The moment my partner told me about Frank Ocean's letter I knew I had to share it too. I don't have to say something about the letter because it speaks clearly about what he's gone through but it hit me big time. Hope you'll enjoy it too.
The Curios Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of Frank Ocean's Tumblr.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Monday, October 8, 2012
"Love is a commitment of the heart that will stand the test of wavering emotions, intellectual rationalizing, circumstantial allure, hormonal infatuation, and even the wounds of your lover. Anything less is not true love." - Closing Cycles By Paolo Coelho
The moment I woke up I knew that today is going to be something special. I got my phone and read all the messages I received while I was sleeping. There were a few but I opened your message first. “See you later…” and “labyu so much…” were the words you wrote to me and it made me so happy.
I was kind of expecting these words from you but it always excites me to actually read them. And yes, it made me really happy.
Just like during Christmas, you see, you knew that your parents are going to give you presents and yet it made you wonder if they’re really going to give you one even though you already knew that you’re going to get one. You sit by the Christmas tree patiently waiting for the clock to turn 12 and when it did you jump out of joy chanting “can I open my gift now” repeatedly.
When your parents handed you your present you rip off the wrapper excitedly to see what you’re going to have. And when you see what’s inside you were happy because you got what you expected to be getting. So when I opened your message, even though I already knew I’m going to get these words from you, it still lifts me off my feet when I finally got to read those words I always long to hear and will never get tired of hearing or reading over and over again.
My day started right just like how I wanted it to be. I had a few things in mind that I had hoped to accomplish. And I was not sure what to do first. Should I do the laundry first or clean my pad. Should I unpack my clothes from my luggage or buy an extra mattress first. I end up cleaning the pad and although it took me almost the entire day, I’m not done yet.
I was not able to do the other things on my list but it is ok. I can always do it some other time.
Then my phone rang and I was hoping it was you who are calling. And it made me happy that it was actually you. Hearing your voice, that distinct tone and vitality that only you have, took all the exhaustion I went through while cleaning.
Even though I already knew that we’re going to meet later today, I was waiting for you to say it, “See you later.” And you did, as expected and it made me happy as if I didn’t know already.
So after you call, I headed to the shower to look extra special because I knew that today is going to be great. I let the water soak me completely. There something about taking shower that relaxes me. Hearing and feeling the continuous flow of water falling from the showerhead to your body somehow revives me. Or is it water in general?
I remember when I was little that I’d stay very long inside the bathroom. I would turn on the faucet and let the water fill the bucket and listen to the sound it generated. And when the bucket is filled, I’d pour some of the water out so the water can fill up the bucket again. It helps me to relax – the sound that is. It helps me to think clearly and take me to places I’d never been before. Then I would daydream of things that I’d hope to see and accomplish. I’d daydream of some achievements that I’m going to achieve and date the girl that I had a crush on.
Now that I remembered, I think the bathroom is my favorite part of our house. You see, we live in a very small house and I have to share the bedroom with the entire family. I was envious with our house help because she had her our bedroom while I had to share mine with the rest of my family.
It’s the only place where I can be myself – the bathroom. I would stare at the four corners of the bathroom for hours and create pictures and stories by connecting dots and bumps on the walls. I sometimes wet some parts of the wall to create a different picture from the last time. I see things and maybe, unconsciously, I’m training myself to be creative.
I sometimes throw water up to the ceiling to mimic rain. But it’s not rain and I knew that because the water that drops from the ceiling that touches my skin is warm, hot even, unlike rain. Maybe that’s why I like it more.
After sometime, I’d get back to reality and shampooed my hair. Then I put soap on my face and massage it with an electronic brush that I got from pro-active. It was the first time I use it. And it felt really good. The brush supposed to massage your face and exfoliate it so that the muscle can relax, the blood can circulate and the pores unclogged.
It was indeed relaxing so I massage my face with it avoiding the eye area because that was what written on the instructions. After 2 minutes or so I turned the brush off and wash my face and hair. I touched my face and it’s so smooth. I can’t help feeling really good. I’m so glad I bough it.
You see I don’t have a flawless skin. I used to, like we all used to, but I had chicken pox on my second year in college. I had it all over my body and worst, I had it all over my face. I felt terrible. I can’t even bear to see my own face in the mirror. At some point, my mom even told me that I had a face even a mother could not love. Ouch. It’s terrible really. It traumatized me and my confidence sank with the Titanic ship.
Admit it, it doesn’t have to take a genius to know what people are thinking when they see my face.
It was summer vacation and I don’t want to go back to school. I was so ashamed of it and I was blaming my classmate for bringing me to his apartment when he knew that his nieces were having chicken pox. (But I still forgave him though).
How can I join showbiz now? I once told myself. Haha, really when I was young I thought of becoming an action star like Ramboo, Robo-Cop and Jet Li. It was all over. And I’m happy that I got over it.
I used so many products just to get rid of my chicken pox scars. I spent almost all of my stipend from my scholarship grant just to buy products to get rid me of it. Thank God, I find one, my Holy Grail and saving grace – Extraderm light. But it was discontinued and I got sad but it did wonders to my face. My face is not flawless but most of the scars are gone now. And my mom loves me again. I think she never stop loving me in the first place. It is just her way of saying how sad she is for me.
I’m not vain but after going through that stage I learn to take good care of what’s left of me.
Then I put soap on my entire body, I didn’t exfoliate my body because I had rashes that I got from my trip to Canada and it’s bad. Then I wash my entire body. And towel it dry.
I am always excited to brush my teeth. I got this new electronic brush that I got from duty free and I am always excited to use it. Aside from my skin one of my biggest insecurity is my small set of teeth. Well first of all, my teeth were all small but I love my tooth gap. It’s not pearly white. You told me that some anti-biotic that I took when I was small might cause it that way. I even ask my mom if I had taken anti-biotic when I was small and she said yes.
No matter how hard I tried cleaning it or how frequent I visit the dentist, still I don’t have those pearly white teeth that I’ve wanted to have. I spend lots of money bleaching it but to no avail. All efforts were for naught.
Anyway, what I love about this brush is that I can feel each tooth and clean each tooth. What took me so long to purchase this kind of brush? Oh I remember it’s because I can’t afford it back then.
After brushing I take time to gargle a handful of mouthwash to make sure that I don’t have a bad breath. I don’t have those pearly white teeth so I don’t want to have a bad breath too.
I remember when I was in high school and I had this classmate who talks a lot. He annoys most of my classmates so he got bullied a lot because of it. I felt sorry for him. He had no friends, actually he had one but he only sees him after school when no one is around. I befriended him because I felt bad for him. He was ok actually and was talented too. He always draws Jesus’ face. Maybe he thinks that other than Jesus he had no one – at least that’s what I think. But I am going to change that I once told myself.
One time while I was walking all by myself two of classmates went up to me and told me to tell my new friend that he had the worst bad breath and it smells really bad that the whole campus were suffocating. So I told him about it and he didn’t talk to me again until 2 years ago when he promises to sponsor our high school reunion and he didn’t. Maybe it’s his revenge to the entire batch. I think it’s not just the bad breath thing why he shut himself off.
He’s ok now. He has a great career and has many friends to spend his life with.
Well right now, I know this person who has a bad breath and some of his friends were laughing behind his back. They told me that when they’re inside the car they had to open the windows so they won’t suffocate by the smell.
Oh God I hope no one reads this part, maybe no one will because this is a lengthy one. Well, they didn’t exactly tell me not to tell this but it goes without saying that I should not tell a soul about it. But part of me want to (tell that person about it) but I didn’t have the courage to tell him upfront because he might be offended and get mad at me. Probably he will but isn’t it your duty to tell him about it? So he can do something about it? I don’t know really.
My aunt used to tell me when I told her that I had this very beautiful classmate in high school but she had bad breath and that I didn’t know how to tell my classmate about it. My aunt told me to tell her these: “I know what you had this breakfast, dog shit.” And my aunt and I were laughing so hard. Of course, I didn’t tell my classmate what my aunt suggested.
Back to that guy with bad breath and his friend had to open the car windows every time they’re in it story. He’s a good fellow. Very intelligent and charming. And it’s not his fault to have it I think. I want to keep our friendship so I’m afraid to tell him upfront. My ex-boyfriend once told me that some bad breath comes from the intestine and not because he doesn’t brush his teeth or anything. One remedy, my ex told me, is to eat celery or cilantro to get rid of it.
Well one time when I got the chance to have coffee with him. I ask him about the food he loves eating. I ask if he likes vegetables and without blinking an eye he told me no. I told him to try eating celery at least. It’s good for the stomach. He said he’d think about it. I was happy knowing that he’d try.
After brushing I went to face the mirror and check what wonders the face brush gave my skin. My pores shrink a bit and my white heads were all gone now. I was happy with the result and so I glad it got it. I had to let you try it.
Then I clean my face with facial lotion that my mom introduced me to and put my favorite moisturizer on. I had a very oily skin and whenever I put moisturizer on my face turn into a grease pan like there’s an oil spill or something happening to my face. I wonder if other people experience it too. I mean I wanted to put on moisturizer because I think it helps. Most of my batch mates in high school and college look really old already. They look way older beyond our age group. And I didn’t want to look that way. I know eventually I’ll have wrinkles and crow’s-feet and all but if I can put a hold to it I will.
Then after the moisturizer sets, I spray my face with anti-shine mist. Apply lip balm on my lips and spray breath spray inside my mouth. I don’t comb my hair and I just let it dry naturally. It looks better that way, not too polished just the right kind of way.
I mentioned awhile ago that I have rashes all over my body so I need to apply this kind of lotion that will help me get rid of it. I know it’s sticky but I have to use it.
While we’re in Canada, I told my friend about the rashes and she told me that it’s normal there because the air is really dry and the water is so cold. I told her that it looks really bad and show her my butt and my back. She just laughs at me and told me that I was a guy so it doesn’t really matter anyway. But I felt differently, I felt that it does matter and I have to do something about it. You know what I mean; it just doesn’t feel right at all. I’m not going to let the entire world to see it but I didn’t have to because I know that it just doesn’t feel ok. These girls should know better but apparently they don’t care as long as it doesn’t happen to them.
I put on my underwear and my jeans and I sat at my bed. I was thinking but I’m not really sure what it is all about. I just let my mind wander and look for a topic to think about. Then I let my back hit the bed and close my eyes as my mind wander. I slowly opened my eyes and think about the exchanges of text messages I had with a friend earlier.
I told my friend that I deactivated my twitter account. I told him that I care too much of what others have to say and that I want to please them most of the time and it left me exhausted. I’m tired of it already. That it is better not to know so that I won’t care and stress myself. I easily get affected of other people. It affects my mood and it in effect it affects my entire day.
I also told him that I already got the contacts of most of the people there that I truly care for and cares for me too so it’s better to contact them that way. Truth to be told I am not sure if I’ll reactivate it or not but for now deactivating it is for the best.
I am thinking of other things as well but my mind is carrying me to places I haven’t been before. It is like you are going in an adventure, it’s all dark and blurry and it’s hard to picture out what your mind wants you to see. I am enjoying it. Listening to electronic beats that a former and my favorite blogger made.
That blogger was a former officemate but he was not part of our batch, he came in later to our team. We were seatmates and one time he saw me writing an entry to my blog. He told me that he writes too and he has one. We exchanged links and started reading his.
I was blown away immediately. There is something about he writes that I find very interesting. Not too clever, not too straight to the point but just right to affect your senses. He writes words like butter melting in your palette with a kick of hot tamales. The rawness and juiciness of each phrase felt fresh to my mind as I read it. He describes things so simple and yet so profound like a digest version of wikipedia. He makes me feel the things that he felt when writing it.
I got sad when he decided not to write anymore. I left the company and heared of him no more. Like first love I always keep on returning to his blog. Reading some entry like a student studying for an exam. Even though I know some of his entries already I never got tired of reading them. But I am afraid to read all of his entries because when I do I will remember that he no longer writes anymore and it will make me sad. I don’t want to be sad.
So earlier I googled his name hoping that I might come across his new blog, which I hope he will have but he didn’t, but I came across a facebook page instead. That’s where I found his music. It’s electronic and I like it. Listening to it makes me feel that I am in a Flash Gordon movie or I am traveling in space just like the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. His music is like a yellow brick road or a rainbow that leads me to something new and exciting and to a place which I haven’t been that I really want to go but absolutely have no clue what’s in there.
I think I had a crush on his talent. Yeah, he is very talented. And it doesn’t hurt to say that he’s cute too.
Then my phone rang and got excited because I knew it was you who is calling. You’re calling my other number because the number I usually use have no signal.
Hearing your voice again made me so happy and I am so excited to our date today. I can hardly wait to see you again. After spending 3 months away from you makes me want to make it up to you. You know just like when you tell your mom that you are going home early and you don’t and it got your mom upset and you want to make it up to her by serving her and staying with her all day long until she’s not upset anymore. I mean she’s your mom and you don’t want her to be upset, right?
And you are my boyfriend and I don’t want you to be upset. And you mean the world to me. I think that if you love someone and that person loves you back that person should be your favorite person in the world. Like Charlie, his favorite person in the world is Sam because he loves Sam and somehow Sam loves him back.
I put on my jeans and my polo shirt. Since it’s raining I put on my sweatshirt on top of it. I arrange my collar so it will look nice. Just like Blaine, that gay dude on glee. I really like how the show dresses him up. I like how the layers upon layers of clothes that the show let him wear. And look at those bow ties and the trousers. I know for a fact that a lot of people hate his style on the show because he’s like copying Kurt but I don’t care cause I like it. When I lose weight, which I am working hard on, I’ll probably dress up like him and I’ll try to pile up more layers even if it’s 28°C outside.
I went out and held a tricycle so I could meet you to the agreed place for our meet-up. It was drizzling so after I paid the driver I ran so I won’t get wet. Another tricycle almost hit me. I didn’t stop but a funny thought cross my mind. What if I was hit and died that instant? Well I probably won’t know it and my soul will continue to wait for you. And when you see me you won’t know that I am only a ghost. Then we’ll go on as if nothing happened. We’ll have dinner and we’ll kiss and we’ll hug until you decide to go home. Maybe you’ll know about it the next day. Just the thought of it made me sad. Knowing it will make you sad. It will make my mom sad too and so will my brothers and sister. Yes, my friends too. I don’t know if they will tell dad about it, and if they will he’ll probably cry too. They’ll all cry and will say nice things about me. How I touch their lives and cared for them. But it will not bring me to life, will it? Sigh.
Anyway, the drizzle stopped and I waited for you. And from the corner of my eye I finally saw you. You were smiling. You were wearing this v-neck tee showing how nice your body is. You’re wearing shorts and sleepers. And was carrying a paper bag.
Your smile seems to brighten the gloomy afternoon as if the clouds parted for angels to have a glimpse of you too. There you are, standing in from of me, one of the prettiest creations God had ever made. And I thought that God must have favored me too to deserve someone as beautiful as you. I can’t thank God enough.
Inside the jeepney we talk about small things, small yet important things. Things that I think one should not take for granted. When you talk I always try to listen attentively because you might be saying something other than the obvious. Subliminal messages that I have to catch and decipher. I don’t want to lose you so I’m listening.
I sat closer to you not minding if people will think that they’re something going on between us because we are something and there’s something going special between us. Sometimes I think I have some special power to shut down everything else as if were the only ones who were there. I keep staring at you and I can’t believe that I could love someone as I love you.
We had dinner and I let you order for us. You already know what I like and I trust your taste when it comes to food. I should know that. You love to cook and you cook for me. It’s one of the best feelings in the world where your partner cooks for you. You’ll make sure that you’re doing it right and you’re really good at it. I already told you that, right? You’re not doing it to impress me, that I know for sure, but you’re doing it because you love me. I love you even more because of that. And you’re not only saying that you love me but you really show me that.
I told you that I want you to meet my mom someday. We don’t have to tell her about us but I’ll just introduce you to her as a friend. You said that you wanted to but we should be careful we might slip – I might call you “baby” and you might call me “mahal” in front of her haha.
Then we went to my pad and we do things that lovers usually do – talk some more. (No we did not make love. Even if we did, I probably won’t tell.) You see it irritates me that people has to ask if we had sex or if we finally did it. I just can’t tell them to stop because I think they should already know that it’s rude and I find it really offensive. It’s between lovers and partners and we don’t owe the rest of the world to know that. If I want to share I’ll talk but if I’m keeping my mouth shut then don’t ask.
I have this attitude that I only say “no” once. Apparently that is not enough for some people. Since I no longer resist when they try to do “things” to me they take it as a “yes” where in fact I really meant “no.”
I remembered during the time I broke-up with my first boyfriend a lot of people reached out to me. Since I was hurting then I needed people to help me get through with it. I needed a friend. I found some that I am truly grateful by the way. However, I also found some that unfortunately took advantage of me. I already said “no” but they did it anyway.
I was so mad at them for doing that to me. But I was even madder at myself for letting them. I had this tendency to freeze because it’s just felt like it’s happening again. Just like what happened to me when I was young and being abused again. I felt that it’s an endless cycle, different actors but same acts they’re playing.
I was browsing at the pictures from my camera and converting them from raw files to jpeg while you were busy composing text messages at your phone. I glanced at you from time to time. I get jealous sometimes. I think it’s perfectly fine to get jealous sometimes because I love you. It is ok I think as long as you don’t get overboard. But I really don’t like the feeling of getting jealous. I’m not really a jealous type of a person though. It just happens sometimes. You know that, right?
I told you that I’d accompany you later when you get home. But I suddenly felt sleepy already. It was pass 2 am when you finally decided to go home. I wanted you to stay longer but it’s ok because it’s late and I was sleepy too. You asked if I still want to accompany you and I said yes. I really do want to go with you.
I have this weird kind of attitude that if a person really means a lot to me I will try my best to accompany that person as long as that person needs me even if I am already exhausted and sleepy or ‘til I blacked out. Because sometimes when I need a friend and no one’s there for me it hurts and it feels like no one cares for me. And it’s a terrible feeling. Awful. And I don’t want others to feel that way too. And I don’t want to be the cause of it. But like every one else there are days that I can’t be there for a friend even if I want to. So I understand that sometimes no one’s going to be there for me.
When I am sad and when I am alone I tend to watch a movie alone or drink all by myself. Then for a moment I will forget that I am sad. I will forget that I am alone. I will forget that no one cares. We do need to escape sometimes especially when it’s really hard to bear things. But after the movie or when I am already sober I feel sad again. It’s just temporary. Just like putting band-aid, it covers the wound for a while but you know it is still there.
So I accompanied you and we bought siopao first because you told me that it has been a while since your last one. I told you to ask for the thicker sauce since I like it more than the usual sauce. You said you would and you did. My stomach suddenly felt wrong. I don’t know why it did. And it started to drizzle so I did not accompany you to your house. I think it ok since I was already sleepy and my stomach was acting up again.
I just walked going back home that night. I was so happy because I got to spend this Saturday with you. And I already told you that this day would be a special day and it was. It was more that I could ever hope for.
I was able to hug you once again and I know that it was real and you even hugged me first. You hugged me oh so tightly. And it felt good, really good. It made me feel that you really want me back again and that you are letting me be part of your life again. I was so happy. I am loved.
I was able to kiss you again. You have the softest lips ever that touches mine. And I was so happy because now that we are together and as long as it stays that way, which I really wanted to and will work hard for, mine will be the only one that will ever kiss yours.
The point of all of these is that this Saturday is special because I got to spend it with you. And every single day that you spend with me will always be something extra special. You are special to me and I will give you the love you truly deserve and more.
The Curios Cat
P.S. Photo is courtesy of thatonerule.com
Saturday, October 6, 2012
"As much as I don't understand my mom and dad and as much as i feel sorry for both of them sometimes, i can't help but love them very much." - THE PERKS OF BEING A WALLFLOWERXoxo
The Curious Cat