Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Scarcity

When I was little I wish that I’d never grow old. Maybe I would be able to play the toys my parents couldn’t afford if I wait a little longer and won’t grow an inch taller. Maybe they could afford a car instead of us 4 riding on a bike as we visit my grandparents. Maybe, just maybe, I my parents could afford to celebrate my birthday in the class just like every single one of my classmates. Maybe they could afford to buy new uniforms instead of us using hand-me-downs. I still recall how badly I wished for that to happen.

Eventually I grew taller. My dad would have us stand with the wall on our backs and measure how tall we’ve grown since the last month. We still couldn’t afford the toys. We still use the same old bike. We still can’t afford to celebrate my birthday in class. And I’m still using hand-me-downs. I wonder why I still grow taller wherein I wish I won’t.

I would not buy food during recess so I could save my baon and would be able to buy the toys we couldn’t afford. Sometimes I would walk for miles from school to our house so I could save it for a new pair of shoes. But no matter how I saved it I still couldn’t afford the stuff that my classmates had.

I envied them. How cool their toys were. How fancy the clothes that hugged them. I could even tell how tasty their baons were when I smelled of them when they happen to passed me by. But time has its own way of making me understand that there’s no way I could ever enjoy what my classmates were enjoying that time. Nasanay na ako, or so I thought.

Then one night, we received a package from dad when he was assigned in Manila. The package was huge and was so heavy. My mom opened it and to our delight, a family computer was safely tucked inside. I was so happy back then. After months and months of staring my neighbor played their family computer I could finally play our own. I remembered how my brother and I were jumping out of joy. That night I finally felt that my wish had been finally granted.

When I was in collage and was granted a scholarship and a stipend that comes with it, I would buy toys and put it in a glass-door cabinet as my collection for everyone to see. I would not play with them. I just take a look at them as a reminder that sometimes you just have to be patient to get what you want. Sometimes work even harder just to get it.

Now I’m quite earning enough and eventually grow tall and obviously not a child anymore. I would still visit toy stores and just stare at the toys inside. Sometimes I would buy some to give it to my younger siblings even if they no longer need it. I realized that it’s me that I’m trying to satisfy more that anyone else.

I would now visit fancy restaurants just to experience what it’s like. Take pleasure in every minute detail of what it can offer my senses.

The child still lurking inside of me craves for that and sometimes I gave in. Sometimes, excess is better than not having what you needed, it would tell me.

Having a childhood like that drives me to try even harder. I may not be rich but I’m living comfortably as of the moment. I’m still working hard to keep the comfort that I’m enjoying now though. You see I’ve been working since 2003 and it is only now that I am able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. It may have taken me that long but I got here after all. My childhood experience would stay as a reminder for me to work hard so I could continue to take pleasure in what I have right now.

I no longer wish not to grow old. Instead, I’d like to wish for the day that I no longer have to work to enjoy the best of what life has to offer.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_122/11716489105Jz0t8.jpg

Monday, October 25, 2010

Betamax

One summer vacation (when we were little), our parents went to some faraway place and won’t be back in three days. The house was completely in our care. Being the kuya I would do the cooking, laundry and house cleaning while my little brother would get the sinampay from the sampayan, wash the dishes and sweep the floor. Then we would either watch tv or play all day.

On the third day, we got so bored that we decided to get our parents’ porn tape and watch it while they’re still away. We set the betamax player and rewinds the tape with our dad’s do-it-yourself wooden tape rewinder.

I pressed the play button and everything went well at first. I remember it all too clearly how our eyes were glued on the tv screen as we see the couple doing there thing to our delight.

Suddenly the pumping stopped and the scene went completely frozen. The player seemed not to be functioning as expected. So I asked my brother to check it out but he declined, “’Yoko nga, ‘kaw na ang tumingin nyan. It was your idea after all.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Fuming with anger, I checked the betamax player myself. I pressed the stop button then the eject button but nothing happened. “Oh Lord,” I told myself. I started to panicked and I didn’t know what to do.

The cartridge was completely stuck inside the player.

“I-open ba natin?,” I asked my brother.

“Hala ka kuya, sinira mo ‘yang betamax. Pauwi na sila mama papaluin ka nyan pagnalaman ‘yan,” my little brother was scarring me and I couldn’t believe it. How he could do this to me. “Bold pa pinanood mo,” he added.

“Gago ka pala eh, nanood ka din naman ah. Nagustuhan mo naman pinapanood ah,” I shouted. I didn’t know what to do first. I have no idea how to fix it.

Then my brother left me and went outside.

“How could he leave me there by myself,” I ask myself. That bastard, “Makuha ko lang ‘tong tape patay ka sa akin pagna-abutan kita,” I shouted hoping he could hear me.

Then I went to the kitchen and looked for a knife that would fit the screw. I unplugged the tv and the betamax player from the power cord and opened the player so I could take the tape out. It was caught between some tiny things inside the player so I carefully remove it by hand. Then screwed the player back and rewind the tape.

I have no idea how I am able to act so quickly that time but I was panicking so I guess my instincts made me do it.

After a few moments, my brother went back with a couple of screw drivers he borrowed from our neighbors. He handed the drivers to me and I smacked his head with it and told him everything has been taken care of.

Then we laugh. We were laughing on my behalf. Thanks for panicking. I was so scared that my parents would find us out watching porn. I was sweating profusely.

From that day on, I told myself not to watch porn with my brother anymore. Ever. And I live happily ever after.
Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.damienriley.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/photo_vcr_betamax.jpg

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Dream


I just want to follow my dream but no matter what I do, I always fell short.

I was very ambitious and would always find my way to get what I wanted – in school.

But when you step out from that microcosm where everything seemed so easy, in reality the real world thinks like a drunkard. It never really cares. You have to find your own way to survive.

Dreams crumble before my eyes. And it bleeds me to death if it only could.

Cried a thousand buckets but tears still flow profusely like the first time. It still hurts me.

From time to time, I’d still looked at my old files. Thinking how hard I tried but never succeeded. I thought I was good. I used to believe in myself. That’s the reason why I flew in here in the first place – to chase my dreams but to no avail.

That maybe the reason by I always moved from one company to another – from job to job. Because it would never make me happy no matter what how hard I try. My heart always belongs to that dream.

Then I turned 27, 11 companies, and yet my dream is still out of reach.

When will I ever learn? I ask myself.

So now my dream is taking a backseat. I’m now taking my new job (on my 12th company after 3 years from my previous and the longest I’d stayed) seriously because I’d like to save and earn enough so I could chase my dream again.

You might ask, why still chase it when you’re earning enough to satisfy you’re every whim?

What if you’d still fail?

I don’t really know why but if I give up life would be meaningless for me then.

I just wanted to feel how it's like to finally fulfill you're dream even if it's just one time.

Oh boy, just want to share. Don’t mind me really. It’s just lonely here that’s why I’m melancholic right now.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qan_l-t2BGc/StkxJEVjsLI/AAAAAAAAAec/KRuJfJVNuu0/s1600-h/Migrate_in_Dream_by_liquidkid1.jpg