Thursday, August 25, 2011

Discernment

I'm going through difficult time right now and it has been affecting me in so many ways that I almost want to give up. I'm so glad that my family and my partner serve as an inspiration for me to toughen up and continue on battling my demons. I’m glad that I have God to turn to whenever I feel like I can no longer fight.

I’d like to share this very beautiful prayer that I’ve been reciting for a few days now and it help me in ways that it’s hard to explain. I first got hold of this prayer from the book that I bought entitled “Straight from the heart – a prayer companion” from National Bookstore. I bought this on my birthday because I was so depressed at the time and needed a more powerful way to communicate with God. This book was compiled by
Rev. Fr. Mario Jose C. Ladra.

So here’s the prayer and I hope that someone who’s also going through rough times these days will be able to benefit from it:

Prayer For Discernment
By Joanna O'Keefe

Lord, I feel fragmented
Like a broken pot of clay
I've lost my focus
I've lost my way.

I've poured myself out
I'm drained, I'm dry
I sense a discontent
I can't identify.

I feel rootless
Like a rolling tumbleweed.
Moving, moving
Dizzy from the speed.

I feel like quitting
I feel self-doubt
I'm tired Lord,
I'm worn out.

How can I integrate
My scattered thoughts,
My dreams?
How can I find balance,
Freedom from extremes.

How can I slow down?
How can I release?
There are so many pressures,
How can I find peace?

Quiet,
My child, be still.
Listen to your feelings.
Discipline your will.

Come to the garden,
The secret place we share.
My essence in the Garden,
Come to me in prayer.

Transcend worldly cares.
Seek the kingdom first.
Peace lies within;
It is for me you thirst.

Accept your limitations;
Embrace humility.
Here lies the path to wisdom
And to maturity.

Come to the Garden,
The soul's sweet bouquet.
The flowers of tomorrow
Are in the seeds of today.

TOGETHER we will weed.
TOGETHER we will sow.
TOGETHER we will water.
TOGETHER we will grow.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.google.com/imgres?q=pray&um=1&hl=en&biw=1024&bih=537&tbm=isch&tbnid=urbOVfuKFAaabM:&imgrefurl=http://www.jodilley.com/prayer.html&docid=fgtOPKxs9j9rZM&w=409&h=293&ei=ibVVTrbeFYPTiAKPxc2sCQ&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=94&page=4&tbnh=109&tbnw=129&start=58&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:15,s:58&tx=42&ty=68

Monday, August 15, 2011

2


I’ll make this quick...

It was in Aug. 06, 2009 that I first started writing here and was overwhelmed by the readers’ response to every entry I made. I was on my lowest and this (blog) has been my therapy.

Then after a year, Aug. 06, 2010, I got to meet some of the other bloggers. I gained friends (in them) who were there to cheer me up and made me feel that I am special.

Then came Aug. 06, 2011, and my blog turned 2 (years) already. As you can see, I am not able to update regularly because my job is very demanding and often times I am already exhausted after rendering overtime. Still, I am hoping that somehow, if time permits, I’ll be able to write a thing or two again. Regardless, I am happy that blog survived 2 years of ups and downs.

Thank you all for following and reading my entries.

My dear blog, happy 2nd Anniversary us!!!

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_YMV2WSKmR5Q/TNmPmI1-F8I/AAAAAAAABgI/qUPrL1gz6Rg/s1600/2nd+anniversary.jpg

Monday, July 4, 2011

Promotion

You were all aware that the main reason why I transferred to another company was the fact that my company then was not able to pay us our salary on time. In fact, it took them almost 6 months to pay us. Aside from that, I really wanted to be promoted. However, being a contractual employee won’t give you any change to be promoted to a higher position. Yes, you can have your salary increased but promotion, definitely a no. So that was motivation enough for me to resigned when my current company offered me a job that guarantees promotion after a period of time.

When I was assigned to a project, my current assistant manager (AM) and I had a discussion about expectations and the reasons of my transfer. I was very vocal about the fact that I want an opportunity to become a team leader in two years time. That from my former company that (promotion) was not possible. I was promised that I could get that promotion (in two years) if I were to meet what is expected of me.

I worked hard. God knows that I am not a workaholic but wanting to achieved that promotion driven me to work harder. I’ve had a lot of companies before but I never work as hard as I’ve been working now. Not a single day that I did not render over time. So when evaluation came out I did get a pretty decent result. I was happy thinking that working hard was paying off – was.

Then the career development plan and review came last week and you just can imagine the excitement I had – it was obviously written all over my face. Blah blah blah there goes our discussions among other things that I didn’t really mind because I was looking forward to that promoting discussion part. 1 year down, another year to go.

Then the discussion finally came to that promotion part, the first few words my AM told me almost ruined me but I tried so hard to hide my disappointment but to no avail. It was showing all over my entire body. “Oh about that promotion, I’m afraid I can’t give you that. To be honest there will be no opportunity for that – there is no opportunity for that given the fact how small our team is. Not in 2012, not even in 2015 where our project is supposed to sunset,” my AM told me straight face while I try to retain my composure.

I was silent. So silent that I could hear my blood rushing into my head and I felt light headed. She said a couple of things more but I really can’t figure it much because my mind can’t seem to process what she just said. My mind refused to process it all. I was beyond disappointed. It felt that I was played - that I was given false hope. I was furious. Furious at myself for letting me get fooled again. All I want that moment was to end that conversation. My AM continued to say a couple of things more but my mind was elsewhere.

The reason that I don’t give promises is the fact that I might disappoint someone when I’m not able to fulfill it (promise). I’m not saying that I'm perfect because I had a couple of promises that I broke too. So as much as possible I don’t let people promise me something because it pains me so much when they can’t fulfill their promises. It so (f*cking) frustrating when people break them (promises) because I hold on so much to that promises they gave me. But as usual, the idiot that I am, still holding on when someone promises me something. I’ll never learn. I guess there are things that you’ll never learn.

I felt betrayed. It hurts – still do. I can still imagine the smile my AM was trying so hard to hide or maybe I was just imagining it. My AM could have told me during our first discussion that there will be no opportunity for that so I won’t expect. Nonetheless, it sucks.

Xoxo

The Curios Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://khason.net/blog/teched-eilat-%E2%80%93-day-two-%E2%80%93-i-disappointed/

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Sharing

“I told you last night that I am scared. I am not sure what made me or why. Something came over me and I started telling you about the previous places I used to stay. I don’t know really why, it just felt right telling you about it. I guess it’s something to do with me finding a new place for me – for us. I just let my memory supply what I said to you. Pausing just a bit to absorb the feelings I had that comes with those memories. Some (feelings) came (back) but most to no avail. The future is way ahead of us but I thing somehow that scares me.”

I recalled writing this in the office almost a year ago while looking for a new place for me to transfer.

Xoxo

The Curios Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://janeknight.typepad.com/pick/2009/08/12-best-places-to-get-free-images-for-your-site.html

Monday, May 23, 2011

Undone


Do you ever find yourself trying to write something and somehow when you do your thoughts suddenly disappears? You stared blankly onto your screen at the unfinished sentence for a while before you start pressing that “delete” button. After a while, you’ll try starting a phrase or two but instantly felt uninspired. You feel your sentence is not the right beginning, you don’t know how to end it or you’re completely lost in the middle. Then you hit that “save as draft” button hoping someday when inspiration comes back you’ll be able to finish it eventually which most often you’ll end up completely ignoring it and it’ll remain unfinished –unpublished.

Do you ever find yourself wanting to say something and somehow when you do your thoughts suddenly disappears? You stared blankly at the person in front of you before you open up another topic to discuss to. After a while, you’ll try gathering your thoughts and instantly lost your courage to express it. You feel that you don’t know how you’ll start it the right way, you don’t know how you’ll end it or you feel that you’ll be lost completely in the middle. Then you let it pass for the mean time hoping someday when inspiration comes back you’ll be able to say it eventually which most often you’ll end up completely forgetting it and it’ll remain unsaid –unspoken.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRATXbtOOTNKqEaOC4ki2NQiqR67OMnCoTa7xEwXY5v2F0kbkN3tg

Sunday, April 24, 2011

1st


Happy 1st Anniversary to us.
Happy 12th.
Happy 24th.
Happy Easter.

Thanks for loving me.
Thanks for always being there for me.
Thanks for understanding me.
Thanks for everything.

You made me appreciate life more.
You made me happier.
You made me love and value myself more.
You made a better man out of me.

I may not be the ideal guy but you made me feel like one.
I may not always be there by your side but I always think of you.
I may not be the perfect guy for you but I'm keeping up.
I love you so much.

I'm so happy with you, with us, with what we have and what we don't.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Photo courtesy of TCC.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

ILYSM


It took me a couple of times to redo this post but words seem not enough to describe the reason why I've fallen so deep for you. Words fail me terribly. B, I love you so much.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Photo courtesy of TCC.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Itch

Have you experienced something so itchy that’s hard to ignore? That you tried to brush it off but it still lingers? That no matter how much you scratch, it just won’t go away? That you can’t even pin-point where it’s at exactly?

So you thought you’ll seek help. You’ll ask someone to help you scratch the itch for you. Not just anyone. That someone be someone you could trust. That should be someone who’ll stand by you. After all it’s so personal and not everyone would be willing and could handle it. Who could that be, you think hard.

After countless of attempts, you finally found that one person you could bet your life with. That someone will scratch the itch for you – with no questions ask. You made yourself believe that that person will do it wholeheartedly. And when that person finds the location and why it’s so itchy that person will not change. That person will stand by you. You’ll trust that person and hope that person believes you. And that will make you feel secured.

Then finally, you ask that person to find the itch. You point where the itch might be to serve as a guide even if you don’t know where the itch is exactly. You just felt it somewhere there. So you let that person search for the itch and when the person locates the itch, you hope that that person will scratch, scratch and scratch it for you ‘till it’s gone. You let go, of course. You are no longer afraid even if that person will dig deeper. You let loose and trust the person completely. Then the itch is gone.

What a relief, you tell yourself. The itch is gone. You that that person. Then you look at the person’s eyes then you feel awkward suddenly. Then everything is silent. Then you feel something different – something is not right. Then suddenly you feel shameful of something you are not guilty of – of something that you did not do.

Everything is changing. You may think that it’s nothing and try to brush it off but you can’t deny you feel it.

That everything from that moment forward will be different. That everything will never be the same as it was before.

So you ask yourself now. Is the risk worth it - that although the itch is gone by now, it was replaced by something so much worse? Will you turn back the hands of time and endure the itch by yourself? But then again things already happened so thinking about it would be only a waste of time.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.greensations.com/v/vspfiles/assets/images/itch.jpg

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Cowardice

“You know what? You were right after all,” I told myself. “I am a coward. Funny how long it took me to finally admit it.”

“What made you acknowledge it? Why only now,” asked other self.

“Not really sure. Come to think of it, it never really cross my mind until today.”

“Oh come one, think hard. It must have been triggered by something, that I am sure,” the other self told me with a smirk on his face.

“I just got tired ok. I mean, I used to be carefree and would risk everything just to find answers. Most of the time, things didn’t turn out the way I thought it would be. It’s disappointing but it didn’t stop me from trying another thing that I’d like to do.” I told myself while I stared at my feet and noticed how tired they might have been from being pushed too hard.

“But I can only take this much. After one failure after another and the fact that I’m no longer young makes me think of what will become of me and that uncertainty began to scare me.” I added, still looking at my feet.

“I was with you all through the journey and those failures that you were saying didn’t stop you. Not until now,” the other self pointed out. Still looking straight at me.

“Again, it must be that I am no longer young. That if I still sucked it’ll be my last. I might not survive. That scares me. Only God knows how scared I am right now,” I sighed.

“That age thing really is getting into you now, doesn’t it,” the other self teases me.

“Well sort of, not because of the number though. But mainly because of financial security and stability. I can no longer risk that. If I let my passion rule my life again, then I’ll be carefree and careless again. Then back to zero again,” I replied and this time looks the other self straight on.

“It’s sad how life’s get in the way, you know. I completely understand where you’re coming from. Art is your passion, at one point your life you risk everything to follow it. You were getting good at it but financially you’re getting nothing. If only praises turn into money,” the other self told me as a matter-of-factly.

“You don’t need to rub it in. Can’t you see that I’m sadder than ever?”

“Oh I know that face, you’re actually wanting to risk again, don’t you? OMG, you are seriously thinking about. Tell me I’m wrong,” the other self demanded.

“Yes I am thinking about it but that doesn’t mean I’m going to,” I replied. “You see, I’m in a much better place now. I’m earning well and am able to buy stuffs that I want,” I added.

“For what price? Lack of sleep, perhaps? Not able to see your friends? Not able to do the things you really want?”

“Ok, stop it, I get your point. But this time is different. It’s no longer about myself anymore. I have bigger responsibility than chasing dreams. My sister is going to take up Law. My brother is going to take up Medicine after college and that will be next year already. So I have to save for them. And it’s sad that it took me this long to realize that responsibility.”

If not risking anymore makes me a coward so I could help my family then I guess I am.”

So many disappointments came my way. It’s not going to end there, I know. But the truth is, even if it makes me sad – even if I don’t feel happy most of the time. By just thinking of my family and the ways I could be able to help by staying at my job, I think I’ll be contented. Happy no but contented, yes.”

Unexpectedly, the other self hugged me so tight. For the first time we finally feel for each other.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://badattitudes.com/MT/archives/2007/09/profile_in_cowa.html

Friday, February 4, 2011

Detest

My mom hates one of my best friends. I don’t hate my best friend but I am still hurting of what she didn’t do. The least she could do was informed me or my mom, but she kept her silence.

Do I blame her? If I were on her shoes will I decide to keep my mouth shut too?

I confronted her about it. All what she replied was, “It was nothing.”

I just nodded at her reply and end up being hurt so much more.

How could she said that, when it almost cost my mom’s life and could possibly destroy everything what’s left in our family?

She may have her reasons but I don’t think I’ll be able to accept any of it.

Should I end my friendship with her? I don’t know but since then I already keep my distance, so far away from her as much as possible. Since then, I didn’t return any of her calls and messages.

Ok, I think I hate her.


Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.newsrealblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/broken-friendship.jpg

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Reader

During lunch break I went to National Bookstore to purchase books. The books that I decided to purchase were:

- Lord of the Flies by William Golding;
- Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro;
- Ramayana by Romesh Dutt;
- and The Complete Novels (Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfiekd Park, Emma, Northanger Abbey, Persuasion) by Jane Austen.

When I went to the counter to pay for the books, the cashier asked me, “Babasahin mo lahat yan sir?”

Aba bakit ko pa bibilhin ang mga ‘yan na pagkamahal-mahal at pagkabigat-bigat kung i-di-display lang, gaga,” my subconscious replied.

I just smiled and nod in reply.

Do I look like someone na hindi nagbabasa ng libro? In fairness sa akin, since elementary hanggang college kung hindi man highest lagi nasa top 3 ako sa Reading/Reading Comprehension na subject. Hmp. Hehe sorry for being defensive.

Anyways, I used to let my friends borrowed my books but they tend forget to return most of them so I decided not to lend any of my books anymore. Well, except to my partner, na binibigyan ko pa lol!


Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://paperhanger10.pbworks.com/f/lord%20of%20the%20flies.jpg

Monday, January 31, 2011

Bleakness

Most people that I encountered would often tell me that they like being with me because I’m a huge ball of positive energy – that I inspire them to look at life in a more positive way.

Jeremy* once told me that because of me, the things I told him and the example I set inspire him to speak up and express himself. The once shy developer I first encountered has now become a very confident individual. He thanked me for it and I was glad I inspired him to become what he’s now.

Chari* also thanked me for always being there for her. There was a time when she’s down because she seemed to find it so hard to handle both her career and personal life. And I was there to listen to her and gave her pieces of advice. Now she’s able achieve work life balance.

Even my sister would always seek for my advice whenever she felt down.

However, it seemed that I’ve been so down for the past few weeks. It’s like that I sucked up too much negativity that it drained all positivity within me. It left me almost empty. It’s bothersome if I may say so but I just can’t help it.

Yesterday, unconsciously I was seeking for help. I tried reaching out but as usual nothing came. It’s not that I am expecting anything but it would have been nice.

Later in the afternoon I was glad that my partner insisted on meeting up with me for a jog. It did help a lot. While jogging an inner sense of peace won me over. I was able to think clearly. It’s a small step and it’s so much better than what I expected.

While going back home, my partner seemed to notice my unusual silence. I was asked if there’s something wrong and I replied that I felt sad. One thing that I truly appreciate from my partner is his ability to empathize. Every word he said made me felt that I’m no longer alone.

“It’s one thing to know the problem and it’s another thing to do something about it,” he once told me.

Well as for now there’s no other option but acceptance – of the things that I do not have control with.

My partner stayed a little bit longer and insisted that I should take a nap already. Before I closed my eyes, I apologize to God for even thinking of the possibility of escaping life cross my mind. I didn’t think of committing suicide (if that’s what you’re thinking) but was thinking on how death could possibly end it.

I recalled Parokya’s song Buloy and felt goose bumps all over me. I brushed it off before I finally succumbed to Morpheus invitation.

I’d like to share this which was sent to me by a best friend:

A dreamer's conversation

Dreamer: I'm out of time. I tell myself it will change, in my subconscious, where everything feels so strange.
Subconscious: You have time.
Dreamer: I'm losing this race; I feel like this place, it doesn't feel like mine.
Subconscious: Everything is yours. Nothing is foreign.
Dreamer: I feel as if I'm living inside a dream not made for me.
Subconscious: Everything is made for you here.
Dreamer: The faces stare at me like I'm foreign.
Subconscious: They won't hurt you.
Dreamer: It's my place of comfort, but, it doesn't feel like mine.
Subconscious: Everything is yours.
Dreamer: I used to come here for many years that have past, a refuge, and a safe place away from those who are awake.
Subconscious: No one is awake here.


Xoxo

The Curious Cat
*Not real names to hide true identities.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://k53.pbase.com/o4/93/404893/1/28568100.28568100.001.jpg