Monday, November 22, 2010

Sorry


You told me you were hurt yet all I can do is to listen. I felt so helpless that I can do no more than that. How I wanted to go to that person and smack him right in front of you but we all know that adults don’t do that childish way anymore. For that I am sorry.

Though the lights inside my pad were all turned off, I can see clearly the expression painted in your beautiful face – hurt, betrayed, and helpless. The light from the post opposite my window provided enough light for me to see that.

You sat on the bed with your back on the wall, knees folded together pressed hard against your chest. You stared past the window as you retold what happened. I just let you talk your heart out so you could somehow release the burden you’ve been carrying around. I only respond when needed so not to interrupt you. After you relayed it all you look at me and I tried so hard to conceal the fact that I was hurt too. After all, it’s just a normal response because I love you and that’s the last thing I want you to feel.

Sorry if I can only offer is hug to let you know that you’re not alone.
Sorry if I can only kiss you hoping that you’ll be ok.
Sorry if I can only listen and can do nothing more.
Sorry if I can only smile for you now that you are hurting.
Sorry if I can only sit and stare into emptiness beside you.
Sorry if I can only hold your hand to know that I’ll be here for you.

For this is something you should overcome yourself. But no matter what I’ll be here waiting for you. I know you can overcome this like you always do and become stronger and a much better version of you.

Now don’t fret, everything will turned out ok. Eventually, every thing will. Come here let me hug you tighter this time.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://journal.media-culture.org.au/gfx/sorry-cover.jpg

Sunday, November 21, 2010

N96

Goodbye my friend.

You drowned without a fight. Taking with you all my contact numbers, text messages, photos and videos that I truly cherish.

You’ve been a good friend. Thanks for all the memories I kept with you – forever lost.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.allmobileworld.it/2009/05/06/nokia-n96-firmware-upgrade-20050/

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Rain

The first time I saw him cry put a wound deep within me. I never though fathers are capable of shedding a tear. Not in front of their child, anyway. Do I see weakness in him? Not sure. I listened intently as words flooded out from the silent man I grew up with. His whole body’s trembling as the tears continue to flow.

Finally he said, “Kapag namatay ako ‘wag mo ako ilibing katabi ng mama mo ha.”

I looked at him more keenly as I tried to absorb every letter in each word that made up the phrase he just told me. My mind seemed to refuse to understand and part of me wanted him to repeat what he just said but another part of me told me not to. It would only hurt me and eventually haunt me in days to come.

“Promise ha,” he added.

We were sitting on a wooden chair in the front porch that day. It was near dusk and crows began to fly back to the mountains to evade the setting sun. It’s was oh so quiet except for the irregular sobs my dad generated. I felt so insignificant and so small. Sitting beside my dad with his right arm around my shoulder, I felt helpless – powerless.

I only managed a nod in reply. But I know that my dad felt my answer weren’t sincere he hugged me tighter as if telling me it’s ok. He knew how hard must that be. After all, I am just a little child and my mind can’t comprehend what was happening at that time.

Later that night I heard sobbing outside my window. So I opened the window a little to peek as to who’s making the sound. I saw my mom, her back in front of me with her face on her palms rested on her knees.

“Mom?,” I asked. My heart skipped a beat. The scene before my eyes impaired me intensely it’s hard to breath.

She must not have heard me as she continued to cry.

I went outside to check on her and probably asked her why she’s crying.

“”Nak dito ka lang ha, iwan ka sa dad mo. Bantayan mo siya. Kawawa naman siya kung wala maiiwan sa kanya. Isasama ko kapatid mo,” my mom pleaded.

“Ayoko, sama ako,” was my initial reaction. I don’t know where they’re going but all I know was that I have to go with them. How could she leave me here? I asked myself.

My mom continued as she led me inside the house. I don’t know why they had to leave. I don’t know why dad had to stay. I don’t know many things. After all, I am just a little child and my mind can’t comprehend what was happening that time.

Then she packed our things, went to my mother’s parents taking me and my brother with her.

I knew deep within my heart that no amount of effort will make things as they used to be. It will never be the same again. My little brain told me and my little heart agreed.

Then they got back together.

After so many years, I was disturbed by a late night call. It was my sister-in-law. She was crying on the other line. I can barely make up what she’s trying to say but I already understood.

After all, I am no longer a child. My mind can already comprehend what’s happening. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.

My parents separated and this time I think it’s for good.

My younger self was right. Life was never the same again. Our family was never the same after the first break-up. I may not have understood it before but I remembered it all too well.

Though it hurts me to recall all these things and how our family turned out this way but deep within my heart I knew that it was best this way. Ending up like this somehow ebbed out the pain they caused each other – the pain it caused us all.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://blogs.wvgazette.com/johnmccoy/files/2009/11/rain.jpg

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Stillness

There he goes again. I always find him staring blankly like that. I wonder what he’s thinking about or if he’s even thinking about something. Not blinking an eye for so long. He looks so calm every time. Is it inner peace? Perhaps. If something’s bothering him, clearly it doesn’t show. There he goes again, still.

He’s sitting at the bed’s corner opposite the head rest, his back forming a ‘C’ as he slouch. With both his arms on his sides, leaving creases on the bed sheet. With the laptop in front of him he continue to stare, but not on the screen. Beyond. For how long he’s going to sit there, I still have no idea.

I wonder what befall but I can’t help myself looking at him. His messy hair needs combing. Even a trim will be of great help to tame his shaggy and uneven mane. Looking at his face, I’ve notice that fine lines start to show on the side and under his eyes. Laugh lines are very evident, he must have laugh a lot. His choppy lips need moisture, seriously. I can’t help grinning upon looking at his uneven moustache that he’s trying to grow to make him look a little mature. I must admit, all in all he’s not a bad looking fellow despite of all the flaws I just pointed out.

Then he blinks. Shake his head and apparently take notice of me. Is that a smile I see? I guess. I’m relieved. Seeing him like that he must have thought I think of him as loony while he freezes up. He’s ok after all. I’m glad I didn’t disturb him while he does that. There’s always this urgency in me to come near him and break whatever state he’s in. I think we all need to have that from time to time – all the time in the world for ourselves to stop everything. Then he blinks again and I know everything will turn out right.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image Courtesy of http://stacyjulian.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/stillness.jpg