Monday, January 31, 2011

Bleakness

Most people that I encountered would often tell me that they like being with me because I’m a huge ball of positive energy – that I inspire them to look at life in a more positive way.

Jeremy* once told me that because of me, the things I told him and the example I set inspire him to speak up and express himself. The once shy developer I first encountered has now become a very confident individual. He thanked me for it and I was glad I inspired him to become what he’s now.

Chari* also thanked me for always being there for her. There was a time when she’s down because she seemed to find it so hard to handle both her career and personal life. And I was there to listen to her and gave her pieces of advice. Now she’s able achieve work life balance.

Even my sister would always seek for my advice whenever she felt down.

However, it seemed that I’ve been so down for the past few weeks. It’s like that I sucked up too much negativity that it drained all positivity within me. It left me almost empty. It’s bothersome if I may say so but I just can’t help it.

Yesterday, unconsciously I was seeking for help. I tried reaching out but as usual nothing came. It’s not that I am expecting anything but it would have been nice.

Later in the afternoon I was glad that my partner insisted on meeting up with me for a jog. It did help a lot. While jogging an inner sense of peace won me over. I was able to think clearly. It’s a small step and it’s so much better than what I expected.

While going back home, my partner seemed to notice my unusual silence. I was asked if there’s something wrong and I replied that I felt sad. One thing that I truly appreciate from my partner is his ability to empathize. Every word he said made me felt that I’m no longer alone.

“It’s one thing to know the problem and it’s another thing to do something about it,” he once told me.

Well as for now there’s no other option but acceptance – of the things that I do not have control with.

My partner stayed a little bit longer and insisted that I should take a nap already. Before I closed my eyes, I apologize to God for even thinking of the possibility of escaping life cross my mind. I didn’t think of committing suicide (if that’s what you’re thinking) but was thinking on how death could possibly end it.

I recalled Parokya’s song Buloy and felt goose bumps all over me. I brushed it off before I finally succumbed to Morpheus invitation.

I’d like to share this which was sent to me by a best friend:

A dreamer's conversation

Dreamer: I'm out of time. I tell myself it will change, in my subconscious, where everything feels so strange.
Subconscious: You have time.
Dreamer: I'm losing this race; I feel like this place, it doesn't feel like mine.
Subconscious: Everything is yours. Nothing is foreign.
Dreamer: I feel as if I'm living inside a dream not made for me.
Subconscious: Everything is made for you here.
Dreamer: The faces stare at me like I'm foreign.
Subconscious: They won't hurt you.
Dreamer: It's my place of comfort, but, it doesn't feel like mine.
Subconscious: Everything is yours.
Dreamer: I used to come here for many years that have past, a refuge, and a safe place away from those who are awake.
Subconscious: No one is awake here.


Xoxo

The Curious Cat
*Not real names to hide true identities.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://k53.pbase.com/o4/93/404893/1/28568100.28568100.001.jpg