphed entry I had on that notebook. I had written the date on the topmost part of the page. I wrote 4/11/2005 so I’ll remember in case I’ll come across it again – which I did today.

You see it was wrong from the start. I had no idea that it will come to that. Me being the third party was not on my “to do” list before I die. I had no idea at first. Then when I already fell hard, it was all revealed to me. He was going to use me as a temporary replacement because his current partner was going to work. And will eventually leave me hanging when his partner comes back.

I was naïve and careless. Letting myself be fooled by the person I thought who loved me back.

I browsed through the notebook again – paragraphs upon paragraphs of how I felt that time. Each entry was full of love, full of pain yet full of hope. Then I came across the page where reality slapped me hard like a brick fallen flat at my face from the heaven to wake me up from dreaming.

I remember all so clearly why I had written those words that woke me up from the delirium. These were the words I received that night:

- I want you to entertain suitors & have someone else aside (from) me.
- So that if I won’t be there, you(‘ll) have someone to share time with
- Eventually you(‘ll) find (out) that you love the other person and won’t be hurt when we broke up
- If *** came back soon then it would be impossible for me to communicate nor see you
- I am concern with you
- Kung ayaw mo o cge bahala ka
- ‘Wag mo lang ako sisisihin
- Kase ang pinakaayoko ay yung kinukunsensya ako
- 1/8 lang yan sa lungkot na mararamdaman mo
- Kase nag-usap na kami na in case mawala man mga magulang nya ay kami na dalawa ang bubuhay sa kapatid at anak nya.

I closed the notebook after reading that entry. My heart grew heavier but I did not entertain the thought. After all, it happened more than 5 years ago. So I continued on browsing the other documents. Taking the ones that I still need and leaving the rest inside the drawer.

It was almost 9am so I prepared myself for work.

Inside the bus, the notes I’ve read earlier linger in my head – waking up dead emotions that I tried so hard to forget. Now, inside the bus the pain came back. Hit me so hard which left me exhausted.

It’s heavier than I though. Slowly building up and stinging ‘til I can no longer take it. I blinked. Then a drop fell from my eye. I stiffened because people might see it. Then I remember I was wearing my Wayfarer. So I let a river pour down from my eyes. It’s heavy still and my heart began to pound harder as I sob.

I close my eyes and I say a little prayer. Then I realized that it not about the pain why I cried. It was about the love I gave and was thrown away. It was not wasted though because I learned a valuable lesson in the process.

I watchfully wiped away the tears and I stood up – making my way out of the bus and head straight to the office. The drama is long over. Now I am happy with the person that I believe loves me back truthfully and wholeheartedly.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9Um6_5nIHEI/TDHstZgF6qI/AAAAAAAAD8M/lCJQJI3-oSU/s1600/notebook.jpg

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Recognition



I gazed upon the heavens, wandering; my thoughts lead me to the stars that glitter and sparkle upon the black canvass that is the heaven. It seemed that these stars are playing hide and seek right before my eyes inviting me to join them. But I’m not in a mood to play; it’s beyond me right now. I did not respond, instead I continue to stare showing no emotion but something boils deep inside me. They don’t know how lonely I am that night. The heavens must have known I thought, but seeing those stars doing things they are good at, I re-think. Heaven must not know what I truly feel so I lower my head.

With a backpack carefully embracing me from behind I continue to stand there. Waiting. Nothing. Busses come and go that would lead me to me once happy home, passes me by slowly. Opening their doors and warmly greeting me to come in. Tempting but I’m not in a mood for some strangers’ hospitality. They’re not what I look for. I already found my home yet out of reach. I could stand there for eternity I thought, but seeing how late it is already, sooner I have to leave and go home. I laugh, I don’t even know how to call it anymore, and home is no longer an appropriate description.

A drop of water hit my hand (holding my phone). Am I crying? Is it my tear? Why it is cold. Then another drop into my other hand and another follows and soon loads of water drop from all over me. I gazed upon the heaven again, the stars no longer visible. The glitters and sparkles that once were there are gone. Stars no longer play. Rain clouds overshadowed their natural brilliance. It started to rain. I pulled my umbrella from my backpack and covered my self from the million tears the heaven shed for me.

I re-think, again. The heavens did know what I felt. I stand corrected. They are just trying to cheer me up. They even cry for me so I won’t shed a tear.

With that in mind I entered the first bus which opens up its door for me. Welcoming me and leading me to where I need to go – to rest my restless soul.

Then everything stopped. The mirror cracked in front of me. The impact was so strong it woke me up from my trance (can you still call it daydreaming even if it’s still dark, I ask myself and as usual no answer came). The bus hit another bus in front of us. I stayed while the others (passengers) went out and look for another bus to lead them to their destinations. I stayed and I am so still. Everything seemed to move but me.

Finally we (remaining inside) were asked to exit the bus. As I entered another bus I inhaled so deep and when I exhaled, gone with it are my worries and loneliness. I finally recognized (if not fully accepted) that there are things that you can’t control no matter how you want it the other way around. Sometimes you have to go with the flow and let things be as they are. That sometimes you have to wait to get there - to where you are suppose to go. That all difficulties and hardships you are going through are the necessities you have to undergo to arm you for the things to come. I sat down on the nearest empty chair and smiled.

The rain had stopped, the stars played again and I am home – drowned into your voice telling me everything will be ok.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.pmpnonline.com/Realization_of_Anima.jpg

Friday, August 6, 2010

1


It’s been a year since I started this space. All I want is to let all out what I hid from world where I belong. With the fear of not being accepted as normal, this blog has been my breathing space – my refuge. No pretence, no fabrication, no make belief. Not fearing of what people might think because to them I only exist within these four corners in cyberspace. What a year so far.


Sometimes things happen right in front of you without you even realizing it. It may take minutes, hours or even months before you become conscious of it. At times, you may not even recognize it at all. Sometimes even if we do see it, there are things we can’t change and the best we can do is to accept it.


When I started this blog, I only intend to share about the past struggles and adventures I’ve been through on my way of accepting myself – that I might be tagged on the category that falls in between the normal orientation the world accepts. Like what I’ve said earlier, things happen. My world starts to fall apart right before my eyes and there’s nothing more I could do but to raise a flag in surrender. This blog turned into my therapy – to cope up and save my sanity.


It was not my intention to bring another drama to the already soap-opera-like filled blogosphere. Nor my intention to gain audiences by ranting about how hard and sad life has become for me. I guess misery attracts people. I’m glad that a lot reached out to offer pieces of advice. I truly appreciate the efforts given to me.


If it weren’t for the readers’ feedbacks and sentiments I might not able to gain my sanity back. I was able to move on and forward. It was hard but I was able to made it.


I’d just like to thank all of you. Another year has come by and still I’m here. I might not able to update on a regular basis but from to time I will. That’s for sure.


Well, Happy First Anniversary to my blog.


Xoxo


The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.vmguru.nl/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/anniversary_1.jpg