Sunday, March 6, 2011

Cowardice

“You know what? You were right after all,” I told myself. “I am a coward. Funny how long it took me to finally admit it.”

“What made you acknowledge it? Why only now,” asked other self.

“Not really sure. Come to think of it, it never really cross my mind until today.”

“Oh come one, think hard. It must have been triggered by something, that I am sure,” the other self told me with a smirk on his face.

“I just got tired ok. I mean, I used to be carefree and would risk everything just to find answers. Most of the time, things didn’t turn out the way I thought it would be. It’s disappointing but it didn’t stop me from trying another thing that I’d like to do.” I told myself while I stared at my feet and noticed how tired they might have been from being pushed too hard.

“But I can only take this much. After one failure after another and the fact that I’m no longer young makes me think of what will become of me and that uncertainty began to scare me.” I added, still looking at my feet.

“I was with you all through the journey and those failures that you were saying didn’t stop you. Not until now,” the other self pointed out. Still looking straight at me.

“Again, it must be that I am no longer young. That if I still sucked it’ll be my last. I might not survive. That scares me. Only God knows how scared I am right now,” I sighed.

“That age thing really is getting into you now, doesn’t it,” the other self teases me.

“Well sort of, not because of the number though. But mainly because of financial security and stability. I can no longer risk that. If I let my passion rule my life again, then I’ll be carefree and careless again. Then back to zero again,” I replied and this time looks the other self straight on.

“It’s sad how life’s get in the way, you know. I completely understand where you’re coming from. Art is your passion, at one point your life you risk everything to follow it. You were getting good at it but financially you’re getting nothing. If only praises turn into money,” the other self told me as a matter-of-factly.

“You don’t need to rub it in. Can’t you see that I’m sadder than ever?”

“Oh I know that face, you’re actually wanting to risk again, don’t you? OMG, you are seriously thinking about. Tell me I’m wrong,” the other self demanded.

“Yes I am thinking about it but that doesn’t mean I’m going to,” I replied. “You see, I’m in a much better place now. I’m earning well and am able to buy stuffs that I want,” I added.

“For what price? Lack of sleep, perhaps? Not able to see your friends? Not able to do the things you really want?”

“Ok, stop it, I get your point. But this time is different. It’s no longer about myself anymore. I have bigger responsibility than chasing dreams. My sister is going to take up Law. My brother is going to take up Medicine after college and that will be next year already. So I have to save for them. And it’s sad that it took me this long to realize that responsibility.”

If not risking anymore makes me a coward so I could help my family then I guess I am.”

So many disappointments came my way. It’s not going to end there, I know. But the truth is, even if it makes me sad – even if I don’t feel happy most of the time. By just thinking of my family and the ways I could be able to help by staying at my job, I think I’ll be contented. Happy no but contented, yes.”

Unexpectedly, the other self hugged me so tight. For the first time we finally feel for each other.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://badattitudes.com/MT/archives/2007/09/profile_in_cowa.html

7 comments:

  1. A difficult situation indeed. How much are we willing to give up? And how sure are we that it's worth it?

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  2. i feel for you. we are caught up with responsibility that we choose to compromise our dreams for it.

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  3. Maybe there is a way to do both? Do art in your spare time? Maybe not as much as you'd want to, but still, I think its better than nothing.

    Oh well. On another note, content sometimes is good enough. Some don't even have that.

    Kane

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  4. I feel for you. I've had the same dilemma for 2 years now, but given my present situation, I might have to do what's practical first.

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  5. "If only praises turn into money." - this is so true. In some situations, praises cannot sustain your needs. Sa Tagalog nga, "Mapapakain ka ba niyan?" But there are things worth doing or worth fighting for even if it doesn't equate to monetary returns. Those are the things that make you who you are.

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  6. i'll always have this high respect, to those who admit that they are not that brave...

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  7. Love this post! I can totally relate. I too have struggled with doing what I'm passionate about and doing what's pragmatic. Having to deal with age and risk only compounds the issue. I came upon a conversation from "Heroes" which helped me to sort out what I needed to do.

    Mr. Linderman: You see, I think there comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning.
    Nathan Petrelli: I'd like to think I have both.
    Mr. Linderman: Can't be done. Two very different paths. I mean, to be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present. And with no thought of what's gone before, and no thought of what lies ahead. But a life of meaning... A man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future. And my guess is that you've done quite a bit of obsessing about yours these last few days.

    New reader here. Love your blog.

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