The Cat Loves Curiosity

Discernment

2011-08-25T10:58:00.001+08:00

I'm going through difficult time right now and it has been affecting me in so many ways that I almost want to give up. I'm so glad that my family and my partner serve as an inspiration for me to toughen up and continue on battling my demons. I’m glad that I have God to turn to whenever I feel like I can no longer fight.

I’d like to share this very beautiful prayer that I’ve been reciting for a few days now and it help me in ways that it’s hard to explain. I first got hold of this prayer from the book that I bought entitled “Straight from the heart – a prayer companion” from National Bookstore. I bought this on my birthday because I was so depressed at the time and needed a more powerful way to communicate with God. This book was compiled by
Rev. Fr. Mario Jose C. Ladra.

So here’s the prayer and I hope that someone who’s also going through rough times these days will be able to benefit from it:

Prayer For Discernment
By Joanna O'Keefe

Lord, I feel fragmented
Like a broken pot of clay
I've lost my focus
I've lost my way.

I've poured myself out
I'm drained, I'm dry
I sense a discontent
I can't identify.

I feel rootless
Like a rolling tumbleweed.
Moving, moving
Dizzy from the speed.

I feel like quitting
I feel self-doubt
I'm tired Lord,
I'm worn out.

How can I integrate
My scattered thoughts,
My dreams?
How can I find balance,
Freedom from extremes.

How can I slow down?
How can I release?
There are so many pressures,
How can I find peace?

Quiet,
My child, be still.
Listen to your feelings.
Discipline your will.

Come to the garden,
The secret place we share.
My essence in the Garden,
Come to me in prayer.

Transcend worldly cares.
Seek the kingdom first.
Peace lies within;
It is for me you thirst.

Accept your limitations;
Embrace humility.
Here lies the path to wisdom
And to maturity.

Come to the Garden,
The soul's sweet bouquet.
The flowers of tomorrow
Are in the seeds of today.

TOGETHER we will weed.
TOGETHER we will sow.
TOGETHER we will water.
TOGETHER we will grow.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.google.com/imgres?q=pray&um=1&hl=en&biw=1024&bih=537&tbm=isch&tbnid=urbOVfuKFAaabM:&imgrefurl=http://www.jodilley.com/prayer.html&docid=fgtOPKxs9j9rZM&w=409&h=293&ei=ibVVTrbeFYPTiAKPxc2sCQ&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=94&page=4&tbnh=109&tbnw=129&start=58&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:15,s:58&tx=42&ty=68

2

2011-08-15T22:27:00.002+08:00

I’ll make this quick...

It was in Aug. 06, 2009 that I first started writing here and was overwhelmed by the readers’ response to every entry I made. I was on my lowest and this (blog) has been my therapy.

Then after a year, Aug. 06, 2010, I got to meet some of the other bloggers. I gained friends (in them) who were there to cheer me up and made me feel that I am special.

Then came Aug. 06, 2011, and my blog turned 2 (years) already. As you can see, I am not able to update regularly because my job is very demanding and often times I am already exhausted after rendering overtime. Still, I am hoping that somehow, if time permits, I’ll be able to write a thing or two again. Regardless, I am happy that blog survived 2 years of ups and downs.

Thank you all for following and reading my entries.

My dear blog, happy 2nd Anniversary us!!!

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_YMV2WSKmR5Q/TNmPmI1-F8I/AAAAAAAABgI/qUPrL1gz6Rg/s1600/2nd+anniversary.jpg

Promotion

2011-07-04T00:17:00.011+08:00

You were all aware that the main reason why I transferred to another company was the fact that my company then was not able to pay us our salary on time. In fact, it took them almost 6 months to pay us. Aside from that, I really wanted to be promoted. However, being a contractual employee won’t give you any change to be promoted to a higher position. Yes, you can have your salary increased but promotion, definitely a no. So that was motivation enough for me to resigned when my current company offered me a job that guarantees promotion after a period of time.

When I was assigned to a project, my current assistant manager (AM) and I had a discussion about expectations and the reasons of my transfer. I was very vocal about the fact that I want an opportunity to become a team leader in two years time. That from my former company that (promotion) was not possible. I was promised that I could get that promotion (in two years) if I were to meet what is expected of me.

I worked hard. God knows that I am not a workaholic but wanting to achieved that promotion driven me to work harder. I’ve had a lot of companies before but I never work as hard as I’ve been working now. Not a single day that I did not render over time. So when evaluation came out I did get a pretty decent result. I was happy thinking that working hard was paying off – was.

Then the career development plan and review came last week and you just can imagine the excitement I had – it was obviously written all over my face. Blah blah blah there goes our discussions among other things that I didn’t really mind because I was looking forward to that promoting discussion part. 1 year down, another year to go.

Then the discussion finally came to that promotion part, the first few words my AM told me almost ruined me but I tried so hard to hide my disappointment but to no avail. It was showing all over my entire body. “Oh about that promotion, I’m afraid I can’t give you that. To be honest there will be no opportunity for that – there is no opportunity for that given the fact how small our team is. Not in 2012, not even in 2015 where our project is supposed to sunset,” my AM told me straight face while I try to retain my composure.

I was silent. So silent that I could hear my blood rushing into my head and I felt light headed. She said a couple of things more but I really can’t figure it much because my mind can’t seem to process what she just said. My mind refused to process it all. I was beyond disappointed. It felt that I was played - that I was given false hope. I was furious. Furious at myself for letting me get fooled again. All I want that moment was to end that conversation. My AM continued to say a couple of things more but my mind was elsewhere.

The reason that I don’t give promises is the fact that I might disappoint someone when I’m not able to fulfill it (promise). I’m not saying that I'm perfect because I had a couple of promises that I broke too. So as much as possible I don’t let people promise me something because it pains me so much when they can’t fulfill their promises. It so (f*cking) frustrating when people break them (promises) because I hold on so much to that promises they gave me. But as usual, the idiot that I am, still holding on when someone promises me something. I’ll never learn. I guess there are things that you’ll never learn.

I felt betrayed. It hurts – still do. I can still imagine the smile my AM was trying so hard to hide or maybe I was just imagining it. My AM could have told me during our first discussion that there will be no opportunity for that so I won’t expect. Nonetheless, it sucks.

Xoxo

The Curios Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://khason.net/blog/teched-eilat-%E2%80%93-day-two-%E2%80%93-i-disappointed/

Sharing

2011-06-09T18:16:00.001+08:00

“I told you last night that I am scared. I am not sure what made me or why. Something came over me and I started telling you about the previous places I used to stay. I don’t know really why, it just felt right telling you about it. I guess it’s something to do with me finding a new place for me – for us. I just let my memory supply what I said to you. Pausing just a bit to absorb the feelings I had that comes with those memories. Some (feelings) came (back) but most to no avail. The future is way ahead of us but I thing somehow that scares me.”

I recalled writing this in the office almost a year ago while looking for a new place for me to transfer.

Xoxo

The Curios Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://janeknight.typepad.com/pick/2009/08/12-best-places-to-get-free-images-for-your-site.html

Undone

2011-05-23T13:36:00.003+08:00

Do you ever find yourself trying to write something and somehow when you do your thoughts suddenly disappears? You stared blankly onto your screen at the unfinished sentence for a while before you start pressing that “delete” button. After a while, you’ll try starting a phrase or two but instantly felt uninspired. You feel your sentence is not the right beginning, you don’t know how to end it or you’re completely lost in the middle. Then you hit that “save as draft” button hoping someday when inspiration comes back you’ll be able to finish it eventually which most often you’ll end up completely ignoring it and it’ll remain unfinished –unpublished.

Do you ever find yourself wanting to say something and somehow when you do your thoughts suddenly disappears? You stared blankly at the person in front of you before you open up another topic to discuss to. After a while, you’ll try gathering your thoughts and instantly lost your courage to express it. You feel that you don’t know how you’ll start it the right way, you don’t know how you’ll end it or you feel that you’ll be lost completely in the middle. Then you let it pass for the mean time hoping someday when inspiration comes back you’ll be able to say it eventually which most often you’ll end up completely forgetting it and it’ll remain unsaid –unspoken.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRATXbtOOTNKqEaOC4ki2NQiqR67OMnCoTa7xEwXY5v2F0kbkN3tg

1st

2011-04-24T23:51:00.006+08:00

Happy 1st Anniversary to us.
Happy 12th.
Happy 24th.
Happy Easter.

Thanks for loving me.
Thanks for always being there for me.
Thanks for understanding me.
Thanks for everything.

You made me appreciate life more.
You made me happier.
You made me love and value myself more.
You made a better man out of me.

I may not be the ideal guy but you made me feel like one.
I may not always be there by your side but I always think of you.
I may not be the perfect guy for you but I'm keeping up.
I love you so much.

I'm so happy with you, with us, with what we have and what we don't.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Photo courtesy of TCC.

ILYSM

2011-04-06T01:13:00.003+08:00

It took me a couple of times to redo this post but words seem not enough to describe the reason why I've fallen so deep for you. Words fail me terribly. B, I love you so much.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Photo courtesy of TCC.

Itch

2011-03-28T11:12:00.006+08:00

Have you experienced something so itchy that’s hard to ignore? That you tried to brush it off but it still lingers? That no matter how much you scratch, it just won’t go away? That you can’t even pin-point where it’s at exactly?

So you thought you’ll seek help. You’ll ask someone to help you scratch the itch for you. Not just anyone. That someone be someone you could trust. That should be someone who’ll stand by you. After all it’s so personal and not everyone would be willing and could handle it. Who could that be, you think hard.

After countless of attempts, you finally found that one person you could bet your life with. That someone will scratch the itch for you – with no questions ask. You made yourself believe that that person will do it wholeheartedly. And when that person finds the location and why it’s so itchy that person will not change. That person will stand by you. You’ll trust that person and hope that person believes you. And that will make you feel secured.

Then finally, you ask that person to find the itch. You point where the itch might be to serve as a guide even if you don’t know where the itch is exactly. You just felt it somewhere there. So you let that person search for the itch and when the person locates the itch, you hope that that person will scratch, scratch and scratch it for you ‘till it’s gone. You let go, of course. You are no longer afraid even if that person will dig deeper. You let loose and trust the person completely. Then the itch is gone.

What a relief, you tell yourself. The itch is gone. You that that person. Then you look at the person’s eyes then you feel awkward suddenly. Then everything is silent. Then you feel something different – something is not right. Then suddenly you feel shameful of something you are not guilty of – of something that you did not do.

Everything is changing. You may think that it’s nothing and try to brush it off but you can’t deny you feel it.

That everything from that moment forward will be different. That everything will never be the same as it was before.

So you ask yourself now. Is the risk worth it - that although the itch is gone by now, it was replaced by something so much worse? Will you turn back the hands of time and endure the itch by yourself? But then again things already happened so thinking about it would be only a waste of time.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.greensations.com/v/vspfiles/assets/images/itch.jpg

Cowardice

2011-03-06T23:22:00.002+08:00

“You know what? You were right after all,” I told myself. “I am a coward. Funny how long it took me to finally admit it.”

“What made you acknowledge it? Why only now,” asked other self.

“Not really sure. Come to think of it, it never really cross my mind until today.”

“Oh come one, think hard. It must have been triggered by something, that I am sure,” the other self told me with a smirk on his face.

“I just got tired ok. I mean, I used to be carefree and would risk everything just to find answers. Most of the time, things didn’t turn out the way I thought it would be. It’s disappointing but it didn’t stop me from trying another thing that I’d like to do.” I told myself while I stared at my feet and noticed how tired they might have been from being pushed too hard.

“But I can only take this much. After one failure after another and the fact that I’m no longer young makes me think of what will become of me and that uncertainty began to scare me.” I added, still looking at my feet.

“I was with you all through the journey and those failures that you were saying didn’t stop you. Not until now,” the other self pointed out. Still looking straight at me.

“Again, it must be that I am no longer young. That if I still sucked it’ll be my last. I might not survive. That scares me. Only God knows how scared I am right now,” I sighed.

“That age thing really is getting into you now, doesn’t it,” the other self teases me.

“Well sort of, not because of the number though. But mainly because of financial security and stability. I can no longer risk that. If I let my passion rule my life again, then I’ll be carefree and careless again. Then back to zero again,” I replied and this time looks the other self straight on.

“It’s sad how life’s get in the way, you know. I completely understand where you’re coming from. Art is your passion, at one point your life you risk everything to follow it. You were getting good at it but financially you’re getting nothing. If only praises turn into money,” the other self told me as a matter-of-factly.

“You don’t need to rub it in. Can’t you see that I’m sadder than ever?”

“Oh I know that face, you’re actually wanting to risk again, don’t you? OMG, you are seriously thinking about. Tell me I’m wrong,” the other self demanded.

“Yes I am thinking about it but that doesn’t mean I’m going to,” I replied. “You see, I’m in a much better place now. I’m earning well and am able to buy stuffs that I want,” I added.

“For what price? Lack of sleep, perhaps? Not able to see your friends? Not able to do the things you really want?”

“Ok, stop it, I get your point. But this time is different. It’s no longer about myself anymore. I have bigger responsibility than chasing dreams. My sister is going to take up Law. My brother is going to take up Medicine after college and that will be next year already. So I have to save for them. And it’s sad that it took me this long to realize that responsibility.”

If not risking anymore makes me a coward so I could help my family then I guess I am.”

So many disappointments came my way. It’s not going to end there, I know. But the truth is, even if it makes me sad – even if I don’t feel happy most of the time. By just thinking of my family and the ways I could be able to help by staying at my job, I think I’ll be contented. Happy no but contented, yes.”

Unexpectedly, the other self hugged me so tight. For the first time we finally feel for each other.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://badattitudes.com/MT/archives/2007/09/profile_in_cowa.html

Detest

2011-02-04T15:07:00.000+08:00

My mom hates one of my best friends. I don’t hate my best friend but I am still hurting of what she didn’t do. The least she could do was informed me or my mom, but she kept her silence.

Do I blame her? If I were on her shoes will I decide to keep my mouth shut too?

I confronted her about it. All what she replied was, “It was nothing.”

I just nodded at her reply and end up being hurt so much more.

How could she said that, when it almost cost my mom’s life and could possibly destroy everything what’s left in our family?

She may have her reasons but I don’t think I’ll be able to accept any of it.

Should I end my friendship with her? I don’t know but since then I already keep my distance, so far away from her as much as possible. Since then, I didn’t return any of her calls and messages.

Ok, I think I hate her.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.newsrealblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/broken-friendship.jpg

Reader

2011-02-02T14:45:00.002+08:00

During lunch break I went to National Bookstore to purchase books. The books that I decided to purchase were:

- Lord of the Flies by William Golding;
- Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro;
- Ramayana by Romesh Dutt;
- and The Complete Novels (Sense and Sensibility, Pride and Prejudice, Mansfiekd Park, Emma, Northanger Abbey, Persuasion) by Jane Austen.

When I went to the counter to pay for the books, the cashier asked me, “Babasahin mo lahat yan sir?”

“Aba bakit ko pa bibilhin ang mga ‘yan na pagkamahal-mahal at pagkabigat-bigat kung i-di-display lang, gaga,” my subconscious replied.

I just smiled and nod in reply.

Do I look like someone na hindi nagbabasa ng libro? In fairness sa akin, since elementary hanggang college kung hindi man highest lagi nasa top 3 ako sa Reading/Reading Comprehension na subject. Hmp. Hehe sorry for being defensive.

Anyways, I used to let my friends borrowed my books but they tend forget to return most of them so I decided not to lend any of my books anymore. Well, except to my partner, na binibigyan ko pa lol!

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://paperhanger10.pbworks.com/f/lord%20of%20the%20flies.jpg

Bleakness

2011-01-31T14:01:00.003+08:00

Most people that I encountered would often tell me that they like being with me because I’m a huge ball of positive energy – that I inspire them to look at life in a more positive way.

Jeremy* once told me that because of me, the things I told him and the example I set inspire him to speak up and express himself. The once shy developer I first encountered has now become a very confident individual. He thanked me for it and I was glad I inspired him to become what he’s now.

Chari* also thanked me for always being there for her. There was a time when she’s down because she seemed to find it so hard to handle both her career and personal life. And I was there to listen to her and gave her pieces of advice. Now she’s able achieve work life balance.

Even my sister would always seek for my advice whenever she felt down.

However, it seemed that I’ve been so down for the past few weeks. It’s like that I sucked up too much negativity that it drained all positivity within me. It left me almost empty. It’s bothersome if I may say so but I just can’t help it.

Yesterday, unconsciously I was seeking for help. I tried reaching out but as usual nothing came. It’s not that I am expecting anything but it would have been nice.

Later in the afternoon I was glad that my partner insisted on meeting up with me for a jog. It did help a lot. While jogging an inner sense of peace won me over. I was able to think clearly. It’s a small step and it’s so much better than what I expected.

While going back home, my partner seemed to notice my unusual silence. I was asked if there’s something wrong and I replied that I felt sad. One thing that I truly appreciate from my partner is his ability to empathize. Every word he said made me felt that I’m no longer alone.

“It’s one thing to know the problem and it’s another thing to do something about it,” he once told me.

Well as for now there’s no other option but acceptance – of the things that I do not have control with.

My partner stayed a little bit longer and insisted that I should take a nap already. Before I closed my eyes, I apologize to God for even thinking of the possibility of escaping life cross my mind. I didn’t think of committing suicide (if that’s what you’re thinking) but was thinking on how death could possibly end it.

I recalled Parokya’s song Buloy and felt goose bumps all over me. I brushed it off before I finally succumbed to Morpheus invitation.

I’d like to share this which was sent to me by a best friend:

A dreamer's conversation

Dreamer: I'm out of time. I tell myself it will change, in my subconscious, where everything feels so strange.
Subconscious: You have time.
Dreamer: I'm losing this race; I feel like this place, it doesn't feel like mine.
Subconscious: Everything is yours. Nothing is foreign.
Dreamer: I feel as if I'm living inside a dream not made for me.
Subconscious: Everything is made for you here.
Dreamer: The faces stare at me like I'm foreign.
Subconscious: They won't hurt you.
Dreamer: It's my place of comfort, but, it doesn't feel like mine.
Subconscious: Everything is yours.
Dreamer: I used to come here for many years that have past, a refuge, and a safe place away from those who are awake.
Subconscious: No one is awake here.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
*Not real names to hide true identities.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://k53.pbase.com/o4/93/404893/1/28568100.28568100.001.jpg

2011

2010-12-31T19:11:00.001+08:00

Here I am again just like last year – trying hard to recall the moments that made me who I am today. It seemed that my mind refuse to cooperate. I can’t think very well. Memories elude me. It’s like thinking so many things all at once.

I know I’m on my lowest this year. I ended a very long relationship that started wrong but I’m glad it ended right. It’s been rough but I made it through gracefully.

A new love has flourish that help me get back on my feet and help me believe in myself again. It was a love that I hope to last very long. I felt the love and I’m so happy. I’m a work in progress but I’m trying hard to return whatever that is given to me. But one thing is for sure that I’m truly, deeply, madly in love with my partner.

This year I left the company that I stayed the longest. I joined another company that is the complete opposite of the former that left me exhausted everyday. I don’t know how long I am able to last but I’m still holding on.

I also sacrifice a lot this year. I do not know if my sacrifices are all worth it but I have to try. Whatever the outcome may be I’ll accept it even if I’ll fail, at least I tried.

I’ve gained a lot of friends this year. I am very thankful and grateful for that.

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the people who follow, read and comment on my entries. I know that my entries were written not minding the forms and grammars but I hope the messages that I’d like to share find its way to you. I hope that somehow I inspired you and that you’ll learn something from it.

So before I end this entry, I’d like to greet all of you a HAPPY NEW YEAR! I am hoping for the best and may all we have a peaceful, safe and eventful 2011. I still wish you all happiness, contentment and love just like last year.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.maxgladwell.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/04/New-Year-in.jpg

Holidays

2010-12-29T23:52:00.002+08:00

Happy Holidays everyone. This is kind of late but I still want to greet all of you. I just got back from Bangkok. This was actually the first Christmas that our family spent abroad. It was a lot of fun. I almost maxed out my credit card and almost spent all of my savings. But it’s all worth it. Truly a memory I’ll cherish forever.

It’s been a very eventful year for me and thank you all for following and reading my entries.

Again, happy holidays to all of you and I hope that all our wishes will come true before the year ends.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://sdotblog.seattle.gov/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/happy-holidays1.jpg

Sometimes

2010-12-13T15:14:00.000+08:00

I get afraid of being so happy at times because I might feel the complete opposite the next.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRDMU1_nVaQy4XG6z25TY2IY9Kjj62-xfglb2N1_CqNgkuUOcwVN-AT7Hsz

Regularization

2010-12-01T11:56:00.002+08:00

I should be happy. I should be leaping out of extreme joy. My efforts were not for naught after all.

But how come I can’t find any hint of happiness in my heart. As if I was expecting otherwise.

Contentment. Peace of mind. How come they’re very elusive? Intangible.

I guess I am changing. I guess I’m tired. I guess the problem is me. I really don’t know.

So I’ll just have to continue to work, as what my partner told me last night, “that’s work and at the end of the day, it puts food on your plate.” It’s hard to find job that pays me this well.

Mom also told me last night when I vent out my frustrations at work, “if you work for others, you have to work for him and stand by the institution he represents. The same kung ikaw may mga employees din.”

They’re right. And I know it, I just need someone to tell to validate my thoughts.

Well, congrats to me.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

Sorry

2010-11-22T15:28:00.004+08:00

You told me you were hurt yet all I can do is to listen. I felt so helpless that I can do no more than that. How I wanted to go to that person and smack him right in front of you but we all know that adults don’t do that childish way anymore. For that I am sorry.

Though the lights inside my pad were all turned off, I can see clearly the expression painted in your beautiful face – hurt, betrayed, and helpless. The light from the post opposite my window provided enough light for me to see that.

You sat on the bed with your back on the wall, knees folded together pressed hard against your chest. You stared past the window as you retold what happened. I just let you talk your heart out so you could somehow release the burden you’ve been carrying around. I only respond when needed so not to interrupt you. After you relayed it all you look at me and I tried so hard to conceal the fact that I was hurt too. After all, it’s just a normal response because I love you and that’s the last thing I want you to feel.

Sorry if I can only offer is hug to let you know that you’re not alone.
Sorry if I can only kiss you hoping that you’ll be ok.
Sorry if I can only listen and can do nothing more.
Sorry if I can only smile for you now that you are hurting.
Sorry if I can only sit and stare into emptiness beside you.
Sorry if I can only hold your hand to know that I’ll be here for you.

For this is something you should overcome yourself. But no matter what I’ll be here waiting for you. I know you can overcome this like you always do and become stronger and a much better version of you.

Now don’t fret, everything will turned out ok. Eventually, every thing will. Come here let me hug you tighter this time.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://journal.media-culture.org.au/gfx/sorry-cover.jpg

N96

2010-11-21T12:36:00.003+08:00

Goodbye my friend.

You drowned without a fight. Taking with you all my contact numbers, text messages, photos and videos that I truly cherish.

You’ve been a good friend. Thanks for all the memories I kept with you – forever lost.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.allmobileworld.it/2009/05/06/nokia-n96-firmware-upgrade-20050/

Rain

2010-11-09T17:06:00.003+08:00

The first time I saw him cry put a wound deep within me. I never though fathers are capable of shedding a tear. Not in front of their child, anyway. Do I see weakness in him? Not sure. I listened intently as words flooded out from the silent man I grew up with. His whole body’s trembling as the tears continue to flow.

Finally he said, “Kapag namatay ako ‘wag mo ako ilibing katabi ng mama mo ha.”

I looked at him more keenly as I tried to absorb every letter in each word that made up the phrase he just told me. My mind seemed to refuse to understand and part of me wanted him to repeat what he just said but another part of me told me not to. It would only hurt me and eventually haunt me in days to come.

“Promise ha,” he added.

We were sitting on a wooden chair in the front porch that day. It was near dusk and crows began to fly back to the mountains to evade the setting sun. It’s was oh so quiet except for the irregular sobs my dad generated. I felt so insignificant and so small. Sitting beside my dad with his right arm around my shoulder, I felt helpless – powerless.

I only managed a nod in reply. But I know that my dad felt my answer weren’t sincere he hugged me tighter as if telling me it’s ok. He knew how hard must that be. After all, I am just a little child and my mind can’t comprehend what was happening at that time.

Later that night I heard sobbing outside my window. So I opened the window a little to peek as to who’s making the sound. I saw my mom, her back in front of me with her face on her palms rested on her knees.

“Mom?,” I asked. My heart skipped a beat. The scene before my eyes impaired me intensely it’s hard to breath.

She must not have heard me as she continued to cry.

I went outside to check on her and probably asked her why she’s crying.

“”Nak dito ka lang ha, iwan ka sa dad mo. Bantayan mo siya. Kawawa naman siya kung wala maiiwan sa kanya. Isasama ko kapatid mo,” my mom pleaded.

“Ayoko, sama ako,” was my initial reaction. I don’t know where they’re going but all I know was that I have to go with them. How could she leave me here? I asked myself.

My mom continued as she led me inside the house. I don’t know why they had to leave. I don’t know why dad had to stay. I don’t know many things. After all, I am just a little child and my mind can’t comprehend what was happening that time.

Then she packed our things, went to my mother’s parents taking me and my brother with her.

I knew deep within my heart that no amount of effort will make things as they used to be. It will never be the same again. My little brain told me and my little heart agreed.

Then they got back together.

After so many years, I was disturbed by a late night call. It was my sister-in-law. She was crying on the other line. I can barely make up what she’s trying to say but I already understood.

After all, I am no longer a child. My mind can already comprehend what’s happening. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.

My parents separated and this time I think it’s for good.

My younger self was right. Life was never the same again. Our family was never the same after the first break-up. I may not have understood it before but I remembered it all too well.

Though it hurts me to recall all these things and how our family turned out this way but deep within my heart I knew that it was best this way. Ending up like this somehow ebbed out the pain they caused each other – the pain it caused us all.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://blogs.wvgazette.com/johnmccoy/files/2009/11/rain.jpg

Stillness

2010-11-04T15:23:00.003+08:00

There he goes again. I always find him staring blankly like that. I wonder what he’s thinking about or if he’s even thinking about something. Not blinking an eye for so long. He looks so calm every time. Is it inner peace? Perhaps. If something’s bothering him, clearly it doesn’t show. There he goes again, still.

He’s sitting at the bed’s corner opposite the head rest, his back forming a ‘C’ as he slouch. With both his arms on his sides, leaving creases on the bed sheet. With the laptop in front of him he continue to stare, but not on the screen. Beyond. For how long he’s going to sit there, I still have no idea.

I wonder what befall but I can’t help myself looking at him. His messy hair needs combing. Even a trim will be of great help to tame his shaggy and uneven mane. Looking at his face, I’ve notice that fine lines start to show on the side and under his eyes. Laugh lines are very evident, he must have laugh a lot. His choppy lips need moisture, seriously. I can’t help grinning upon looking at his uneven moustache that he’s trying to grow to make him look a little mature. I must admit, all in all he’s not a bad looking fellow despite of all the flaws I just pointed out.

Then he blinks. Shake his head and apparently take notice of me. Is that a smile I see? I guess. I’m relieved. Seeing him like that he must have thought I think of him as loony while he freezes up. He’s ok after all. I’m glad I didn’t disturb him while he does that. There’s always this urgency in me to come near him and break whatever state he’s in. I think we all need to have that from time to time – all the time in the world for ourselves to stop everything. Then he blinks again and I know everything will turn out right.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image Courtesy of http://stacyjulian.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/stillness.jpg

Scarcity

2010-10-26T18:33:00.002+08:00

When I was little I wish that I’d never grow old. Maybe I would be able to play the toys my parents couldn’t afford if I wait a little longer and won’t grow an inch taller. Maybe they could afford a car instead of us 4 riding on a bike as we visit my grandparents. Maybe, just maybe, I my parents could afford to celebrate my birthday in the class just like every single one of my classmates. Maybe they could afford to buy new uniforms instead of us using hand-me-downs. I still recall how badly I wished for that to happen.

Eventually I grew taller. My dad would have us stand with the wall on our backs and measure how tall we’ve grown since the last month. We still couldn’t afford the toys. We still use the same old bike. We still can’t afford to celebrate my birthday in class. And I’m still using hand-me-downs. I wonder why I still grow taller wherein I wish I won’t.

I would not buy food during recess so I could save my baon and would be able to buy the toys we couldn’t afford. Sometimes I would walk for miles from school to our house so I could save it for a new pair of shoes. But no matter how I saved it I still couldn’t afford the stuff that my classmates had.

I envied them. How cool their toys were. How fancy the clothes that hugged them. I could even tell how tasty their baons were when I smelled of them when they happen to passed me by. But time has its own way of making me understand that there’s no way I could ever enjoy what my classmates were enjoying that time. Nasanay na ako, or so I thought.

Then one night, we received a package from dad when he was assigned in Manila. The package was huge and was so heavy. My mom opened it and to our delight, a family computer was safely tucked inside. I was so happy back then. After months and months of staring my neighbor played their family computer I could finally play our own. I remembered how my brother and I were jumping out of joy. That night I finally felt that my wish had been finally granted.

When I was in collage and was granted a scholarship and a stipend that comes with it, I would buy toys and put it in a glass-door cabinet as my collection for everyone to see. I would not play with them. I just take a look at them as a reminder that sometimes you just have to be patient to get what you want. Sometimes work even harder just to get it.

Now I’m quite earning enough and eventually grow tall and obviously not a child anymore. I would still visit toy stores and just stare at the toys inside. Sometimes I would buy some to give it to my younger siblings even if they no longer need it. I realized that it’s me that I’m trying to satisfy more that anyone else.

I would now visit fancy restaurants just to experience what it’s like. Take pleasure in every minute detail of what it can offer my senses.

The child still lurking inside of me craves for that and sometimes I gave in. Sometimes, excess is better than not having what you needed, it would tell me.

Having a childhood like that drives me to try even harder. I may not be rich but I’m living comfortably as of the moment. I’m still working hard to keep the comfort that I’m enjoying now though. You see I’ve been working since 2003 and it is only now that I am able to enjoy the fruits of my labor. It may have taken me that long but I got here after all. My childhood experience would stay as a reminder for me to work hard so I could continue to take pleasure in what I have right now.

I no longer wish not to grow old. Instead, I’d like to wish for the day that I no longer have to work to enjoy the best of what life has to offer.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://thumbs.dreamstime.com/thumblarge_122/11716489105Jz0t8.jpg

Betamax

2010-10-25T15:54:00.004+08:00

One summer vacation (when we were little), our parents went to some faraway place and won’t be back in three days. The house was completely in our care. Being the kuya I would do the cooking, laundry and house cleaning while my little brother would get the sinampay from the sampayan, wash the dishes and sweep the floor. Then we would either watch tv or play all day.

On the third day, we got so bored that we decided to get our parents’ porn tape and watch it while they’re still away. We set the betamax player and rewinds the tape with our dad’s do-it-yourself wooden tape rewinder.

I pressed the play button and everything went well at first. I remember it all too clearly how our eyes were glued on the tv screen as we see the couple doing there thing to our delight.

Suddenly the pumping stopped and the scene went completely frozen. The player seemed not to be functioning as expected. So I asked my brother to check it out but he declined, “’Yoko nga, ‘kaw na ang tumingin nyan. It was your idea after all.”

I can’t believe what I’m hearing. Fuming with anger, I checked the betamax player myself. I pressed the stop button then the eject button but nothing happened. “Oh Lord,” I told myself. I started to panicked and I didn’t know what to do.

The cartridge was completely stuck inside the player.

“I-open ba natin?,” I asked my brother.

“Hala ka kuya, sinira mo ‘yang betamax. Pauwi na sila mama papaluin ka nyan pagnalaman ‘yan,” my little brother was scarring me and I couldn’t believe it. How he could do this to me. “Bold pa pinanood mo,” he added.

“Gago ka pala eh, nanood ka din naman ah. Nagustuhan mo naman pinapanood ah,” I shouted. I didn’t know what to do first. I have no idea how to fix it.

Then my brother left me and went outside.

“How could he leave me there by myself,” I ask myself. That bastard, “Makuha ko lang ‘tong tape patay ka sa akin pagna-abutan kita,” I shouted hoping he could hear me.

Then I went to the kitchen and looked for a knife that would fit the screw. I unplugged the tv and the betamax player from the power cord and opened the player so I could take the tape out. It was caught between some tiny things inside the player so I carefully remove it by hand. Then screwed the player back and rewind the tape.

I have no idea how I am able to act so quickly that time but I was panicking so I guess my instincts made me do it.

After a few moments, my brother went back with a couple of screw drivers he borrowed from our neighbors. He handed the drivers to me and I smacked his head with it and told him everything has been taken care of.

Then we laugh. We were laughing on my behalf. Thanks for panicking. I was so scared that my parents would find us out watching porn. I was sweating profusely.

From that day on, I told myself not to watch porn with my brother anymore. Ever. And I live happily ever after.
Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.damienriley.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/photo_vcr_betamax.jpg

Dream

2010-10-17T22:10:00.006+08:00

I just want to follow my dream but no matter what I do, I always fell short.

I was very ambitious and would always find my way to get what I wanted – in school.

But when you step out from that microcosm where everything seemed so easy, in reality the real world thinks like a drunkard. It never really cares. You have to find your own way to survive.

Dreams crumble before my eyes. And it bleeds me to death if it only could.

Cried a thousand buckets but tears still flow profusely like the first time. It still hurts me.

From time to time, I’d still looked at my old files. Thinking how hard I tried but never succeeded. I thought I was good. I used to believe in myself. That’s the reason why I flew in here in the first place – to chase my dreams but to no avail.

That maybe the reason by I always moved from one company to another – from job to job. Because it would never make me happy no matter what how hard I try. My heart always belongs to that dream.

Then I turned 27, 11 companies, and yet my dream is still out of reach.

When will I ever learn? I ask myself.

So now my dream is taking a backseat. I’m now taking my new job (on my 12th company after 3 years from my previous and the longest I’d stayed) seriously because I’d like to save and earn enough so I could chase my dream again.

You might ask, why still chase it when you’re earning enough to satisfy you’re every whim?

What if you’d still fail?

I don’t really know why but if I give up life would be meaningless for me then.

I just wanted to feel how it's like to finally fulfill you're dream even if it's just one time.

Oh boy, just want to share. Don’t mind me really. It’s just lonely here that’s why I’m melancholic right now.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qan_l-t2BGc/StkxJEVjsLI/AAAAAAAAAec/KRuJfJVNuu0/s1600-h/Migrate_in_Dream_by_liquidkid1.jpg

Villain

2010-09-26T03:29:00.004+08:00

Yes guys... You are reading and following a bad person...

"kakalimutan kita ***...dahil sobra hurt dinanas ko syo.."

"so isang request....dont text me na ha at burahin mo na no ko sa cell mo....dahil paano kita mkakalimutan kng one day magtxt ka.."

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://www.liquidmatrix.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/villain.jpg

Ex

2010-08-30T23:23:00.003+08:00

It took me a while to finally admit that I no longer feel the same for you.
It took me a while to finally admit that I’m holding on for the wrong reason.
It took me a while to finally admit that I’m blinded by the idea of us.
It took me a while to finally admit that I can’t lose you because you where never mine to begin with.
It took me a while to finally admit that I can’t fight for something that no longer exists.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to let you go and bid goodbye to you.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to leave you and stand up for myself.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to accept we’re thru so I can finally move on.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to love you no longer and start to love myself again.
It took me a while to finally have the courage to move out and start building a home with my new love.

******

Goodbyes were never my cup of coffee
It’s inevitable and when things end
One had to utter the word
Most of the time a whisper will do
Most often it’s I who received it
But this time around
It’s my time to say it to you
Goodbye and live well for your sake

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.mseddesign.com/templates/default/elements/X.png

Notebook

2010-08-24T18:32:00.003+08:00

It’s heavier than I though. Slowly building up and stinging ‘til I can no longer take it. I blinked. Then a drop fell from my eye. I stiffened because people might see it. Then I remember I was wearing my Wayfarer. So I let a river pour down from my eyes. It’s heavy still and my heart began to pound harder as I sob.

Earlier, I was browsing through my drawer and carefully checking the documents I collected since 2003 – the first time I set my foot in the Metro. From receipts to withdrawal slips and from curriculum vitae’s to contracts, they were all there. Stack and stack of papers collecting dust from the years of abandonment.

Memories from a not so distant past came flooding. Refreshing me from what took place from before, each of them gives me a recollection. It’s like an old film has been playing inside my head only I can see myself playing the lead role.

I tried to remember the places I went to and the people I’m with. The smell of the coffee and the taste of the food. The conversation I had and the feelings involved in the encounter. It was such a nice feeling. How far have I gone – from being that thin who wants to make it big in the urban jungle to this corporate slave who learned to fall in and fell out of love. I realized how well I remember them all considering the fact that memorization bores me to the core.

Then I saw the notebook. I pick it up, removed the dust and sat down by the bed’s edge. I slowly opened the last page browsed it backwards. I stopped when I encountered the first entry I had about someone whom I’d loved:

“Kala mo siguro hindi ako nasasaktan
Pero ang totoo unting-unti gumuguho ang mundo ko.
Mahal kita, mahal mo ako pero mas mahal mo siya.
Hinayaan kita kase gusto ko lang na lumigaya ka.
Sa bawat nakaw nating mga sandali ay ang mga
Panahon(g) ako ay parang dinuduyan at inaangat sa langit
Gusto ko na iyon ay di na matatapos pero
Lahat ay may katapusan @ kailangan mo nang
Bumalik sa kanyang mga kamay @ damhin ang
Init ng inyong katawan sa higpit ng inyong mga yakap.”

I gazed upon my handwriting. The tiny penmanship was made possible by a 0.1 G-Tech pen. It was my favorite pen, which I usually used in drawing and sometimes, in writing my journal.

It was a 9 paragraphed entry I had on that notebook. I had written the date on the topmost part of the page. I wrote 4/11/2005 so I’ll remember in case I’ll come across it again – which I did today.

You see it was wrong from the start. I had no idea that it will come to that. Me being the third party was not on my “to do” list before I die. I had no idea at first. Then when I already fell hard, it was all revealed to me. He was going to use me as a temporary replacement because his current partner was going to work. And will eventually leave me hanging when his partner comes back.

I was naïve and careless. Letting myself be fooled by the person I thought who loved me back.

I browsed through the notebook again – paragraphs upon paragraphs of how I felt that time. Each entry was full of love, full of pain yet full of hope. Then I came across the page where reality slapped me hard like a brick fallen flat at my face from the heaven to wake me up from dreaming.

I remember all so clearly why I had written those words that woke me up from the delirium. These were the words I received that night:

- I want you to entertain suitors & have someone else aside (from) me.
- So that if I won’t be there, you(‘ll) have someone to share time with
- Eventually you(‘ll) find (out) that you love the other person and won’t be hurt when we broke up
- If *** came back soon then it would be impossible for me to communicate nor see you
- I am concern with you
- Kung ayaw mo o cge bahala ka
- ‘Wag mo lang ako sisisihin
- Kase ang pinakaayoko ay yung kinukunsensya ako
- 1/8 lang yan sa lungkot na mararamdaman mo
- Kase nag-usap na kami na in case mawala man mga magulang nya ay kami na dalawa ang bubuhay sa kapatid at anak nya.

I closed the notebook after reading that entry. My heart grew heavier but I did not entertain the thought. After all, it happened more than 5 years ago. So I continued on browsing the other documents. Taking the ones that I still need and leaving the rest inside the drawer.

It was almost 9am so I prepared myself for work.

Inside the bus, the notes I’ve read earlier linger in my head – waking up dead emotions that I tried so hard to forget. Now, inside the bus the pain came back. Hit me so hard which left me exhausted.

It’s heavier than I though. Slowly building up and stinging ‘til I can no longer take it. I blinked. Then a drop fell from my eye. I stiffened because people might see it. Then I remember I was wearing my Wayfarer. So I let a river pour down from my eyes. It’s heavy still and my heart began to pound harder as I sob.

I close my eyes and I say a little prayer. Then I realized that it not about the pain why I cried. It was about the love I gave and was thrown away. It was not wasted though because I learned a valuable lesson in the process.

I watchfully wiped away the tears and I stood up – making my way out of the bus and head straight to the office. The drama is long over. Now I am happy with the person that I believe loves me back truthfully and wholeheartedly.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9Um6_5nIHEI/TDHstZgF6qI/AAAAAAAAD8M/lCJQJI3-oSU/s1600/notebook.jpg

Recognition

2010-08-10T12:38:00.003+08:00

I gazed upon the heavens, wandering; my thoughts lead me to the stars that glitter and sparkle upon the black canvass that is the heaven. It seemed that these stars are playing hide and seek right before my eyes inviting me to join them. But I’m not in a mood to play; it’s beyond me right now. I did not respond, instead I continue to stare showing no emotion but something boils deep inside me. They don’t know how lonely I am that night. The heavens must have known I thought, but seeing those stars doing things they are good at, I re-think. Heaven must not know what I truly feel so I lower my head.

With a backpack carefully embracing me from behind I continue to stand there. Waiting. Nothing. Busses come and go that would lead me to me once happy home, passes me by slowly. Opening their doors and warmly greeting me to come in. Tempting but I’m not in a mood for some strangers’ hospitality. They’re not what I look for. I already found my home yet out of reach. I could stand there for eternity I thought, but seeing how late it is already, sooner I have to leave and go home. I laugh, I don’t even know how to call it anymore, and home is no longer an appropriate description.

A drop of water hit my hand (holding my phone). Am I crying? Is it my tear? Why it is cold. Then another drop into my other hand and another follows and soon loads of water drop from all over me. I gazed upon the heaven again, the stars no longer visible. The glitters and sparkles that once were there are gone. Stars no longer play. Rain clouds overshadowed their natural brilliance. It started to rain. I pulled my umbrella from my backpack and covered my self from the million tears the heaven shed for me.

I re-think, again. The heavens did know what I felt. I stand corrected. They are just trying to cheer me up. They even cry for me so I won’t shed a tear.

With that in mind I entered the first bus which opens up its door for me. Welcoming me and leading me to where I need to go – to rest my restless soul.

Then everything stopped. The mirror cracked in front of me. The impact was so strong it woke me up from my trance (can you still call it daydreaming even if it’s still dark, I ask myself and as usual no answer came). The bus hit another bus in front of us. I stayed while the others (passengers) went out and look for another bus to lead them to their destinations. I stayed and I am so still. Everything seemed to move but me.

Finally we (remaining inside) were asked to exit the bus. As I entered another bus I inhaled so deep and when I exhaled, gone with it are my worries and loneliness. I finally recognized (if not fully accepted) that there are things that you can’t control no matter how you want it the other way around. Sometimes you have to go with the flow and let things be as they are. That sometimes you have to wait to get there - to where you are suppose to go. That all difficulties and hardships you are going through are the necessities you have to undergo to arm you for the things to come. I sat down on the nearest empty chair and smiled.

The rain had stopped, the stars played again and I am home – drowned into your voice telling me everything will be ok.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.pmpnonline.com/Realization_of_Anima.jpg

1

2010-08-06T00:47:00.004+08:00

It’s been a year since I started this space. All I want is to let all out what I hid from world where I belong. With the fear of not being accepted as normal, this blog has been my breathing space – my refuge. No pretence, no fabrication, no make belief. Not fearing of what people might think because to them I only exist within these four corners in cyberspace. What a year so far.

Sometimes things happen right in front of you without you even realizing it. It may take minutes, hours or even months before you become conscious of it. At times, you may not even recognize it at all. Sometimes even if we do see it, there are things we can’t change and the best we can do is to accept it.

When I started this blog, I only intend to share about the past struggles and adventures I’ve been through on my way of accepting myself – that I might be tagged on the category that falls in between the normal orientation the world accepts. Like what I’ve said earlier, things happen. My world starts to fall apart right before my eyes and there’s nothing more I could do but to raise a flag in surrender. This blog turned into my therapy – to cope up and save my sanity.

It was not my intention to bring another drama to the already soap-opera-like filled blogosphere. Nor my intention to gain audiences by ranting about how hard and sad life has become for me. I guess misery attracts people. I’m glad that a lot reached out to offer pieces of advice. I truly appreciate the efforts given to me.

If it weren’t for the readers’ feedbacks and sentiments I might not able to gain my sanity back. I was able to move on and forward. It was hard but I was able to made it.

I’d just like to thank all of you. Another year has come by and still I’m here. I might not able to update on a regular basis but from to time I will. That’s for sure.

Well, Happy First Anniversary to my blog.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.vmguru.nl/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/anniversary_1.jpg

Sunday

2010-07-06T16:25:00.002+08:00

I was reading a book I borrowed from you.
You were browsing the internet using my Mac.
My left hand on the book while the other on your left leg.
Your right hand on the keyboard while the other embracing me.
T'was raining outside and we're just killing time.
Exchanging glances and smiles while mouthing words only us understood.
I felt secured, at peace, and loved and I know you are too.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.freewebs.com/itemsforless/31730%20ALAB%20GARDEN%20LOVER%20FROGS%20BENCH.jpg

Moments

2010-07-04T08:11:00.002+08:00

How many times someone took your breath away? Suddenly you forget to breath. Savoring the moment before it'll pass as you exhale.

How many time you lost for words? Words fail you, because something so beautiful just happened right before your eyes. Speechless you become.

How many times your heart pumps so hard? You'd be so afraid it'll jump right out your chest. Being so excited to have someone so special coming for you.

How many times you wish a day won't end at all? It's not perfect but so close to being one. You'll hold onto it so long as you can.

How many times you can't sleep at night? Just by thinking of someone and/or relieving something so dear. Your heart and mind seemed to agree at last.

How many times you caught yourself smiling alone? Feeling so good thinking about someone. Knowing you love and loved in return.

How many times? Countless. And it's all because of you.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://aliceverheij.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/counting.jpg

Newbie

2010-07-02T23:52:00.001+08:00

I woke up with a heavy heart. I felt like a newbie. Not quite really. More of lost. You see I'm new, not new new. But I transferred. Suddenly everything's different. Same but not really. Different faces, different spaces. Bubbles burst openly and suddenly I felt fragile. Blood pumps harder, faster every time. Tried to calm down, impossible. Then I closed my eyes and called up for your help. You took it all out. I suddenly felt light. Good. I'll do my part well, I promised. One day at a time. One task at a time. A second passed turned into minutes. Hopefully time pass and I gain more. Wisdom that is. I slept calmly.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.getoutdoors.com/goblog/uploads/newbie.png

Blanket

2010-07-01T00:00:00.001+08:00

it's late but why I feel that the night is still young, starless sky brings unusual comfort, cold wind passes me that warms my soul, abnormal it may seem but I perfectly feel normal, extraordinaire even, it must be your smile, it must be your kiss, it must be you, I know because I wanted to, so much that I could not think of any better reason than you, happiness is written all over my face, i need no mirror to check my reflection, nor someone to tell me so, any time now, I'll be on my way home but there in your heart is where I truly belong, you see we may not see each other that often, but here in my heart is where I keep you, hush now, I'll be sleeping soon and dream of you, of us, good night for now, tomorrow's another day, I'll always be here for you like you are always there for me

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.candedesigns.com/candedesigns/files/2_5_21_19__available_april_15th_microfiber_baby_blanket_pink.jpg

Tune

2010-06-30T00:01:00.002+08:00

I copied one of your favorite song.
I listened then I smiled.
Then it was high school again.
4th year to be exact.
I was sitting next to a diva.
"You ask how my day was."

I remembered it was Physics my favorite subject.
I was the teacher's fave.
98 all throughout.
They envied me, i used to like it.
Used to.
"You're the best listener that I've ever met."

I never let anyone copy my answers.
They hated me for that, even my friends.
Guess they already used to me being like that.
They accepted me and loved me being just like that.
Like that.
"What took you so long."

Then the song ended.
I'm back to where I am now.
Here right beside you.
Then you looked at me and I melted.
Melted.
"Thanks for your patience."

You asked if I'm ok.
I said never been better.
Then you smiled.
I smiled back.
Satisfied.
"Head over feet."

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://pbskids.org/arthur/games/songbook/images/song_intro.gif

Alms

2010-06-28T21:45:00.003+08:00

I walk pass by you.
no, i pretend not seeing you.
yes, I saw you extend your hands and told me you're hungry.
I'm in a hurry you know.
already late.
I didn't look back.
I say a prayer thanking God for the blessings he showered upon me.
I ask for the man's well being.
I almost look back.
Almost.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://hrocboston.org/assets/images/givinghands.jpg

Stick

2010-06-21T23:55:00.001+08:00

It’s a lazy day and my mind’s wandering about. Back on bed, legs stretch outward. It’s a hot day and I’m still sleepy. Free hands start to crawl. Right hand finds its way inside my shorts. There you go, resting silently old friend. It’s been a while and I miss you so. Fingers start to play slowly patting in circles. Playing hard to get eh. Caressing slowly without choking. After all, I’m not in the mood for bondage. Wakey wakey old friend. Sending messages telepathically. Gleefully it finally responded. I want it up and I want it down and oh so gently. Closes my eyes and think of you. Imagination is a friend for keeps. Temperature starts to rise. Left hand starts to pull the shorts down. Exposing the old friend, it finally breathes freely. I think of you “Wanna take a ride on my disco stick?” Up it goes and down again. Breathe in and out. It’s getting warmer and hotter. Almost there and friend you were smiling. It’s hard, exposing its veins. I moan silently who might not hear of it. Let it go and there it goes. You vomit a lot. I like it. I’m exhausted. Can I sleep now? Thanks my old friend. I can always count on you in times like this. I close my eyes and dream of you. See you later.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image is courtesy of http://etc.usf.edu/clipart/48800/48847/48847_b001_stick_md.gif

Daddy

2010-06-20T15:28:00.003+08:00

Happy father's day dad, even if you no longer want me part of your life... I wish you well...

Oh I still love you dad, despite it all... i forgive you, sadly I won't forget, I just can't...

Not for now, at least...

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.betterphoto.com/uploads/processed/0805/0801300642011dsc04816edit_1_.jpg

Stolen

2010-06-19T12:24:00.001+08:00

“Sa’an ka? Kita tayo,” a text from my bestfriend while walking towards the church.

“Eto papunta ng church, its a Wednesday dba? Teka dba you were suppose to be in HK. D ka natuloy?,” I asked back, almost near the church.

“Naiwan ako ng plane, kwento ko sayo pagnagkita na tayo,” he texted back.

“Ok hehe, kaw talaga. Dito mo na lang ako puntahan?,” I suggested.

“Sige pero sa office ng church tayo kita. Almost there na ako,” it was already almost 8:30 pm.

”Oki doki, sa may right side lang ako ng church, will pray then puntahan kita,” I replied, I tucked my phone in my pocket then I began to pray.

After the rosary I checked my phone and no text from bestfriend. So I texted him instead, “Tapos na ako mag pray, san ka na?”

No reply, it’s been almost 30 minutes so I went to the church’s office right away. No sign of him. I tried calling and yet no response on his line. I began to get worried.

While trying to call for the nth time, I saw him inside the office. He was sweating profusely – like “basing sisiw, literally” tsk tsk tsk.

I approached him while his mind wandering somewhere else.

“Grabe Xtian, nadukutan ako. Malas talaga araw na ‘to,” I felt responsible because I was the one he’s been texting a while ago, the culprit might saw him texting me, “I don’t really care about my SIM but I need the phone. All the info I need for HK and Korea were all there. Tara samahan mo ako sa police station,” he was talking so fast that there’s no time for me to respond. He’s furious, scary. I know how upset he gets and things he might do when in that state.

We asked the guard where’s the nearest police station and we were told to ride a “padyak” going UNIoil.

There, on the padyak, he told me what happened. He was inside the bus, duffle bag in front while he was making his way out the bus. There was this guy in the middle of the way blocking him. It took him a while to make his way out the bus. Then someone told him to check his phone, he did but it was already gone. What’s left of it was the cord hanging by attached to his pants.

The man was nowhere to be seen. His phone, for 3 years, poof, just like that, out of thin air, was gone.

”Hindi ko pa alam number ni yobo* ko,” he told me feebly.

”Alam mo pa ba email niya? ‘Yung gamit niya sa facebook? We could go online and I can leave a message informing him what happened,” I suggested.

“Sige ganun na lang,” he replied while the “padyak” came to a halt.

”’Yun yung police station oh,” mamang driver pointed out the location of the police station.

I handed mamang driver our fare then we proceed to the station.

The police men were all there, they were eating dinner. It was already 9pm. My best friend approached one and told him that we were filing a report about phone being stolen. He informed us to sit while he’ll call for an office to assist us.

A minute past, then two then 10 minutes, not one police men approached us. My temper starts to heat up but upon gazing at best, he seemed determined to report the case so I calmed myself down.

Finally after (probably) 15 minutes past, an officer came.

”Ano ‘to,” the officer asked his fellow police men who were still enjoying the fishy-thing meal with “sabaw” and malungay.

”Magfifile ng ng report daw ‘yan, kanina pa ‘yan,” one shouted back.

”Kanina lang pala ‘to wala man lang nagassist,” he barked back. Eyes began to roll but I hid it, best might saw it.

Then best and the officer were talking. Best relayed what transpire. I was texting my partner about what happened to best. After a few minutes he called. I told him what happened. He was worried, I could tell from his voice. I asked if he could go online and do me some favor. I instructed him what to do and thanked him - sweet of him, very thoughtful.

After the complaint had been filed, I hailed a cab and we went to Crossing.

My phone rang, my partner on the other line told me that he already did what I requested. I thanked him again. I truly appreciate his effort, best asked me to thank him again for him.

Finally we settled at Chowking since best was so hungry already. We were eating while he informed me about what happened at the airport, about his current partner, about life, about lessons it offered.

After getting his partner’s number, I handed him my phone so they could talk.

I noticed that my best face kind of cleared up upon hearing his partner’s voice. Atleast, he’s sort of ok already. Regardless that his day ended so bad, just listening to his partner’s voice seemed to washed away all of it.

Best told me he’s going to be ok and he won’t keep me long because I still have work the next day.

On my way home, I texted my partner informing him that I’m going home already.

While watching the night away, I realized that in times like this, friends do play a vital role. Come to think of it, my best could do it all without my help, but by just being there, telling him that I’ll be there for him all throughout make things (for him) seem easier to bear. Knowing that there is someone whose willing to hold your hand when you’re troubled makes you feels secured – safe.

Having a partner, regardless of the distance, whose always going to be there for you makes things even bearable. Because you know at the end of the day he’s going to stand up for you and welcome you no matter what.

Best’s yobo texted me the next day. Thanking me.

And of course, whether we admit it or not, some policemen are fond of procrastinating things. Panis na ang case and yet they still don’t act. When they finally do, there’s nothing they can do (about it) because ang tagal na nun eh. Sabi pa nga ng officer na kausap ni best, “Wala na din ‘yun.” Yes true enough - thanks for consoling my bestfriend, it helps a lot.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.letsgodigital.org/images/artikelen/109/nokia_n95_zoom.jpg
*Yobo means sweetheart in Korean dialect.

Sattelites

2010-06-14T09:25:00.003+08:00

At last we see the same sun staring back (at us)
Wandering forever at lost not one bit
A tick tock hanging by the second (passes swiftly)
Wall silently bore witness ceaselessly quite
Again but no replay different altogether
Whispers from coast to coast all so loudly

At last the moon shines oh so brightly
Widening horizon a step at a time
A hand holding hand that warms the night
Wry as it may seem when not one search
A meeting (where) the universe conspires
Wonder what befell (reasons) no longer matter

At last the stars sparkle mirror the devoted eyes
Waking up no more fantasies fogging thoughts
Abound with fresh memories dewy day
Walking side by side
A glimpse of things to come
Wheels turning another chapter (again)
A journey has begun (communication continues)

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://members.cox.net/wmckinney1/wallpapr/saturn_family.jpg

Absence

2010-06-12T01:49:00.002+08:00

There were a lot of times when I am about to give up. Just to stop and stare and don’t care. Just to let the moment pass by and letting myself get numb and act as if I’m not affected. However, some parts of me want to fight back and care. Swallowed my fears and head on, regardless of the outcome, what’s important is I try.

I’ve been very occupied lately with so much stuff that I don’t have enough time to sit and write something here in cyberspace. Been juggling creating turnover documents, rush client needs and requests and requirements for my company. It’s prettily exhausting but I try my best to finish a lot of things in a little time. My body’s complaining but as much as I want to leave things be I can’t because my future is at stake.

Good thing is that I’m inspired haha. I forget everything whenever I get the chance to see the inspiration.

Three weeks before this night I was able to finished the entire turnover documents from my previous company including all requirements that I have to finish before they can finally let go of me. Well up to now, there is still no news when they’re going to give me my 2316 and COE (Certificate of Employment). Funny though, they’ve been rushing me to finish all those documents and when I finally did, when I try to ask for COE and 2316 and clearance forms there’s no reply from them.

Anyway, I already started from my company. At first my body find it hard to adjust. Super antok ako the first two weeks. I don’t really drink coffee but for two weeks I’ve been drinking it like water. There were even instances when I had to mix 3 shots of espresso and 1 cup of three-in-one coffee just to wake myself up.

Finally, this week I was able to adjust. I hope so haha.

I’ve been sad since Monday up to Tuesday of this week. I really don’t know why. It was Tuesday when I finally face and assess myself. About what I really want and how to achieve it. I was running then with headphones on my head listening to some dance tunes. I was sweating profusely and then tears starts to flow uncontrollably. Luckily I was sweating else people will notice. After 40 minutes or so I stopped running and tears stopped flowing while my sweat drains away my sadness.

Then I went outside a church and pray. I prayed and gave all my worries to God and let His will be done and as long as I am doing my part without hurting anyone I think I’ll be ok.
So when I finally went back to the office the next day. I am no longer sad. In fact my boss noticed and teased me. Thinking I was inspired, well partly it’s true hehe.

It’s still early to tell but I think I’m going to love this new job and I hope it will stay that way regardless of the trials that will come my way in the future.

Anyway, that’s it for me now. That’s the summary of days where I am not able to update my blog. Sana lang, ibigay na ang clearance, COE at 2316 ko. Please lang.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.learningradiology.com/images/giimages1/gigallerypages/Cong%20Absence%20Diaphragm1.jpg

Palm

2010-05-22T03:34:00.007+08:00

Nahinumduman nko ba katong hapit na gani ko matapos sa elementary na ako na lang diay ang ‘wa pa ka lolo sa amoang batch. Tanan nabuhat na nila. Sa tinuod ra wala man gud ko’y nahibal-an sa mga ana nga butang. Abi nako ang lolo kay iyot, kundi diay magdula man diay sa imo patotoy gamit sa kamot hantod magawasan ka hahahaha.

Usa ka adlaw nagdula mi sa akoa mga amigo ba og alutanay tapos naay niduol sa amoa na silingan mga kaedara ra gud pud namo na nasakpan daw ang amoa duha ka amigo na lalaki na naglolo sa ilalum sa lamesa. Nakuratan man ko kay abi man nko dati na ang lolo kay iyot dili man diay. Unya duha gud to sila ka laki so d dyud pwede na mag-iyot sila. Oo ‘wa pud ko kamao na pwede diay mag iyot ang duha ka laki hahahaha. Unsa pa, late ra dyud ko pirmi ani.

Tapos usa pa pud ka adlaw ba, ulian naman ‘to tapos uso man ang mangaon og binignit pagkahuman sa klase. Tua mi nagtambay mga lalaki nko nga ka eskwela sa payag na gabaligya og binignit. Ginasungog nila akoa usa ka klasmate na sige daw og lolo, tapos kantsawanay ba. Didto na nko nahibal-an kung unsa ang lolo.

Paghuman namo og elementary sa akoa mi lola namuyo sa akoang manghud kay para makalaag og dula pirmi. Didto na nako gitistingan mag lolo. Tsamba pa dyud na ginabuhat ang silong sa balay so wala tawo ngadto so. Akoa dyud gisiguro na walay tawo makakita hahahaha.

Nilingkod ko sa likod sa pader sa may bintana para makit-an nko dayon kung naay muagi ba. Human akoa na gibaba akoa short hantod sa paa, tapos akoa na gidula dulaan akoang patotoy. Human taas baba, taas baba. Naunsa man kay nidako man, mitindog og hasta na mang gahi-a ani. Human lami man diay, giganahan man ko sa akoang gibati. Init akoa paminaw ba na gikan gyud sa akoang sulod sa lawas. Mao na akoa gipas-pasan. Lami gyud kaayo makapiyong piyong pa gyud ko sa kalami sa akoa nabatyagan. Kalami na man ani uy, akoa pa gyud gipaspasan pa gyud hantod na dili nman nko makaya. Nipiyong na lang gyud ko.

Tu-a na gigawsan ko sa unang tulos nko hahahaha. Init siya, pilit pero mura ra man og tubig. Gikapoy ko og maayo. Pero lami kaayo akoang gibati. Akoa na lang gitrapuhan sa akoang t-shirt dayun gitaas na nko ang akoa short. Tapos naisip nko ngano karon lang man nko ni nadiskubre uy. Sagdi lang kay buhaton ko lang utro hahahaha.

Hala ka dira kay naganahan na man ko, maka adik man diay sya. Pirmi na nko ginabuhat hahahaha. Upat o unom sa usa ka adlaw, laliman gud ka. Pero dili na murag tubig mura na og paste hahahaha o elmers glue na nabutangan og tubig. Hahahaha dayun mao na to. Kung mataymingan nga ako ra usa, mag-lolo na dayun ko hahahaha. Adik.

Usahay gani sakit na pero sige ra gihapon kay lami man gud.

Naa pud mga gabi-ona na gina-atik nako akoa manghud kung tapad mi matulog na galindol ba tapos magbukot ko og habol kay murag mahadlok pero ga-lolo na diay to hahahaha. Ambot ra kung nabawo ba 'to siya atoa kay murag man pud na abi niya na galindol gyud hahahaha. Mao 'to pirmi na gyud. Makadako bya siya og patotoy kadugayan ay. Testingi ra gud d pa man huli ang tanan.

Sa makasabot na lang ani hahahaha.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://protaku.com/pics/mastur/nuku-nuku-jerk-off.jpg

Faces

2010-05-20T15:44:00.004+08:00

I’m here by myself sitting by the window side, watching people come and go while writing something that come to mind. One thing about me is that I rarely remember names but I almost (if not always) remember every face I see and the clothes they wear that particular time. Hair styles they sport and sometimes shoes they wear. At the end of the day I try to forget them and hold on to the faces that strike me the most. Then I try to write about it but no words usually equate what I truly feel about my observation, no matter how hard I try.

When I travel, I usually sat by the window. Trying hard not to fall asleep. I would watch the landscape that I passed by and trying hard not to blink because I might miss something - a very bad idea because I always end up becoming dizzy and I usually vomit before the end of the trip.

It’s a different here in the Metro though. Here where everything seemed to pass so fast I tend to sit by the aisle instead so I could get out fast enough before the bus leaves for the next stop. I wouldn’t want to miss my stop, else I would walk a thousand steps to get back to where I supposed to be.

I draw, whatever words fail to express I try to compensate it with my drawings and sketches. I don’t think that I am good with it, but I think it’s fair enough. I remember when I was in school I usually draw my teachers and classmates while listening to lectures. I would draw things with faces that would best illustrate them (I think). My classmates and teachers would end up laughing after seeing my drawings. It would always make me happy. Seeing them happy. Sometimes my drawings would end up printed in t-shirts and cards. I actually like it because they appreciate it.

I always draw people (almost exclusively). I like watching and observing them. Sometimes I caught myself staring at a person for too long and scold myself because he/she might find it rude. I appreciate every detail, every scar, and every line. The eyes speak a lot, I know if they’re sad or if they’re happy. There's something about faces that fascinates me.

I remember a conversation I had with 2 friends. They we’re asking me what I think of a person if I find him handsome or not. Or who’s the most handsome or the least that I know of. I find it hard to answer, not because I’m scared to offend but it’s just hard for me to categorize people by their faces. My friends concluded that I have no concept of what’s handsome or “pangit” at all.

This entry seems to be lengthy already and I don’t even have a plot. It’s just one of the lazy day that I’d like to be by myself because the person I’d like to be with the most can’t possibly be with me at the moment. But regardless how I miss the person terribly, I know there’s a reason why I can’t be with him for now. So I just close my eyes, write something and sketch, after all, I already memorize his face and by remembering him, somehow, it makes me not so sad anymore.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://rgr-static1.tangentlabs.co.uk/images/bau/97803162/9780316287050/0/0/plain/face-forward.jpg

Tested

2010-05-01T04:38:00.004+08:00

I can’t sleep that night. It wasn’t the heat or the noisy neighbors. Not even the small space I had to occupy while sleeping. I was restless and thinking about what I did in the past. In a way, they’re hunting me. Faces materialized before me, bodies I interacted during my exploring days. Then I began counting. One, it was the doctor from not so distant neighborhood. Two, it was the one who played pool. Three, it was the dentist I didn’t like. Four, five… I lost count and finally fell asleep.

“Whatever happens, I’m here…”

Words comforted me and made me more secured. I knew I had to do it, not for anyone’s sake but mine. What makes it scarier is the thought of losing something special - something that makes me happy. I can’t deny the fact that whatever the result might be, that something might change, after all humans tend to cloud their thoughts in times of uncertainties and times of trials, specially when it involves something that can’t be healed – something that could spread and kill. But I trusted these words told to me and instead of being scared I felt an excitement deep inside me telling me that everything will be ok.

“Whatever happens…”

I woke up early that day. Lack of sleep won’t hinder me on pursuing the initial plan. I tried to condition myself to be ready for the test. No matter how I do it, the beating of my heartbeat beats faster each second passed. I can’t deny how scared I am. I’m scared of the test result but nothing is scarier than the thought of losing something special.

As I ascended each step going to the clinic, faces began to reappear inside my head. One, two, three…

“HIV test?,” the nurse asked me when I approached her.

“Opo,” I answered.

“Tara pasok ka and fill-up mo ‘tong form. Maupo ka,” she invited me in.

I accepted the paper and carefully read through what was written on it. I can’t clearly think that time because of fear. I never thought it was that scary. I’m so scared that I can’t even begin to describe it.

It was August of 2009. I was drinking alone finishing a bottle of Jose Cuervo while my ex was doing some University work on his laptop. It was almost empty when I finally went to bed and my ex decided to sleep too. I was not thinking straight and we did it – unprotected.

Months later I found out that my ex were doing it with some other guy – way back before that night. Apart from being mad, fear slowly building up. What if’s and worries came hunting me.

“Hindi ka sure sa age mo sir?,” the nurse asked me.

“Ah kase kala ko year, age pala kaya binura ko ‘yung una,” I lied.

“Sige sir proceed ka dun sa room *** para makunan ka ng blood sample. Bigay mo lang ‘tong paper.”

I accepted the paper and headed straight to the room indicated on the paper.

I’m scared of needles so I had to think of a happy thought while the nurse got blood sample on me.

“Ayan na, hindi naman masakit dba?,” the nurse told me while she put a ball of cotton where she inserted the needle. “Balik ka na dun sa taas para antayin and result.”

Again as I ascended the stairs, my mind counted voluntarily. One, two, three…

While waiting for the result the nurse and I chatted and she told me about stuffs regarding HIV and AIDS. I really can’t think well because the longer I wait the scarier it becomes.

After a few minutes, one guy entered and handed the nurse some papers. Those papers held the result of the test.

“Saan ‘yung kay Chris?,” the nurse asked the guy.

“Wala ba dyan?,” the guy replied.

Hindi ko na yata kaya ang delay, hihimatayin na yata ako.

“Kunin mo ‘yung sa kanya para malaman na natin,” she told the guy while she looked at me.

“May kasama ba STD tests yung sa kanya? Malamang after 2 days pa ‘yun,” the guy replied.

Nako ‘wag naman ganun katagal. One, two, three…

“Oo ‘yung sa STD 2 days pa talaga ‘yun. Pero sa HIV madali lang. Ask mo dun kung ano result ha,” she instructed the guy.

While the guy left us she began talking to me again. About the ABC’s and stuff.

“NR,” the guy informed us after a few minutes.

“Congrats Chris, hindi ka infected ng virus,” the nurse informed me.

Sobrang happy ko and was relieved to finally know that I am free of HIV. Life changing talaga siya. Sana just to be sure have yourself tested na din.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_n8CKTO3MuQg/S2QwMtlvwUI/AAAAAAAAAk8/vgi8xfYngZ4/s400/person_hivtest.jpg

Resigned

2010-04-19T09:24:00.003+08:00

I've been very busy with turn-over documents that I haven't got the chance to read your blog posts lately. As what I've said from the previous post (I had the other month) that I won't be renewing my contract with my company, so this is it guys! Haha. Hopefully I'll be able to finish everything this week because my last working day will be on the 23rd. I'm so excited to finally free myself.

I also got the chance last week to talk to some of my officemates who are dear to me and I was overwhelmed by their response. They started crying and telling me stuffs that really moved me. It almost brought me to tears but I had to compose myself and tried hard not to cry (kakahiya lang ano, ang laki laki ko na tao tapos iiyak haha).

My boss was ok with my decision, after all, she knew that we're not being paid on time since the 3rd quarter of last year. I thank my boss for everything. Without her pressuring me and pushing me to my limits, I would not have discovered things that I am actually capable of doing and achieving. Surprisingly, our talk went really well. She gave me pieces of advice and I can really tell she's happy for me (and my decision to leave).

I am also joining a new company soon, weeeh. Yeap, I'm all excited about transferring, meeting new people and exploring new environment. In fact, last weekend I already signed the new contract and had my medical exam. I also hand them (company HRs) my requirements and documents needed for the transfer.

I also opened up a new savings account to transfer all my savings from my current payroll to my new account. Just a precaution in case there is a need to close my payroll account when I finally moved out from my current company.

Well, It's has been 3 years and the time for me to move out, on and forward has finally arrived. Goodbyes are never easy but we need it to grow into a better person and live a much better life. I remember upon seeing my officemates cry, it saddened me, in fact, for the briefest second, I wanted to take it (resignation) back, but of course, I know myself, once I decided it's final. The process of deciding was the hardest part but once you decided everything follows and it is smooth sailing already.

So guys, wish me luck ha hehe.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://images.google.com.ph/imgres?imgurl=http://www.freefoto.com/images/19/10/19_10_11---Spring_web.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.freefoto.com/preview/19-10-11%3Fffid%3D19-10-11&usg=__ABwJKJC-IH8Tuei0JNmlkvj5J8s=&h=400&w=600&sz=217&hl=tl&start=8&sig2=OxPOi1Z-uQjmheUVl9pAhQ&um=1&itbs=1&tbnid=BDT45J_j4qSAlM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dspring%26um%3D1%26hl%3Dtl%26sa%3DN%26tbs%3Disch:1&ei=RLHLS5uPINGHkQXgp5izBA

Change

2010-03-24T09:14:00.004+08:00

The first quarter of 2010 is about to end yet a lot of things already came to pass Things happened so fast that it left me joggling a lot of stuffs at a time. First there was the break-up and then I lose a lot of weight. My contract in the company is about to end and a lot of opportunities to seek for a better job come knocking at my doorsteps. Going out with friends again and meeting up people is again part of my life. Then I finally move on and I'm taking things slowly this time. A lot of transformations come my way and I'm glad that I'm coping up.

I was 207 lbs before 2009 ends and I realized that I need to do something about it. I decided not to eat rice on the 24th of Dec of last year and haven't taken rice ever since. From 36" I'm down to 32" and I can already wear skinny jeans haha. From XL shirts, small and medium sizes fit me all too well. Friends even offer to help me shop for new clothes hehe. Then I'll hit back to the gym come this April after a month of hiatus for body toning (I have no plans yet to buff myself up though).

The most drastic change however is my hair. From the long silky black hair my hair stylist friend decided to cut it into Korean/Italian style we often see on TV and glossies.

I was with a friend that night and we've been talking a lot of stuffs. I did mentioned what happened to me and my plans for the future. Then I showed him my ID and passport and he told me that I look better with a short hair. I told him that I'm still fat and so used to sport this long hair for so long that it's scary to cut it just like that. Eventually, I got so inspired and finally decided to have it cut that very hour.

I sent a friend an SMS to ask her about my stylist friend's number so I could contact him to give me a hair cut. I received the text and finally able to get hold of the stylist's number. I texted him and finally called him up.

"Hello san ka ba?," asked Ads*, my stylist friend.

"Dito ako sa Ayala Ave., buti gising ka pa," I replied.

"Hellooooo, 3 am kaya nagsasarado ang parlor namin. Ano ba nakain mo at magpapagupit ka sa ganitong oras (almost 1am)?," Ads asked again.

"Wala lang, gusto ko lang pagupit," I replied.

"Goooo. Alam mo ba pano pumunta dito?," he asked me again.

"Hindi e, txt mo na lang sa akin para punta ako dyan," I requested and I ended the conversation.

"Heto na yung address oh," I showed it up to my friend.

"Ah madali lang yan," he told me.

He held a cab for me and gave the cab driver the instructions on how to get there. I thank my friend for inspiring me. I'd really love to hug him but we were in a public place so I just texted him again how I felt.

Ads was already outside when I arrived at the parlor. He greeted me and showed me inside the parlor.

"Ano ba gusto mo gupit? Trim ba?," he asked me.

"Yung pinakita ko sa facebook ko, yung sa wall photos na album," I replied.

"Kaloka ka friend! Sigurado ka? Kala ko trim lang. Teka hihinga muna ako ng malalim. Teka sure ka ba talaga? Hoy mga bakla (referring to the other styling inside the parlor) papagupit daw niya (referring to me) buhok nya," Ads reacted violently while laughing.

"Hala hindi ka ba nanghihinayang dyan?," asked the other stylist.

"Oo nga, sayang naman buhok mo. Dko kakayanin yan pag ako. Paunti-unti siguro pero yung total gupit? Kalerki ka kuya," reacted another stylist.

"O sya, Xtian hali ka na at i-shampoo na kita. Haha kaw talaga," Ads laughed.

I was already sitting in front of the mirror while Ads was preparing my hair. He grabbed the pair of scissors and was already ready to cut it off.

"Teka teka teka… P*tang 'na 'tang na teka...," was all I could ever said.

Ads handed me the hair in a bun he just cut off me. I just received it from him and look at it for a few minutes before looking back at myself in front of the mirror. I almost do not recognize the reflection in front of me. A younger version of me perhaps and I began smiling.

Ads was an expert and I've been working with him for more that a year so I trust him already.

The rest of the people in the parlor applauded me for my courage to finally cut my hair short. It's been more than 3 years and in just a blink of an eye it was all gone - my shiny long black hair hehe.

Ads then took out his phone and took a photo of me with the camera installed in it. We headed to the nearest internet shop and he posted my photo for all our friends to see. The next thing I know, my facebook was flooded with messages of mix emotions from my contacts in facebook.

I texted my friend whom I am with earlier and told him about the hair cut. I even sent him a copy of the photo that Ads took earlier. I can't wait to see him again. I thank him for inspiring me to have it cut off.

We went back to the parlor. As promised I allow Ads to color some of part of my hair (in exchanged of styling it for free) which he told me I could color back to black after a week. Guess what color he put on my hair? Purple, yes it's purple haha.

The next day I had a fever. I don't know really know why but every time Ads cuts my hair I always had fever right after. But the result was always amazing and my hair grows back fast.

The week is almost ending so I could finally color it back to black. Then maybe come April or May I'll sport the hair cut I had back then, just like the one I have on my current passport photo.

Even though I've been through a lot for the past 3 months, I'm glad it all happened. It made me a better person and made me finally smile again.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.malemodelscene.net/

Forward

2010-03-21T15:10:00.003+08:00

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” — Herman Hesse

I knew it was coming, all I had to do was to decide and let go. I never thought it would be so easy. Thinking how to say that I had enough and that it’s all over was the hardest. But to actually face him and tell him how I feel was just a breeze.

It’s been two months since we broke up. The first few days, weeks, the first month even was hard. Having to see him every day was painful to start with, knowing that he cheated on me.

Just like watching your favorite movie and wanting (hoping) that it would have end up differently on the replay, I played what happened to us over and over again inside my head. Analyzing what went wrong or what have I done wrong. There were times when I am with some people but I can’t help thinking about him. I even felt guilty at times (well most of the time).

Then I realized it was not all my fault after all, yes, I do have my shortcomings but I work hard to fill up whatever that is. But no matter how hard you try and how much (or less) you do about it some things are just bound to end.

Then I tried reaching out to my friends again whom I neglected because of revolving my world around my ex-partner. They might not have known what happened to me but they accepted me with wide open arms. I also tried responding to bloggers who were always there to support me along the way. You never know how much these bloggers were able to help me lift up myself away from deepest pit that I’ve been through. I can’t thank my friends and blogger friends enough who have become my family here in the metro

After more than two months I can finally write about my breakup. It doesn’t hurt anymore and I am already ok. I’m actually doing very well, I was even surprise myself.

Now I am starting again, from scratch? Not really because I already have with me some valuable lessons that I learned from the experience. I’m happy though that all I remember now was all the happy part. Well I’m not really a bitter person, I even wish (hope) that my ex will find all the happiness that he wants and deserves. But I am taking one step at a time, and then hop a step if I need to then back a little but definitely I’m moving on forward.

God is really good. He prepared me well. He never left my side, he even gave me something to look forward to.

I think a particular song was right after all, it’s not really how long we held each other’s arms, what matters most is that we loved at all. That way it would be easy to let go, forgive and move on forward.

Now I can finally say that I no longer have romantic feelings for him, love, a little but mostly because we used to be together, other than that wala na. I no longer long for him, I don’t even think of him that often. And that I can assure you and that you don’t have to worry or question at all.

“We might never be friends again but I already forgive you. Thanks for everything.”

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.abanet.org/media/youraba/200712/cb054564.jpg

Drunk

2010-03-12T12:04:00.004+08:00

I had second thoughts whether I’ll be attending the party last Monday night. My friend insisted that I should go, Mimi* is so demanding (at times like a scornful wife) so I had to agree. I don’t want her getting upset and I love her like a sister so I had to gave in.

On my way going to Makati, I received an SMS from a friend informing me that he’s in Makati hanging out at Starbucks. Since it was still 6pm, I decided to meet up with him since my dinner with some friends was set later at 8pm. We chatted for a while. I actually enjoyed hanging out with this friend. We parted ways by 7:45pm I think.

Instead of riding a jeep I walked instead. I headed straight to Greenbelt and waited for my friends to arrive. As usual, they were late. They were 6 of us including a client who was inquiring for our services. The dinner turned out into a business meeting. Our target date of was tentatively scheduled to March 27.

Later on, 5 of us went to the party less the client. I hesitated at first because it was a Monday. Knowing myself, I won’t go home ‘til I’m dead drunk. I had so much to drink that I totally black out. The last thing I recalled was me hugging my girl friend while resting my head on her shoulder.

I woke up on my bed, wearing boxers and still wearing my shoes. I was so dirty. My hands and right shoulder were muddy. I saw my pants, polo and t-shirt inside my bag and they smelled nasty. Apparently, I vomited with me recalling it. My mobile phones were already missing.

Still having a headache, I put on a shirt and went to a nearby pay phone. It was already 11am. I dialed my girl friend’s number.

“Hello,” it was Mimi on the line.

“Ei Mimi, anong nangyari kagabi?,” I asked.

“OMGee Xtian, ang lasing lasing mo kagabi!,” Mimi replied.

“Alam mo ba hindi ko makita dalawa kong cellphones. Hindi ko maalala pano ako nka-uwi Mi,” I told Mimi.

“Haha grabe ka kase. Tinulak mo pa nga si Paul* sa labas ng bar then natumba kayo sa damuhan at asar na asar si Paul sayo. Alam mo ba na sina TJ* at Simon* naghatid sayo kagabi sa Araneta?,” Mimi inquired.

“Tapos daw nung dun na kayo sabi mo daw kay TJ ‘Go away TJ, go away. Please, please, please. I can handle myself’ tapos pinapaalis mo na daw siya,” Mimi continues.

“Wala talaga ako maalaal eh kaya pala may putik yung braso at mga kamay ko,” I sighed.

“Tsaka alam mo ba pinaggagawa mo sa party? Hinalikan mo yung girl na hindi mo kilala at naghalikan kayo sa gitna ng party then dinala mo yung isang bote ng Bacardi sa CR at tinunga mo doon,” Mimi recalled while laughing.

“Tsaka, nanunulak ka sa amin then pinag-smack mo lahat kami haha,” Mimi continued as she laughs.

“Ano? D nga? Wala ako maalala. Last na recall ko hinug kita then nilagay ko ulo ko sa balikat mo. After nun wala na,” I explained.

“Na-possess ka yata. Kase naman hindi ka na kumakain lately sa kakadiet mo kaya nalasing ka tuloy ng bongang bonga,” Mimi laughs as she recalled the incident.

“Nakakahiya Mi, pati sila hinalikan ko? Ano number ni TJ* para kausapin ko?,” I sighed again.

Mimi gave me TJ’s landline number and informed me that Paul texted her to ask if I’m ok. I hang up the phone and dialed TJ’s.

“Hello,” the other line answered.

“Pwede makausap si TJ?,” I inquired.

“Wala siya dito eh, nakaalis na, sino ‘to?,” the person on the other line asked.

“Si Xtian, pakisabi na lang tumawag ako,” I answered.

“Uy, si Simon to hehe,” Simon replied.

“Tang-na tol nawala cellphone ko hindi ko na maalala anong nangyari kagabi nablack-out
na ako,” I informed Simon.

“Oo grabe ka kagabi tol, lasing na lasing ka. Pinaghahalikan mo kami kagabi. Torid kissing kayo ni Mimi haha,” Simon laughs.

“Tae, d nga? Bakit mo naman ako hinayaang halikan ka? Bakit mo din ako hinalikan?,” I asked him.

“Ok lang ‘yun lasing naman tayo lahat dun e hehe,” he laughes at me again.

“Nasarapan ka ano?,” I teased him.

“Hehehehe. Alam mo ban a pagdating natin sa SM cubao ay pina-uwi na ako ni TJ kase kaya ka na daw niya. Tapos ayun sumakay ako ng bus pa Caloocan then nagising na lang ako na nakapark na yung bus at kasama ko na antutulog yung bus driver at konduktor dun haha. Tsaka yung bag ko nalaslasan din pero wala naming nawala. Yung camera at cellphone nandun pa din,” he recalled what happened to him.

“Haha talaga? Adik ka din. Uy ha baka kinunan mo ako ng pictures kagabi,” I asked him, worried.

“Yung mga kuha lang natin as group. Kukunan ko sana kayo nung natumba kayo ni Paul sa damuhan kaso nakatayo na kayo nung na-on ko na ang camera ko hehe,” he relayed.

“Ganun ba? Sige salamat tol ha. Tawag na lang ako ulit para kausapin si TJ sa nangyari kagabi ha,” I hanged up the phone.

I paid for the pay phone and bought 4 tetra packs of juice because I was so thirsty. Maybe I was dehydrated from last night drinking spree. I went back to my room after finishing the drinks.

I had a terrible headache so I decided to nap again. Then I noticed that my ring has gone missing as well. My cell phone chargers were missing too. I sighed and dozed off.

I woke up by some noise when my ex arrived. I just turned on the other side of the bed and went back to sleep. I finally woke up by 9pm. I decided to buy pain reliever for my headache and bought Gatorade to quench my thirst. I ate dinner then went to a nearby internet shop.

I log on to YM, FB, and Twitter and informed my friends about the missing mobile phones. Of course, I didn’t inform them yet what really happened why I lost them. I chatted with some friends before I went home to sleep again.

Last Wednesday, I called Globe and Sun to disconnect my phone numbers. Globe promised to give me a new prepaid SIM for free and any promos I joined and load I had on my lost SIM will be transferred on my new SIM.

Oh I had to omit the “drinking spree” when I retold what happened to me to my bosses, officemates, some friends, clients and family. I don’t want to get into more trouble you know. After all, they just had to know how I lost my phones and why I didn’t report to the office last Tuesday.

Yesterday I had my old mobile phone fixed (it costs me Php 1.8k) and inserted my new prepaid SIM (which Globe gave me for free). Luckily there’s no need to reformat my old phone so all the messages, photos, and contacts I stored there are still available.

Yehey! I can text and call again.

Lesson learned: Don’t drink with an empty stomach especially on a Monday night. Well come to think of it, they actually like kissing me haha.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image is courtesy of http://interact.stltoday.com/blogzone/the-platform/files/2009/11/drunk-driving.jpg
*Not actual names to hide true identities.

Renounce

2010-03-03T13:43:00.002+08:00

There’ll always be challenges along the way, I know that. I am the type of person who doesn’t easily give up, as long as I can still take it, I’ll take it. Even with friends, even if everyone else seems to leave a friend behind I’ll always be the last one to let go. But you see there are also battles that you should know and recognize (and accept) that are not worth fighting for anymore. You just have to let go and move on to the next challenge that life has to offer.

It was summer of 2007 when I finally realized that my love for art is not enough for me to sustain my stay here in the metro. Less than Php 1K a week of salary doesn’t compensate for the things I needed to spend for myself. I have to pay the rent; need to spend for fare and almost once a day meal. Amazingly, I survived. For almost two years I stayed working in animation industry. I love my job there, imagine drawing all day long and am with people of the same likes and hobbies as I do. It was perfect but not financially (rewarding). My situation is the same for all the artists working in that studio.

Come to think of it, we were lucky compared to other artists working in other studios. We were paid like Php 18.00 to 25.00 per drawings while other studios only pay for Php 12.00 to 14.00 per drawing. Even if you like drawing, but the pressure of drawing a lot in order to have a higher pay when the week ends tires you eventually. Fingers and hands are hurting and deadlines were impossible to meet yet we’re able to make it. Instead of going home, to earn more and to lessen expense in fare, we would stay all week long in the studio and eat instant noodles just to earn more (I lost a lot of weight though hehe).

It took me to realize all these things when our studio finally decided to close. Panicked stricken, a lot of artist began looking and transferring to other studios. We were all divided and separated into different studios around the city. Three of us transferred to Tomas Morato, a small studio but pays better while most of my colleagues decided to work in Pioneer (home to the biggest studio in the city).

Even though the studio I was working pays better but it doesn’t seemed to be the same. I no longer have with me the friends I get to know and love. Gradually it doesn’t seem to be fun anymore. That’s when I finally decided to go back to corporate world. I shifted to programming. Life becomes so much better. IT industry really pays well. You see, I no longer have to eat instant noodles (except for the time I want to remember my friends in animation). I don’t need to worry for the rent and bills I have to pay. I can send money in the province whenever my family needs it. I can watch movies again just like when I was in college. I am not extravagant so I only live according to my needs, so I am able to save some.

I’ve been working here at my present job for almost 3 years now. Even though the pressure work gives me, I am able to handle it pretty well. I love my work here actually, everyday I learn something new and that excites me. There’s always something to look forward to. I’m glad that every moment I’m here I get to live it to the fullest. Then again, another challenge comes my way. The last company that handles our contract was affected by the US economy. The company suffered so much during the recession consequently, it also affects us contractors. Salaries were delayed (two months the longest). Since we love our work here and we like the people we give our services to, it’s really hard for us to let go and resign from this company. It started August last year and up to know the company still owes us a month worth of pay and we don’t know yet when we’re going to get it or if we’re going to receive a pay this coming payday. We already seek help to DOLE but to no avail.

I just realized that it’s not worth working here anymore. No matter how you’d like to understand the company’s situation it’s just so hard. Working everyday under pressure and receiving nothing as compensation will slowly leave you uninspired, drained and hopeless. Again, love for work is not enough. I endured this for 7 long months already but I can no longer take it anymore.

After my contract ends this March, I will no longer renew it, whether I can find a new company to work for or not (don’t roll your eyes just yet Maxxwell, I know I told you to look for a job before quitting which you actually did). It will be hard for me, yes, I might even go back to eating a cup of noodles a day but I’ll take it. At least I will not work for naught. Well, I have still my “raket” as a fall back, even though it’s (pay) not enough but I still have something to earn. My “raket” actually saves me from those times we’re not receiving anything from our company so I think I’ll be ok. Hey I just survived a break-up from more than 5 year relationship so leaving this job would be a piece of cake. How hard can it be?

So guys, this is it. I finally made up my mind. I will no longer renew my contract so better wish me luck, ok? I know God will provide for those who work hard and persevere. I know I’ll be ok.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.freefoto.com/images/41/13/41_13_69---Red-Traffic-Signal_web.jpg

Random

2010-02-15T11:24:00.005+08:00

It was almost dawn when I agreed to join a stranger I just met over a bottle of Red Horse. It was swift just an invitation to go somewhere private. I was already drunk before the stranger joined me and my friend (the strange actually ordered that last round of beer). As my friend sashayed his way into the common restroom I left the bar with the stranger. Bills already been settled so I guess my friend need not to worry, after all, I know he won't mind me ditching him over a lay. The sun is almost up when the spirits began playing tricks on my sub-consciousness.

"I'll go in first and when you receive my text you follow," the stranger instructed me.

No need for me to respond because I already know how to play this game. Not having a place of my own, the mirrored rooms became my playing field - the witness to the exchange of flesh and pleasure of both withering souls.

It was fast - the text message. I cross the street and went inside. The guy from reception area greeted me and I gave him the information I read from the text message. I slither smoothly on my way to where the barter will ensue.

He was already lying there, staring back at me. I carefully closed the door and began undressing. Then it began.

"I love you," the stranger said in the middle of game.

"Ha?," I asked?

"I love you," he repeated.

"Love mo na 'ko?," I asked.

How a stranger could say that to a person whom he just met? How could people, in general, say these words without even meaning it? How could they easily say it just like that? So I played along.

"Pano kung I'm taken na?," I added.

"Ok lang, number two ako," I replied.

I was bewildered. This person seemed crazy; he just said he love a person whom he just met over a beer then willing to be my number two if ever I'm already taken (haba ng hair).

Spirits still lingering and playing tricks on my head so I didn't bother him saying those stupid remarks as I'm trying to relieve my horniness. It's part of the game. No matter how it's been played when both parties reach the pinnacle, both parties win. That's what I love about this game, no one actually loses. Well, that's it if you no investment of emotion involves.

The phone ring while I'm still dozing of. I'm still sleepy so he invited me to come to his place. We dined first at some local Chinese restaurant before heading over to his place.

I was shocked to find out that his room mate was actually one of the people I flirted over the bar last night - small world indeed.

It was a long day. We played a lot at different corner of his pad. Not minding if his room mate sees us.

Later, I went home and send him a text message:

"Sorry but I can no longer see you."

He replied dozens of text messages telling me that he loves me blah blah blah then when he realized I'm not replying or answering any his calls he began cursing me hehe.

So I'm asking again, how could you say you love a person you just met? How could people, in general, say these words without even meaning it? How could they easily say it just like that?

If you like the person or stranger you just met, it doesn't amount to love, right? Like, most likely, but love I don't think so. What do you think?

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://farm1.static.flickr.com/33/58911553_85f201f817_m.jpg

Gateway

2010-02-13T08:42:00.001+08:00

I find it really hard to stare at some strangers I came across whenever I am in public places, simply because they might find it offensive. I always shy away whenever some tried to stare or stare back at me. Maybe that's the reason I haven't develop the art of sensing other person's preference.

One time, I was strolling around Gateway Mall in Cubao while waiting for a text message from a friend whom I got to meet later on, I notice a guy staring at me from afar. I tried ignoring him first but he kept on gazing. I really felt uncomfortable at first but finally decided to gawk back.

He's a Chinese guy, very fair, and a bit skinny. He's not that hot and I don't know, but involuntary I had an erection. Maybe I finally admit it to myself that somehow I find it sexy that someone was looking or let's say that someone was trying to flirt with me at the mall. It was not the first time that someone stared at me but it was the first time for me to look back.

He kind of smile and started to approach me. What I did was I went to the bath room so that I'll kind of get out from that situation. Even though it excites me but it felt really uncomfortable. It felt like I'm about to have a fever. I went inside and noticed that he followed. I went to the farthest urinal but I find it hard to urinate because of my erection.

Then he went inside and he had chosen the next urinal from mine. He looked at me and smiled. I felt uneasy so I hurriedly tuck "it" in and went outside without looking back at him. He still followed me. In the escalator, he was standing a step away from me, awkwardly, I typed my digits on my mobile phone and raised it a bit so he could see my number and hoped he'd saved it. Then I hurriedly went outside the mall.

After a few minutes I received a text from him, I read the message and his name was written on it.

Weeks later, I was alone in some hotel in Manila and had nothing else to do. I texted him and invited him to come over. I guess you already have an idea what happened next, don't you?

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.flickr.com/photos/garmisch/473444067/

Unwritten

2010-02-10T08:41:00.004+08:00

There were times when I felt that my world stops but everyone else kept on revolving. As I stood still, all I see is a blur of everything. I think but not. Time passes me by but I remain.

Every time I passes by the walkway in Ortigas, as the wind swiftly blows my hair and send 'em flying away from me as if trying to escape to gain their freedom, all I see are people worried faces. Stressed. I glanced at the vehicles below me and they stood still, waiting for the green light to move on to where they're heading. They keep on moving while I thought I remain standing still.

Hearing the blind's mind voice make me most sad, sending shivers but I pretend not to see. I look at Mary's image instead and awed by her immensity, helping people before me in keeping their faith but why can't I. People come and go but the voice still lingers.

Ants crawl in one direction, back and forth. People often forget when temptation is abound. Used to care but already get used to it. A wink a nudge let's procreate.

I often caught myself staring blankly into the horizon, pass the building pass the people in front of me. As if I'm on a trance, dancing my way into nothingness. I wake up from this stupor finding myself funny yet hurt.

30 minutes, 45 minutes it doesn't matter. I run, I jog and I flight. Sweat flows profusely. Music playing, DJ's laughing. Escaping. I lift, I lounge, I breath in and out.

As the bus sends me home, it felt like ad infinitum. At least that's what I hope. Home is where the heart is, not. I close my eyes, hoping that tomorrow will be something different but as long as I'm bounded it will never be.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://i.newsarama.com/dcnew/dec09/8/unwritten_tp_vol._1.jpg

Wakeful

2010-02-04T21:20:00.002+08:00

Crowd smiles fade as they get pass you
Time ticks but time stood still
Stuck in the moment will leave us blue
Sparrow stands by for a kill

Morning is breaking the fogs fading
Days’ passing like leaves falling
Deafening silence the beats’ slowing
Chilling the cold and empty being

Blissful faces nearby trance
So close yet so unreachable
Pearls form along with the glance
No one held accountable

Certain dusk comes before darkness falls
Starless sky neon lights blinding
Walking nowhere no one calls
Homeward bound birds chirping

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4519243/restlessLegs-main_Full.jpg

Breakable

2010-02-02T21:16:00.003+08:00

Awaken by the ringing of the alarm clock located in the headboard just above my head. I tried to open my eyes but to no avail. As I am about to succumb to slumber, when I heard the door opened. Again I tried to open my eyes to check who might have opened it, but the door is still closed. I looked at the closet and the sound came from the closet’s door. He got his uniform and carefully slid it as he dashed his way out the room. I reached for my phone and saw the time: it was 6:05 am.

I carefully stood up and fixed the bed before heading to the bathroom to take a bath. I was still sleepy so I decided to jerk off first to fend off the morning stiffness. Then turn on the shower to wash all the nightmares I had the previous night. The water was cold but my body already got used to it. Goosebumps beginning to appear as I let the water run down my already doused body.

I tried recalling and replaying the nightmares visiting me in my forty winks but I can’t seem to do it. All I remember was that I am very thirsty and no matter how many glasses of water I drink, the thirst seemed unquenchable. It’s been bothering me. I tried drinking a lot of water before going to sleep and when I woke up I grab a glassful just to make sure that I’m not dehydrated.

It was already 7:00 am when I’m all made up. So I carefully locked the door before heading to the street and fought my way to an FX ride going to EDSA. FX was not the most comfortable means of transportation but it was the swiftest ride available, well if you own your own car or held a taxi cab that would be much faster but to a commuter like me, an FX ride would suffice.

On my way to EDSA, aside from the sardine can like situation inside, I can’t help but think about my friend who just had his heart broken 3 days ago. Last Friday, I was supposed to meet another friend for some rounds of beer but his officemates didn’t allow him to go just yet so he told me he won’t be able to meet me. Dismayed, I decided to go home already. When I was about to go, I received a text from my other friend. He was asking if I could see him for some drinks. The night was still young and I do want to drink so I decided to meet him.

It’s been months since I last saw him because his schedule became erratic ever since they started provincial tours again to promote their band’s latest single. He was the lead guitarist on some famous local band here. I saw him already stated drinking, he had his hair grow back again and it suited him well.

He waved at me when he saw me. I grabbed a chair and placed my bag on the other empty chair.

“Pre musta? Chopsuey pala para diet hehe,” he greeted me.

“Ok lang naman. Tagal na natin hindi nagkita ah,” I replied.

“Oo nga.”

We started catching up and talked about our other friends and how they were doing. Then he started opening up about his breakup with his girlfriend. I even kid him that he got busy ever since that bitch stole him up from us. His girlfriend broke up with him over YM. They were chatting when he noticed that his girlfriend doesn’t seem interested talking with him. So he asked why, instead of replying she posted a photo of herself with her new beau on her facebook account. Sucks and it hurts.

He was shocked. He didn’t saw it coming. Then she told him that he found someone new and had to choose between the two. She chooses the other guy over him, just like that.

“Pre ganun lang ba ako kadali kalimutan?,” he asked me but words failed me. I just stared at him blankly. His question caught me off guard. I’ve been meaning to ask that myself. I can relate with his situation. So I empathized with him.

“Muntik ko na nga itapon ang Mac book ko… Kala ko siya na. Sabay kase kami nangarap eh… Sabi pa niya sa akin, antayin ko daw ang pagbalik niya… Sabi niya na nasa akin na daw lahat ng katangian na hanap niya sa lalaki… Binigyan ko pa nga siya ng susi ng apartment ko para alam niya may babalikan siya pagbalik niya ng Pinas”

He told me his not sure what would be his reaction if ever she would ask him back again. But he just felt betrayed and could no longer trust her.

He told me a lot of things more. He’s been devastated. He said despite of all what she did, he still wish her well. Hopefully, the new guy was worth it and she will not regret it and will have a happy life with him.

We called it a night by 5am, he invited me to crash at his place like every time we get out but I declined because I wanted to sleep longer and since he still has a gig by 9:00 am so my sleep would be cut short.

“EDSA,” the FX driver shouted obliterating my trains of thoughts.

I hurriedly went out and cross the street for my bus ride going to the office. I sighed and tried thinking of happy thoughts but all for naught.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.stepheneinhorn.co.uk/product_images/large_images/P2-32.jpg

5

2010-01-28T09:23:00.003+08:00

Kung iisipin numero lang naman ang 5. Sa iba malamang wala gaanong halaga ito. Sa iba naman, nagiging tagapaalala nila ito sa mga mahahalang bagay na nangyari sa buhay nila. Kaya minsan ang 5 ay hindi lamang simpleng numero.

Maalala ko dati, sabi mo magkita tayo sa Whistle Stop sa may Shang sa Ortigas. Sabi mo gusto mo lang ako makita. Ayun umupo tayo sa labas ng resto na 'yun. Kinwento ko pa nga sayo na sa loob ng resto na 'yun ay nag-dare ang isang katrabaho namin dati na makipaghalikan ako sa katrabaho ko na babeng may gusto sa akin at kinunan pa nga kami video at pictures.

Tumawa ka ngunit biglang naging seryoso. Sabi mo sa akin ito na ang huli nating pagkikita. Nagulat ako, nalungkot at nasaktan kaya tinanong kita kung bakit. Sabi mo matagal mo na ako tinatanong at wala pa din ako sagot sa mga tanong na 'yun. Pero hindi ka na nagsalita pa, sa halip inabot mo sa akin ang isang liham.

Binuksan ko ng dahan-dahan ang nakatuping papel at simulang basahin ang iyong liham.

Doon ko nalaman lahat ng saloobin mo. Kung paano ka nahihirapan sa sitwasyon natin. Kung ano nararamdaman mo para sa akin. At kung paano pag hindi na nga naging tayo.

Biglang luminaw sa akin ang lahat, mga tanong ko sa sarili ko kung ano bar in nararamdaman ko para sayo, para sa atin ay biglang nagkaroon ng kasagutan. Tumingin ako sa 'yo. Ngumiti at sinubukang hawiin ang lungkot sa 'yong mga mata. Kaya ayun sinagot ko na ang matagal mo nang katanungan.

Naging tayo na.

Biglang ngumiti ka na din. Siguro natuwa sa sagot ko sa 'yong katanungan. Gusto ko pa din sana natagalan pa ang pagtambay natin sa resto na 'yun kaso may mahalagang bagay ako na pupuntahan pa. Kala ko ihahatid mo lang ako para makasakay sa MRT patungong Makati, pero sumabay ka at inihatid ako hanggang sa Greenbelt.

Nagpasalamat ako sa 'yo sa ginawa mo na 'yun. Sa pag-alis mo pabalik ng QC ay taglay ang kakaibang ngiti na ngayon ko lang nasilayan sa maamo mo'ng mukha. Gayun din sa akin, tinutukso pa nga ako ng mga kaibigan ko na parang may iba daw sa aura ko at sobrang masaya ako.

Ang saya natin noon di ba? Limang taong nakalipas na 'yun. Naalala ko lang. Naalala mo pa din ba kaya ang araw na 'yun?

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.mediateletipos.net/wp-content/images/2006/06/live5.gif

Job

2010-01-27T08:59:00.003+08:00

I'm early again as usual; I enter the building and greet the guard good morning while I smile as the guard replies good morning too. Get my time card and punch it in for the attendance, it says 7:25am. I'll go upstairs and say my morning prayers before going up to the third floor where my station is. I turn on the fan and turn on the computer. Type on my password, hit on the enter key before going to the attendance sheet to write what time I arrived.

It's pretty much the same every morning on a weekday.

I've been having a really tough day at the office for the past few weeks. I started the year by not going to the office for the first two days. I was still in the province renewing my driver's license on the first day and my flight going back to Manila on the second day. And those two days my boss was sending me SMS non-stop while I'm on the phone almost all day instructing my officemate what to do about the program I created. Mom was right, I shouldn't have let myself be absent on the first day of work. Now, it's like napaglihi-an that my days at the office will always be tough and rough.

Last Monday, my boss insulted me and some other programmers in front of all our officemates. You see, being a contractual it is expected of you to know everything in the office even if the job was given to you that very moment. Even if it's not your fault, you have to accept it because it's your job to fix things. That's why you are hired, that's why they hired me.

I told my boss that I'm making a mano-mano way of extracting info because the information given to me was different from the database. Then the program handed to me has missing queries so I have to analyze, redo and fix (debug) the program. That will take time, but the higher bosses were putting too much pressure on my boss that's why my boss' snaps. My boss got mad at us, telling me that the issues were given last Friday (4pm) and I was supposed to fix it last Friday. But I wasn't able to finish it 'til Monday.

Yesterday, my boss snaps again. My boss called me and one of my officemate to discuss an issue regarding some system. My officemate was not able to fix the issue so they seek for my help. Again, there's no excuse for me not to know the system so I had to accept. Instead of getting mad at my officemate, a regular employee, she got mad at me instead - insulting me and stuff.

I've been a contractual here for almost three years now. I love my job, I really do. I like my boss; however, I got to a point now that I can no longer take my boss' temper. I used to think that it's all part of the job but it's really getting into my nerves now. Nobody in the office actually like my boss that's why they kid me that I'm my boss' best friend because I don't have anything bad to say against the boss despite the temperament.

While debugging on of the program, one of the contractual from other company who's part of one of our on going project asked me it I am to become a boss someday, will I act and do what my boss is doing and acting right now. He asked me this because he too experienced being scolded at by my boss. I told him, probably not because I know how my employee would feel like, because I experienced it already. I asked the question back at him, he said he won't become like that then he laughed.

No matter how I ignore and accept that my boss will always be like that, even if I don't recognize its effect, unconsciously I am slowly draining. There's only too much I can take.

Not to mention that our salary has been delayed for two months and up to now they still owe us a month's worth of salary. The end of the month is fast approaching and we contractors don't know if we'll be receiving a pay. Aside from work, we also think of the bills we're going to pay, the money we'll give and send to our families (in the province), and the money we have to spend everyday for food and transportation.

All that I ignore, tiniis ko because I like my job. Pero I think tama na and it's time for me to move on. Some good things have to last no matter how much you love it. Now, I'm recognizing and accepting that fact. I shouldn't have agreed to be extended up to March 2010. I should have accepted the offer I was given from the other company. It's too late now, so I will have to endure this until my contract expires on March.

I should have listened to my friends when they told me to give up this job and pursue my raket. And become a full-time raketista. After all, I already build a good portfolio and already have some following. Again, it's too late for that.

What a life so far, problema na nga sa partner, problema pa sa trabaho.

Well, it's almost 8am so I'll stop here and start to work before my boss get mad again.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.nassaulibrary.org/bellmore/JobSearchNewspaper.jpg

Birthday

2010-01-22T09:41:00.006+08:00

A few days ago it was your birthday. For the first time since we're together I didn't greet you. I didn't give you a birthday present, not even your favorite chocolate moist cake, nothing. Not even a birthday kiss.

Everyone knows that you don't celebrate it but I always make sure we celebrate it together. I hope you're not astonished as I got no surprise for you at all. Nonetheless, I'll greet you here, on this blog. This is my breathing space, even if I can't say it directly to you, I'll say it here. It's all the same.

Happy Birthday Mahal.

Even if no candles to blow for you to wish. No birthday song for you to hear from me. No more smile from me as you take the first bite on my cake. With all my heart I wish you all the best life has to offer. I wish you well. I wish you good health and I wish your wish will come true, whatever it might be...

...even if I no longer part of it.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.wildpoppies.co.nz/media/catalog/product/cache/1/image/5e06319eda06f020e43594a9c230972d/H/B/HBCAKE.jpg

Password

2010-01-21T16:17:00.004+08:00

I have a confession to make. One time, I badly needed to use a computer so I asked him to use his desktop PC. I was browsing the net to research something. He was off to his parents’ house to visit them so I was left alone in our pad. While downloading the files I decided to log on to YM to check on my contacts.

I double clicked on the YM icon located on the task bar and the application showed up. His YM id was still there and so is his password. I don’t intend to log in using his account but my curiosity won me over. I already doubted him that time so might as well check it to confirm if there’s any to confirm.

Usually I let him browse the internet and let him log on to YM while I sleep on the bed. He sits on the edge while using the PC so he blocked me completely so I can’t see whatever he’s doing. I really don’t mind though because I used to trust him.

Anyhow, I clicked on login and put it on invisible mode. I checked the message archive. First I looked for my YM id and there it was. All our private conversation was there, from the very start to the recent ones. Kinilig ako while reading it, it brought so many memories, happy ones, of course.

Then I checked some of the YM id’s there, mostly from the recently added ones. There at first YM id I already read something that almost drove me mad. It was there conversation after they’ve met in our pad. I was completely caught off guard. Alam mo ‘yung feeling na huminto ang mundo and you couldn’t think anything at all. Their conversation ended that they’re going to meet again. I’m thinking, what the hell, may next time pa?

Then I read the next, they too already met and they were having a good time. Then the next, almost same story altogether, wala halos pinag-iba. Oh my, I checked the dates again and it was all recent.

Initial na inisip ko, sana pala hindi na lang ako naghanap ng work ulit. Like, nawalan ako ng konting time para sa kanya. It’s like I’m blaming myself why he did all these. It’s like it was my fault for him to look for someone else.

It was painful. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling. I wanted to confront him that time but I was so afraid of losing him. You see, dati pa may pagkatanga na ako talaga. So I let it be thinking that if ever I’d spend more time with him he wouldn’t look for someone else. Kaya tinago ko ‘yun. I didn’t confront him. Baka magalit din siya at bakit ko nilog-in YM niya. Wala din ako sapat na evidence.

What I did, however, was I added those YM id on my YM contacts. I copied their conversation and saved it to my gmail. Then I began chatting with them. Some offered to meet me and I thought sige para naman makabawi ako. Makaganti. Pero I usually backed out the last minute. Hindi ko pala talaga kaya. At tsaka para saan pa?

Funny, thinking that wala na iba, pero ayun pala. Pinaniwala niya ako. Come to think of it, we never really discussed before that kami lang because dba automatic naman ‘yan na pag kayo na, kayo lang. Wala na iba? O kailangan pa ba sabihin sa agreement ‘yan? Sabi naman niya dati ako lang.

Whenever I came from the office he usually checks my phone. I didn’t put any PIN code because I don’t have anything to hide. He even deletes some messages I have there kase sabi niya puno na daw phone ko at baka hindi pumasok mga text niya. Ako naman, I don’t check his phone, I don’t even know his PIN code. Biniro ko nga siya one time sabi ko pa check ng phone niya kase he just checked mine, he got mad and refused to let me check his phone because he’s waiting for a text from his mom daw,

Right now, we still don’t talk. No conversation or whatsoever exist between the two of us. Parang room mates na lang kase na naka bed space ako. There are times that I don’t want to go home so I would end my work out late or log on to net in some nearby internet café until 11pm or 12mn. During weekends it’s either I went home ng madaling araw or nakikitulog sa ibang bahay.

Pero nasanay na ako. Nasanay na ako na hindi na kami nag-uusap. Nasanay na ako na walang kumustahan. Nasanay na ako umagahin sa lansangan. Siguro ready na ako. Ready na ako ma-gain ang freedom ko. Siguro, ready na ako maging single ulit. Lahat naman yata ng bagay natututunan at napagsasanayan.

Many of you asked bakit hindi ko pa siya palayasin, siguro dahil ayoko na sa akin manggaling ‘yun. Kelan ako mag-aantay sa pag-alis niya, siya na makakasagot niyan.

If you ask me kung ano nafefeel ko ngayon? I really don’t know. Honestly, hindi ko alam talaga.

Don’t pity me though, kagagawan ko din naman ‘to kase hinayaan ko. Ganun talaga ang buhay. Pero if you see me sa lansangan hindi mo masasabi na may dinadala pala ako na problema kase no matter what, I never fail to smile and make other people smile too.

Don’t hate him though. You don’t know his side of the story. So it’s unfair for you to hate or judge him. He’s not that bad, trust me. He’s one of the sweetest people there is. He’s his charm and ways that’s why lahat yata ng naging partner niya nahihirapan to let him go. Kaya din siguro ako nahihirapan din.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://buckeyesecure.osu.edu/pmwiki/uploads/SafeComputing/password_star.jpg

Weekend

2010-01-18T10:54:00.002+08:00

Last Friday, the party I was supposed to go was postponed. So after working out I had nowhere else to go. I wanted to watch a movie but they no longer sell tickets because the last full show already started. That sucks. I really don't have anywhere else to go. I didn't want to go home yet. I was sitting outside mini-stop waiting for nothing but to each turn of the clock's hand - one second at a time.

After a while, I decided to go back to Cubao and stay there until I felt like going home. There I was texted by a friend asking me what happened to my blog. I texted him the temporary URL of my blog and asked him if he'd like to go out for a drink. He said yes and told me to meet him in Quatro.

While I was walking towards an ATM machine, my name was being called. It was from my younger brother's batch mate in grade school and is our neighbor in the province. He was joined by 3 more of their batch. It was nostalgic for me. Felt like home. I drink a couple of beer while we exchanged kamustahan before I left for Quatro.

There in Quatro, I accidentally met a friend. It was actually nice seeing him to finally put a face behind a name. We had a couple of rounds and finally decided to go home when my friend got drunk already. He was actually funny when he gets drunk. We hailed a cab foe him. Then I finally went home by myself and finding him already asleep. I went to the shower to take a bath then took a nap soon after.

I woke up the next day finding him already left for work. I prepared myself for a work-out. I was glad that our gimik later was still on so I decided to dine first at dampa. I was already drinking a couple of beers before a friend came to meet me. It was also nice seeing him and finally be able to put a face to a name. He also had his own gimik but decided to see me first before meeting his own set of friends.

It was already past midnight when my friends finally arrived. I asked them where we're going and was informed at Quatro. Nge na naman? I was just there last night. They insisted so we went there. We were teasing one of our friends because he's been flirting with some of the guests there but refused to actually made contact with them. We said it's ok, after all, he's the only one single in our group. We were also discussing about one of our friends who's been jumping from one guy to another and always end up hurting himself on the process. Well hindi na siya talaga natuto.

By 4am we called it a night. Before going home they ate goto then we went our separate ways after. I went home finding him not home yet, instead of worrying I took a bath before taking a nap.

I woke up the next day finding him beside me. I carefully stoop up and took a bath. I prepared my stuff then head to the gym. After the work out I was texted by a friend, he was inviting me to stay at his apartment. I went there and he introduced me to his room mates. One took a nap early because of his interview the next day. So I only get to talk with the room mate. We discussed a lot until we went to a very sensitive topic. He told me that his partner died a year ago due to lung cancer (was only 30 years old that time). He said that we were lucky to be able to spend 5 years together and 8 years for my friend and his partner. As for them, they only had 3 years together before he succumbed to cancer. He said he was already ok and finally able to move on. In fact he's already seeing someone new.

I woke up by 5am. I took a bath before I went home. I was about to insert the key when I heard a familiar text tone. It was my partner's. I stopped and the door opened. It was him, he's already heading for work. He just passed by me without looking at me. So I went inside and changed my clothes. Well, ganun lang parang hindi kami nagkakilala, or as if I didn't exist at all. Ginusto ko naman 'yun, after all, it was me who stopped communicating with him. It's just that I was caught off guard. It pains me but I had to endure it. I can already feel it that anytime now, he will leave me for good and that I'll finally be free.

That was my weekend. How about yours?

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.nomad4ever.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/san-miguel-beer-bottles.jpg

Adieu?

2010-01-15T11:02:00.003+08:00

I was perfectly fine before I met you.
Life became greater when I met you.

Time flies so fast and we are happy.
Or so I thought that we were happy.

Things do change and so do we.
Drifting far apart, are we?

You have someone else aside from me.
I never thought you could do this to me.

I question myself where I did wrong.
Now I felt everything else was wrong.

I can no longer take it so I shut myself off.
You keep on denying I want to take off.

Now I'm here trying to be strong.
I can do this I used to be strong.

Am I ready to take the path once more?
But I am afraid to take another step more.

I'd better leave while I'm still in love.
I'd want to go when there's still left for me to love.

There'll be no other choice but to be free.
Silently I'm begging, please set me free.

I'll take it no matter how hard it will be.
I know I'll survive if you let me be.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.impawards.com/2009/posters/goodbye_solo.jpg

Aquarium

2010-01-14T14:43:00.005+08:00

One weekend I decided to go back to UP, to stay with my former room mate because I miss Manila. Since his girlfriend was not available we decided to go somewhere in Quezon Avenue to drink. We talked almost every topic we could think of from college to cars to girls. We share different taste when it comes with girls. He likes petite girls with huge boobs and that are a bit chubby while I like taller ones with huge butts and that are slim. Funny but it turned out that our girlfriends that time are opposite what we like. My recently ex-girlfriend only stands 5' and is blessed on the chest department while his girl stands 5' 7" and has a very shapely butt. I had fun and I was glad I did go back.

By 2am in the morning Jeff* invited me to go to "the aquarium" to look for pretty girls. I didn't bother asking him what about his girlfriend because I'm quite eager to check the place too. I haven't been there before and my curios nature told me to go and experience it.

The building was packed with cars from all sizes outside. Before we enter the place, Jeff borrowed some cash so I decided to withdraw money first and handed Jeff what he needed. We were greeted upon entering and the guard patiently checks what we had with us. Then we were guided to a huge glass in front of us. Suddenly the light lit up and we saw girls starting to enter the room opposite the glass and sat in front of us. I was amazed by how pretty these girls were. Almost everything you look for you could find there. Jeff was teasing me, if I could only see my own face I would be laughing too. I can't imagine why decided to have this kind of job when they could actually look for something else, decent. They were all wearing white, in tube and in mini skirts. My heart begun to rise and my eyes hopped from one girl to another.

There she was. The tall girl I've been waiting for, slim, slender and very fair in her white dress. Pretty face with a nice set of teeth. All smiling and waiting for me haha. I picked her.

Jeff, on the other hand, picked a very beautiful small girl with a healthy chest. I can't help but smile because you could pick your ideal girl and have then even for a brief moment in time, fantasy will become reality.

We were ushered to our own rooms and Jeff wished me luck.

Inside I carefully lie down the bed and waited for my chosen girl. Then she went inside after a few minutes. She took off my clothes carefully. Still smiling and she began the massage. I can't take it any longer so I sat up and whispered to her what I like, gently. She smiled, I tried to kiss her but moved her face away from me. I forgot what Jeff told me that most of these girls don't kiss. Instead she kissed and played my neck with her warm lips. She whispered that I don't have to do anything and just let her be in control. I felt excited. Her kisses moved down to my chest and sucking each of my nipples while caressing the other in turn, it was all pleasure. Then down to my balls before finally swallowing me. She's an expert alright, it's something I could not ask my girlfriend to do. Her tongue did wonders I can't put in words.

After a while she raises her head and still on her knees. I noticed that she already put the condom on me using her mouth and I didn't even notice it. I'm in sitting position now and spread my legs apart. She sat on me. I hugged her as she began to move slowly in a forward and back direction. Then she wraps her legs around my waist and I carefully carry her and stand on my knees. We moved together like we were dancing. It was hot and we're beginning to perspire.

I carefully lay her down to the bed while her legs still on my waist, and began pumping. I had to take charge, I told myself so I carefully position her on her side. She forwarded her left knee and I entered her slowly. I'm facing her know, looking directly at her face. I'm not sure if she's actually enjoying it or she's too expert to fake whatever needed emotions she have to express during encounters like these. Well I don't care but I want her to have a great time too.

Then I shifted her position so her back resting on the bed. I raised her both legs and enter her that way. I pumped and pumped and I came.

"Bakit ka nandito?," I began to ask while she carefully resting her head on my shoulder while I carefully run my fingers through her hair.

"Madali kase pera dito tapos kailangan ko pa supportahan mga magulang ko, kapatid ko at anak ko," she answered.

"Ha? May anak ka na?," I was bewildered.

"Oo nabuntis kase ako at hindi pinagutan ng ama niya. Kaya ayun ito lang alam ko na madali ang pera. Tsaka hindi ako nakapagtapos ng pag-aaral," she reasoned out.

"Ganun ba," I am lost for words. I just hugged her as we waited for my time to end. Napaisip ako. Pero blanko. Wala pumapasok sa isip ko that time. Siguro naawa ako sa kanya. Basta ewan hindi ko masabi o ma express ang tunay na niloloob ko that time.

After a while we went inside the shower and helped me took a bath. She gives me a head one last time before she leaves the room.

I began to dress up. Still I'm trying to dissect what I felt about our conversation. Naisip ko na isa lang siya sa mga babaeng naka upo sa aquarium. I'm sure each one of them had their own stories to tell. Whatever their reasons were, it boils down on how easy they could get money by just sleeping around with men.

I waited for a while before Jeff finally got out. He was not his usual self and apparently unsatisfied haha. I asked him what pissed him off, he said the girl he picked was so maarte. She won't even give him head haha.

We went outside to look for a cab.

"Sir!," the girl I picked called up from behind us. She's on tees and jeans. She's wearing rubber shoes and backpack on her back.

"Oh? Uwian na?," I asked.

"Oo, 'yun na nga sundo naming pauwi ng Bulacan," she smiled as she pointed out the cab nearby.

"Ah. Ingat kayo pauwi ha," I smiled back.

"Sige sir," she said as they head to the cab, went inside and on their way home.

When properly dress up she still looks beautiful sans all the makeup she used to wear when she's in the aquarium. You won't be able to tell that she works there.

I sighed and I wish her luck and I was hoping that she could find another job, a decent one, for her family and child.

I didn't go back to the place. Whenever we go to beer house, hindi na rin ako nagtatable pa or sumisilip sa aquarium. Doon na lang sa mga sumasayaw sa entablado. Everytime I watch these girls dance naked sa entablado habang patay sindi ang mga iba't ibang makukulaw na ilaw, I am wondering kung ano story niya why she end up doing that. I guess I'll never know because I will no longer ask.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Name/s altered to hide identity of the people involved in the story.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.mydigitallife.info/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/marine-aquarium-screensaver.jpg

Hygiene

2010-01-13T10:00:00.004+08:00

It was just like any ordinary night for me. I'm on my day off from my previous job as a call center agent. I used to live in Ortigas extension so Libis is just a jeepney ride away. There in Libis I would rent a pc in a 24-hr internet café to chat. I've been chatting with a lot of guys who want to get laid that night and options are quite abundant so there's no really need to hurry. The night was still young and I am having fun trading thoughts, numbers and photos with them.

I turned on the web cam and let them see who they were talking too. I'm wearing my topman sando and my now gone favorite cap so I really felt confident that I look pleasant that night. I'm not good looking but it's enough to satisfy some people's craving for a late night laid. Request to view me came flooding incessantly and I'm quite thrilled to know that they're interested. After all, maybe one of them I might get laid tonight so why turn down the requests.

It was already late and I was able to gather numbers and information of probable playmates. I responded to a cute, chinito and buffed up guy. He lives somewhere in Manila which is quite far from my place but he intrigues me. He called me up and told me he had a place if I'm interested, well I am, so I traveled all the way up from Libis to meet him at McDonalds near Pedro Gil LRT station. Libog nga naman, hindi iniinda ang layo masatify lamang lol.

There he was standing outside McDonalds wearing a yellow polo shirt and all smiles. He's kind of drunk, I could tell. Since I was there already and he's really cute so I decided to go with him. We walked for a while and rode a jeep to reach his place. His place is located on a second floor of a building and it was so dark inside. He guided me straight to his room. We begun to undress and begun to play. After a while I smell something awful. It was him, he really smells bad when perspiring. Since he's drunk he already felt dizzy. I stopped because I can no longer take it anymore. In short nawala libog ko haha. Sayang at cute niya pa naman sana. Hindi yata kasama sa vocabulary niya ang hygiene.

He just lay down there to his bed, he said na para daw ako softy ice cream, mabilis mag melt haha gusto ko sana sabihin sa kanya na ang baho niya kase pero sobrang rude naman nun kaya hindi ko na pinatulan. He closed his eyes and begun to snore. I began to dress up and went out silently so I could not wake him up. When I opened the door, nagulat ako sa dami ng tao sa labas ng room niya. Gym pala 'yun at halos nakatingin sa akin ang mga nagwowork out. That explains the wide open space papunta sa room niya. Kala ko bodega lang, ang dilim kase. Nahiya ako at nanginig haha. Ma expose ba naman na hindi nakabutton yung polo ko na lumabas sa room ng isang hunk na maaring may ari ng gym.

I head out hurriedly using the stairs and outside hindi ko alam kung nasaan ako. Basta nakakita ako ng jeep going to Guadalupe, sumakay na ako. Ang layo sobra at antok na antok na ako. Nasayang lang oras ko. Hmp.

Pagdating ko sa bahay naligo ako at nagtoothbrush then natulog hehe may bukas pa para sa next booking. Soon ikukwento ko kung pinalad na ako that time.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.virginmedia.com/images/bad_hygiene430x300.jpg

Shattered

2010-01-11T10:33:00.005+08:00

It was Monday night and I was hanging out with my two friends. I had no plans on getting drunk because I still have a flight to catch the next day back to Manila. I am actually just planning to drink 2 to 3 beers that night.

Earlier I had a long day getting my renewed driver's license. Dan* called up to inform me that Seth* wanted to meet us before I went back to Manila. We'll be meeting up in Gaisano Mall at 8pm. Since it was still early I decided to go back to our apartment to take a bath before going to the mall. I invited my sister and her best friend to have dinner with me first at Gaisano Mall before meeting Dan and Seth.

While dinning the Port café, Dan texted me asking me where I am, I informed where I am and that I am with my sister and her friend. He came and we ushered my sister and her friend to the cinema. Right before they entered the cinema Seth arrived, Dan already informed him where we were.

Seth told us that he's hungry so we decided to dine at From Dust 'til Dawn in Torres St. Each of us ordered native chicken barbecue and only Seth ordered rice. We transferred location later to drink some beer and have a look at some locals who frequent the place.

By 9:17:54 pm I received a text message. Another miss sent. It says:

"beybi… …muah..labyue" (I deleted some text because it's too personal)

I can't believe it. It happened again after he denied it when we had our confrontation. Unlike before, he texted back informing that it was his cousin, later when I did not replied he said that it was her friend now. He even sent me text messages trying to be his cousin and friend. Who on earth would believe him this time when he can't even give a good alibi or him being inconsistent. I did not replied him ever since.

I can no longer take it so I shared it with Dan (who already know about my situation, I already told him a couple of days back in Manila) and Seth. From ordinary drinking session, the night turned out to be a drinking spree for all of us, even Dan who doesn't drink that much at all. I told them that I was excited to go back to Manila to see him but I'm no longer sure this time. I also informed two of my blogger friends through text and they empathized with me. I even texted our friend from the Middle East informing him that Dan, Seth and I were together drinking, he called me but I was not able to answer his call so he called Dan instead.

By 3:45am we decided to go to a birthday party. It was Seth's friend. Upon arriving I was quite shock to find out that one of the person there come from the school I graduated with the same course only a year lower my batch. He knows me and I know him but both of us have no idea that we have this "double" life. We acted as if we didn't know each other and just shake our hand when introduced.

I was also shocked how people were so open in that party considering that we occupied a space in the street that people come and go. That some were kissing. I even witnessed Seth kissing my schoolmate many times. I guess I am not yet ready to that kind of life. I guess Ternie is right after all, I am conservative. I just can't imagine them kissing in from of many people in a very open and public place.

My schoolmate is a hunk while Seth is a heartthrob. Both have the looks to wader. Imagine how many girls will cry if they found out that this two guys were kissing each other while they (girls) wanted just to even hold my schoolmate and Seth's hands. I wonder if my batch mates and his batch mates knew anything about it. I guess no.

By 5am, I called it a night, I should have eaten breakfast and lunch earlier because right now I see them all doubled up. I also have a plane to catch later. Dan also decided to go home as well. We bid them good night while Seth helps us held a cab. I went home with a heavy heart that night not knowing what to expect when I arrived Manila. No matter how many liters and gallons I drank that night, no amount of alcohol could take away the pain I felt that night.

They see me as I strong person, but I am only a great actor, a great pretended trying to be strong. But deep down inside I'm shattered like Emma Frost did when shot by one of her doppelgangers. I wish I had my Jean Grey to put the many shattered pieces of me back into whole again.

Goodbye Davao, Hello Manila.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not actual names to protect the identities of persons involved.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.tintworks.net/Shattered%20glass.jpg

2010

2010-01-01T00:10:00.003+08:00

I’m still wide awake in front of the computer as my fingers gently touching the letters on the keyboard to write what’s on my mind this very moment. I can’t help but smile remembering hours ago our New Year celebration could have been a disaster if we didn’t suyo our mom after she made tampo to us because two of our brothers fought over a “plants vs zombies” game. It’s a good thing that my sister persuaded my two brothers to apologize to our mom for their stupidity. When my mom finally stood up and gave us each children a hug and kissed our cheeks to greet us a happy New Year we can’t help but return the favor. What a moment indeed.

My brother and sister started the fireworks while our kasamabahays prepared the table for our New Year feast. All of us then jump around the house hoping we would get taller lol. Then I opened up the Champaign for us to toss to a great year ahead of us. My two brothers were happily snapping pictures to freeze the moment.

What I remember most during that feast were the smiles each of us wear as if nothing bad happened to us. I’d like to think that we were all able to move on from dad’s leaving us before New Year a year ago. We finally accepted that he will no longer go back and that we all have our separate lives now, without him and him living his life without us. That we are what we have now: Mom, my brother and his wife and daughter, my sister, my two brothers, my aunt, my uncle, me and a couple of kasambahays.

We will try to protect and love more each one of us. We’d like not to think much on how my dad’s relatives keep on trying to bring us down ‘til nothing will be left to us. I know God will not let them succeed. I know God will protect and help us. It saddened me because I can’ fathom why they’re doing this to us when they already succeeded in manipulating our dad to leave us. Each of us will not let them hurt us once again.

As we celebrate the New Year to come, I can’t help but admire my mom. Her strength and courage to carry on for us her children is just remarkable. Instead of pitying herself she holds her ground and fought for herself, for us. That she was able to stand and sustain her spirit, she never did falter even once. Her love for us makes her even stronger and we get our courage to move on through her. She might have age a bit but she gained wisdom way ahead her age. I just can’t help but be proud of her, not just because she’s my mom, but also because she’s a survivor. I don’t know how she did it but she did and that’s a thing to celebrate.

You know what; I also admire my siblings for they were able to withstand the pain brought about my dad’s infidelity and abuses to my mom. It was hard for me but it was harder for them because they witnessed everything while I’m away fighting for my own survival in the metro. I just hope that they will not be traumatized by what they saw and experienced.

I’m glad I saw them all smiling again. At least I know they will be ok. I k now that they are also looking forward for a better tomorrow. Somehow, when I get back to Manila, I’ll be at ease to know that they are coping quite well. That they too have finally accepted our fate and be able to move on and forward. What awaits us in the future is yet to unfold before our eyes but we gained so much experience and lessons from last year that we will not succumb easily to whatever surprises life will throw at us. We also have proven that no matter what will happen we will be always there for ach other. I am happy to see them smile once again.

If anyone will be looking at me while I write this entry, they might think I’m a bit mad because I just can’t help but smile each time I put in words what my mind conceives. Well I really don’t care because I’m just relieving that moment I witnessed a while ago. Then again, who wouldn't smile and be happy when you know that you’re family is finally whole again. Family doesn’t have to be complete to be whole; you just have to know that you all love each other, know that you are love in return and that each and everyone will always be there for each other.

Life has its own way of teaching us some lessons. It is said that our fate is written in the stars long before we are born. That each of us is connected. These things might be true but I think it is still up to us to decide what to do, which path to take and take full responsibility of our actions. After all, it’s our life to live.

I wish you all happiness, contentment and love. Cheers to a New Year.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://cache.planetnatural.com/planetnatural/images/large/tomato_seedling_lg.jpg

2009/2010

2009-12-31T23:15:00.003+08:00

Goodbye 2009 and thank you for all the things you gave me this year. Thanks for a great job, a great profession, and all the opportunities you gave me. Thanks to a the people I met who inspired me and help me to become who I am, without them I would not be able to accomplish so many things that made me who I am. Thanks to all the people I have yet to meet who help me to be able to survive my rocky relationship. Thanks to all editors, writers, designers, photographers, artists, programmers, and models I’ve worked with who welcomed me and accepted me. Thanks to all the bloggers who reads and understands me, for giving pieces of advice, and becoming my friends in blogosphere. Thanks to my partner, for the love. Thanks to my family and friends for staying with me and continue believing in me. I thank God for everything, without Him I’What a year 2009 really is.

I welcome 2010 with open arms and hoping for the best. I’m looking forward for a better life, love and health. I’m looking forward to all the great opportunities it will offer me, to all of us actually. Wish us all the best and God bless us all for the year to come.

Happy New Year everyone!

Xoxo

Th Curious Cat

P.S. Image is courtesy of http://www.fireworks4all.com/images/502-Firework.jpg

Odium

2009-12-31T13:13:00.002+08:00

These are the things that my patner hates about me:

I snore horribly loud. I guess he got used to it already but sill complains from time to time. Whenever I decided to have a sleep over in some friends’ house, he always reminds me not to sleep haha or else they might kick me out their houses in no time.

I grind my teeth when I sleep. Sigh. That’s why I use mouth guard every time I sleep to prevent my teeth from destroying each other hehe. Also to eliminate the eerie sound brought about by my grinding teeth.

Sometimes, I lie down to bed without taking a bath first. He hates that haha. Sometimes I arrived home so tired I just lie down just to relax a bit and when he found me there he would instantly get mad.

He hates my long hair in the morning haha. Often times he would find his face covered with my hair when he wakes up haha. He would wake me up and would start cursing lol.

He hates it when I answer him back when we fight. I am very patient and usually would do what he asks to prevent him from nagging at me not stop. There are times when I can’t hold my temper and would answer back. It’s usually just a phrase or two but I hurts every time. Even my bosses aren’t spared.

Often times we would snuggle and tickle each other when we don’t have anything else to do. He finds me too strong sometimes and would end up hurting him by just holding his wrists to prevent him from tickling me.

He hates my magazines. I collect comics and magazines and they already ate up a forth part of the pad hehe. He usually threatened me to burn all of them when I’m away.

He hates it when I refuse to let him suck my tongue when we kiss lol. Sometimes he sucks it too hard it hurts. Our tongue would end up playing habulan which I like lol.

He sometimes hates the way I text. Napaka direct daw kase minsan. This I don’t understand hehe.

He gets mad when I forget to refill the water. Well I admit, I’m guilty about this.

I also forget to sweep the floor haha and his dives him mad every time lol.

I love hugging big time. Kahi ang init init wala ako pakialam at ito naman madalas naming pag-awayan kase he ony hugs kung malamig ang panahon. He hates it when I hug him in the afternoon. Pero he hugs me always sa madaling araw naman.

He always checks my phone always which I don’t mind. But he hates it when I ask him to let me check his phone. Ewan ko dun siguro madami tinatago.

He hates it when I work out. It’s ok that I jog with him but gets mad when I lose weight. He would tease me that I’m fat but gets mad when I’m trying to lose weight.

Well so far those are the things that I could think of right now that he hates a lot about me.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.neatorama.com/images/2006-12/love-hate-baby.jpg

Christmas

2009-12-24T11:57:00.002+08:00

I'm home here in the province now. It's so nice to be home after a year of spending time away from my family to work in there Manila.

After the plane landed I was greeted by the pilot and was given the chance to take photo of myself inside the control room. I ask him to have his photo taken with me, he declined because his wife might see the photo and might ask haha. He told me if ever he's still the one manning the plane the next time I fly back to Manila, I just have to ask the stewardess for him so he would let me see the view and feel what it's like when the plane lands.

He promised.

After I got my luggage I went outside and searched for kuya Tim* so we could go home aready. The entire trip went smoothly.

We went first to their house and I gave his son Php 500 as a Christmas gift because I haven't got the chance to get a present for him. Then I gave kuya Tim another Php 500 for fetching me and taking me home safely.

It was foggy and it stared to drizzle when I finally arrived. Kuya Tim called up my brothers and sister and then left after thanking me. My sister came first and hugge me and kissed me on the cheek. Then my 2 brothers did the same. I was so happy by their warm welcome. Overjoyed. I will have to wait for mom and my other brother and his family later in the afternoon though so we could greet each other. I was greeted by our kasambahays later as well.

There's no place like home indeed. I'm finally home.

Merry Christmas to you guys. Thanks a lot.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not real name to hide the identity of the person involved.
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://www.allthingsbeautiful.com/all_things_beautiful/images/christmas_tree_05.jpg

Unsuccessful

2009-12-22T12:43:00.002+08:00

I felt your warm body next to mine. Too close. I extended my arms and offered my embrace. You took my hand with yours and gently pressed it closer to your chest. You turned around and faced me. I open my eyes and smiled. You smiled back.

You were nibbling my already hardened nipple while your hard gently caressing me down there. I felt hard. I put my hand at your back, inside your shirt slowly and gently feeling your warmth as I took your shirt off.

Your tongue was slowly shifted from my nipple down to my fat tummy. Then you stopped as you pulled down my boxers to expose my manhood. You turned to look at me, smiled then I felt the warmth of your mount enveloping me. Up, down, up and down and back again. I moaned as you’re twisting your tongue, playing it nice, slow.

I held your head and slowly turned you around for me to see you entirely. The light coming from the transparent door was enough for me to see your beautiful face. I smiled. Then I reach for your right nipple and gently run my fingers on it as I begun to play the other one with my tongue. You moaned. I continued kissing and nibbling as I gently massaging the other.

I put my head next to your ear while I embrace you with my left hand. My feet took care of taking off your pants all the way. We’re both naked now.

“Ready ka na?,” I asked.

He wrapped his legs on my hips to say yes.

“Safe ka ba?,” I asked again.

“Siguro, hindi ako sure. It’s been six months. Kaw ba?,” he returned the question.

“Oo, sure ka ba?,” I inquired.

“Gusto ko kase wala para mas mararamdaman kita,” he answered.

I smiled. I started playing my tongue with his ears. He moaned hard. He tightened his legs on my hips. I slowly run my tongue down to his neck, slowly, zigzagging it’s way up and down. He moaned harder this time then embraced me harder.

“Stop,” he said.

---

We we’re still naked next to each other. My left arm holding his right. Both starring into the ceiling and beyond.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized.

“Bakit ganun na lang lagi. Last time ganun din. Mataba ba ako? Pangit ba ako?,” he asked.

“No you’re not. You know that,” I answered.

He turned to his left. I turned to him and hugged him tight.

“Ang tigas tigas mo kanina, bakit biglang nawala?,” he asked.

“Kala ko ayaw mo na. Sabi mo ‘stop’ kaya tinigil ko,” I answered.

“Nakikiliti na ako. Hindi ko na kase kaya,” he said. “Ganun din lagi ah. Six months pa naman na hinintay ko 'to para sa 'yo. Ayaw mo ba sa akin?,” he continued.

“Alam mo hindi totoo ‘yan. Hindi ko din ma-explain eh. Actually dalawa kayo. Hindi ko alam bakit pagdating sa inyo hindi ko magawa,” I tried to explain myself.

“Xtian naiinitan na ako,” he answered then stood up, put on his clothes and headed straight to the other bed adjacent to mine.

That night I was not able to sleep. So I put on my clothes and wrapped myself with the warm blanket and faced the wall so I could not see him on the other bed.

It was already morning and the sun is up when I noticed him lounged next to me and hugged me. He started kissing my neck and he was rough. It was the first time I saw him like that. He grabbed me by my crotch and pulled my boxers down. I felt excited and hard. So hard. Then he sat unto me and started to thrust me into him. He was moving fast.

“Knock knock knock.”

Someone’s knocking on our door. So we hurriedly put on our clothes. I wrapped myself with blanket and pretend I was sleeping while he opened the door as if nothing happened.

“Good morning!,” shouted Mickey*. “Uy tulog pa tong isang to? Malalate na tayo ah. Alas otso na,” Mickey added as he put the bread to our table.

I pretended that I was awaken by his voice and stretched before I stood up.

“May tinapay, mango jam at cheese dito Xtian. Kumain na kayo at late na tayo,” Mickey repeated.

“Kumain ka na para maka-alis na tayo,” Dan* added pretending too that nothing happened between us.

---

Ewan ko hindi ko din ma-explain talaga bakit pagdating kay Dan bigla na lang nawawalan ako ng gana in the middle ng encounter. He looks good and sobrang bait pa. Ideal nga siya na maging partner eh. We used to date 5 years ago pero naging complicated yung situation naming kaya we didn’t end up together.

It took us years to be in speeking terms with each other kase I choose to go away. It took a letter from him for me to finally agree to meet up with him again. Siguro kase nagttxt siya na magsex daw kami ulit which I can no longer do kase I already have someone else with me.

The first time we did it, hindi successful kase virgin pa siya at sobrang sakit daw. The second time when I bid him goodbye. Then the last yung na kwento ko sa taas. Siguro we’re not meant to be lovers, hanggang friends lang siguro kami. Kase lagi naman hindi natutuloy.

I really don’t know. Bahala na. I’m sure hindi naman siya mawawala sa akin kase mahal naman ako ng taong ‘yun and I feel something for him din naman hindi nga lang ako sure kung ano ‘yun pero I do.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not real names to hide true identities of the people involved.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.canadiannetmall.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/Resolved.jpg

Avatar

2009-12-17T10:41:00.002+08:00

I was invited to watch the premier night of James Cameron's Avatar yesterday. Before going to the venue I went to Trinoma first to withdraw money to pay for my phone bill. The queue to BDO's atm was long so it took me awhile. I'm a bit sad because we didn't receive our salary again so I have no other choice but to use my savings. After withdrawing I went to SUN shop in Trinoma but it was already closed because they're having their Christmas party. I noticed two women went out from their shop so I asked them where the nearest SUN shop aside from this branch is. I was told to go to SM North annex so I went there.

I passed by IMAX theatre and people were already going inside its lobby for the cocktails. So I hurriedly walked towards SM North annex to pay for my phone. While on the queue, I received a text from a friend asking me if there's a SUN shop in SM annex. I told him to text me his details so I could pay his bill and pay me when we meet later on at IMAX.

After paying I went to IMAX and look for my friend who invited me to watch Avatar. I asked for two tickets to give to a friend who I also invited. I actually invited another friend to watch the movie with me since he did not confirm I ask this friend instead. Even though we are best of friends I rarely meet or invite him going out on a weekdays because he lives in Cavite and going to Manila during weekdays would be too hassle and hard for him due to the heavy traffic in Coastal Area.

Then one by one familiar faces arrived, mostly colleagues from media and from my free lance job. It was actually a mini reunion. My editor was there, friends from arts, showbiz and fashion, and more. By 7:30pm people were lining up and entering the theatre. We're asked to leave our mobile phones and laptops at the counter to prevent pirates from recording the movie.

By 7:45pm my friend was still in Taft so I asked him to ride MRT instead. I told him to give his name to the guard and tell the guard that he's with me so he could enter the theatre. I already wrote his name on the ticket for him to enter the theatre later on before I deposited my mobile phones and laptop and went inside the theatre with my editor and his friend.

Inside we saw another friend from afar so we called him to have a seat next to us. Then the movie started and my friend wasn't there yet. I put on my 3D glasses and seated comfortably to watch the flick.

The movie was so good. I really loved it. I enjoyed it a lot. James Cameron created another world, so much different from us and so surreal. The alien planet was so colorful, full of exotic life forms and mysteries unknown to us.

I also like the characters not to mention the lead is so hot even though he's on a wheelchair. I really didn't notice him that much in Terminator Salvation but in this film, of f*ck, he's hot. I don't know, even though you just see his face most of the time but there something about him. You see him with his long unruly hair 'til he almost went bald and then curly. Him talking on a camera recording his daily activities, his eyes (his dreamy eyes haha) as if he's looking directly at me (it must be the 3D trick haha). You'll like his Avatar too. Sigh enough already.

It was a very long movie but I didn't feel like it was that long (about 3 hours I think). There were no dragging scenes. The movie started with him joining the project to replace his twin brother who died recently. He was an ex-Marine that will become an Avatar, a human mind on an alien body. He will be using his twin's Avatar because it will only work to humans with the same genetic structure with the original human. Even though he's crippled it will not affect the alien body (which wasn't crippled) so they hired him instead of just throwing the alien body away.

Since he was an ex-Marine he was given a secret mission by the Marine group to explore the locals. Gain the locals trust and feed the Marine any information he gets from them. In exchange, if he will be successful, the Marines will reward him to be able to walk with his own two feet again.

During one of the exploration an incident happens leaving him all alone in the forest of the alien planet. Then he meets with one of the locals and later on captured by the rest of them. The alien tribe decided to show him their ways and train him a warrior since he was the first warrior (non-scientist) Avatar. Then he finds himself torn between two worlds, to fight for his own survival and that of the aboriginal people.

I don't want to be a spoiler but I am encouraging you to watch it. It will be worth it. We all had so much fun and in awe. Everyone clapped when the credits started rolling.

We went outside and saw my friend. He was 30 minutes late but was able to catch up. We went to Araneta Center to eat. My friend was actually drunk and only had 2 hours of sleep so he's having headache. He said he's still ok and in fact he'll be meeting someone later on for a boom boom pow. My head hurts a bit too due to the 3D effects, it strained my eyes. He accompanied me until I was able to ride a jeepney going home.

I noticed that I had a text message when I checked my phone. It said, " Grabe yng miting mu ha 10hrs na."

"Pauwi na. Sakit ng mata ko," I replied.

"Grabe nkkasakt pa mata miting," he texted back.

"Oo naman kse pumunta p kami s avatar," I replied again.

"Ava at nanuod p muvi…lbas aq maya wla drnks kht wter at bli q yosi," he texted again.

I didn't reply because I was already inside the house. I went to our room and told him that it was a premier night.

"Sus nasa labas ka na nga hindi ka pa bumili ng drinks. Tinext na nga kita wala drinks," he scolded me.

"Nasa bahay na kaya ako nung natangap ko text mo. Tsaka kanina ka pa ditto hindi ka pa bumili, inantay mo pa talaga ako eh 1am na," I answered back.

Natahimik siya, nakakita ako ng ensymada at cinnamon rolls sa bed. Kumuha ako ng isa at kumain. Ayun na-uhaw ako. Pero deadma, then sabay pumunta ng banyo para maligo. After taking the batch he was still there and didn't go out to buy water or soft drinks or anything to drink. So I just went to bed after putting on some clothes. He stood up and went outside. Probably to buy drinks. When he came back he didn't buy any drinks, yosi lang binili niya. Ayun papamatigasan pala eto so natulog na lang ako.

Araw araw na lang ba ganito. Ewan, bahala na at least nag enjoy ako sa Avatar at baka mapapanaginipan ko pa 'yung bida hehe.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.wildaboutmovies.com/images_7/AvatarPoster_000.jpg

Gravity

2009-12-15T11:42:00.003+08:00

This is what I feel these past two months, still does:

Gravity
By Sara Bareilles

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do, I still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I
Try to make you see that you're
Everything I think I need here on the ground.

But you're neither friend nor foe though I
Can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
You're keeping me down, yeah, yeah, yeah

You're onto me, onto me and all over
Something always brings me back to you
It never takes too long

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.geekologie.com/2007/02/anti-gravity.jpg

Luggage

2009-12-07T13:27:00.002+08:00

Last Friday, the tailor was not able to finish my tux in time so I had to go to several places in the metro to pull-out for the clothes I had to wear the next day. Then I had to buy new belt, 2 pairs of leather shoes (I can’t decide which one to buy so I bought two), socks etc. Luckily for me a friend accompanied me because his work location is just near to where I shopped.

After the pull-out, while waiting for a jeepney to take us to the nearest MRT station, my friend ask me what’s wrong with me. I said nothing’s wrong but he didn’t buy it. So for the first time I told him everything. This was really a revelation to him and a liberating experience on my side. He also notice the exchanged messages Mon* and I had on our status in Facebook about rants and “It’s over” shout outs.

“Do you remember five years ago when I suddenly bid goodbye the last time we had sex? It was actually uneventful because I was not able to perform like I used to. It was hard for me to do that but I had to. You were confused then and the next day I disappeared just like that,” I reminded him.

“Yes I remember that, it was all in the past. It’s no big deal now. At least we’re still friends,” Joey* replied with a weary smile.

“I’m sorry. The thing is, when we were still dating we knew that we’re also dating other people. It’s not exclusive for us, right? I met someone whom I fell in love with. We’ve been living together ever since,” I continued while faking a smile. It was hard to tell him all that.

“But you said, you still can’t decide because you had a girlfriend. That you love her,” he reminded me. He was puzzled. “I thought that you disappeared because of her. Five years? Tagal na noon ah.”

“Well it’s true, pinagsabay ko sila – for a while. Then I get lost sa kanya and sobra ko na siya minahal. Noong nakilala mo ako alam mo na I’m confused kung ano talaga gusto ko. Kahit ako, alam ko mahal ko yung partner ko pero hindi ko matangap na nagmahal ako sa kapwa ko. Kaya tinago ko relationship namin sayo at kay Mon kase hindi ko matangap ang sarili ko,” I told him while staring into nothing.

“Ganun ka pa din. Like before, still confused. Matagal na ‘yun, napatawad na kita. I wrote you a letter pa nga d ba? Nageexplain ako sa side ko baka kase ako ang dahilan ng paglayo mo. Now I understand, it’s you all along,” Joey smiled gently.

“Oo nga, tapos you we’re asking na magkita tayo na pagbigyan kita na matulog ako sa place mo. Na mag-sex ulit tayo pero lagi ako gumagawa ng dahilan para hindi mangyari ‘yun d ba? Hehe,” I gave a laugh.

“Oo nga. So bakit ka malungkot? Dba dapat masaya ka kase maglilimang taon na pala kayo,” he inquired more.

“May iba na kase siya. Masakit pala ano. Kala ko ganun lang ‘yun. Hindi ko pala kaya na may kahati,” I replied his inquiry.

“Ganun ba. Pero may girlfriend ka din noon ah noong naging kayo,” he reminded me.

“Oo nga pero hiniwalayan ko din yun para sa kanya. Naalala ko pa nga dati na asar na asar siya sa isang kaofficemate ko na babae na dati ko ka-MU pagtumatawag ng madaling araw para makipagkita sa akin. Pero alam mo binigay ko sa kanya lahat,” I answered him trying to held back the tears that were starting to form.

“Kaya ako naniniwala ako sa karma. Alam mo ba noong hiniwalayan ako ni Mar* dahil sa iba? Ayun hindi sila nagtagal at nagkaroon din ng iba pala agad ‘yung ipinalit sa akin. At ang malupit noon, ang ipinalit sa kanya ‘yung housemate pa ni Rage* (bestfriend ni Joey). Kaya ayun noong nagkausap kami ulit ni Mar, humihinga siya ulit ng tawad pero hindi na maibabalik ang dati,” he smiled sadly as he narrated what happened to him and Mar.

“Kaya nga e, ganun talaga siguro. Uy late na. Ano inuman na lang tayo. Tawagan mo si Rage para sabay tayo. Iuwi ko lang ‘tong mga dala ko then kita tayo sa Timog,” I suggested.

Joey dialed Rage number and we all agreed to meet in Timog by 1 am.

By 1 am, I met Joey, Rage and one of their friend (Kiko* who happened to be broken hearted as well) in Kamias where 7-11 used to operate. We took the jeep going to Timog and went to a bar somewhere in Timog.

While drinking I opened up to Rage and Kiko. Kiko also told me what happened to him. Kiko caught his partner with another guy in their own bed. I can’t imagine what he must have felt that fateful day. I can only sympathize with him.

Then I told them that if I had to be in a relationship I had to make sure na bottom na siya. Neither versa nor top, because he might look for someone para siya naman maka-bottom dba. They we’re laughing but I was serious.

I also told Joey that before I bid him goodbye, Mon and I met to discuss. Mon asked me na huwag “sagutin” si Joey because he still felt something for him. That he still gets jealous every time Joey and I went on a date. Since I’m starting to fell for my partner, I agreed.

“Ganun ba ‘yun? Talaga sinabi ni Mon ‘yun?,” Joey wants reassurance. When I nodded, “Mon talaga,” he added.

“So the two of you used to date pala? Kaya pala hindi mo siya mabitawan,” Rage teased Joey while looking at me.

He teased Joey because Joey’s former lover (Mon) was the ex of Rage current partner (Mickey). Joey met Rage because of Mickey. Mickey was asked then by Mon to look after Joey when he left the Philippines for work abroad. Then Joey and Rage became best of friends.

What Joey, Mon and Rage didn’t know was niligawan ako before ni Mickey. I used to date na magkasabay sina Joey and Mickey. Mon even wants to have sex with me kase Joey told him na I was special at may natatanging tinatagong surprise lol. Joey didn’t know I was dating him while I’m dating Mickey kase that time hindi pa sila magkilala dalawa. Nakilala ko si Mickey because of Mon, kase si Mickey ay kapatid ng best friend ng partner ni Mon that time. I dumped Mickey and Joey for my partner before naging si Mickey and Mon. Nagkagalit pa nga one time si Mickey at kapatid niya kase siya ang ipinalit ni Mon sa best friend niya. Then nagkaroon ng partner si Joey (Mar) noong naging si Mickey na at si Mon. Then dinumped ni Mon si Mickey kaya naging si Mickey na at si Rage. Mon wanted Joey back pero hindi na maiwanan ni Joey si Mar kase kawawa daw at mahal na mahal siya. Only to find out na ipinagpalit nga si Joey ni Mar sa iba. At yung iba ni Mar ay iniwan siya para sa housemate naman ni Rage. Hala. Haay complicated.

Ganun talaga ako ka secretive. Kaya nga nung bumalik si Mon para magvacation dito at nag meet kami sa Library laki gulat ni Mickey at nandun ako para magpakita muli. Bale ako, si Mon, Joey, Mickey and Rage were there. Doon lang din nalaman ni Rage na naging si Mon pala at si Mickey. Doon ko lang din na meet si Rage. Paglabas naming ng Library noong bumibili ng kikiam sila Mon, Joey at Rage sa may Crobar lumapit sa akin si Mickey para mangumusta haha. Muntik na daw niya ako hindi makilala kase mataba na daw ako haha bitter lang siya. Pero na-miss daw niya ako. Sa totoo na miss ko naman talaga si Joey, Mon at Mickey, kaya nga pumunta ako at nagpakalate para may grand entrance lol.

By 4am we went outside and roam around the area para magpalipas ng oras. Joey was teasing Kiko that he be gentle with him later. By 5am we decided to go home because I still have a wedding to attend to and I had to wake up by 9am to prepare.

I went home that day somehow a bit happy. I think some luggage that I’ve been carrying for the past 5 years had been lifted off me. To be able to share some things that had been bothering me was really a new experience for me. Wala lang sarap lang sa pakiramdam. Nakatulog ako ng mahimbing kahit 3 hours lang.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not real names to hinde true identity of people involved.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.perfectescapes.com/TheSuiteLife/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/luggage.jpg

Show

2009-12-03T14:48:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was another typical day in the office. As usual, lots of scripts to finish and reports to generate. I’m still having issues with 5 other modules because I had no idea or whatsoever about it when it was turned over to me. It was a long uneventful day.

My phone rang about 3pm yesterday, I checked who was calling and found out it was Aries*, a friend whom I haven’t seen in 2 months.

“Musta?,” I asked as I answered the phone.

“Ok naman ako. Uy punta ka sa show mamaya sa the Fort ha,” Aries invited.

“May meeting pa ako at pupunta pa sa ****** after, baka mga 9pm pa ako free,” I told him while grinning.

“Ano ka ba? The show won’t start ‘til 9pm,” he informed me.

“Hehe oo na pupunta na ako. Text kita when I’m there na,” I agreed.

Kaya ayun by 9pm sharp, I was at the place. My name was not on the guest list as expected pero pinapasok naman ako sa party kase kilala naman din nila ako.

Ayun I was there early. Mga 20 pa lang yata ang tao. I greeted and wished the one who organized the show good luck. Then we started drinking agad.

Then dumami na ang tao at napadami na naman inom ko hehe. Madami famous sa party last night. Then kuhaan ng photo, buti na lang dalawa camera dala ni Phunkie* kaya ako gumamit nung isa hehe and I’m sure na tag na naman ako sa facebook ngayon, e ayaw ko pa naman ma tag kase ang taba taba ko ngayon. Tipsy na ako by 12 midnight so by 12:45 am nagpaalam na ako para umuwi kase may pasok pa the next day.

Mura lang ang binayaran ko sa taxi than the usual. Then ayun nadatnan ko naglalaro ng fish tank sa facebook yung isa sa pad. Naghanda ako ng noodles then went to shower. Sinita niya ako sa kalasingan ko pero d ko na pinansin. Then tulog na agad after pagkakain ng noodles.

Nagising ako ng walang hang over hehe. Pero ito masaya. Kanina papunta ako ng second floor para bumili ng sandwich nang napansin ko na papunta si crush sa building namin. Instead of going straight sa tindahan tiningnan ko siya sa may balcony, pero hindi niya ako makikita hanggang hindi siya makapasok sa building namin. Nung pumasok siya napatingin siya sa taas at nakita ako. Hindi pa din ako umalis kase inaantay ko siya na dumaan sa likuran ko. Then ayun na nga dumaan siya at binati niya ako haha.

“Uy Sir,” he greeted me.

“Napadaan ka sa building naming Sir ah,” I inquired.

“Oo nga Sir, may tatapusin lang na issue,” he answered.

“Ah hehe,” napa-smile ako at nag smile din siya.

Ayun I am inspired today. Gwapo pa rin niya, maputi pa din at nandun pa din yung suplado look niya na I like hehe (at very much married pa din). Ang sarap lang magtrabaho lol.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not real names to hide true identity.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_mQ8ddY_56IM/Su7VYh5HaAI/AAAAAAAABIc/VF7s1E8r2J8/s400/nov+full+moon.jpg

Drama

2009-12-02T14:36:00.002+08:00

Enough drama for the mean time. I need a break. It's a good thing I was invited to two weddings and one beach party over the weekend and the next. I badly need to get away for a moment.

Sorry for the drama. It (romantic life, or so I thought) was not meant to be shared here in blogosphere but I have no where else to let it all out. After all, I decided to open up this blog so I have a venue to share what I've been keeping all my life from the rest of the world.

Life is full of drama (and sh*ts too). It's hard to have friends who don't know this side of me. It's hard not to have friends who knows this side of me. To carry all these feelings and no one there whom I can trust to listen to me. But it's harder when you can't even share what you feel to your partner.

I hope when December ends, I'll leave all the drama behind. I'm (so) looking forward for the year to come. More work, more friends, and most specially more adventures to trigger the curios cat in me.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/f/f8/Drama-icon.png

Talked

2009-12-01T14:41:00.002+08:00

We had a conversation last night. Instead of making things clear, it made me all confuse.

A lot of things we'd discussed but I can't share it here yet.

I'm still hurting and he keeps on denying.

Still thinking so hard. So hard it bleeds.

For the first time I cried. I cried myself to sleep last night.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://communications.uml.edu/sunrise/media/conversation.jpg

SMS

2009-11-26T08:30:00.002+08:00

I went home early yesterday, the client postponed the meeting and rescheduled it later today. I decided to go home first to leave my stuff before going to Taft. I was walking on my way home when we bumped into each other.

“Oh saan ka?,” he asked.

“Hindi natuloy so iwan ko muna gamit ko,” I replied.

“Pupunta ako ng Save More, check ko if pwede pa ‘tong credit card ko,” he said while showing his cards.

“Ok uwi muna ako,” I said as I head for home, he followed me.

Before we entered the house I gave him money.

“Ito na lang gamitin mo, baka hindi pa pwede card mo. Hindi mo pa nabayaran ‘yan,” I offered him.

“Pero try ko pa din,” he said as he accepted the bill.

“Teka akin na nga lang ‘yan at ito na sayo,” as I gave him a larger bill.

I put my stuff on the floor and changed my clothes. He left to set off to Save More. After I finished dressing up I went out and headed to Taft.

On my way back to QC, the train I was in suddenly stopped. So we’re asked to vacate it and wait for another train to come. Ayala MRT Station is still a nightmare. Daming pa din tao putik.

I am in no mood to go home just yet so I decided to go online in a café. I was adding, checking, and replying to whatever there is to do in FB and Multiply. I went online in YM and chatted with some new found friends (thanks sa kakulitan ninyo ha, I appreaciate it a lot, alam nyo na kung sino kayo so no need na magcomment dito lol).

By 12 midnight, the café closes so I decided to go home. I was walking home while talking to a friend on the phone. I haven’t noticed the time, it’s already past 2am so he reminded me that I still have work later so we called it a night.

I entered the room and as expected he was already asleep.

I inserted my other SIM to check for messages. There were 3.

Message 1: “Gusto mo ng nudels?”

Message 2: “Akala ko sa ****** ka lang? tagal ano oras na?

Message 3: “labyue beybi..lock+mu yng dor mu ha bka psukin k ng ka.bord mate mu jan..uhmm”

The first two messages were clearly intented for me, the third one however was for someone else, he just happened to sent it to me accidentally (again).

This time, wala na ako ramamdamam. Ayoko na muna umuwi tonight. Bahala na kung saan ako makikitulog.

---

“I am here to tell you we can never meet again
Simple really, isn't it, a word or two and then”

“Every moment of my life from now until I die
I will think or dream of you and fail to understand
How a perfect love can be confounded out of hand”

“You are all I'll ever want, but this I am denied
Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wish I'd never learned
What it is to be in love and have that love returned”

- excerp from Written In The Stars, Elton John/Tim Rice’s Aida

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image is courtesy of http://www.mobilechoiceuk.com/mobile_choice/cms_assets/news/texting-1-46949-46950.jpg

Pain

2009-11-25T08:22:00.003+08:00

Yesterday I was supposed to go on leave in the afternoon because my headache was still bothering me. However, there is still so much to do in the office so I was not allowed. By 5:30 in the afternoon I decided to go and deliver some stuff for my client. Luckily, a friend was in the area so I decided to meet him up there. My headache still hasn’t ebbed out but already manageable.

I arrived late and saw my friend first looking seriously at his laptop and talking to someone on the phone, apparently doing some office chores. I said hi and took another chair from the opposite table and sat in front of him. I open up my laptop and prepare stuffs for the client. I had coffee while he had cheesecake.

After a while, my client’s friend called up to pick up the stuff and I excused myself to give the stuff. My client’s friend is cute but he was in a hurry so we haven’t got the chance to talk. I assumed that this person is my client’s beau.

My friend and I talked over some issues that are hunting us. By 9 or 9:30 pm we called it a night. Instead of going home, I went to my favorite store to buy some yogurt for myself. It’s been a while since the last time I visited the place, this used to be our favorite yogurt place. I can’t help reminiscing the good old days.

By 11 pm I was home, I was still texting another friend asking him to let me borrow his comics’ collection and texting my new best friend about some issues he’s currently facing, which by the was mirrors mine.

He was already asleep when I arrived. I decided to take a shower and decided to sleep early because I’m still not feeling well.

I was awoken by a sudden pang of pain on my leg. I tried to ignore it at first but the more it hurts, until I can’t take it anymore. I can’t help it but shout. I’m in so much pain that time. I haven’t felt that way before. It’s like piercing me and ripping my muscles apart.

I notice him standing up and switched the light on.

“Xtian, Xtian, tayo ka.”

“Ahhhhhhhhh, hindi ko kaya.”

“Xtian, sige na.”

“Ahhhh, sakit. Sakit sakit.

I don’t know how he did it but he sort of carried me and hugged me tight so I could stand up. I’m pretty heavy but he was able to.

“Tayo ka bilis. Hawak ka lang sa akin.”

I hugged him tight, still closing my eyes trying my best to stand up.

“Ayan ganyan tayo mo lang yan. Shhhh mawawala na 'yan maya maya.”

And he was right, after a while, the pain had become lesser now so I went back to bed. I force myself to sleep again because I was embarrassed. I never expected that I would react that way while in so much pain. Luckily, he didn’t panic as well.

I woke up and my leg still hurts. He was already preparing for school so I headed straight to the shower. After the shower I notice that he already left. I open the door and saw something in the bed. I saw something that I never thought I would ever see again. I suddenly forgot the pain and discomfort brought about by my leg.

My heart melted. I sighed. Then I smiled. (Sh*t! The small things he does.)

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image is courtesy of http://scrapetv.com/News/News%20Pages/Health/Images/Knee-Pain.jpg

I

2009-11-24T15:35:00.002+08:00

“Gising na maligo ka na. 6 am na.”

“Sakit ng ulo ko.”

I love him because he takes good care of me.

I love him because he makes me feel secured.

I love him because he makes me smile.

“If magkakaroon ka ng iba, pakilala mo sa akin ha. Para naman malaman ko na you’ll be in good hands.”

“Ano ka ba? Why do you have to talk like that?”

I love him because he’s smart, funny and outspoken. We often had friendly arguments over things that interest either one of us. We debate over simple things.

I love him because he’s strict. He always reminds me of things that I often forget. He guides me always. Spoon fed.

I love him because he thinks I’m cuter when I’m fat. He would then tickle me and then we wrestle until we stop when we ran out of breath.

“Nakahiga ka na naman diyan. Hindi ka pa nga naliligo eh. Didikit ang dumi ng katawan mo sa bed. Kaya tayo nagkakataghiyawat niyan.”

“Pagod ako. Pahinga lang ng konti. I’m here naman sa may paanan.”

I love him because he stays with me all day without anything to do and without anything to say. We could stay in bed all day and night just starring at each other and sometimes smiles at each other.

I love him because he makes me feel loved and with all the little things he does.

I love him just because.

“Close your eyes. Can you feel where in your face I’m pointing my finger to?”

“Here?”

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Images courtesy of http://www.liverefresh.com/images/beach-silhouette.jpg

He

2009-11-24T09:39:00.002+08:00

“What happened to us?”

“Ikaw eh, ever since you got famous with what you do, you no longer have time with me.”

He’s sweet in his own little ways. He really takes time to know what makes me happy. He doesn’t want to be hugged but he hugs me all the time because I like it.

He loves music and would often sing along with his favorite tunes. He used to be afraid of videoke’s but still sing a song or two if I ask him to. Now he can carry a tune well.

He loves to cook for others. He would prepare the food and watch me while I eat. He would explain how one ingredient compliments the other. He would explain how it would be served. He would grin if he thinks that I love it.

“Dati kase lagi tayo magkasama.”

“But you said we depend on each other too much. That I have to meet other people too.”

He loves his coffee and cigarettes. It’s either latte or a mix of chocolate, mallows and lots of creamer. We often went to the rooftop and watch the stars while he finishes his coffee.

He loves photography. He took photos of himself, friends and me, but mostly of me, most of the time. Then he edits it and turns it into his masterpiece.

He loves reading books. He buys books all the time even if he ran out of money. He knows that I love books as well. We usually lie down on bed with his legs over mine as we race who’ll finished first. Sometimes he will read it aloud for us if we want to read the same book together.

“Diba, every night I when I am about to go home I’ll text you and ask you to accompany me eat dinner outside.”

“Sometimes it’s best to eat inside the pad.”

He loves movies and so do I. We would watch movies together at the theatre. Even if he doesn’t like the film he stills accompany me. Then we would play his DVD collections over and over again during idle nights.

He loves to stare at me in the morning. I would often catch him looking at me. Then he would smile and shows me the photo of me that he just took. He would then say, “Oily ng skin mo?” Then grin while I try to wipe my face.

He loves to teach. He would lend his time to those who wants to know something that he knows. He doesn’t teach me though hehe.

“We usually have Sunday for ourselves but I often catch you talking with someone on the phone.”

“You always talk about work anyway.”

He loves to browse the net. He could spend all day and night browsing the net, playing flash games on facebook, and adding friends on networking sites - including his exes.

He loves his family. I know, I met them already and I know how he takes care of them.

He loves me and a few others too.

“Malay mo you’ll meet someone else too. Go ahead. You might fall in love hangang itatago mo na din sa akin.”

“You’ll leave me na ba?”

”You know I will never do that.”

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://imagecache5.art.com/p/LRG/29/2901/AKWPD00Z/jeff-greenberg-silhouette-of-man-on-pier-fl.jpg

Sick

2009-11-23T10:44:00.002+08:00

I had a very long day yesterday. I already woke up by 7 am because Mina’s* been ringing my phone nonstop. I forced myself to get up even if I still want to sleep some more, I only get to have 2 hours and 30 minutes of sleep.

The sun is up and its rays illuminate my now beige (used to be white) wall. He’s still asleep by my side so I carefully got up so not to wake him up, you see I still refuse to talk to him since the wrong sent message I received from him. I look at him while he sleeps, his breathe is in a constant rhythm and fine lines starts to show on his forehead. He still looks handsome while I’m gaining so much weight. The light being reflected by my wall added the whimsical feel of seeing him sleep calmly, I wonder what or whose he’s dreaming of now.

I stood in front of the mirror and checked the stranger looking back at me. My unruly long hair (my trademark to be different in my field so that clients will remember me from hoards of wannabees out there, I once was a wannabee too so I know how hard it is to penetrate) seemed to be a total disaster. I remember Kim Chiu’s Rejoice commercial and thought that I might to get that shampoo for myself to soften my buhaghag hair, maybe it might do some miracle. It’s been two years since I got myself a proper hair cut. I ought to have Taboo’s (Black Eyed Pees) from their latest video, but worried it might affect my career. Sacrifice - why does it have to be so hard? The person in the mirror was grinning and shaking his head, telling me how silly I am.

My arms are huge now from dragging my stuff (the total weight of the bag is about 190 lbs) whenever I have to meet my clients (and that does not include my 3 other luggage. It’s hard not to have my own car). You can’t see the muscles that once were so obvious except for the triceps. My abs were gone completely and turned into jelly like caterpillar-ish shaped attached to my body. My clients and friends say that I’m lucky to be tall or else I’ll look like a walking ball now. My beard doesn’t help much, so I thought the beard should go first before someone else out there will hire me to play Santa on their children’s Christmas Party.

After examining myself, I asked myself what have I become. I need to bring my old self back again. Two years of stopping from working out and eating the same amount of food could turn you into a stranger you used to hide yourself from, someone you refuse to meet after seeing the person first in an eyeball. Talk about karma.

He succeeded in turning me into this so that no other people would look at me, desire for me, would want me. It’s also because I let him to. I used to feel secured from him, from our relationship so I really don’t care that much how other people see me as long as he’ll be there for me. I remember how he would document my progress (of getting fat) everyday by snapping photos of me and put it in a well kept folder in his laptop.

This has to stop and I must need to do something, I told myself. All I need is two months but my schedule was impossible today. You see, work in the office is piling up and I end up going out by 8 or 9pm. Most of the time, I still have to meet clients for a meeting. My weekends are already booked until March 2010. Have to travel locally and across some countries in Asia. I only get to sleep 4 hours max everyday. What I need now is to review my schedule so I’ll find time for myself.

By 8 am I went to Toto* and Vangie* (a married couple) to fetch Mina who had an overnight sleep there, we ate breakfast. As much as I’d love to play wii with my friend’s son, I declined the child’s request because it’s already 8:45 am and the client’s call time is 9 am. We arrive late (my first, Mina moves like a snail that’s why) so we have to begin the session right away. Some point in the session I excused myself quickly to meet another client from our last session.

By 4 pm we went to the street and after a while we went back upstairs to the client’s condo unit. Then I felt dizzy, it must be the heat. Or I got “hawa” by my client’s sickness. Toto and Vangie came to fetch me and Mina. Toto* is also having colds and fever so I got worried I might get sick later on. By 8pm we finished the session and I’m already not feeling well (again my first). I have to meet another client pa sana somewhere in Makati but called them that I can’t make it because I felt dizzy and might get sick. I was also supposed to meet a friend in Timog but he called up that he’s going na and can’t wait for me.

Toto, Vangie, Mina and I decided to have dinner first before going to another meeting but after dinner I told them that I need to rest na and head home. Told then I can’t afford to get sick because I still have loads of stuff to do in the office the next day. I gave Toto two medicines and have 2 for myself to prevent myself from getting sick. By 9:30 pm I was already home, he was not there so I decided to take a shower, then texted some friends whom I befriended these past few days before switching to my regular SIM.

Upon tuning the phone on, I was bombarded with text messages from one client and was asking me why he didn’t get any from the last session. I didn’t reply instead called another friend. Told my friend that I didn’t deliver any to this client because I’m against violence. I’ve known lately that this client hurts other people physically and how I am against it. Remember, my mom suffered really badly from my Dad so I really don’t care if the client will get mad at me. I have way better and powerful contacts than him, and I’ve heard no one wants to work with him anymore. I also called the other client as to why he did not inform me about this particular client, had I known earlier, I wouldn’t have work with him in the first place.

Before going to bed I took vitamins and some meds to prevent from getting sick the next day. It’s only 11:30 pm and that was my earliest sleep since I forgot.

He woke me up by 6 am, he told me to get up or I’ll be late. Saw him already dressed up and ready to leave for the University. I had a headache and throat hurts a bit. Oh well, I need to get up and be ready for office. Still loads of stuff to finish.

So now here I am in the office, finishing this entry while waiting for the program to end its query. I also logged in to multiply (it’s been a while huh) and added 44 friends and clients from 143 invitations, too bad FB is restricted here so I can’t add some friends right now. I’m quite better now but still my head hurts a bit. I can manage this, after all, the office policy is no work no pay. I can’t afford to absent myself even for just a day, sayang ang miles hehe.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not real names to protect people involved.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://densonhomehealth.com/images/sick%20child%201.gif

Rain

2009-11-20T09:36:00.002+08:00

I left the office early yesterday. By 5pm I went out and headed to Makati to meet a client. As usual I had fun spending time with the client, I’m on my usual talkative mood and the client showed his normal shiny personality.

I had fun spending time with him, but I had to cut our meeting short because I promise a friend to attend the premier night of Ninja Assassin at the Gateway Mall in Cubao.

It was already 7:45 pm and I’m still in Makati heading to MRT Ayala Station, the premier night will start at 8pm. I texted my friend and told him I’m on my way and also asked if I’ll be able to make it. He said yes because it’s still early and a lot of trailers will be shown before the actual movie.

The queue was so long so I had to wait patiently. As usual the platform was jam-packed with people heading north. I had to squeeze my body to fit in when the train finally arrived, there’s no time to wait for another train so I had to be on that train or else I won’t be able to make it.

Upon entering, I notice a cute guy so I decided to stand next to him. I moved closer so I had to put my right leg at the back of his left leg and carefully place myself so I could still see his face haha. The train is masikip so my intentions weren’t that obvious. Every now and then I tried to brush my elbow against his and he responded by doing the same. I noticed that he’s looking at me through our reflection on the glass in front of us. Nahiya ako, so I looked down. Shet, I notice his feet (naka tsenelas lang siya), maitim at ang his nails are shiny. Hala naka nail polish yata. Na turn-off ako so I distanced myself a little bit away from him. Sayang cute pa naman at may potential.

At Boni station the train halted to let some passengers out and some went in. The three persons in front of us went out so I decided to take a seat so does the cute guy. Deadma lang kPOST http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.do HTTP/1.1ase turn-off na nga.

Upon arriving at Cubao Station I went out the train and doon din pala stop niya. Shet dikit ng dikit sa akin as in magkadikit na ang braso namin, gusto ko na mag-give in kaso I still have a movie to watch and I don’t like the idea that he wears shiny nail polish so binagalan ko lakad ko at hinayaan ko na siya mauna. Aba bumagal din siya ng kaunti, pero I think na nanotice niya na hindi ako susunod so bumilis na lakad niya papalayo.

I arrived at the Gateway mall and use the elevator heading to the floor where the cinema is. I told them my contact and went in, luckily ang daming trailer so the movie hasn’t started yet. Ang daming movies to watch for like Clash of the Titans, Avatar at Sherlock. Can’t wait to watch these movies, and I was told that the Avatar’s premier night will be at IMAX theatre in MOA in full 3D haha. Mas lalo ako na-excite.

The Ninja Assassin finally started. Wala ako masabi kundi dugo, puro dugo. Brutal siya at tiyak matutuwa ang mga hard core fans ang gory movies. Simula pa lang yung pagtatatto at dumudugo ang skin pero wala lang pala yun. I don’t want to be a spoiler pero bloody talaga ang movie na ‘to. At first masho-shock ka kase you don’t expect the movie to be like that. Muntik na ako umalis kase parang hindi ko na kaya. Along the way masasanay ka na din. Buti nga it’s rated PG-13 (with extreme caution) and not R-18. Sabagay sayang naman kase ang mga fans ni Rain ay mga teens, baka hindi makapanood.

Overall I actually like the movie. It’s a popcorn-ish movie but the effort of the lead star blows me away. Rain, the lead star, as a singer doesn’t appeal that much for me pero with this movie sobra siya naging hot for me. With his almost perfect sculpted body hahaay drool worthy haha (Doc Mike at Ternie ‘wag na mag roll ang eyes niyo ha hmp). Plus the moves, shet, the moves na may dugo dugo haha, I don’t know pero pinipigilan ko lang sarili ko kase my straight friends were there and I don’t want to give them ideas. First time ko sasabihin to, ang “yummy” niya sa movie haha. I can’t even believe myself that’s what I was thinking almost the entire movie despite all its goriness. Mas lalo ako nainganyo na mag gym na talaga at mag enroll sa Elorde.

I recommend this film sa inyo. Go watch it. His “moves” pa lang, worth it na.

The last part of the movie ay parang commercial ng Clear Shampoo for Men hehe. Nasa rooftop siya while the wind blows his jet-black dandruff-free hair haha. Tama na nga at manood na lang kayo when showing na sa theatres near you.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Photo is courtesy of http://www.onscreenchemistry.com/img/user/Ninja_Assassin.jpg

CMLR

2009-11-17T10:09:00.002+08:00

After I was introduced to YM, I have no idea where to look for hookups except from the infrequent chatters. I almost gave up on YM because there nothing there actually that could gratify my desire for a link up. Then I meet this certain chatter from one of the random rooms that I’ve visited. He asked for a cam to cam session and apparently like me. We talked for a while and then invited me to a chat room. From then on my chatting days have transform and my life drastically changed.

The chat room was called “Cute Men’s Locker Room” and I am sure some of you might have been a fan of the said room. It was then later coined as the CMLR room.

If I remember it right, it was on the middle part of 2004 when I get to visit CMLR for the first time. It was an awakening on my part, a realization that there are actually a lot of people like me. Have the same situation and issues that they are trying to understand – to cope up. Not only to find answers but to accept the diversity that the society was trying to ignore; spoken only in hush tones. CMLR provide me doors for my self-discovery.

Days ago, I just had the first experience of doing it to a guy with consent. I let my curiosity won me over and it fed the latent part of me. Slowly roused by the deed and increased my thirst for my newly found discovery. Just like when you did it the first time with your girl but better. Better because you were told it’s not possible or that it’s forbidden. Just a matter of days and life could actually changed – my life that is.

I met friends online, but these people I choose not to meet because they are the instrument of my self discover, hence, my acceptance so I give them my respect. I don’t want to jeopardize things with them that’s why I choose not see them in person. There were others whom I get to meet and hookup and end up in bed, a lot of them as a matter of fact. It was liberation, a freedom and I used it well. I meet different people to master the craft of having sex with your own kind. I make sure that everyday off, I should have at least 2 people to meet and do the deed. It was all fun, it was all play. My rule is simply: don’t do it with your online friends.

There were times, of course, that you get to meet people who fell for you. I was not there for a commitment. I was there to explore and play. One meet is all what I need, but one meet might lead people to fall for you. It wasn’t my fault but I don’t believe that people fall in love in just one meeting. They must have mistaken a good deed or lust for something else called love. Thus, they thought they were into you.

I’m not that much of a looker but I have my qualities. I don’t even think that I’m the kind of guy that you would turn your head when I pass by, but somehow some do haha (feeling). And like most of you out there, I was also pihikan. Maybe I just played my cards all too well, I don’t know. I really don’t know what they found in me that interest them.

In time, I get to learn a game called let others fall for you and crash them later then off you go. Meeting people and just doing the deed bore me in a while. I am not perfect and I am not that good of a person. I have my own share of silliness and you might curse me all you want and I don’t care.

I remember this one nursing student that I met in Starbucks. We had coffee and saw a movie. I played with his emotions and fell for me big time. After 3 days left him without a word, his been contacting me to no avail and he was devastated.

There’s this one guy I met and while doing the deed he kept on telling me that he loves me. I asked him if he meant it and said yes. So I played a long and broke his heart after my next day off. He got so mad so I visit him again and act as if to win him back and when he fell I left him for good.

Then there’s this game where I was fooling around with lovers – by far the meanest. No need to elaborate, go figure.

I’ve been playing and fooling around for months and could no longer count the people I rallied until I met someone and gradually I fell for that someone big time. The good thing though is that he felt the same but he’s already taken. We were caught and were hurt big time. The three of us end up hurt, lost and devastated. It was karma and the joke was on me.

I know now how it felt and so sorry for the things I’ve done. I used not to believe that a man could fall in love with another man. I thought it’s ridiculous and silly. But when I did fall, I fall into a trap that I set up. The damaged has been done.

I cried a river of tears and my drinking habits went overboard. My health was affected and my work in call center suffered. I was admitted in a hospital twice before I finally resigned from work.

Despite of it all, I still frequent CMLR. Still playing the game but felt empty afterwards. The thrill was no more. I no longer find joy in what I do. Then I happen to chat with one person. I don’t know but I suddenly open up myself and told him everything. He offered his friendship and told me that I should have real friends who are like me in order for me to be guided and truly understand this kind of life that we had. So I agreed to meet him up only to end up in bed with him haha.

He was sincere in being friends with me. He introduced me to another friend. Somehow he was able to help me. Gradually, I was able to stand up again. But he end up falling in love with me, since I respected him that much and thankful for his help I told him that we should remain just friends.

Now that I think I have the liberty to chat again and meet up with new buddies, I tried to check the room but it was no longer there, all YM rooms actually. I still found the yahoo group which to my surprise is still active - new rules, new people and it evolved into something else. And so far I can’t find the web but I guess they’re no longer have one. I think CMLR now was not the same as before, it will never be. Time flies really fast.
I check my old YM id and found out that I still have loads of PMs and requests as old as last month haha. They even leave their numbers. My downelink and other myspace are still active but empty now, I don’t know why (maybe that’s the penalty for 5 years of absence haha). Amazing, my other friendster account is still active and my contacts are still there haha. Should I be active again? Hmm need to think about it.

For what I am now and what I have become, somehow, CMLR (the chat room) played a vital role. So this entry serves as a dedication to CMLR and all the people I came to know there.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image is courtesy of http://morethananelectrician.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/lockerroom1.jpg

Pasta

2009-11-11T10:25:00.002+08:00

The early morning brought cool winds gently but slowly numbing me. I’m freezing. It is the time of the year when Manila normally went chilly. The snow slowly melts from neighboring countries and the wind carries the frosty breeze in the usually humid Metropolitan. I can no longer take the cold so I forced myself to stretch to ease the numbness I was feeling.

I wake up early that day. It’s been few days since I just arrived from the province, spent the Holidays with my family. It was 2005 already, time flies really fast I thought. Since it was my day off from the call center that I used to work for, I decided to go shopping. I know discounts were all over the malls due to the ending season. I haven’t shop for myself because I give most of the stuff I bought last year to my siblings. I even bought mom and dad gifts. I had to start the day early to look for the finest discounted items just for myself.

I arrived early before the mall opened its doors for frugal shoppers like me. There were already a number of us outside patiently waiting for the mall to be opened. I am not surprised because when I used to look for a job, I usually go to mall early to escape from tending my little cousins and end up just like this – waiting for the mall to open.

When the mall finally opened, I roamed around the mall. I used to think that Galleria is my play ground whenever I get bored from sleeping all day at the boarding house, my escape from the metro's scorching heat. I was already mid-lunch were able to buy about 3 shirts and pair jeans when I finally said I had enough strolling.

It was a long day and didn’t expect to spend the whole morning at the mall so I decided to log online. After a while, I received a private message from Ted*, it says:

“Xtian, where you at?”

“At the mall,” I replied.

“Want to craPOST http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.do HTTP/1.1sh my pad?,” he offered.

“He’s there? So finally, I can meet him (his partner) na?,” I asked.

“Nope, ako lang dito. Wala magawa. Sige na, I’ll cook for you,” the text said.

“Sige ba. What time? Text mo sa akin paano makapunta sa place mo ha.”

Ted told me to go to his place by 11pm. I took a jeep and it passes Rosario going to Cubao and then took another bus going to his place somewhere in QC.

It was a long ride, I didn’t take a taxi because umandar pagkakuripot ko.

I texted him when I finally arrived at the place he texted me. I waited for a while before someone got out of the building carrying two plastic bags full of rubbish. He signaled me to go near him as he throws the bags away.

“Ang layo pala,” told him.

“Ikaw ang malayo hehe. Tara,” he offered.

His place is small but very nice. Only a lamp posted near the kitchen illuminates the area. The entire place was decorated and posted by film memorabilia (LOTR, Star wars, etc.) and several posters of performers. I already know that he loves music and computers so it’s not a shocker for me to see the set up. In fact, back in college I also put huge posters of movie on my walls given from my classmate who owns a video renting store. What surprise me though are the toys hanging here and there all over the place. He’s a child at heart, prettily like me.

“I’m preparing Pasta – my specialty. Sana magustuhan mo,” he smiled as he chops button mushrooms and black olives.

“Favorite ko ‘yan Ted. Wow, excited na ako,” told him delightfully as I drop the shopping bags that I was carrying on top of the table where the lamp is situated.

He carefully prepared the ingredients and checked the pasta from time to time if it’s ready. I love watching him. It was actually a scene to behold. Wow, I never thought someone would prepare food for me other than my mother. I usually cook for my ex-gfs before but no one prepared one for me. I didn’t know that small gesture would bring him closer to me. Slowly, I am opening my heart for him.

“Ayan na,” he said as he offered a plate of Pasta to me.

“Wow, ang sarap men,” told him while savoring the pasta. It was delicious, more that what I expect actually. He told me that he used to work in a hotel kitchen. Now I know why this Pasta tastes so good. He even told me that next time he will prepare a different one.

We chat for a while and then told me to watch some of his DVD collections. While the movie played he fell asleep. I can’t help but look at him while he sleeps. He looks really good, kind of chubby but it actually complements him. Thick brows and long lashes. His unusual red lips and freckles compliment his fair skin. He looks at ease while he sleeps.

Why I am doing this, am I falling for him? This has to stop, I told myself. He’s already taken and I should not go beyond the limits of friendship he’s given me.

After 2 movies, I decided its time for me to go. I woke him up and told him that the sun is about to rise. That I need to go home because I have work later in the evening and haven’t slept yet.

He accompanied me downstairs and hailed a jeep. I smiled as the jip took me away from him. Absentmindedly, I am hugging my shopping bag thinking that he’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever had that day. That what inside the shopping bag compares nothing to the joy he has given me. At that moment, I was changed. I decided not to play games anymore. Not to hurt people heart anymore - to open my heart again after three years of mourning from heartache brought by my ex-girl friend. I will start to look for someone like him to spend moments with - to finally look and find love.

You see it was him who changed me and the catalyst for me to open my heart and be able to love again. I never thought it was him who brought back the pain that cost me three years of mourning. That caused me to play with other people emotions and struck them pain to my hearts content. I never thought that the old me that I thought was dead eons ago will rise again and “might” play the hunting/hurting game again.

Watch me as I will rise from the grave. 2 months, give me two months and then I decide which path to take. Who knows I might start with Ted.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not actual name to protect the identity of the person.
P.S. Image courtesy of http://www.restaurantwidow.com/images/2007/05/29/pasta.jpg

Melancholia

2009-11-10T19:03:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I think my bosses have this ability to detect whether I’m down or not. When I’m on my usual happy self, they won’t give me lot of things to do in the office. However, when I’m down and sad they give me lots of things to do and have to finish soon. Now, I’m quite not myself but since work keeps me busy, it would take me away from pain all through the day.

I have like 14 projects to finish now. Felt like my brain’s going to explode anytime now, at least it’s not my heart. These projects are actually shielding me from pain.

I was chatting with a friend then suddenly it hit me. Things started to sink in.

I used to be so dependent on him. I built my world around him. I have chosen to forget my friends and decided to quit my job just to be with him when he needed me.

We would spend days together on his pad. We don’t go out that much. When we do, it’s always during the afternoon. We would take a bath together. Do almost all things together.

He would play music, light candles and prepare our dinner. Then we would go to the rooftop to hang around and sing along on his music collections while he smokes and I had my coffee in to drink.

Later make love. This has been our set-up for the first three years.

Until he changed jobs and I decided to find new job.

Slowly things changed. I saw the change, but it will be good because I will not become too dependent on him, same goes with him. Slowly we learn to detached part of ourselves from each other. We reconnected with our friends and families. It was all good, I though. But never thought it will come to this.

First the K.Y., then there’s condom, then the endless fight. Coldness. Then the message I received. Then there are photos. Then I found out who. Then he pretends.

I’m having headache now. I need a drink.

---

Melancholia is a profound presentation of depression. With this form of depression, there is a complete loss of pleasure in all or almost everything. The start of these episodes is usually not caused by a specific event, and even when something good happens, the individual's mood does not improve, not even for a short time.

Source: http://bipolar.about.com/od/depression/f/faq_melancholia.htm

---

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://nucleo.ces.clemson.edu/home/online_tools/sparse_matrix/0.1/images/Melancholia_I.png

Number

2009-11-10T11:08:00.003+08:00

Nakainom na naman ako kagabi, two bottles lang naman ng Red Horse so wala lang ‘yun. Hayaan niyo na muna ako hehe tolerate niyo muna.

----

Before I decided to commit myself in a relationship, I had my share of kabulastugan. Siyempre, everything was so new to me so I explore a lot. Knowing my curios self, if something would interest me, hindi ako makakatulog unless I tried it. Of course, I frequent chat rooms. I would chat and look for possible prospects.

During my time, pahirapan ang maghanap ng bottom. If someone enters the chat room ang declares that he’s a bottom, ayun na, parang ewan kung maguunahan ang mga top sa pagkuha sa attention ng bottom na ‘yun.

One time, I met someone near pasig. Tripper daw. Upon meeting him, tangina, iba yata ang photo na pinadala niya o sobra pagka photoshop. Hindi naman ako kagwapuhan (at sinasabi ko ‘yun sa mga naka chat ko) pero naman, words fail me. We were walking and I was slightly behind him. Then when a jeepney passes by, ayun bigla ako kumabit at sumakay. Napalingon na lang siya at wala na ako. He texted me:

“Dude, what happen? Kahit jakol lang.”

I erased his message and his number. Mean.

There was this one incident when I met someone sa Robinsons Galleria, he arrived late, he apologized because they had dinner with his officemates pa daw. When he arrived, he looks good actually kaso medyo malamya kumilos, so I told myself pwede na ‘to pampalipas libog.

So I invited him home para doon naming gawin, hindi marunong mag kiss ang putik. Naalala ko tuloy ang post ng isang blogger ‘yung tipong oopen ang bibig then labas ng dila at ‘yun na. So I told him na bj na niya ako. Matagal ako labasan so ok lang if matagal ako i-bj, kaso parang nilalagari si junior. Ang sakit at parang kinakayod na ng mga ipin niya. So pinastop ko na siya at pina-uwi. Bad trip, hindi na tuloy ako maka jakol kase maga na alaga ko.

Then heto pa, may na meet ako sa Mega Mall, patawarin niyo na ako pero pagkakita ko sa kanya, I turned off my phone and walked away. He reached out sa YM later pa and been texting me for days. Hindi ko na siya pinansin.

Those were some of the things I did in the past, as what I’ve said before; everything was so new to me. So there’s no use wasting time over neither someone who you don’t want to end up in bed nor someone who won’t satisfy your craving. I’ve been mean, I know. I was young then, not an excuse but that’s the easiest way out. I was sorry, really, it was hard and I made judgment hastily without even thinking what the outcome might be.

Then one day I woke up. I was bombarded by endless calls and texts from strangers whose numbers were not registered on my phone book. Some of the messages were:

“Pre ako pwede. Kelan.”

“Interrested here dude.”

“I’m horny. Meet tayo.”

And so much more. When I can’t take it anymore, I answered one of the callers.

“Pre saan mo nakuha number ko?,” I asked the caller irritably.

“Sa bus. Sa likod ng upuan nakasulat number mo,” he replied.

“Ano? Sa bus? Putik, bakit nandiyan nakasulat number ko,” I absently-minded asked.

“Ewan ko. Sinulat mo?,” he replied.

“No, hindi ko Gawain ‘yan ano. Please favor naman pre, pwede pakibura,” I pleaded.

“Sige pero meet tayo,” he requested me.

“Ok, no prob,” I agreed.

I met the person, he was actually nice. Not my type pero at least we talked. He's a call center trainer. Nothing happened.

Siyempre, hindi natapos doon ang mga calls at messages. Someone told me sa CR daw ng MRT, sa wall daw sa university. Even a friend, called me that he actually saw my digits sa backseat ng bus. He erased it for me. So I guess it’s true.

I think someone whom I made gago with did it - to give me lesson. Lessons I had to learn the hard way. Well I learned to be nice na haha.

Siyempre I had my share of rejection too. I met someone near Makati. I arrived late due to traffic. When I saw him, may pagka twink so hindi ko ganun ka type pero straight acting pa din. Pero told myself ok na para parausan lol. He suddenly told me that may tao sa pad niya so hindi kami pwede doon. Some other time na lang daw. Alam ko naman kung ano ang rejection ano, kaya told him it’s ok at hindi na din ako interested. Haha. Pero in fairness may “k” naman siya kase gwapo naman niya talaga.

I think ganun lang ‘yun, sa buhay natin sometimes magrereject ka at marereject ka. Kaya don’t fret too much at h’wag isulat ang number ng ka eb sa public places kung nareject ka ano. It’s nothing personal, just a matter of preference. H’wag bitter lol.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. The image is courtesy of http://opengardensblog.futuretext.com/archives/number.JPG

Aftermath

2009-11-09T17:03:00.002+08:00

Amazingly, I haven’t shed a tear (yet). I don’t know guys, am I in denial stage? Yep, I’m drinking again. Well, it’s not actually surprising because I am a heavy drinker (I can drink a whole bottle of tequila or vodka in one seating). Oh well.

Funny no hang over when I woke up, I love that new drink I just recently discovered.

I arrived at the office by 7:36 am and decided to stay at the balcony. I’m not sure how long I stared into nothing but it was broken when on of my boss suddenly spoke to me (she doesn’t usually smile nor talk to me when we bump into each other on the hallway).

“H’wag ka mag-alala, mahal ka nun,” she told me grinning as she moves closer to me.

I just smiled back.

Funny, no one in the office knows that I’m on a relationship. No one knows that my heart has been broken. How come she said those words? Does it shows on my face? Is it written all over my face?

I guess I forgot to smile; everyone in the office compliments me that I always smile and makes their day better. I guess, there’s nothing to smile about, that’s why. I can’t fake it. They’ll know it’s not genuine.

Oh well, maybe I’m still in shock. The days to come will be difficult, at least for me.

BTW, thanks for the chat pre.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://img.wallpaperstock.net:81/blue-tear-wallpapers_13598_1280x960.jpg

Received

2009-11-08T16:46:00.002+08:00

It' already 1pm. I had a blast last night at my friend's birthday party and what's good about it is that after 7 bottles of red horse, several shots of tequila, vodka, and whiskey I woke up without a hang over. It's midday and the sun rays' hit the room and my face directly. It's hot, humid.

I headed straight to the shower and while dressing up, I told my partner to get ready for we're going to the mall to spend the day away.

I held a taxi cab, while on our way, I received a text message. It was from my partner. I was puzzled why he'd sent me message where in fact he's just beside me. It says:

"slip p c beybi?
eat kana agad pag gcing u ha....
labyue so much beybi... grabe toxic nnmn aq at may klase n ulit bkas gwa p me lctre and d lyk..."

The message is not me for me. As clear as the cloudless sky.

My head grew heady, my body felt cold. No it's not because of the alcohol and spirits I took last night nor the hot weather.

I put the phone on my bag's pocket and went completely silent.

The end.

I might need more alcohol and a friend who'll stay with me who need not talk but just stay with me while I stare at nothing.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. The image is courtesy of http://www.yogabreeze.com/message_in_a_bottle.jpg

Work

2009-11-06T21:40:00.002+08:00

Lately, I choose to work overtime even if it's against my will. Even if the work is due next month. So I won't have to go home early. This is the only way I know, at least when I get home, you're already asleep. We don't need to quarrel over stupid things. I don't get to say things I'll regret later, same with you. At least, I see you calm and deep in slumber. At least when I sleep next to you, I could hug you and sleep soundly. It's the only escape I could think of right now, working my ass off.

When will this end, I don't know. I know in time, I have to face you again. Not now though, not now. What I know now is I need this distraction to save whatever left of us. You see, I love you this much.

I wish for a better tomorrow for us. I don't want to give us up even at times I already like to.

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image courtesy of http://hr.ucsb.edu/icons/work_life.jpg

Papa

2009-11-05T12:28:00.002+08:00

“Xtian, saan kapatid mo? Si Dino*,” Lolo asked me.

“Wala po e, bakit po ba?,” I asked him back.

“Gusto ko sana magbanyo,” he replied as he look away from me.

>oo0oo<

I am the eldest grandson on my mother’s side. It’s no secret that I had become the favorite among cousins. I am close to my mother’s parents, and her kuya. They adore me so much and I love them too. It was really nice to be the first born. It is, really.

I almost grew up on my grandparents’ house. My mom and dad were so young when they had me and got married so they don’t have enough money yet to buy their own house. Growing up with my grandparents make me feel more love and secure. Having two set of parents is the best experience there is plus an uncle for a kuya is more than I can ever wish for. Then one day, my parents were able to build our own home.

My Lola had a brain tumor. My Lolo had to bring her to Manila for operation. After the operation my Lola came back differently. She seemed not to recognize most of us at times. She would wake up at the middle of the night talking about the past. Mostly of happy memories, that was good so that she could escape the pain even for a moment. Sometimes I can’t help but cry when I see her in pain.

Then my brother Dino’s birthday came, we’re celebrating when a friend came to the party and told my tita that my grandmother already left us. We we’re all shocked. Then my tita became hysterical. It took me a while before the reality sunk in, that my beloved lola was already gone. I cried.

Days before my Lola left us, I came to visit her. She was peeling avocado, then cut it in pieces and handed it to me. She told me to dip it in sugar before eating it. I did what I was told, just like when I was small. She always prepares my food. I love her so much.

I was told that my lola have chosen to die on my brother Dino’s birthday because Dino was her favorite. I thought I was, but it was my brother after all.

After months of my lola’s death. The friend who came to my brother’s birthday came to my lola’s house again, this time to inform us that my mother’s kuya had an accident. That he was killed. Another death in the family, my Lolo took it so hard.

Kuya Dan* was well loved - by his family, friends and my dad. Kuya Dan was my dad’s best friend. It was he who introduced him to mom. I was close to him, he was my kuya.

Due to my Lola and kuya Dan’s death, old habits came hunting my back my Lolo. He would drink for days and he changed drastically. He wanted to remarry – a girl 2 or 3 years senior than me. His children disagreed so the marriage never materialized.

It was summer, semester break, my tita called my mom. She was crying. We were having our breakfast when mom told us to go to the hospital. Mom told us that lolo had a stroke and was taken to the hospital.

In the hospital, Lolo was in a poor state. It seemed that he aged so fast, thinner and weak. Since I had no classes, I was assigned to look for him. Like any grand child, I obliged to look after my Lolo. It was against my will (it was summer was supposed to relax and enjoy my vacation).

Since it was against my will to look for him, I didn’t cooperate that much. I would watch TV all day instead of taking care of him. When he needs to go I would put bed pan instead of assisting him to go to the bathroom even if he complains that it hurts his back so much. Then I would call the nurses to clean him instead of me doing it. I almost completely ignore his pleas and pains.

There was one time when my Lolo fell off the bed because he wanted to go to the bathroom. Maybe too tired of asking for my help to no avail, he wanted to do it by himself. I even scolded him.

You see, I was young then and it was not an excuse. Instead of helping him and making sure he feels comfortable I did otherwise. I was his favorite but what did I repay him? By making his life more miserable. So much more had happen during my stay there at the hospital. I was waiting for an opportunity to get away from that.

The opportunity came when my dad’s brother ask me to accompany him to climb a mountain. I agreed without even blinking an eye. I left Lolo the next day and join my uncle braving the bad weather to climb a mountain to escape the burden that was my Lolo.

>oo0oo<

It was a school day when my mom called me up.

“Hi Xtian, wala na si papa,” my mom informed me over the phone.

I was speechless for a moment there and my tears came flooding profusely. I don’t know what pains me more, my lolo’s death or the guilt that I was carrying from the moment I decided to take the climb instead of taking care of him.

I was in pain, full of guilt, longing and so sorry. The thing is, the day after I left the hospital, I wanted to go back and tell my lolo that I was sorry. But it was my pride that is at stake so I never did.

Now it’s too late. I can no longer take back what I’ve said and done in the hospital. I can no longer take care of him to pay for what I did to him. How ungrateful I was. I can never forgive myself. That no matter how I’ll explain to myself, wala, what I did was wrong.

I came back home to the province. On my way, I was holding back my tears, my emotions. Upon seeing my Lolo’s humble abode, I can no longer hold it. I let the tears fell and unleash all the emotions that I was holding up a while ago. I know that no matter how many tears I will shed or no matter how many times I’ll say sorry. My lolo can no longer see it, can no longer hear me. I can no longer feel his warm embrace like when I was little.

It was all too late.

>oo0oo<

Dreamscape and nightmares were all the same for me, hunting me. There were times that kuya Dan, lolo and lola would want me to join them. There were time when see my lolo in my dreams. Then I would always wake up in tears. Sobbing my guilt away hoping it would go away when I open my eyes but it did not.

>oo0oo<

“Anak, when I grow old don’t bother tending me ha. Ipadala mo na lang ako sa home for the aged,” my mom told me one fine day.

Then it starts to rain.

>oo0oo<

It was the last day of school. I will be graduating on top of our care giving class.

That night I dreamt. My lolo finally bid goodbye.

I woke up crying for the same dream for the last time in 9 years.

I called my mom up. It was against my dad and mom for me to enroll in a care giving class. Without them knowing, after office I would attend care giving class. I explained myself.

“Mom, today I graduated the care giving class. I know it was against you and dad for me to attend that but I had my reasons.

You see I was so guilty when papa died. I make it hard for him during his stay in the hospital. Then he died without me telling how sorry I was. I was thinking way back then that I would repay him after the school ends but he left us so soon. It has been hunting me since papa pass away.”

There’s no way for me to say sorry to him now. So to tell him how sorry I was; I enrolled in a care giving school. It was the last thing in my mind too but I brave myself and was able to finish it.”

Then he visit me last night, it was a dream but felt so real. He finally smiled and said goodbye.”

I guess tama lang ang ginawa ko. I think he finally forgave me. I finally had forgiven myself.”

That when you grow old, I would be able to take good care of you.”

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not their real names to hide true identity.
P.S. Image is courtesy of http://gallery.photo.net/photo/5770033-lg.jpg

Summer

2009-10-30T09:44:00.002+08:00

We were in Cebu on the summer of 2002. The scorching heat penetrates the walls of our humble abode. I just arrived from the mall after my girlfriend broke up with me. It was a long day and need to cool and douse my spent body. Need to ease the weariness and anger deeply rooted in me. The hot Cebu nights didn’t offer illumination to all those things irritating me that time.

As always the boys are drinking again to the mix of gin and pomelo juice, trying to ease each own problems. Laughing out loud to two almost naked guys intertwined in each other extremities to be the Ultimate Fighting Champion. Days like these seemed endless, repeatedly happening like a cheap R-rated film playing over and over again like an old cinema in Quiapo. Each of us has our problems but we’re all united in drinking to get away from reality. Letting the spirit drenched our souls and hoping in vain to be happy even for a night.

But tonight is no ordinary night. I’ll make sure of that.

I was sitting at the chair near the kitchen when Jong* called my attention up. He went near me.

“Xtian, Dina’s* waiting for you at the balcony. She wants to see you,” Jong whispered.

I stood up and he sat to the chair I was sitting a while ago as I left. I look back to take a look at him but he was busy watching UFC now and drinking the concoction I left behind.

The veranda was dark except for the partly lighted corner by the street lamp across the boarding house. I search for Dina and found her lying silently at the hammock secured by two opposite post at the veranda. I went near Diana to ask her why she called me up.

“Hey, you’re calling for me. What’s up?,” I whispered.

“I heard you broke up with your girlfriend,” she told me.

“Yes and I prefer not to discuss it,” I replied firmly.

“Sorry Xtian, kase I’m planning to break up with my boyfriend too. I’m not happy with him anymore,” she informed me.

I am quite stunned by what she confessed so I come near her holding the hammock near to where her head rests.

“You ok?,” I asked. Concerned.

“I like you Xtian, I know alam mo na ‘yun,” she whispered as she run her fingers to my chest.

Pareho tayo hindi na happy sa ating mga karelasyon at alam mo you like me to,” she teased me.

Kiss me,” she demanded.

I closed my eyes and succumbed to her request. It was a hot night and her lips sizzle as my lips touches hers. Hers were soft and plump while mine were dry and rough. It started slowly then we kissed passionately like crazy, both trying to quench the thirst that’s been haunting us from the first time we laid on each others eyes.

>oo00*00oo<

It was afternoon when my best friend Trey* fetch me and Orly* from the airport. It was so hot. Cebu is hot, I thought.

“Xtian, Orly. Hmm we will not be having the same boarding house because I’ll be staying with my cousin. Pero you’ll be staying doon sa boarding house ng classmate ko sa Atene noong high school. Si Mico*, mabait ‘yun so magkakasundo kayo,” Trey informed us.

We hailed a cab and traveled all the way from the Mactan to Labangon. It was a long ride and the day is hot, the cab’s air-conditioning system didn’t offer any help.

“Here we are,” Trey announced.

The boarding house is a two story house, old and built mostly on wood apart from the posts and loggia. This will do, I said to myself. After Trey paid the cab he helps us carry our luggage to the house. He introduced us to the landlady and the rest of the people living in it.

Then I saw Dina, she’s about 5’7” and very slim. She’s pretty and her smile’s captivating. She has long black hair and dreamy eyes. She failed in the chest department though, but it’s ok for I’m no cow. I am instantly attracted to her and not quite sure if she’s into me.

Diana and I became very close and talk almost about anything. Evertime our schedule permit us to be together we just hang out. We clicked and could have been more that friends but since the two of us are in a relationship so we just remain friends.

>oo00*00oo<

Diana unzipped my fly and pulled it down. I am still standing beside the hammock. I help her by pulling my pants all the way. She gently caresses my c*ck from outside my boxers. It’s hard now and longing for her. It’s been 5 months now since I know her and my suppressed feelings for her could hold it no longer.

“Tapusin mo na Xtian, please,” she pleaded me as I look into her eyes.

I began to pull her shirt up; it was dark so no one will take notice of us there. The boys are busy drinking so there’s no way they will be bothersome. I touched her breasts, caressing them.

“Please, do it now,” she demanded while she closed her eyes. Apparently she doesn’t want foreplay.

I pull down her shorts and panty to expose her wholeness, wishing I could see it but it was impossible for its dark and it’s ok. I raise my left leg and position it on her right, the hammock is swaying us so I find it hard to find my balance. I position my other leg on her left and planted it firmly on floor to balance ourselves over the hammock.

I enter her slowly. I forgot to bring protection because things happen so fast. I can’t let it destroy our stolen moments. She moaned as I penetrate her deeper. She began to pull my shirt up and throw it unto the floor. She then hugged me and our sweaty body touched. It was instant bliss.

“Tapusin mo na, bilis,” she demanded again.

I am now thrusting deeper and faster and kissed her so for her not to make any sound. She moaned silently, almost there and faster and deeper while the hammock shakes vigorously.

“I’m almost there, bilisan mo na,” she again demanded.

Faster now and there it was, an explosion of restrained emotion and longing for her, for each other.

“Kuya, ano ginagawa nyo ni ate Dina?”

WTF! It was Carol*, the landlady grand daughter busted us; she was 7 years of age.

“Hey, Carol. Nahilo kase ate Dina mo, tinulungan ko lang makahinga,” I answered.

“Ha? Ganun ba? Teka tawagin ko si lola,” she worriedly replied and was about to go.

“Wag, huwag na, ok na siya. Diba Dina?,” I seeked Dina’s help.

“Ok na ako Carol, sige na at bubuhatin na lang ako ni kuya Xtian mo papunta sa kwarto,” Dina told Carol.

“Sige po,” Carol replied as she went back inside the house.

“Buti na lang madilim,” I sighed.

>oo00*00oo<

The board exam is fast approaching so Dina and I barely time for each other. She’s working on night shifts and I was reviewing for the upcoming exams. We scarcely see each other until time ran out for the two of us.

On my way to the airport as I am leaving Cebu, Dina sent me SMS.

Message 1: Xtian, I didn’t help you packing your things last night. As you noticed, I locked myself inside my room because it pains me to bid you goodbye.

Message 2: I wish we had more time for each other but I’m glad to know you. You see I like you and wish for more. I don’t want to think that what we had is just a summer fling.

Message 3: I hope you’ll cherish the time we had for each other. Goodbye.

>oo00*00oo<

I recently found her friendster account. She still looks amazingly beautiful. She has a 7 year old child now whose eyes eerily like mine. She’s married already..

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

*Not real names to hide and protect the identities of persons involved.

P.S. Photo courtesy of http://extracebu.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/cebu-boljoon.jpg

Alone

2009-10-27T17:31:00.002+08:00

Ang lamig ng gabi pag wala ang init ng iyong katawan
Hanap ang yakap mo at lagkit ng iyong titig

Mag-isa ako ngayon sa silid nating munti
Nagsilbing saksi sa ating pag-iisa

Ngayong wala ka sa tabi ko sa ating kama
Ang bagal ng takbo ng oras na dati’y mabilis pag kapiling ka

Ang kumot na nakabalot sa akin ay ‘di matutumbasan ang init ng higpit ng iyong mga yakap
Natutulala, nakakatitig sa kawalan sa dilim ng gabi

Nakalimutan ko na mag-isa noong ikaw dumating
Pano na ang mga gabing wala ka sa piling ko

Bumalik ka na
Maghihintay ako

Xoxo

The Curious Cat

P.S. Image belongs to http://www.lucis.me.uk/ALONE.jpg

Doc

2009-10-23T10:29:00.002+08:00

The last miscellany that would tell that there was a fireworks display just took place were the beaming people who are still in awe from witnessing the spectacular occurrence.

It has been more than an hour than the agreed time of the encounter of two vapid being longing for a taste of bodily pleasure. Yet here I am still waiting still holding on to the promise that he’ll come to meet me.

Alabang Town Center is still the same from the last time I went there a year ago, the same scenes on stage over and over again played by different cast, but same familiarity nonetheless. I was at the heart of the mall, sipping the sugar infested coffee that attempts to ice up my assiduous brain to no avail. I’m still bored from waiting had he not called earlier that he had last minute chat with his patient, I already make off.

“Sorry Xtian,” Dandy* told me as he tapped my shoulder.

I turned around a bit surprise from his gesture. “Ikaw lang pala, buti na lang nagkape na ako at hindi nakatulog sa pag-antay sayo,” I replied frigidly.

“Kaya ka pala nagugulat agad dahil sa kape,” he tried to crack a joke.

“Ano na? Tara na at anong oras na,” I demanded as I stood up from the metal chair.

“Tara, medyo malayo lang nakapark ‘yung car ko so konting lakad lang ha,” he smiled.

We left the coffee house to head for his car.

He was taller than me and leaner. The photo he showed me earlier that day did not do him justice. He looks good in the photo but so much better in person. Maybe some people are not just photogenic or maybe he didn’t know what photoshop is. He walks confidently as we stride the busy pathway going to his car. Maybe it’s because of his profession, the confidence he gained from meeting people from differentPOST http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.do HTTP/1.1 walks of life.

When he was about to open his car, light flashes towards us coming from another car.

“Hey Dandy!,” someone shouted. “Sino na naman ‘yang bibiktimahin mo Doc,” the person added.

“Loko, pinsan ko ‘to si Xtian kagagling ng Manila,” he shouted back.

“Ah ok. Sige, uwi na ako at maaga pa tayo magbukas ng clinic bukas,” the man replied as his engine starts and his vehicle leaves the car park.

“Sino ‘yun?,” I inquired.

“Kasama ko na doctor din sa clinic. Pasok na at alis na tayo,” he demanded.

While on the car we were discussing a lot of stuff. Our conversation went well until he discussed his clients. He told me that once he intended to cut his patients lips because his client talks rubbish all the time. That he had to stitch it back afterwards. He also told me about another client that he had to push the needle harder so that the patient will feel pain. He just wanted to, he told me.

He told me a lot of stuff more. He even told me if I had felt pleasure in pain. That I reach orgasm while pain is inflicted on me. I was no longer interested in his stories, the truth, I barely listen to him. I started to get scared of him, really scared of him. I wanted to open the car’s door and jump right off. I wanted to stop the car for me to escape. What if he’s a serial killer like the one I saw in the movies? What if he’ll kill me in the middle of the talahiban? No one will see me there of course. The thought scared me even more.

Ayan kase sa kalibugan kahit sino-sino na lang ang i-meet porket gwapo at lalaking lalaki kausap ay meet na agad. Hindi man lang inisip ang kaakibat na piligro na maaring mangyari sa akin. Parang nawala na libog ko at gusto ko na lumayo sa kanya. Heto pa, parang enjoy na enjoy siya sa kwento niya at sa mga nagiging reaksyon ko nito.

He drives really slowly so I thought I could open the door easily and jump off in case he’ll do something to me.

“Malapit na tayo,” as told me as he pointed his house.

He stopped the car and parked it right outside. He gestured me to enter his house. His house located in some village in Alabang. Not too big but very cozy. I noticed that there was another man inside, his caretaker.

“Bong* bili ka nga ng softdrinks doon sa tindahan at may bisita tayo,” he told his caretaker.

He handed some cash and Bong left with a word.

“Malayo ang tindahan kaya maari na nating gawin ‘yung balak natin,” Dandy smiled as he pulled me towards his room.

He started to undress and undress me. I can’t move and I’m uneasy, apparently still worried from his stories. I’m still scared. We had sex and it was very uneventful. Siya lang lahat gumawa ng moves. Matapos labasan tumayo agad ako at nagbihis.

“Baka darating na ‘yung boy mo,” I warned him. More of a warning for myself actually.

“Matagal pa ‘yun,” he also started to get dress.

“Late na kase, ihatid mo na ako ha,” I requested him.

“Sige na nga,” he sighed.

He drove me back to Alabang and I left without a word. Nagmamadali ako makasakay para makalayo sa kanya. Wala akong pakialam kung naging boring man ako sa sex namin basta makalayo na ako at safe, 'yun lang nasa isipan ko sa mga oras na 'yun.

Makaraan ang ilang araw nakikipag chat pa din ako at nakikipag meet sa ibang libog na taong katulad ko na nais lamang ilabas ang init ng katawan. Hindi na naisip ang kakaibang karanasan sa weirdong doctor na nakasex ko. Mukha yatang mas malakas ang tawag ng laman sa akin sa mga panahon na ‘yun kase sa sariling kaligtasan. Pag libog nga naman hahamakin ang lahat mairaos lamang.

Like the remnants of fireworks I witnessed earlier, the last memory I had of Dandy is the grin (he wears when he told his stories) weirdly and eerily like the last fading smile of the Cheshire cat.

Xoxo

The Curios Cat

*Not their real names to hide my identity.
P.S. Image is from http://www.best-horror-movies.com/image-files/how-to-be-a-serial-killer-horror-movie-poster.jpg